SSgt Baloo Posted March 15, 2010 Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 Re: Jokes Bill Engvall: Here's your sign. Spoilered for (possibly) NSFW language. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 Re: Jokes The morning after a big company function, Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover. Never much of a drinker, he didn't realize that the punch had contained alcohol and really went to town, wondering what havoc he wreaked while in such a state he carefully opened his eyes. The bedroom was spotless and his clothes were laid out for him neatly. Slowly, painfully, he got out of bed and dragged himself to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror he finds to his dismay that he's sporting the mother of all black eyes and there are tissues in his nose to stop the bleeding. Then he notices a note stuck to the mirror: Jack, don't worry about work today, I called and told them you couldn't make it. Breakfast is on the stove, eat what you can I'm off to the store to get your favorite for dinner tonight. I love you so much! - Jillian The note was adorned with hand drawn hearts and a lipstick kiss at the bottom. Blinking a few times, Jack shakes his head and takes a long shower. Then he gets dressed and gingerly makes his way to the kitchen. The house is spotless. When he gets to the kitchen, sure enough there is a lovely breakfast waiting for him. His son Jason is eating at the table and Jack grabs his breakfast and after a bit of silence, he turns to his son and says, "What happened last night? I'm having trouble remembering." "Oh man Dad," Jason says as he admires his father's shiner, "You got home at 3am completely smashed. You knocked over the garbage in the kitchen, loudly threatened Mr. Johnstant's Dog, and then fell onto the coffee table and smashed it. It was like the movies." "Ouch...what happened to my face?" Jack asked, he vaguely remembered shouting at the dog. "Oh you ran into the banister on your way up stairs and knocked yourself out. Mom had to drag you upstairs. Then you puked in the bedroom!" Putting his face in his hands Jack shook his head, "Then why all this? The house is clean, she left me a love note and breakfast and is off to make my favorite dinner for this evening?" "Oh THAT," Jason replied through a bite of his cereal, "After all that, when mom finally got you to bed, she tired to take your pants off and you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch! I' married!'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 Re: Jokes With apologies to Log-man who had to hear that one earlier Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 Re: Jokes Log-man got that drunk? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 Re: Jokes *hic* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted March 17, 2010 Report Share Posted March 17, 2010 Re: Jokes It wasn't easy getting the stains our of the carpet either Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted March 17, 2010 Report Share Posted March 17, 2010 Re: Jokes Wouldn't they just blend in with the previous ones? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 17, 2010 Report Share Posted March 17, 2010 Re: Jokes A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted March 17, 2010 Report Share Posted March 17, 2010 Re: Jokes Jim runs a small business with two employees, Jack and Mary. But in this economy, no one's doing very well, and his business is failing. He realizes he's going to have to let one of two employees go. "But they're both such hard workers!" he says to himself. "I can't possibly decide which one to fire!" He stays up all night worrying about it, and finally, as dawn creeps above the horizon, he comes up with a plan: Whichever one comes in first in the morning, he'll keep. Mary is the one who happens to come in first. He asks her to come into his office and close the door. "Mary," he says. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Mary sighs. "Could you jack-off? I've got a terrible headache." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 18, 2010 Report Share Posted March 18, 2010 Re: Jokes A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read! " "It has NO plot and far too many characters! "The librarian looks up and calmly remarks -"So, you're the one who took our phone book... " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 18, 2010 Report Share Posted March 18, 2010 Re: Jokes A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? " Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case? " "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted March 18, 2010 Report Share Posted March 18, 2010 Re: Jokes there was a lawsuit, the "victim" was suing because he claimed that the car wreck turned him gay. I S##T you not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 18, 2010 Report Share Posted March 18, 2010 Re: Jokes He got rear-ended? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 18, 2010 Report Share Posted March 18, 2010 Re: Jokes A guy recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said the guy was doing 'fairly well' for his age (just turned 60). A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," he replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" He said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling?" "No, I don't," he said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," he said. The doc looked at the guy and said... "Then, why do you even give a ****?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes Q: What is everyone's favorite breakfast aboard the starship Enterprise? A: Worffles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes Covered in... Mrs. Butterworf's syrup. It is a good day to dine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes Nice addition! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes You're both going to Star Trek Hell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes You're both going to Star Trek Hell. do they have Orion Slave Girls there? How much for a season pass? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes You're both going to Star Trek Hell. That's okay, I'm a Babylon 5 man anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you know that Mr. Worf had a Superhero Identity? "I'm Bat'lethman!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you know that Mr. Worf had a Superhero Identity? "I'm Bat'lethman!" ...Is there a bat in your belfry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes ...Is there a bat in your belfry? No, silly, it's a bat'leth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes No' date=' silly, it's a bat'leth! [/quote'] ...I doubt that. You obviously have a lot of bats, not less bats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Re: Jokes ...Is there a bat in your belfry? Of course not! We only put grade-A bells in our fryers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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