Tim Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Re: Jokes Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've created." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh, while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Illinois, the most glorious place on earth. There will be beautiful prairies, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands." The people from Illinois are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and ambassadors of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Springfield, Cook County, and Chicago's City Hall ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 Re: Jokes The top ten indicators that the economy is bad: 10. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 9. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 8. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank. 7. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM in the stock market. 6. McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer. 5. People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning their children's names. 4. Jury duty is now one of the highest-paying jobs. 3. Motel 6 won't leave the lights on for you. 2. The Mafia is laying off judges. ...And my most favorite indicator of all: 1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexus Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 Re: Jokes The top ten indicators that the economy is bad: 10. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 9. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 8. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank. 7. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM in the stock market. 6. McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer. 5. People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning their children's names. 4. Jury duty is now one of the highest-paying jobs. 3. Motel 6 won't leave the lights on for you. 2. The Mafia is laying off judges. ...And my most favorite indicator of all: 1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them. Very nice! I'll shoot you some rep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 Re: Jokes Very nice! I'll shoot you some rep And I'll just shoot you. :bmk: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 Re: Jokes And I'll just shoot you. :bmk: It's not bad enough that I'm broke, but now I'm being shot at too?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted June 14, 2009 Report Share Posted June 14, 2009 Re: Jokes Dance P-Boy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 Re: Jokes German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans, 25,000 years ago, had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig deeper. 100 metres down they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000 years ago, had a nationwide fiber net. Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 metres down and found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish, 55,000 years ago, had cellular phones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 Re: Jokes http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html Interview with author/prankster -- http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,28348,24674837-5014239,00.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 Re: Jokes What looks like half a sandwich? The other half. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 Re: Jokes http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html Interview with author/prankster -- http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,28348,24674837-5014239,00.html more: this one really funny -- http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html School "I don't understand why I have to go to school at all, the internet knows more than all the teachers there put together." (from http://www.27bslash6.com/slyseb.html) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Re: Jokes A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" He said, "Who f---ed up your hair?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 24, 2009 Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 Re: Jokes In America a Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so. The second reason is that I cook better than you." Wife: "Nonsence, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did. My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." The wife was outraged, "Did my husband say that as well?" "No Senora," Maria replied, "the gardener did." "So, how much do you want?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 24, 2009 Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 Re: Jokes An Aussie was visiting a bar in the US with a Texan friend and he needed to make use of the bathroom for a leak. The Texan decided that he needed to go as well, so the men walked in together. Inside the Texan headed for the urinal while the Aussie headed to the cubicle. "Hell!" said the Texan, "Ah thought you Aussies were tough hombres but ah see you have to sit down to pee like a woman." "It's not that," replied the Aussie, "it's just that I had a hernia operation recently and the doctor told me I wasn't allowed to lift anything heavy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes Did you hear about the new movie called Constipated? The really sad thing is that it never came out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes I have to remember that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes Did you hear the news that my dog has diarrhea? It's all over the papers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'Lard Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes Do all places of employment suffer from staff infection ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Re: Jokes When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch ! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel..' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lemming Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes Wait, Squirrel's don't live in the tropics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes ...the African pygmy squirrel (Myosciurus pumilio) of the West African tropical forests is even smaller, at 13 to 20 grams, with a body length of 6 to 8 cm and a somewhat shorter tail. Source Lucius 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes I wonder if there is a European pygmy squirrel and if so which one runs faster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lemming Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes Source Well, there we go. Kick away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes I wonder if there is a European pygmy squirrel and if so which one runs faster. What is the average ground speed velocity of a pygmy squirrel, anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Re: Jokes What do you mean? African or European? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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