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Re: Jokes

 

A bass player is at a gig. All night he's checking out all of the girls at the show. Afterwards, he tries picking up one of them, but every attempt fails. Finally, he goes to the bar for a drink.

 

The bartender asks him, "Why are you so down, man?"

 

The bassist replies, "I can't get any of these girls to go back to my room with me. I need to make love to someone in the worst way."

 

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, that would be standing in a hammock."

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Re: Jokes

 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write "Spaghetti" on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payment to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

 

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

 

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

 

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Re: Jokes

 

Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

 

Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"

 

Elmer replies,

"I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."

 

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Re: Jokes

 

Maybe the joke would've been funnier if I said, "What sits in a dark room, listening to Fallout Boy and getting smaller and smaller"? ;)

 

OK, so for mwiggins, here's the explaination:

 

 

 

Emo kids have something of a reputation for "cutting," that is, taking a razor blade and making small cuts across the back of their arm or their thigh. The logic is, apparently, "If I'm feeling pain then at least I'm feeling something at all," or "I want my outside to hurt as much as my inside does." Or, I suppose, "I want people to pay attention to me, and negative attention is better than no attention at all."

 

So, the joke postulates that if you gave one of them a potato peeler instead of a razor, they would presumably spend time shaving chunks of themselves off. Thus, growing smaller and smaller.

 

QED. ;)

 

 

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Re: Jokes

 

I think teh Bunneh is just being a real cut-up.

 

Edit: I wonder how long my razor-sharp wit can bleed this joke...

 

You're just wounded that you didn't think of it first.

 

Ah-ha! Skewered by my rapier wit! :D

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Re: Jokes

 

I get it now (I think), but what does EMO stand for? Emotional?

SAD fact: woman attempt suicide more often then men. In ,apparently, an attempt to get attention. But men are better at getting it done the first time.

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Re: Jokes

 

Emo is short for emotional, yes.

 

suicide is the only crime you can't be punished for. if so I wonder what the sentence should be; something short: "Hanging!" hee hee

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Re: Jokes

 

Here's a little Catholic humor for you. ;)

 

POOR BOX

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

 

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 in the poor box.'

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

 

 

LEMON SQUEEZE

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

 

 

CATHOLIC DOG

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to

 

the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists

 

down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

 

 

DONATION

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

 

'It is!'

 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

 

'I can!'

 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

 

'I do!'

 

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 

'He is!'

 

'Did he donate 10,000 to the church?'

 

'He will.'

 

 

 

CONFESSION

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. ... The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins?'

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

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Re: Jokes

 

Emo is short for emotional, yes.

 

suicide is the only crime you can't be punished for. if so I wonder what the sentence should be; something short: "Hanging!" hee hee

 

one of the reasons that suicide is illegal is so that if you get hurt while someone is trying to save you, you can't sue. You would be hurt while in commision of a crime. Sorta like the start of the Incredibles.

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Re: Jokes

 

A city guy decides to go ice fishing

He goes out on the ice and takes a spud bar and begins chopping a hole.

He hears a loud voice say..."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He looks around and starts chopping again. Again he hears...

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He asks "God, is that you?"

 

 

"NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

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Re: Jokes

 

A man goes to the ophthamologist to get an eye test.

 

The doctor says to him "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

 

The patient says "Gosh, wow, is it making me go blind?"

 

"No," says the doctor, "It's upsetting everyone else in the waiting room."

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