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Dust Raven

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Re: Jokes

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

 

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

 

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

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Re: Jokes

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

 

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home."

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Re: Jokes

 

JACK DANIELS FISHING STORY

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

 

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

 

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

 

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

 

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

 

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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A member of the Australian explorers club is hunting for rare animals in darkest Africa. He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to Australia to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature and because it is so rare, he calls it a 'Rarey' and gives a talk on it before the members.

 

Over a short period of time the Rarey grows extremely fast and is soon too large for its cage and escapes. It becomes a menace killing any person and animal for food that gets in its way and before too long the armed forces are called in to try to capture or kill the Rarey are to no avail. The only action left to the would-be capturers is to kill it. They open fire with high powered rifles with no effect. They then shoot missiles at the Rarey and again no effect. The only reaction is to make the Rarey more angry and it escapes killing many of the men that surround it.

 

The Government of the day becomes desperate and offers a million dollars reward for the capture of the Rarey dead or alive. Many take up the challenge using explosives, posion, lasers, electricity and other methods to stun or kill the Rarey. Most of the people who take up the challenge in fact become a victim of the Rarey. One feeble older gentlemen by the name of Bruce decides to join the quest and sets out with a truckload of bananas. When he discovers the Rarey's hideout he leaves a trail of bananas up a mountain and to the edge of a cliff. The Rarey reaches and eats the last banana and looks around for more of the delicious fruit. Bruce notices the Rarey's appetite still not satisfied and throws the last of the bananas over the cliff edge. The Rarey reaches for the banana and falls hundreds of feet to his death.

 

The Government, true to their word, pay the million dollars to Bruce and at the ceremony ask him how he knew that such a fall would kill the Rarey. Bruce looks at the cheque in his hands and sings 'It's a long way to Tipperary'

 

----

 

Part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place. - Jack Bauer, '24'

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A mother was reading a bed time story to her young daughter who asked, "Mum, do all fairy stories start off with 'Once upon a time'?"

 

"No dear," replied the mother, "some start off 'Sorry I'm late dear, I got held up at the office'."

 

Which reminds me of...

 

What's the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?

 

Fairy tales begin "once upon a time..."

Sea stories begin "this ain't no sh**..."

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Re: Jokes

 

Which reminds me of...

 

What's the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?

 

Fairy tales begin "once upon a time..."

Sea stories begin "this ain't no sh**..."

 

Reminds me... the difference between a Fairy Tale told in the North and the same told in the South. . .

 

In The North: "Once Upon A Time. . ."

In The South: "See, What Had Happened Was. . ."

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A woman arrived at a party, and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

 

She approached him, smimled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

 

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied, "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'."

 

"What's your name?" she asked.

 

He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

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A highway patrolman was sitting on his motorcycle with a radar gun, watching for speeders. A convertible with the top down zoomed past, doing over 100 miles per hour. The patrolman gave chase, and when he caught up to the speeding car, he was amazed to see a lovely blonde woman steering with her knees and knitting furiously.

 

"Pull over!" shouted the cop.

 

The blonde shouted back: "No! Afghan!"

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Jenny Sanford, the wife of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, was recently visiting a fortune teller. After consulting her crystal ball, the mystic intoned, “Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!”

 

Mrs. Sanford took a deep breath, and after a moment asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

 

:bmk:

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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent

word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed.

 

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally. He

ascended into the belfry to begin the screening process. After

observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, the bishop

decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and

announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

 

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the

man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face,

producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

 

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally

found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to

strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the

belfry window to his death in the street below.

 

The stunned bishop rushed to the dead man's side. When the bishop

reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn

by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they

silently parted to let the bishop through, someone asked, "Bishop, who

was this man?"

 

"I never learned his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face

rings a bell."

 

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart

due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop

continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame.

 

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother

of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry

yesterday. I pray that you allow me to honor his life by choosing me to

replace him in this duty."

 

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's

brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he gasped,

clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

 

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,

rushed up the stairs to his side.

 

"What happened?" the first asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?"

 

"I don't know his name," wailed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead

ringer for his brother."

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Re: Jokes

 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called "A Gripe Sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before their next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Sorry, live bugs are on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: After a brief search, engine was found on right wing.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...

God addresses Al first.. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

 

 

 

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve..And I've come to understand that now.''

 

God thinks for a second and says: Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

 

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

 

 

Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

 

God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''

 

 

He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

 

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

 

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!”

 

“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

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Re: Jokes

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

"Sir, have you been drinking?" he asks.

 

"Just water," replies the priest.

 

The state trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and gasps, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn’t tell apart. She went to her neighbor and asked if he had any ideas to help her. The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse’s tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.

 

She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence. Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn’t tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor

said to trim one of the horse’s ears.

 

The blond thanked her neighbor again and went home. Then she trimmed one of her horse’s ears. Now he could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blond was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.

 

The blond thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out, that the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse.

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Re: Jokes

 

Voted funniest joke at this years Edinburgh Fringe:

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

 

And voted worst:

I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad.

 

My son's favourite joke:

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies

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Re: Jokes

 

Paddy was in New York.

 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy streeet crossing.

 

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians."

 

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass again.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him with a question.

 

"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

------------------

thought for the day: Never take someone for granted. Hold them close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond when you were busy collecting stones (from a 10 year old)

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