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I liked "I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar"

 

Heard on Car Talk:

 

Wal-Mart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 -$5 range.

 

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but, says Kathy Mickey, VP of marketing, "There is a market for inexpensive wine. The right name is very important."

 

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity included:

 

10. Chateau Trailer Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

And the most popular suggestion Wal-Mart's new wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

 

Bill.

(The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel)).

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Re: Jokes

 

How did you find that??

 

Lucius Alexander

 

How many palindromedaries does it take to change a lightbulb?

Send me your e-mail and I'll send you the e-mail in which I received it.

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Re: Jokes

 

"Revenge of the Tiger" by Claude Balls

 

"Under the Grandstand" by Seymour Buttz

 

"Punctuality for Dummies" by Justin Thyme.

 

"Sex for beginners" by Ima Reddie.

 

"Psychic Precognition" by Sarah Bellum.

 

"I was Bruce Lee's half-brother" by Fug Lee, the Half-Orc.

 

"How to search a suspect" by Pat Downing.

 

Check back often! More great titles coming soon!

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Re: Jokes

 

An oldie but a goodie:

 

 

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

 

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

 

"Now give me back my dog."

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Re: Jokes

 

ONLY IN AMERICA:

 

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the

way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions

while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,

large fries, and a diet coke. !

 

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then

chain the pens to the counters.

 

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of

dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.

 

Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten

and buns in packages of eight.

 

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to

describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'

and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

 

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with

Braille lettering.

 

 

EVER WONDER ....

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

 

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and

dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? !

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush

hour?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on

airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that

stuff?!

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck

together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of

progress?

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the

terminal?

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Re: Jokes

 

An oldie but a goodie:

 

 

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

 

..............................................................................................................

 

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

 

....................................................................................................................

 

I heard this one as a shepherd and a consultant.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

So this guy asks if he can have a palindromedary if he can guess how many I have....

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Re: Jokes

 

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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Re: Jokes

 

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids and to get a

little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up

his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

(1) First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

(2) Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

(3) Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

(4) Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?"

 

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that

they will continue after recess.

 

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,

question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his

name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

(1) First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

(2) Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

(3) Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

(4) Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage, when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

(5) Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

(6) Sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

 

Chris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

 

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's

a sheep, you idiot."

 

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on

the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

 

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars

in Billings."

 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to

belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

 

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going

to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully

bears in bars in Billings"

 

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He

comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

 

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully

bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

 

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs!"

............You're gonna love this.........

 

 

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a

bar*****youate!!!!!!!!

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Re: Jokes

 

One of my favorites ... my wife is a non-practicing attorney ... is the "bronze rat" joke. Just google for "bronze rat" and you'll see it.

That's one of my favorites, too.

 

Non-practicing? Does that mean she perfected it?

 

 

 

 

Know how many lawyer jokes there are?

 

Three. The rest are true stories.

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Re: Jokes

 

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

 

Chris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

 

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's

a sheep, you idiot."

 

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Must be about a New Zealander

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Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Two Brooms

 

> >>Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a

> while they

> >>

> >>got to know each other so well, they decided to

> get married.

>

> >>One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the

> other the

> >>

> >>groom broom.

> >>

>>The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white

> dress. The

> >>

> >>groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

> The

> >>

> >>wedding was lovely.

> >>

>>After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the

> bride-broom

> >>

> >>leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think

> I am going

> >>

> >>to have a little whisk broom!!!"

> >>

>>"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

> >>

>! ; >>Are you ready for this?

> >>

> >>

> >>Brace yourself.

> >>

> >>This is really going to hurt!

 

 

> >>

> >>"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

> >>

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Re: Jokes

 

More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

 

I went to sleep with my head under my pillow. When I woke up, I had $10, but all my teeth were gone!

 

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

 

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia?

A: A Religious movement

 

Do you think all the other flowers make fun of Pansies?

 

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself.

 

I asked the bank teller to check my balance, so she pushed me.

 

Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance?

A: To get to the other side.

 

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

 

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

 

All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.

 

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

 

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

 

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

 

"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun..."

 

The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

 

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

 

Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.

 

Did you hear about the new Chinese German restaurant in town? The food is great, but an hour later, you are hungry for power.

 

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

War is God's way of teaching us geography

 

Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks.

 

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years

 

You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing in an airplane, and everyone else joins in.

 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

 

If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge of the bed you'll soon drop off.

 

When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

A good pun is its own reword.

 

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

 

Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head.

 

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. Death hates that.

 

Arnie before chess: "I'll be black!"

 

Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.

 

If she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?

 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

 

What's brown and sticky? A stick

 

I always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

 

The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

 

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."

 

All the plants in my house are dead, I shot them last night.

 

My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

 

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

 

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

 

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

 

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We’re surrounded!

 

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

 

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

 

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something.

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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Re: Jokes

 

One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

 

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

 

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

 

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

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Re: Jokes

 

Why do programmers get confused between Christmas and Haloween? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.

 

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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Re: Jokes

 

This one is Mightybec bad, so I'm going to put in a spoiler space and change the color...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q. What's the difference between a washing machine and a stalker girlfriend?

A. The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it.

 

Bill.

(Yes, I'm going to a special hell...) ;)

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