Jokes

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Blockbuster's doing so badly these days that their CEO had to cancel his Netflix subscription.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Of course not! We only put grade-A bells in our fryers.

So that's the way you want to play it, eh?

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Blockbuster's doing so badly these days that their CEO had to cancel his Netflix subscription.

 

Netflix doing so badly these days that their CEO had to cancel his Hulu account.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

I don't get all these CEO jokes. Don't CEOs get bonuses when their companies go down the toilet?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Technically, yes. But it's not a standard bonus because that would imply they have retained their job. They get gold parachutes.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

So that's the way you want to play it' date=' eh?[/quote']

 

Don't mess with me, or I'll shoot you with my 9mm Glockenspiel!

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Don't mess with me' date=' or I'll shoot you with my 9mm Glockenspiel![/quote']

Oh, quite it with the bad guns.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q - Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 35?

 

 

A - Because 36 is just too many.

 

 

Happy Sunday, everyone!

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

if Snoop Doggy Dog married Winnie the Pooh

you would get Snoop Doggy Dog Pooh

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Oh' date=' quite it with the bad guns.[/quote']

 

A true artist never blames his tools.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

A true artist never blames his tools.

So? I'm blaming yours. *Ka-click*

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

So? I'm blaming yours. *Ka-click*

 

Whoa, now! Hold your horses, or at least your Colt 45's.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Whoa' date=' now! Hold your horses, or at least your Colt 45's.[/quote']

Hey, now! You drew first; I just ponied up.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Hey' date=' now! You drew first; I just ponied up.[/quote']

 

Well, you could have bridled your enthusiasm a bit.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

We have a thread for puns.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

We have a thread for puns.

 

Please excuse him. He's highly strung.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Can we just sew this up and get back to the jokes?

 

Okay, a man is on his deathbed and tells his wife, "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. So, before I die, I want you to withdraw all the money in our checking account and put the cash in a suitcase in the attic. Then, when I die, I'll just grab it on my way up."

 

After the man dies, his wife goes up to the attic and sees the suitcase still sitting there. She shakes her head and says, "I knew I should have put it in the basement instead..."

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

News Item:

The latest financial report from Tiffany's shows a 400% increase in revenues over last year. Tiffany spokesmen speculate that this means that either the economy is improving or more men are getting caught cheating.

[Matt the Bruins]

Re: Jokes

 

Or just a few richer men. Nothing says "I'm sorry I had an auto accident and mistresses spilled out as if it were a clown car" like diamonds.

[RexMundi]

Re: Jokes

 

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!

 

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi

 

How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there.

 

What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? 'Man, this music sucks!'

 

~Rex

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed. Her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

 

Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[RexMundi]

Re: Jokes

 

I see those Blonde Jokes, and raise you a few........

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

 

 

~Rex.....is blonde.....works in an office of blondes......

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

I see those Blonde Jokes, and raise you a few........

I see yours and raise you FUNNY blonde jokes!!!

 

A computer told a blonde "you have mail", so she got in the car and drove to the post office.

 

 

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

 

 

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read! " "It has NO plot and far too many characters! "The librarian looks up and calmly remarks -"So, you're the one who took our phone book... "

 

 

A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter? " The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. " "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest. " The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. " The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help? " "No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too! "

 

 

A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked "what was wrong? " She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. "Oh! " the man said, are you taking anything for it?

"Yes ", she said - "black pepper! "

 

 

 

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders " and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders? "

 

 

I think I posted this one a few days ago, worth reposting it:

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

 

 

and to finish off with a non-blonde joke:

you know how there are many blonde jokes, dirty jokes, lawyer jokes, and Irish jokes, so why aren't there many bald jokes? Because baldness is no laughing matter.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

*Starts singing "What do you give a bald guy for Christmas?"*