Cybertooth Posted November 26, 2008 Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 Re: Jokes A man is sitting at home eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. Suddenly, his wife peeks in and asks a question. The man turns to answer his wife while a peanut is flying through the air and lands in his ear. The man and wife try everything to get the peanut out of the man's ear to no avail. They are about to head out to the emergency room when the man's daughter comes home with her new boyfriend. They tell the daughter and boyfriend about what's happened and where they are going. The boyfriend offers to help and sticks his two fingers up the man's nostrils and instructs him to blow. Out pops the peanut. The daughter takes the boyfriend to the kitchen for a drink leaving mom and dad in the living room. The mom begins to remark about how smart this new boyfriend is and asks, "what do you think he'll be when he grows up?" "A doctor?" The man says, "Well, from the smell of his fingers, he'll be our son-in-law." :snicker: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted November 28, 2008 Report Share Posted November 28, 2008 Re: Jokes Oman' date=' you have got to be kidding! I bought something on eBay but it was junk, and got Egypt. So I contact the Dan the seller and said "Kuwait just a minute!" But I got no reply. My friend knew about him, and said "What are you donna do, Sudan?" Iraq my brains trying to think how to get my money back. Iran all over town looking for help, Russian to and fro. But I was like a bull in a China shop, and just made a Turkey of myself.[/quote'] After reading your post, Iran for the bathroom. I just couldn't take Somalia puns. It would Serbia right if I came Russian to your home and cut out your Tonga. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted November 28, 2008 Report Share Posted November 28, 2008 Brother, Have You Found Jesus?!? A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze, whereupon he asks the drunk: "Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks: "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "No! Are you sure this is where he fell in?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 30, 2008 Report Share Posted November 30, 2008 Re: Jokes A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'un-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker express confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'un-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How was it that the Canadian woodpeckers was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion. Apparently your pecker gets much harder when you're away from home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 A Bevy of Bras This was sent to me by a lady friend. Don't blame me. A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills." ======== Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 Re: Jokes An old couple and a newlywed couple were having tea together. The young wife asked her husband, "Pass the honey, honey." The young husband in turn asked his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The longtime husband decided to get in on the act, and asked his wife... "Pass the tea, bag." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Re: A Bevy of Bras The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright These all sound like the same bra, to me. It's rather difficult for a bra to lift without supporting, or vice versa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Re: Jokes Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary , slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God. LETTER 4: I GOT YOUR MAMA..... IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Re: Jokes What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Re: Jokes How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes I love this Doctor! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!" AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSIONS Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alibear Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes CONCLUSIONS Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Makes sense for UK but doesn't explain why Americans have heart attacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes I guess speaking American kills you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alibear Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes Speaking Scottish is very bad for the heart as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes I guess speaking American kills you too. Well, some of the accents can be kinda irritating. Also, from personal experience, I can assure you that there are some American tourists who clearly WANT to be killed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted December 5, 2008 Report Share Posted December 5, 2008 Re: Jokes A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted December 9, 2008 Report Share Posted December 9, 2008 Re: Jokes Life in the Incan army got so lonely that soldiers often resorted to "oral relief" from pack llamas. Then they realized that captured enemy soldiers were just as good as llamas. To the victims this brutality seemed like the end of the world. Historians refer to them as the Forced Whore-Men of the Alpaca Lips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 10, 2008 Report Share Posted December 10, 2008 Re: Jokes Did you hear about Prancer the brown-nosed reindeer. He was as fastas Rudolf but couldn't stop as quick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted December 10, 2008 Report Share Posted December 10, 2008 Re: Jokes A priest was walking down the street when he came upon a little boy with a Mason jar full of a clear liquid. Curious, he asked the boy what he had in the jar. The boy answered: "Preacher, this is the most powerful liquid in the world: kerosene! Bemused, the priest decided to educate the young boy: "No, my child, that's not the most powerful liquid in the world. That would be holy water." "What can holy water do?" Thinking he was getting through to the boy, the priest told him: "Well, if you rub a little holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby." The boy scoffed: "That's nothing preacher. Rub a little kerosene on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted December 10, 2008 Report Share Posted December 10, 2008 Another Blonde Joke Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Santa's sliegh landed on a toilet block and a lot of presents fell out of the bag and landed on the ground. Santa composed himself and jumped to the ground to pick up the presents scattered over the ground. Gathering the presents up and jumping on the roof, he went over to the two leading reindeer and shouted to them. "Are you deaf!" he asked accostedly, slapping the reindeer in their face. "I said: 'land of the Schmidt house!'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Re: Jokes A Roman Limerick A young Roman named Marcus Valenti Had sorrows and anguish aplenty He'd been beaten and plundered By Huns by the C Before he had even turned XX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Re: Jokes Inspired by the Roman Limerick, here's some Stuck Shift Key Poetry.. ^<@<.@* }"_# | -@$&/_% !( @|=> ;`+$?^? ,#"~|)^G hat less at less point at star backbrace double base pound space bar dash at cash and slash base rate wow open tab at bar is great semi backquote plus cash huh DEL comma pound double tilde bar close BEL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrosshairCollie Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Re: Jokes A new teacher applies at Hogwart's. But, being an honest sort ... "Before we conduct this interview, there's something you should know ... I'm a werewolf." The interviewer stares back incredulously. "Are you f***ing serious?" "Well, yes, that too." (Joke works better said aloud ...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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