Jokes

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How do you spell the name of the country that hosted this year's Olympic Winter Games?

 

 

C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

 

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

So this possum is staggering and weaving through the forest; he's cut and bruised and bloody. As he's staggering along, he runs into another possum, who asks:

 

"What happened to you?"

"I got attacked!"

"Well, didn't you play dead?"

"Of course I did!"

"Well, how did you get so beat up?"

 

"How come nobody told me about Buzzards?!?!"

 

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Did you hear about the shark-themed superhero?

A:

He wanted to take a bite out of crime.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the robot superhero?

A:

He wanted to take a byte out of crime.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the sandwich shop robber?

A:

He wanted to take a bite, out of crime.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the guy who took a bite out of an apple?

Q:

He was just hungry.

 

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

What is worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

 

 

Biting into an apple and finding half of a worm

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

she called me to get my phone number.

 

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'

 

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

 

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

 

she tried to drown a fish.

 

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

 

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 

she tripped over a cordless phone.

 

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

 

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

 

she studied for a blood test.

 

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

 

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

 

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

Well, you could alphabetize them according to the color: blue, brown, green, orange, red, and yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What?

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

I used to be a proofreader at the M & M factory. Sometimes, Ws, Es, and 3s would find their way onto the candies.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Well, you could alphabetize them according to the color: blue, brown, green, orange, red, and yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What?

 

Or you could put them in order of resistor resistance codes: brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Though there are a few numbers missing.

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

I know a guy that got fired from the M&M factory because he kept eating all the W's

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

Well, you could alphabetize them according to the color: blue, brown, green, orange, red, and yellow.

 

You must suffer from CDO. it's the same as obsessive compulsive disorder, but it's alphabetical.

[lemming]

Re: Jokes

 

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 

Actually, there is such a thing: Meow Mix CD

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

You must suffer from CDO. it's the same as obsessive compulsive disorder' date=' but it's alphabetical.[/quote']

 

I have long wondered about that...

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Or you could put them in order of resistor resistance codes: brown' date=' red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Though there are a few numbers missing.[/quote']

 

I forgot about that. Good catch!

[Xavier Onassiss]

Re: Jokes

 

So there was this trucker who made a habit of passing the time on long hauls by knitting. This kept his hands full, so he steered the truck with his knees. A highway patrolman noticed what he was doing, rolled down his window and yelled "Pull over!"

 

To which the trucker replied by holding up his knitting, and yelling back "No, cardigan!"

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

So there was this trucker who made a habit of passing the time on long hauls by knitting. This kept his hands full, so he steered the truck with his knees. A highway patrolman noticed what he was doing, rolled down his window and yelled "Pull over!"

 

To which the trucker replied by holding up his knitting, and yelling back "No, cardigan!"

...I thought that was a blond?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

So there was this trucker who made a habit of passing the time on long hauls by knitting. This kept his hands full, so he steered the truck with his knees. A highway patrolman noticed what he was doing, rolled down his window and yelled "Pull over!"

 

To which the trucker replied by holding up his knitting, and yelling back "No, cardigan!"

 

...I thought that was a blond?

 

What, there can't be a blond trucker?

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A blond was driving down a rural road in her sports car, when she saw another blond sitting in a rowboat, in the middle of a grassy field, rowing for all she's worth (and of course not getting anywhere). So the blond driver pulled over to the side of the road, walked to the edge of the field, and yelled at the blond in the rowboat.

 

"HEY! HEY YOU! It's idiots like you that give blonds a bad name! You make us all look like total morons!

 

And I'd go over there and kick your butt if I knew how to swim!"

 

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

What does Zod say to the waiter taking his order?

 

 

Veal before Zod!

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine one afternoon, when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of the men.

 

"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.

 

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!"

 

"Bring them along!" the lawyer said, as he headed back to the limo, and turning to the second man, said, "You come along, too!"

 

"But sir, I have a wife and four children," said the second man.

 

"Bring them all!" the lawyer said.

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limo.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

"No problem," the lawyer replied...

 

"The grass at my place is almost a foot tall."

 

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

it was so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets.

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

it was so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets.

 

The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and non-lawyers don't think they're jokes.

[RexMundi]

Re: Jokes

 

You Might Be A Hippie If ...

 

Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system.

 

You've ever put a flower is someone's hair.

 

You child is named after a celestial object.

 

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes.

 

Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless.

 

You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet.

 

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy.

 

You don't object to being labeled a hippie.

 

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name.

 

Half your funiture is bean bags.

 

You're always getting pulled over and searched , and you're white.

 

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you.

 

You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane.

 

You roll perfect cigarettes.

 

You're still waiting for those flashbacks.

 

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.

 

You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi.

 

You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain.

 

You trespass onto private property to pick flowers.

 

If ... hey, what was I talking about?

 

~Rex

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.

~Rex

 

That happend to me once.

I was sitting in a McDonalds in a small town in central Ohio. my hair was getting long, I was dog tired, and I was wearing sunglasses inside. A bunch of kids (about 14 years old) asked me if I had any pot.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

You Might Be A Hippie If ...

There needs to be an element of exaggeration if it's going to be funny. These are just facts.