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Dust Raven

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Re: Jokes

 

Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

 

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the

last drop.

 

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

 

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

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Re: Jokes

 

Disclaimer: This is making the rounds here in Oklahoma. Remember this is a state where President Obama failed to carry a single county during the election. I would not be surprised if a variation of this used to exist for President Bush.

 

Positive outlook..........if you don't have one, this WILL help.

 

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

 

1. Open a new file in your computer.

 

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

 

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

 

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

 

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

 

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

 

7. Feel better?

 

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

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Re: Jokes

 

Disclaimer: This is making the rounds here in Oklahoma. Remember this is a state where President Obama failed to carry a single county during the election. I would not be surprised if a variation of this used to exist for President Bush.

 

Positive outlook..........if you don't have one, this WILL help.

 

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

 

1. Open a new file in your computer.

 

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

 

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

 

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

 

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

 

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

 

7. Feel better?

 

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

 

Windows XP doesn't phrase the question right for the joke to work. :(

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Re: Jokes

 

Jesus and Moses plays golf

 

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes ailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.

Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop

fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

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Re: Jokes

 

Political Correctness

 

The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M

University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary

term: This year's term was "Political Correctness".

*

The winner wrote:

*

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,*

illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream

media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to

pick up a turd by the clean end".

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Re: Jokes

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

 

Bubba,

 

 

Big Jake, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

 

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

 

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

 

Better wait outside.

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Re: Jokes

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

 

Bubba,

 

 

Big Jake, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

 

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

 

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

 

Better wait outside.

 

The proper english in the first line is a giveaway that it's not real. It should read: "Big Jake, Duke, Slim, an Me went for more ammo and beer." ;)

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Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why did the Denver Broncos choose orange as their team color?

 

A: Because that way their fans can wear orange to the games on Sunday, hunting on Saturday, and picking up trash the rest of the week.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Jokes

 

- A military cargo plane is flying over a populated area when it starts to go down.

 

They've got lots of cargo onboard, which makes it difficult for the pilot who is trying to pull the plane back up.

 

The pilot yells out to the soldiers in the back, "Throw out some gear!"

 

The soldiers throw out a pistol, but the plane continues to go down.

 

The pilot yells again, "Quick - throw out some more!"

 

The soldiers throw out a rifle, but the plane continues to go down.

 

The pilot screams, "More! More! More!"

 

The soldiers throw out a missile, and the pilot manages to pull the plane out of the dive.

 

After they land the plane safely the pilot and the soldiers jump into a jeep.

 

As they drive into town they see a kid on the side of the road crying.

 

"Mate, what happened?"

 

"A pistol hit me on the head," explains the kid.

 

"Sorry about that."

 

They keep driving in the jeep and they see a man crying on the side of the road.

 

"A rifle hit me on the head," sobs the man.

 

The men apologise and keep driving until they see another kid, but this one is laughing on the side of the road.

 

"Mate, what's so funny?"

 

The boy giggles as he explains, "I sneezed and a house blew up."

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Re: Jokes

 

During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who were sentenced to die by the guillotine. One Christian had the gift of faith, the other had the gift of prophecy, the other had the gift of helps.

 

The Christian with the gift of faith was to be executed first. He was asked if he wanted to wear a hood over his head. He declined and said he was not afraid to die. "I have faith that God will deliver me!" he shouted bravely. His head was positioned under the guillotine, with his neck on the chopping block. He looked up at the sharp blade, said a short prayer and waited confidently. The rope was pulled, but nothing happened.

 

His executioners were amazed and, believing that this must have been an act of God, they freed the man.

 

The Christian with the gift of prophecy was next. His head was positioned under the guillotine blade and he too was asked if he wanted the hood. "No," he said, "I am not afraid to die. However, I predict that God will deliver me from this guillotine!" At that, the rope was pulled and again, nothing happened. Once, again the puzzled executioners assumed this must be a miracle of God, and they freed the man.

 

The third Christian, with the gift of helps, was next. He was brought to the guillotine and likewise asked if he wanted to wear a hood. "No," he said, "I'm just as brave as those other two guys." The executioners then positioned him face up under the guillotine and were about to pull the rope when the man stopped them. "Hey wait a minute," he said. "I think I just found the problem with your guillotine."

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Re: Jokes

 

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

 

Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

 

The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

 

The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!'

 

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

 

He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

 

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

 

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Jokes

 

CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE

 

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .

 

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you for flying with us today and

hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast

 

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

 

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

 

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

 

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

 

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

 

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

 

He's gotta land the plane and take a sh** first.'

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Re: Jokes

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your jeans in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe that would make your bum look smaller!"

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

 

"What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

"Darling", he called into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

 

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'."

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Re: Jokes

 

Why do they call it PMS?

 

 

Because 'mad cow' was taken. :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't hurt me.

 

My brother and I use this a a retort when my Mom tells one of her favorite jokes:

 

Q: Why don't men get mad cow disease?

 

 

A: Because men are pigs.

 

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Re: Jokes

 

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

 

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

 

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: Your computer?

 

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software...

 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

 

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 

ABBOTT: I just did.

 

COSTELLO: You just did what?

 

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

COSTELLO: For my office?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

 

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

 

ABBOTT: Word.

 

COSTELLO: What word?

 

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

 

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

 

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers.. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

 

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

 

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 

ABBOTT: One copy.

 

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

 

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 

(A few days later)

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

 

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

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Re: Jokes

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

 

Bubba,

 

 

Big Jake, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

 

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

 

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

 

Better wait outside.

 

Very similer to something that really happened to guy I know.

 

He is a truckdriver that travels with his pitbull. He went into the truckstop. As he was eating, a man runs in and yells "Who ownes the pitbull that's eating a guy in the parking lot!?"

he runs outside and the dog has the man by the throat, but haddn't killed him...Yet

The guy had broke into the truck and the dog attacked him.

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  • 1 month later...

Re: Jokes

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

 

The day finally arrived.

 

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

 

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

 

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

"First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

 

"Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

 

"Third: What is God's first name?"

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

 

 

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?" Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."

 

"How about the next one?" asked St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

 

"Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and the answer is Twelve."

 

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ...."

 

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

 

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

 

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

 

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,

 

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..' "

 

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run!"

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