Jokes

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

Punny Reading

 

 

"Revenge of the Tiger" by Claude Balls

 

"Under the Grandstand" by Seymour Buttz

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,

 

"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,

 

"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

 

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

 

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

 

"So bust him," said the Chief.

 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

 

Chief exclaimed........

 

"All the more reason!"

 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked......

 

"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

 

Cop:"Bigger."

 

Chief:"Governor?"

 

Cop:"Bigger."

 

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

 

Cop: "I think it's God!"

 

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

 

Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Can't remember if I posted this before; if so, I apologize in advance:

 

An 85 year-old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor examines him and says, "I've got to say, you're in incredible shape! If you don't mind my asking, how old was your dad when he died?"

 

The man says, "Who said he died?! He's turns 105 next month and he runs in a marathon every year!"

 

The doctor says, "Wow! Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

 

"Who said he died?! He's almost 125 years old and he's getting married this weekend."

 

The doctor says, "Amazing! But why would a 125 year-old man want to get married?"

 

"Who said he WANTED to get married?!"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of

patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

 

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

 

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The

patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want

it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

 

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the

next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "We sleekit, cowerin,

timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

 

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks

"What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

 

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."

[CrosshairCollie]

Re: Jokes

 

"No"' date=' replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."[/quote']

 

Groan.

 

Repped.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

That's it. You're Bard from further postings.

[Enforcer84]

Re: Jokes

 

the...pain....

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

A punny thing happend on the way home today...

 

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger,"

 

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

An Engineer's evaluation of Santa Clause

----------------------------------------

 

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

 

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

 

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

 

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

 

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

 

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a Poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

 

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

 

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them.

 

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

 

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

 

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

 

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

 

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.

 

Merry Christmas.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

With apologies to Kip Addotta, and any women reading this...

 

A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I go to the bathroom, nickels are falling out!"

 

The doctor says, "Relax! Put your feet up. Come back and see me in a week."

 

So a week later, the woman returns to the doctor's office and complains, "Doctor, now every time I go to the bathroom, dimes are falling out!"

 

Once again, the doctor says, "Relax! Put your feet up. Come back and see me in a week."

 

Another week passes, and the woman returns to complain, "Doctor, now when I go to the bathroom, quarters are falling out!"

 

The doctor says "Relax..." but the woman interrupts. "Don't tell me to relax! I want to know what's happening to me!"

 

The doctor calmly says, "You're just going through your Change..."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

I can't remember who did this originally (it sounds better aloud than in print) but...

 

There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans, 15 every minute. Vocal Dyslexia it's called -- an ailment I've been life-ing all my fight.

It can warn without striking, and has no regard for case, reed, or crolor.

 

The symptoms: speechled garb; backs coming out wordward; and an inability to sent a complete putance together. It is wilding like spreadfire, and there is no cureful simp.

 

But there is hope. The Center for Vocal Dyslexia recommends these things three:

 

Third, as soon as possible, physich a consultant.

 

Second, stay in bed and drink fluty of plentids.

 

And first, read as can as you much.

 

For more information, write to 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Michids, Rapigan.

 

Thank you muchy ver.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

This is an old favorite

 

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says "It sure is hot in here, huh?"

The second muffin turns and says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

 

 

 

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please Take your time.

 

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

 

 

 

â€Is it. A, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm Not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50."

 

 

 

“Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see What you're left with.

 

 

 

‘Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris,I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

 

 

 

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

 

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

 

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

 

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could Win £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

 

 

 

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type Of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

 

"It's a badger, Boss." says Becks without hesitation.

 

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

 

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

 

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger

 

 

 

"Final answer, Sven?"

 

"Final answer, Chris."

 

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

 

Cue wild celebrations.

 

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

 

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be Taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a Blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, .

 

 

“But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

 

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

 

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A devout Catholic was crossing the street and was hit by a car. He was lying in the street bleeding badly, and it looked like he wasn't going to make it. The dying man cried out, "A priest! Bring me a priest!"

 

The people nearby looked around but saw no priest. After a few moments, a small, old Jewish man came forward. "I'm not a priest, but I live right behind St. Mary's. I hear all their services through my window every week. Maybe I can say some words from his faith to ease his pain."

 

The old man leaned down next to the dying Catholic and very reverently said, "B-5... N-26..."

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

Saul was walking through the neighborhood, thinking about his family problems, when he bumped into his friend, Joshua.

 

"Saul!" Joshua said," How good to see you! Are you well? You look troubled."

 

" I am, I am." Saul confessed."You see, my son, he left home recently. And now I hear that he has fallen in with new friends."

 

"He isnt in -trouble-, is he? A nice boy like him?" Joshua asked his friend.

 

"No, no. No. Not...trouble. But you see....his new friends, they are all Christians. And when he called me just yesterday, he told me that he has converted! My son has become a Christian!"

 

"Funny you should mention that!" exclaimed Joshua." Because, you see, my son, too has become a Christian! What is there to be done?"

 

Saul put a hand on Joshua's shoulder, and said "I was on my way to speak to the Rabbi. Perhaps we should go together."

 

So they did.

 

Upon meeting the Rabbi, Saul and Joshua explained their predicament. The Rabbi nodded, stroking his beard, and said, "Funny you should mention that! As fortune woudl have it, my own son, too has become a Christian. Lets us pray for guidance."

 

The three men bowed their heads, and prayed to the Lord for guidance. The Rabbi lifted up his voice and said "Dear Lord, please help us to understand what has happened to us all. Our sons....they have converted, and become Christians!"

 

And a booming voice from the heavens said "Funny you should mention that...."

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

A devout Catholic was crossing the street and was hit by a car. He was lying in the street bleeding badly, and it looked like he wasn't going to make it. The dying man cried out, "A priest! Bring me a priest!"

 

The people nearby looked around but saw no priest. After a few moments, a small, old Jewish man came forward. "I'm not a priest, but I live right behind St. Mary's. I hear all their services through my window every week. Maybe I can say some words from his faith to ease his pain."

 

The old man leaned down next to the dying Catholic and very reverently said, "B-5... N-26..."

 

 

Er, I don't get it.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Paul Mc Cartney was asked yesterday, after his recent marriage

difficulties, if he would ever consider going down on one knee again

...

 

He said that he would prefer it if people refered to her as Heather..

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

Er' date=' I don't get it.[/quote']

 

*Spoiler*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The old man had heard the church's weekly Bingo being played.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

*Spoiler*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The old man had heard the church's weekly Bingo being played.

 

You know what that means? It means I'm still young!! Instead of thinking Bingo, my first thought was "Battleship"?

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

You know what that means? It means I'm still young!! Instead of thinking Bingo' date=' my first thought was "Battleship"? [/quote']

Now that's a church I might actually attend.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

You know what that means? It means I'm still young!! Instead of thinking Bingo' date=' my first thought was "Battleship"? [/quote']

Just imagine the reaction if, during a Bingo game, you stood up and said, "You sank my battleship!"

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Ah, Bingo doesn't use letters in Britain, only numbers 1-99 IIRC.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Ah' date=' Bingo doesn't use letters in Britain, only numbers 1-99 IIRC.[/quote']

Wow, I didn't know that. Same name, different games apparently.

 

In the US, it's a 5x5 printed card, with a letter (B-I-N-G-O) for each column. Each column's numbers fall into a range (B has 1-15, I has 16-30, etc.)

 

Sorry for the confusion.

 

Oh, and I shouldn't have said "N-26" but instead "N-36." (Since somebody is bound to notice the error.)

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

One for the boys who like shootin' things..

 

A Grizzly Experience

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"