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Re: Jokes

 

This one is Mightybec bad, so I'm going to put in a spoiler space and change the color...

 

:rofl: :rofl:

 

Well, if the volume of my laughter is any indicator, I'll be in the chaise lounge next to you.

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Re: Jokes

 

Q. What's the difference between a washing machine and a stalker girlfriend?

A. The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it.

Don't bunnies breed like rabbits?

 

 

You must have lots of stalker girlfriends :eg::D

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Re: Jokes

 

ONLY IN AMERICA:

 

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the

way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions

while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,

large fries, and a diet coke. !

 

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then

chain the pens to the counters.

 

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of

dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.

 

Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten

and buns in packages of eight.

 

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to

describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'

and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

 

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with

Braille lettering.

 

Only in America.....do we require helmets for football players,

but not for motorcyclists.

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Re: Jokes

 

A Touching Animal Story

 

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he

could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

 

For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

 

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

 

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Re: Jokes

 

Three Knights are sitting around a table. "My squire," begins the first with bluster, "is the bravest... ****ING squire in the whole of the realm!!" "Cannae be true," replies the second, "as MY squire is the bravest in this bloody realm!" The third shakes his head ruefully, with a half-drunk smile and says "Aye, yer both wrong - my squire would be the boldest." Such drunk talk cannot be settled without action. In no short order have the three knights decided to settle this proper way.

 

"SQUIRE! Come here!" bellows the first Knight. Immediately his squire appears in a could of dust, panting heavily. "Yes, my lord?" The knight grins knowingly to his fellows. "In a town not too far yonder, a mighty giant has been terrorizing the populace. Take my blade & shield, don my armor well and buckle on my tabard - show that fiend that such atrocity will not be tolerated! Bring me back its head!" Without batting an eyelash, the squire snaps to attention, salutes and runs off - the last they see of him for six hours is his back as he rides off.

 

Surely enough, he returns with the Giants' head in a bag. "Sir!" he cries as he comes in - battered, bloodied and heavily wounded. "Twas most terrible, m'lord! The beast was mighty!" he points, exhausted to the head of the creature. "Twas three times my size! It leveled half the town, i' did! But with strength and perseverance, I won the day." The knight grins broadly, and claps the young man on the shoulder. "Well done, son! Well done indeed! What say you?"

 

The second knight lights his pipe and blows a fragrant cloud of smoke. "SQUIRE! COME HERE!" like lightning the squire appears before his lord. "Yes, m'lord?" "Some two leagues over lies a village near an old cave. They say a dragon has done taken up residence there. Take ye my lance and kite, don my tabard and armor and buckle on my sword. Go forth and slay the monster, and bring me back its head!"

 

In an instant, the squire is gone, wearing his lords gear and astride his horse to make for the lair of the great lizard. It isn't four hours later when he returns, with a makeshift harness dragging the head, and only his pride holding him up in the saddle. Battered & bloodied, he dismounts, nearly collapsing. "M'lord, the battle was long and fierce. The beast was cunning, possessed of magic and raw force beyond any magnitude ye can ken! Horrible flashing flames spewed forth from its mouth! Nearly a whole village was destroyed in the melee. At the last moment, I threw forth my lance as tho' a javelin, and pierced its black heart!" "Well done, son!" cried the knight. Both knights now looked upon their compatriot, each of their squires having accomplished truly prodigious feats of bravery.

 

"What say you?"

 

The third Knight looked in the bottom of his tankard.

 

"Squire!" he shouted!

 

"WHAT?!" came the immediate reply!

 

"Get me a beer!"

 

 

There was not a moment's hesitation.

 

 

"GET IT YOUR DAMN SELF!"

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Re: Jokes

 

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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Re: Jokes

 

A friend of mine (who is part Irish) always liked to tell this one:

 

"An Irishman walks out of a pub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, it could happen." :D

 

Lol. Cute. I like it.

 

And I got nothing. Sorry. :P

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Re: Jokes

 

Subject: CRAZY ETHEL

>

>

>Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around

>the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum

>speed on the long corridors.

>

>Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other

>residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

>

>One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

>Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a

>firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel

>fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held

>it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

>

>As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold

>popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!" Have you got proof of

>insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and

>held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

>

>As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of

>her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

>

>"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test

>again.!!!"

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Re: Jokes

 

Market Terminology for Dummies:

 

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

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Re: Jokes

 

The following was created and written by humorist Shelley Berman.

It is a chapter from Berman's copyrighted book "A Hotel Is A Funny Place", Price/Stern/Sloan.

 

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

 

Thank you,

 

S. Berman

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

 

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

 

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

 

I hope this is satisfactory.

 

Kathy, Relief Maid

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

 

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

 

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

 

Please remove them.

 

S. Berman

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

 

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

 

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

 

Thank you.

 

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

 

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

 

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

 

S. Berman

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

 

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

 

Thank you,

 

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

 

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

 

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

 

S. Berman

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

 

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

 

The situation will be rectified immediately.

 

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

 

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

 

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

 

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

 

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

 

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

 

S. Berman

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

 

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

 

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

 

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

 

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

 

As of today I possess:

 

• On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

 

• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

 

• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 

• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

 

• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 

• On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

 

• On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

 

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

 

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

 

S. Berman

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Re: Jokes

 

The Pastors ass

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so

pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it

won again.

 

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he

ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid

of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby

convent.

 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline

the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get

rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back

the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

 

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So

be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Have a nice day and enjoy a mixed up newspaper!

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Re: Jokes

 

Purina diet

 

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).

 

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants

pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

 

I told her " No; I'd been sitting in the street licking my "privates" and was hit by a car.

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Re: Jokes

 

Not terribly PC, I know, but funny:

 

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

 

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

 

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

 

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

 

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

 

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

 

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

 

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

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Re: Jokes

 

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

**********

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

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Re: Jokes

 

Don't know if this was already up, but a friend just emailed it to me and I thought I'd share:

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

Get your drunken butt off the merry-go-round

 

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Re: Jokes

 

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.

 

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

 

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

 

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."

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Re: Jokes

 

>> Apples & Wine

>>

>> Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the

>> tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are

>> afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the

>> apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the

>> top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're

>> amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one

>> who is brave enough to climb all the way to

>> the top of the tree.

>>

>> Now Men. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to

>> women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something

>> acceptable to have dinner with.

>>

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Re: Jokes

 

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classified:

"Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let

her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to

forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for

Strength I'll just beat him to death "

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Re: Jokes

 

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices

that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees

oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and

stops at the first gas station.

 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around

town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,

decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

 

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his

little flippers.

 

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station

and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic

looks up and says,

 

"It looks like you blew a seal."

 

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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Re: Jokes

 

I'm not sure if this is true but it sounds stupid enough to be

 

 

 

 

Does the expression, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number.

 

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

 

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 

Okay!

 

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

 

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

 

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story...

 

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.

 

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokolat their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

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Re: Jokes

 

I'm not sure if this is true but it sounds stupid enough to be

 

 

 

 

.

 

Part of it is true. All of it might be.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary on the other hand....has no hands

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