Jokes

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Not so much an oldie, but still a goodie:

 

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

 

There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

 

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

 

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

 

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

 

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

 

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

 

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

 

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 

"Well," said the human resources person, "what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

 

"Wow! Are you kidding?" exclaimed the graduate.

 

"Yes. But you started it."

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

Once upon a time, women were born with three breasts. But God realized the logistics of two hands and three breasts. And women were coming to him complaining of the back pain from being so lopsided. So God pondered, "Well, what will I do with the useless boob?"

 

 

And so God made Man.

 

 

^ v ^

 

For some equal-opportunity bashing:

 

Why do they call it PMS?

 

 

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

 

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

In a recent news broadcast,

it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella,

was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband

as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal this sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

 

 

 

She allegedly missed the target

and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh

causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,

and Louella has been charged with.................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down.................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Misdewiener!

 

 

You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

A man was bathing in the African jungle, when he heard a rustling of the underbrush, and scrambled to get out. A moment later, he was face-to-face with the biggest elephant he'd ever seen.

 

The elephant looked the man up and down while he stood there, dumbstruck and shivering. Then the elephant looked him in the eyes and said, "It's cute, but how do you breathe through that thing?"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A man in Jersey calls his son in Chicago two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Jees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Detriot and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Jersey immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me"

 

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

 

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

 

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

 

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Zen Sarcasm

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of

me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty

much leave me alone.

 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and

leaky tire.

 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be

promoted.

 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of

car payments.

 

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their

shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you

have their shoes.

 

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to

fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.

 

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and

put it back in your pocket.

 

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark

side, and it holds the universe together.

 

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one

works.

 

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are

moving.

 

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need

it.

 

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a

laxative on the same night.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

10a: Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[NestorDRod]

Re: Jokes

 

23. Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on which end of the gun is pointing at you.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Gift wrapping for males

 

 

I received this from a lady at church. Hopefully, this will clear up a lot of misconceptions regarding men and wrapping paper....probably not. - John

 

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,

according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

 

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

 

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the

paper than the frankincense."

 

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

 

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

 

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a

scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be

there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

 

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball

court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

 

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

 

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

 

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

 

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

 

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must

be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

 

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

 

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

 

Author Unknown (but definitely male)

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

That sounds like something Dave Barry would write.

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

Back in the days when it was deemed proper to do so, an English hunter went out by himself into the jungles of deepest Africa to hunt elephants. For days he trudged through the difficult terrain but saw no game worthy of his massive elephant gun.

 

On the seventh day he was about to pack it all in and go home when he heard the sound of jubilant rejoicing coming from a nearby clearing. He hacked his way through the lianas to be confronted by the corpse of the biggest elephant he had ever seen, a massive beast of almost legendary heft which would have been an ideal target if it had not already been killed.

 

And standing atop it was a young boy of about ten years old, leaping up and down and happily singing "I killed the elephant, I killed the elephant."

 

The hunter, awestruck and a little jealous, said "How did you kill the elephant?"

 

"With my club" replied the youngster.

 

"Good grief!" said the hunter, "It must be a big club."

 

"It is," replied the boy, "there are 1500 of us."

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

That sounds like something Dave Barry would write.

 

 

That’s what I thought.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re both wrong, though.

 

The hunter, awestruck and a little jealous, said "How did you kill the elephant?"

 

"With my club" replied the youngster.

 

"Good grief!" said the hunter, "It must be a big club."

 

"It is," replied the boy, "there are 1500 of us."

 

Shouldn’t that be “It WAS” and “there WERE 1500 of us?”

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary notices that the boy seems to be alone

[Corven_Ren]

Re: Jokes

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I Really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you Today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house!"

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

That’s what I thought.

 

Shouldn’t that be “It WAS” and “there WERE 1500 of us?”

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary notices that the boy seems to be alone

 

An interesting point and I can see how the story could be told either way. The boy of course knows that, while he is currently alone, his club still exists and therefore he refers to them in the present tense. I think I will happily stand by the grammar in my version given the context, but fully accept that the alternate version would also be correct, especially if the boy wished to emphasise that the club granted him assistance in an event the consummation of which was located in the past.

 

Gosh, this has been the most fun I've had discussing grammar in some time.

[austenandrews]

Re: Jokes

 

An interesting point and I can see how the story could be told either way. The boy of course knows that, while he is currently alone, his club still exists and therefore he refers to them in the present tense. I think I will happily stand by the grammar in my version given the context, but fully accept that the alternate version would also be correct, especially if the boy wished to emphasise that the club granted him assistance in an event the consummation of which was located in the past.

 

Gosh, this has been the most fun I've had discussing grammar in some time.

A-huh-huh huh-huh-huh huh-huh-huh-huh

 

He said "consummation."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students

celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what

do you do at Christmas time?", she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms.

Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing

hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and

hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father

Christmas to come with all our toys".

 

"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

 

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we

sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney

and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring

our presents."

 

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out

of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

 

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the

office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a

Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas .."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

(I apologize in advance for anyone I offend with this joke)

 

A priest is told that the church is going to have a very special guest, so he asks one of his parishoners, who is a fisherman, if he can go out on the boat with him to catch a fish for dinner. The fisherman agrees, and they go down to the docks and cast off.

 

Once they reach a good spot for fishing, the priest casts his line. And as soon as the hook hits the water, he catches a gigantic swordfish - bigger than the fisherman had ever caught before. Amazed, the fisherman says, "Will you look at the size of that son-of-a-b****!"

 

The priest says sternly, "I am shocked that you would use such language!"

 

Thinking quickly, the fisherman says, "Oh, no, Father, that's the name of that type of fish! It's called a Son-of-a-B****."

 

Not knowing better, the priest accepts this explanation and apologizes for maligning the fisherman's character.

 

They head back to dock, and the priest proudly carries his catch to the church. Heading inside, he sees the Mother Superior.

 

"Will you look at this fine Son-of-a-B**** I caught!" he says, holding out the fish.

 

The nun gasps in shock. "Such foul language, coming from a man of the cloth! Disgraceful!"

 

"No, that's the name of this type of fish! It's called a Son-of-a-B****!"

 

"Oh, forgive me, Father," she says. "I shall take it to the kitchen and clean it."

 

A few minutes later, the bishop walks in as the Mother Superior is cleaning the fish. She gestures at the fish and says, "Bishop, isn't this a wonderful Son-of-a-B**** the good Father caught for dinner?"

 

The bishop's jaw drops. "I cannot believe such a horrible word has come from the mouth of a delicate creature such as yourself, Mother Superior!"

 

"Oh, no, Bishop!" she says. "That's what this type of fish is called, a Son-of-a-B****!"

 

"Ah, will wonders never cease," he says. "I *am* a rather good cook, so I'll prepare it for our guest."

 

So he cooks it up, and they all gather for dinner with their special guest, the Pope. As the bishop sets the fish on the table, the Pope says, "My! What a fine fish!"

 

The priest says, "I caught that Son-of-a-B****!"

The nun says, "I cleaned that Son-of-a-B****!"

The bishop says, "And I cooked that Son-of-a-B****!"

 

The Pope is stunned. He stares at them...

... takes off his hat ...

... leans back in his seat ...

... grins and says, "You mother-f***ers are all right!"

[Corven_Ren]

Re: Jokes

 

A gorilla is walking through the jungle when he sees a lion drinking from a water hole with his rear in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself 'I'm going to go hit that' and then he runs over nails the lion and takes off running. The lion roars and gives chase. They gorilla comes into a hunter's clearing and ducks into the tent. He then puts on a pith helmet, a big game hunters uniform, sits down and promptly begins to read a copy of the Johanasburg times. A few minutes later the lion tears into the clearing and not seeing the gorilla ducks his head into the tent and says "Did you see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla replies "You mean the one who f***ed the lion in the @$$."

The lion responds "Oh man, is it the newspaper already?"

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

An interesting point and I can see how the story could be told either way. The boy of course knows that, while he is currently alone, his club still exists and therefore he refers to them in the present tense. I think I will happily stand by the grammar in my version given the context, but fully accept that the alternate version would also be correct, especially if the boy wished to emphasise that the club granted him assistance in an event the consummation of which was located in the past.

 

Gosh, this has been the most fun I've had discussing grammar in some time.

 

Actually, I was trying to imply that the boy was alone because the other 1499 members of his club were killed by the elephant.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary suggests that perhaps there are 1500 members of the club - but that it may have numbered 3000 before assaulting the elephant.

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

Actually, I was trying to imply that the boy was alone because the other 1499 members of his club were killed by the elephant.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary suggests that perhaps there are 1500 members of the club - but that it may have numbered 3000 before assaulting the elephant.

 

Your lethal-elephant backstory would work wonderfully and would indeed necessitate the use of the past tense in the version of the boy's comments you posited.

 

In this case a lot hangs upon the fate of the other members of the boy's social group.

 

If they were indeed all killed during the elephant hunt then he would indeed have responded to the protagonist's comments in the past tense. Since there is no direct reference to the fate of the other club members in the text we cannot know for certain if this is the case. Applying exegesis however I would suggest that the rest of the club survived given the triumphant and celebratory demeanour of the boy being questioned. While it is possible that he would have exhibited such joyous abandon out of sheer relief at his own survival I actually believe that the loss of over 1000 of his comrades would have caused him to shed a manly tear and perhaps be a bit more Frank-Miller-Batman in mood.

 

Still we shall never know for certain.

 

Good stuff this, we could perhaps get together and write a series of "What If..." alternate backstories. I claim the post modern retcon version from the elephant's viewpoint.

 

("I've been so lonely, they called me Twisted Trunk. Watching the other 'phants playing but never... never really being a part of things. All I wanted was some friends. Yeah, I got them alright. 1500 of them. It started so well...")

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A minister is dying, and he calls his lawyer and his IRS agent to come to his bedside.

 

The two men arrive, and the minister asks them to stand to either side of him. They do, and wait for the minister to say something, but all he does is lie there, smiling.

 

Finally, after five minutes pass, the lawyer asks, "Why did you call us here?"

 

The minister responds, "Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and I just wanted to follow his example."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Dear Dr.Phil,

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

 

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

 

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

 

 

 

 

Dear Fisherman,

 

 

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

That's a nice pair of bass!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Wife to husband: "What do you like most about me: my pretty face or my sexy body?" Husband to wife: "Your sense of humor!"

 

Husband to wife, "Would you stop loving me if you won the lottery?" Wife to husband, "No, but I'd miss you!"