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Re: Jokes

 

Inspired by the Roman Limerick, here's some Stuck Shift Key Poetry..

 

^<@<.@*

}"_# |

-@$&/_%

!( @|=>

;`+$?^?

,#"~|)^G

 

hat less at less point at star

backbrace double base pound space bar

dash at cash and slash base rate

wow open tab at bar is great

semi backquote plus cash huh DEL

comma pound double tilde bar close BEL

And people wonder why i hate poetry...

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Re: Jokes

 

Medicare Health Insurance,

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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Re: Jokes

 

A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he

awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist

Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and

35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding

out these facts and to please not call him again.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Taking a palindromedary to bed

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Re: Jokes

 

A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he

awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist

Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and

35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding

out these facts and to please not call him again.

 

Nicely done, fearless litre!

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Re: Jokes

 

A general practitioner had his medical office in a building with a bar on the ground floor. Every weekday at the end of his work - precisely at five o'clock - he would walk into the bar to order his favorite drink, a daquiri with crushed almonds, before heading home.

 

One day at five minutes to five, the bartender starts to prepare the doctor's daquiri, but realizes that he's out of almonds. Not wanting to offend a regular customer, he tells his assistant, "It's almost five and I'm out of almonds - go pick some up from the grocer across the street, fast!"

 

With barely a minute left before five o'clock, the bartender's assistant comes back but says, "They were out of almonds, so I had to get hickory nuts. Maybe the doc won't notice." The bartender finishes mixing the drink just as the doctor enters, greets him as he sits down, and takes a sip of his drink.

 

The doctor frowns and says, "This daquiri tastes different; those aren't almonds in it, are they?"

 

The bartender replies sheepishly, "Actually, that's a hickory daquiri, Doc."

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Re: Jokes

 

One day a city dweller decided to go for a drive in the country. As he passed a pig farm he saw a pig in a pen which had one wooden leg in place of a real leg. Intrigued, he pulled up to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer opened the door the city man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but as I was passing by I noticed you have a pig with one wooden leg. If you don't mind my asking, how did it get that way?"

 

"Well," said the farmer, "about a year ago, my son -- he was only five -- got lost in the woods over there. We searched all day and night but couldn't find him. He probably would've died. That pig went into the woods, found him, brought him out, saved his life."

 

"Wow!" said the city man, "that's really amazing! But, it doesn't explain why the pig has a wooden leg."

 

"Well," said the farmer, "about a year ago, my wife fell into the river over there. She can't swim. She probably would've died. That pig jumped in the river, pulled her out, saved her life."

 

"That's very impressive," said the city man, a little impatiently, "but it still doesn't explain why the pig has a wooden leg."

 

"Well," said the farmer, "about a year ago, I was in the barn over there when it caught fire. The smoke knocked me out. I probably would've died, but that pig went in there, pulled me out, saved my life."

 

The city man was getting annoyed. "That's all very interesting," he snapped, "but I don't see what that has to do with the pig having a wooden leg!"

 

"Well, heck," said the farmer, "would you eat a pig like that all at once?"

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Re: Jokes

 

An elementary school teacher asked her students to tell everybody what their parents do for a living. She mostly got the usual answers, but one student said, "My dad is a male stripper who earns extra money as a gigolo."

 

The teacher was shocked and quickly took the student aside to ask, "Does you father actually do that?"

 

The little boy started crying and said, "No, but I didn't want to tell everybody that he coaches the Detroit Lions..."

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Re: Jokes

 

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

 

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old

pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys

filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out

of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down

toward the fence.

 

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the

cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he

heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me."

 

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike

and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a

cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you

won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are

down

at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see

it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted

though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you,

one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been

tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the

Lord."

 

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet

were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy

gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and

tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One

for you, one for me.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence

and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5

minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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Re: Jokes

 

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

 

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old

pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys

filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out

of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down

toward the fence.

 

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the

cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he

heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me."

 

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike

and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a

cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you

won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are

down

at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see

it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted

though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you,

one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been

tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the

Lord."

 

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet

were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy

gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and

tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One

for you, one for me.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence

and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5

minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

Haha! This one is a classic...I've read versions of it that were well over a hundred years old, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it's way older than that.

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Re: Jokes

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

 

'Oh, yes,' she replied. 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter!'

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Re: Jokes

 

A guy is sitting in a bar with some friends when a belligerent drunk comes over and taps him on the shoulder. "Hey kid," the drunk says, "Your mom's a nice piece of tail, you know that?" The guy's friends think he's going to get up and kill the drunk, but instead he just ignores him.

 

The drunk taps him on the shoulder again and says, "Hey buddy, I'm gonna go screw your mom!" Again, the guy just calmly sips at his drink and ignores the drunk.

 

The drunk, not getting any reaction, staggers out of the bar -- but not before shouting one last time, "Hey kid, I'm off to sex up your mom!" The guy's friends are amazed at his composure!

 

Half an hour later, the drunk staggers back in and goes over to the guy. "Hey kid, I just got done givin' it to your mom, and it was so good!"

 

Now the guy's had just about enough. He stands up, turns around and says, "Dammit dad, must you embarrass me like this every time we go out?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken ?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Re: Jokes

 

Situation exercise:

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Answer:

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

 

 

EDIT: Beaten to it a while back by BoloOfEarth back in post #119. :\

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Re: Jokes

 

Cup of tea & a pun, anyone?

 

1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

25. Every calendar's days are numbered.

26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Re: Jokes

 

Situation exercise:

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Answer:

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

 

Not to get technical, but Kangaroos cannot gallop.

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Female Compassion at its best !!

 

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol

That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,

he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made

passionate love.

 

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only

have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed

and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight

hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?

Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then

afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his

head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

 

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only

have four hours left! Could we...?'

 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not

trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you

don't......'

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Re: Jokes

 

New Element Discovered--Governmentium

 

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

 

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Re: Jokes

 

A big hairy guy gets out of the shower and says to his wife, "Honey, it's so hot today I'm going to mow the lawn in the nude. What do you think the neighbours will think?"

 

The wife replied, "Honey, they'll think that I married you for your money."

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