Jokes

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

So does the price of gas.

[lemming]

Re: Jokes

 

On the flip side' date=' coming from Texas to vacation in Ireland was interesting. We had to drive "across the island" which was a big deal for the locals. For us it was barely a day trip.[/quote']

 

I found the same thing. I was working near London, and decided to drive up to Scotland. Not really all that far, but people made it sound like I was swimming the english channel.

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

 

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

 

 

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

 

 

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

[matrix3]

Re: Jokes

 

On the flip side' date=' coming from Texas to vacation in Ireland was interesting. We had to drive "across the island" which was a big deal for the locals. For us it was barely a day trip.[/quote']

 

I had that when I spent a semester in Wales. My flatmates didn't understand the U.S. car culture, all that commuting and what have you. I pointed out that California alone was longer than England and Scotland put together, but they didn't believe me. The U.S. wasn't really that big...

 

I finally had to find a map and add up distance to show them. Now, using Google Maps, it's much easier:

 

Thurso, UK, to Eastbourne, East Sussex, UK is 746 miles

Yreka, CA to San Diego, CA is 759 miles

 

I also talked about driving from Havre, Montana to San Diego. It about blew their minds...

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Jokes

 

 

I also talked about driving from Havre, Montana to San Diego. It about blew their minds...

 

A band I really like from Scotland had, early in their career had a gig in LA, and a gig in Denver the next day, and figured they could drive it no problem, with extra time to setup.....

 

 

Or to use the old saw

 

"An American thinks 300 years is a long time, the British think 300 miles is a long way"

[slikmar]

Re: Jokes

 

I think this is not only from other countries, but also northeast coast to midwest and west coast. 2 things stand out to me on that:

1) When I worked at a small computer store, there was a couple who flew out to go to a local convention and decided to stop by our store. They started asking us which buses to take to get to where they wanted to go and we all stared at each other in bewilderment. They commented that next time they came out they would make sure to rent a car.

2) Not driving, but a similar story. My brother was stationed at the old air force base in the early 90s. One of his group was from the east coast area near the adirondack mountains. One day, he looked up, saw Mount Baldy to the north and decided to go for a jog up to the mountains, since in his opinion they couldn't be more then 10 miles away. Half a day later, and seemingly no closer to the mountain, he decided the people telling him they were 50+ miles away might have been right. (A history teacher I had used to joke that the settlers who crossed the adirondacks didn't realize that those were just foothills compared to what they would see).

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why did the landlord go to a psychiatrist?

 

 

A: Because he had an Apartment Complex.

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

 

The fairy godmother replied,"It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others' eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

 

 

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are all having a drink at the doggy bar down the street from where they live.

 

A very nice looking female border collie walks up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence will be my top dog."

 

The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

 

The collie replies, "Sorry, that's not good enough."

 

The Bulldog tries, "I'll have some liver and cheese please."

 

The collie is unimpressed, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."

 

Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

A fellow named Harry decides to do some serious travelling. He roams for a number of years through various countries, having various adventures and acquiring much wisdom. Eventually, he arrives in Egypt, and soon hears rumours of a wise man (with amazing abilities, naturally!) living on a quiet stretch of the Nile.

 

Harry decides to seek this wise man out. After obtaining reasonably detailed instructions, he travels upriver, inevitably having a few adventures along the way, and eventually arrives at his destination. What he finds is a small but cozy hut, surrounded by a pleasant garden, inhabited by Ali, a nice old Egyptian gentleman - who is genuinely delighted to have a visitor.

 

The two get to talking (Ali's English proving to be much better than Harry's Arabic). Harry eventually broaches the subject of the wise man's rumoured 'special powers'.

 

"Oh, yes", says Ali. "Like my ancestors before me, I am the custodian of an ancient art. One that draws all of its power from the Great Nile itself. Using it, the Pharaohs built the Pyramids."

 

Harry is a little skeptical, naturally, but asks, "Can you tell me about this art of yours?"

 

"Better yet. I shall show you."

 

Ali leads Harry down to the river's waterline, where a large boulder, about the size of a car, sits in the shallows. The wise man bows his head, clasps his hands together and mumbles something under his breath. He then reaches out, grabs hold of the boulder and, with barely a hint of effort, raises the boulder over his head. He holds it there for almost a minute, before dumping it back in the mud.

 

Harry is amazed. "WOW!"

 

"Better yet", says Ali. "My father enjoyed musicals, and he invented THIS."

 

Ali hunches and mumbles some more. He then picks up the boulder and, walking on water, carries it out to the middle of the river. Once there, he starts tossing the boulder into the air and catching it, like a gigantic beachball. As he does so, he sings, and all of the crocs and hippos and birdlife in the area stop whatever they are doing to sing and dance as well. It is an astounding spectacle, to put it mildly.

 

"WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry exclaims. "Could you possibly teach me how to do that?"

 

Ali responds "I have no sons, and have no wish to see the art of my ancestors die out. Also, it may be time for others to learn of its existance. So, I shall teach you."

 

Harry builds his own hut, settles down and, for the next few years, is Ali's apprentice. He learns both tricks and eventually takes leave of his master to return to civilization.

 

Ali spends several weeks on his own. Truth be told, he enjoys his solitude for a little time, but soon starts hoping for more visitors. So, he is very pleased when another visitor arrives, a backpacker named Karl, who also wants to learn the art.

 

In conversation, it is revealed that Harry demonstrated his new powers to a huge crowd near Cairo. The first trick, the boulder lifting, was immensely popular - people could not get enough of it. However, the second trick was so bizarre and unbelievable that, well, people just could not believe it. They kept thinking it was hypnosis or hallucinations or something.

 

Anyhow, Karl has come to learn the first trick. Ali asks him if he is sure he doesn't want to learn the second trick as well.

 

"Nein" Karl says (did I mention he was German?). "I just vant der plausible Nile ability;"

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

"After several months of being simultaneously punished and not punished, Pavlov's dog learned not to chase after Schrödinger's cat."

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Jokes

 

"After several months of being simultaneously punished and not punished' date=' Pavlov's dog learned not to chase after Schrödinger's cat."[/quote']

 

Sigged

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Who was the greatest male financier in the bible?

Noah - he was floating stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

Who was the greatest female financier?

The Pharoah's daughter - she went down to the bank of the Nile and withdrew a little prophet.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

"After several months of being simultaneously punished and not punished' date=' Pavlov's dog learned not to chase after Schrödinger's cat."[/quote']

 

You must spread Rep yadda yadda yadda....

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A woman takes her 16 year old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says "OK, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant - about four months would be my guess." The mother says, " Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you, Frances? Frances says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, just just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time."

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

A young couple was having their first child. The labor was quick and very easy for the new mother and soon they had healthy baby boy. Strangely the infant didn't cry but instead looked the delivering doctor right in the eyes and asked. "Are you my daddy?"

 

Stunned the doctor stammered that he wasn't and the boy looked to the assisting nurse and asked "Are you my daddy?" She shook her head, as confused as the rest. So the baby looked around the room asking the same question until he came to his father who gave a baffled affirmative. "Hold me?" the infant requested.

 

No father would turn down that request and he carefully took his odd but beautiful new son on his arms.

 

And the child reached up and started to rap him on the top of head with its little fist, over and over again. "W-what are you doing?" he asked, more confused than over.

 

"Oh," the baby replied," I'm just gonna see how YOU like this for 9 months."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

An elderly man was talking to his friend while their wives sat across the room chatting. At one point, the friend lamented that he keeps forgetting things.

 

"I used to have a problem with remembering things, too, until I took a memory course," said the man. "It involves mnemonics, using words that sound like the word you're trying to remember."

 

"Wow," said the friend, "sounds like something I should try. What was the name of the memory course you took?"

 

The elderly man thought a moment. "Oh, shoot. What's the name of that flower, the red one, with thorns?"

 

"A rose?" said the friend.

 

"Yeah, that's it," said the man, then turned toward his wife. "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that memory course I took?"

[Gawain]

Re: Jokes

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

 

 

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

 

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

 

 

 

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

 

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

 

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

 

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

 

 

 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

 

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

 

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

 

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

 

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

 

 

 

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

 

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

 

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

 

 

 

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

 

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

 

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

 

 

 

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A farmer had four beautiful daughters.

 

One Saturday evening a ute pulls up outside the farm and a strapping young bloke gets out.

 

"G'day," he says, "I'm Joe I've come to take Flo to the show is it a go?"

 

The farmer tells him he can take Flo to the show.

 

Five minutes later another ute pulls up and another young bloke gets out.

 

"G'day, I'm Lance I've come to take Nance to the dance, is there a chance?"

 

The farmer tells him he can take Nance to the dance.

 

The dust has barely settled when another ute pulls up and a young bloke emerges.

 

"G'day, I'm Ray I've come to take Fay to the play is it okay?"

 

The farmer gives him the okay.

 

Right behind him is another ute and a good looking, six foot bloke gets out.

 

"G'day," he says, "I'm Buck..."

 

"Son," the farmer says, "You've got 30 seconds to be off my property."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A young Native American man went to a doctor for his first ever physical exam. After checking all of his vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Buck, you are in fine health. I can find no problems. However, I did notice one strange anomaly."

 

"And what is that, Doctor?"

 

"Well, you have no nipples."

 

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," he replied.

 

"That is astounding!" said the incredulous doc. "If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few notes in order to submit this phenomenon to The New England Journal of Medicine."

 

"All right, doctor."

 

Note pad in hand, the doctor asked, "First of all, how many people are there in your tribe?"

 

He answered, "About 500."

 

"And what is the name of this tribe?" asked the doc.

 

Running Buck replied, "We are known as 'The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.'"

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

From The FINAL Poll for the NGD's funniest member thread:

 

I'm Kara Zor-El and I approved this message:

 

A vote for Kara is a vote for natural breasts!

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

"A new psychologist comes to town and decides to speak to mothers and their children.

 

The first mother walks in and the psychologist asks the child's name, to which the mother replies, "Her name is Candy." The psychologist tells the mother that she has a fetish for sweet foods.

 

The second mother enters and he asks the child's name, to which the mother replies, "Her name is Brandy." The psychologist tells the mother that she has a fetish for alcohol.

 

 

The third mother had been in the waiting room and overheard the other interviews.

 

She took her son's hand, and said, "Come along, Richard, we are getting out of here!"

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

What is faster, hot or cold?

 

 

Hot. You can catch a cold, but you can't catch a hot.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry." At this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters, "Will it take ME?"