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Quote of the Week From My Life.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Coffeehouse singer: If anyone wants to accompany, this is in the key of C.

 

David the Vulgar: I can't carry a tune, but I can drag one for several miles.

 

Lucius: Even if you handed me the key of C, I wouldn't know where to look for the lock.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary worries that the key of sea may unlock the crab cannons....

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

My apologies to all of those whom I tried to rep in this thread, but I must spread it around first. This thread rocks!

 

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A couple of years ago, I was at work. We had a power outage. The manager called the electric company and was told that 'service would be restored within the next 6 hours'. The manager told a bunch of us to go home and we'll try to make our hours up some other day. I decided to go to the grocery store that's about 3 miles away. I call over there first to make sure that they have power.

 

This is the phone exchange:

 

Clerk: 'Thank you for calling [store name]. May I help you?'

 

Me: 'Yes. We're over here on [street] and we have a power outage. Is your power on?'

 

Clerk: 'I don't know, sir. Let me connect you with someone who can answer that question for you.'

 

:stupid:

 

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I kid you not. That is verbatim what was said. :doi:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

I go into the room of my landlord and landlady. He is doing work on network cables, while she is watching some show about drag queens.

 

Lady: (seeing some buy wearing a purple, fuzzy, feathery dress) Dear, God! She's wearing a Muppet!

 

Lord: It's Draggle Rock!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

From an online 'discussion' with a wing-nut earlier this week:

 

"Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness... it's right there in the damn constitution."

 

This reminded me of watching "Assume the Position". (Check it out on YouTube if you've never seen it.) Mr. Wuhl points out that the very first sentence of the Constitution begins:

"We The People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union..."

 

Mr. Wahl: "A what? A what?! A WHAT?! There's no such thing as more perfect! You're either perfect, or you're not! So right off the bat, our country is based on a grammitcal f***-up!"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Vendor: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to pass on this business opportunity.

Me: All right. May I ask why?

Vendor: It's because of what you do.

Me:

Vendor: I mean, it's because of what you guys do... over there.

Me: Because... of what we do... Oh! Because we're an adult media corporation?

Vendor: Yeah, that's it.

Me: Well, why didn't you say so?

Vendor: I didn't want to...

Me: Don't worry. Lots of folks have a hard time handling the adult stuff, and that's fine. It's better that you told me now than after we had established a business relationship, so I appreciate your honesty.

 

:rofl:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Female colleague of mine is wearing a nice slinky dress and a demi-jacket. This is not her usual work attire. She stops at my office and says, "Can you tell I need to do the laundry?"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

From my new job briefing

 

"How much co-operation you get depends on how cooperative people are."

 

Seems I work for the Goverment Department of Redundant Government Redundancy Department.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Tonight's class topic is Risk Assessment, the teacher says "there's no such thing as safety, it is an illusion."

 

Wife: That's his favorite expression! *points to me*

Teacher: Ah, what do you do?

Me: I'm in Security.

Several people in class: *shock and horror*

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Vendor: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to pass on this business opportunity.

Me: All right. May I ask why?

Vendor: It's because of what you do.

Me:

Vendor: I mean, it's because of what you guys do... over there.

Me: Because... of what we do... Oh! Because we're an adult media corporation?

Vendor: Yeah, that's it.

Me: Well, why didn't you say so?

Vendor: I didn't want to...

Me: Don't worry. Lots of folks have a hard time handling the adult stuff, and that's fine. It's better that you told me now than after we had established a business relationship, so I appreciate your honesty.

 

:rofl:

 

I still think it's actually because of that whole "beheading" thing you like doing, but he went with the "adult media" route because he saw your hand resting on your sword hilt.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

At work today, I sent this e-mail to our Security Chief:

 

Chief - As we were copying files over from $Idiot's old laptop to his new one, a file called "VundoFix.exe" was flagged as a backdoor trojan. Upon further investigation, he has an entire folder on his desktop filled with anti-malware utilities. All of this tells me that he knew he had malware issues and was trying to fix them on his own. Furthermore, a brief look at his recent case history shows that he never once reported malware problems to $HelpDesk. He called us any number of times to complain about his computer running slowly, but never anything about malware.

 

How would you like us to handle this?

 

Here is his totally awesome reply:

 

Legal and HR would likely prefer I not tell you how I would LIKE to handle the situation. I'll send $Idiot a message and copy [his supervisor].

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Lately, I've started calling those boxes of chicken and beef broth "Chicken Juice" and "Beef Juice" respectively.

 

We're in the kitchen,

We're in the kitchen!

We've got a lot of what it takes to make a...

sandwich!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Co-Worker: Why do they keep making us do this over and over?

Me: Who cares.

CW: Why are you so calm about this?

Me: I'm paid by the hour. If they want me to spend the whole day sitting in a air-conditioned office drinking coke and twiddling my thumbs for $16.50 an hour, I'm fine with it.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"Wednesday we'll be discussing Sexual Harassment in the workplace and I'll be getting stared at more than...well boobs."

 

One time in the Air Force, I was in one of those orientation briefings where sexual harassment (among other issues) was the topic. We paired off to discuss certain hypothetical situations, and the young airman I was talking to didn't see what was wrong in a scenario.

 

Myself: Would you say something like that to a woman if she was your commanding officer?

Young Airman: No, that wouldn't be respectful.

Myself: If it's not respectful to say to your commanding officer, what makes you think it's a respectful thing to say to someone the same rank as you or that you outrank?

 

I saw his eyes light up as he finally "got it."

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary suspects that light in the eye is what motivates good teachers.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Had a wonderful time last night with Dr. A and the Widow S.

 

Widow S (unzipping her jacket): Would you get me the mustard from the refrigerator?

Lucius: Yes, and you didn't have to show me your cleavage to get me to do it, but thank you.

Dr. A (Laughs): I wasn't going to say it.

Widow S (surprised): I was just warm!

 

Which I'm sure is the case, she knows she doesn't have to display cleavage to get me to do things. Asking nicely usually works.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

And a very nice palindromedary

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