Jokes

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. He pulls out a small box and from it, withdraws a tiny piano, perfect in every detail.

 

The girl sitting next to him looks over and asks what that is.

 

"Well, my hobby is creating miniatures," the man says. "This is my pride and joy. Took me years to build. It's absolutely perfect. It even plays," he says, poking the keys with his finger and producing a tiny (yet beautiful) sound. "My only regret is that I'll never hear it properly played. It's much too small."

 

"That's too bad," the girl says. "It is quite lovely."

 

"Yes," the man sighs. "I once found a genie in a bottle, and I asked him to give me someone small enough to play it. But unfortunately, he misheard."

 

The girl looks at the piano for a moment, the looks up at the guy and asks, "Would you like to go back to my place?"

 

 

 

The mouseover from the XKCD comic reads, "It's a good thing he didn't make it any smaller, or it'd need somebody three inches tall to play it."

 

It took me a while to get the joke.

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

The mouseover from the XKCD comic reads, "It's a good thing he didn't make it any smaller, or it'd need somebody three inches tall to play it."

 

It took me a while to get the joke.

That's OK. So far I have showed it to all of the gamers I have frequent contact with and a bunch of people at work. None of us have figured out the joke yet. (a littel over two dozen people and counting).

 

I keep thinking it might have something to do with an organ instead of a piano. But if that's the case its pretty lame.

 

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

That's OK. So far I have showed it to all of the gamers I have frequent contact with and a bunch of people at work. None of us have figured out the joke yet. (a littel over two dozen people and counting).

 

Explanation:

 

The guy wished for "A 12-inch pianist." It's a riff on the old joke about the guy who wished for a 12-inch penis and got a tiny piano player.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have to explain the joke, it's not funny anymore...

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

That's OK. So far I have showed it to all of the gamers I have frequent contact with and a bunch of people at work. None of us have figured out the joke yet. (a littel over two dozen people and counting).

 

I keep thinking it might have something to do with an organ instead of a piano. But if that's the case its pretty lame.

 

Now I don't feel so bad for taking a while to figure it out.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary is still chewing it over

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

 

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?'

 

'Yes, they help me to sleep at night.'

 

'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!'

 

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. 'Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.......And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.'

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Why did the burglar paint his hands blue?

He didn't want to get caught red handed

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

 

He asks him, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

 

The guy replies, "See that man playing the piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

 

So the man walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks."

 

All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

 

The man walks back over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he?"

 

The guy replies, "No kidding! Do you really think I asked for a 14 inch bic?"

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

 

He asks him, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

 

The guy replies, "See that man playing the piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

 

So the man walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks."

 

All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

 

The man walks back over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he?"

 

The guy replies, "No kidding! Do you really think I asked for a 14 inch bic?"

 

Could be worse.

 

He could have perfect hearing and give you a million male deer.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary wishes to thank Basil

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

 

To get to the bottom.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration, "Barocky Road". It's half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by fruits and nuts.

 

[Basil]

Re: Jokes

 

Could be worse.

 

He could have perfect hearing and give you a million male deer.

 

A truly stag-gering idea!

 

The palindromedary wishes to thank Basil

 

The Mallard, man of mystery, contemplates how the palindromedary knew ahead of time that Basil was going to make that extraordinary pun

 

The Mallard is another fine product of Basil's Twisted Imagination, Unrelenting. All rides driven in reverse.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

spoilered, just because I felt like it.

 

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Pschiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her cycle.

 

For example, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

 

However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

 

[Enforcer84]

Re: Jokes

 

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. He pulls out a small box and from it, withdraws a tiny piano, perfect in every detail.

 

The girl sitting next to him looks over and asks what that is.

 

"Well, my hobby is creating miniatures," the man says. "This is my pride and joy. Took me years to build. It's absolutely perfect. It even plays," he says, poking the keys with his finger and producing a tiny (yet beautiful) sound. "My only regret is that I'll never hear it properly played. It's much too small."

 

"That's too bad," the girl says. "It is quite lovely."

 

"Yes," the man sighs. "I once found a genie in a bottle, and I asked him to give me someone small enough to play it. But unfortunately, he misheard."

 

The girl looks at the piano for a moment, the looks up at the guy and asks, "Would you like to go back to my place?"

 

 

 

The original is one of my favorites...and I think I told it in this thread.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

I asked my wife, "Do old men wear boxers or briefs?"

 

She said, "Depends."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Two Mexican detectives (luchadores?) were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

 

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

 

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

 

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

 

"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Abbott & Costello 2005

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble !

 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

 

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa''. Her response - click.

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour Ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

 

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , C A is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. And every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble ! ...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

My wife works as a reservation agent, and she gets calls like this ALL THE TIME.

 

At least if they're flying, that's that many fewer idiots on the roads....

[lemming]

Re: Jokes

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED

 

Still funny, but those have been circulated for years. (pre-internet)

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A woman gets a divorce and decides to start dating again. She doesn't have any luck, so she sees a doctor who happens to be Chinese. He checks her out and tells her she's healthy.

 

"Why can't I seem to get a date then?"

 

"Take off your clothes." She does.

 

"Get on all fours and crawl away from me." She also does that.

 

"You have Ed Zachary Syndrome."

 

"Ed Zachary Syndrome? What's that?"

 

 

"Arse look Ed Zachary like face!"

 

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called' date=' furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)[/quote']

 

You get the government you vote for.

 

The Australian version is about the American tourist (what else?) who travels to Alice Springs (town in almost the exact centre of Australia). He becomes furious because he specifically asked for a hotel room with an ocean view (Australia is an island, right?), and didn't get one.

 

Similarly, there is the story of the two American tourists who, shortly after arriving in Sydney, hop into a taxi and ask to be taken to Perth. When queried by the driver (who somehow doesn't fall over laughing), they state that they know for a fact that Perth is "on the other side of the island".

[austenandrews]

Re: Jokes

 

Similarly' date=' there is the story of the two American tourists who, shortly after arriving in Sydney, hop into a taxi and ask to be taken to Perth. When queried by the driver (who somehow doesn't fall over laughing), they state that they know for a fact that Perth is "on the other side of the island".[/quote']

On the flip side, coming from Texas to vacation in Ireland was interesting. We had to drive "across the island" which was a big deal for the locals. For us it was barely a day trip.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

On the flip side' date=' coming from Texas to vacation in Ireland was interesting. We had to drive "across the island" which was a big deal for the locals. For us it was barely a day trip.[/quote']

 

size matters.