Pariah Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Re: Jokes Agreed. On both counts. (Somebody Rep mattingly for me, will ya?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Re: Jokes Got 'im for ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Re: Jokes A man went to see his doctor and said "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor found this hard to believe, and talked to the man for over an hour, trying to talk him out of it. No matter what the doctor said, the man insisted that he wanted to be castrated. Finally, the doctor gave in and scheduled the man for surgery. As they wheeled the man out of the operating room, he spotted a friend of his waiting to go in. "Phil! What are you doing here? I didn't know you were sick." "I'm not sick. I just wanted to be circumcised." "Dammit! That's the word!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Re: Jokes A newlywed was preparing a roast for her new husband and wasn't certain how to proceed. She called her mother and asked how to prepare the roast. Mom's instructions began: "Cut the ends off the roast...". The daughter thought this was odd, and asked her mother why it was done this way. After thinking about it a minute, Mom could think of no answer but remembered that this was how her mother always did it. They called Grandma and asked why she cut the ends off the roast, but she didn't know either. All she knew was that her mother had always done it that way. Fortunately, Great-grandma was still alive and alert enough to ask. Her answer? "When I was young, the only roasting pan we had was too small, so I cut the ends off the roast so it would fit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Re: Jokes A crusty old Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, Ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had a bit of lovin'?" "1955, Ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no loving' since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him serveral times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." Gotta love military time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Re: Jokes Why is the Port Adelaide Club sending the team to art classes? They're hoping that by the start of next season they'll be able to draw a crowd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Re: Jokes Why is the Port Adelaide Club sending the team to art classes? They're hoping that by the start of next season they'll be able to draw a crowd. The team should take acting classes so they can imrove their sketch comedy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 Re: Jokes A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blonde's aren't as dumb as most folks think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 Re: Jokes The team should take acting classes so they can imrove their sketch comedy. The team club is an Australian Rules (football) club. Acting classes won't help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamamura Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 Re: Jokes When and where do you plant bullet producing plants? On November 5 in Gun Flower Plots. How could you forget. SteveZilla 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Re: Jokes Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!" Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 12, 2009 Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 Re: Jokes When you stop to think... don't forget to start again. - SteveZilla 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 13, 2009 Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 Re: Jokes When you stop to think... don't forget to start again. - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted October 13, 2009 Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 Re: Jokes When you stop to think... don't forget to start again. - The problem is that some people seem to have never started in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 Re: Jokes Mr & Mrs Meek went to the Priest and asked him: "When are we going to inherit the earth?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 17, 2009 Report Share Posted October 17, 2009 Re: Jokes A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up onto a stool. The bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Who'd want a drink called 'Bob'?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted October 18, 2009 Report Share Posted October 18, 2009 Re: Jokes ohn was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young Hens (pullets), and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. SteveZilla 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted October 18, 2009 Report Share Posted October 18, 2009 Re: Jokes Truer now more than ever IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Re: Jokes "With the holiday season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need." Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the lock-out. But now you can help! For about $684.93 a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it only totals the yearly league minimum, but it's a start. $2000.00 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned. For a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: { } Starter { } Reserve { } Star* { } Superstar** { } Entire team*** { } I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders). Please charge the account listed below $684.93 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. { } MasterCard { } Visa { } American Express { } DiscoverCard { } Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________ Telephone Number: __________________________ Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________ Signature: __________________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Re: Jokes [it's right above this one. Go see for yourself.] "You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later." Dangit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Re: Jokes Got 'im for you. Now someone get 'im for me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Re: Jokes How can you tell the Irishman on an oil rig? He's the one throwing breadcrumbs to the helicopters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Re: Jokes A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Give me a double entendre." So he gave her one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Re: Jokes One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly. The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request. A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?" With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 28, 2009 Report Share Posted October 28, 2009 Re: Jokes A Child's Prayer for Dad: "Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on dad's computer. Amen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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