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Quote of the Week From My Life.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

On Wednesday, I went to the doctor. I had my height and weight checked out. I've always stood 5'5" tall, but today, only measured 5'4" (the device did malfunction). I only had one response:

 

"I shrank!"

 

Well actually, to be nitpicky, most human beings have a variable height.

 

When you sleep, your spinal column relaxes and the vertebrae gradually separate out. All of which means that you might be 1"+ taller waking up than when you went to sleep (the differance gradually disappears during the day).

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Long, long ago, when my eldest daughter was about 3, my wife picked her up from day care and was told that our sweet little girl had told the day care provider's son to "Shut the f*** up." We were very upset and wondered where she picked that up.

 

Then a few days later, our over-protective dog Downie was once again barking her fool head off at someone walking by across the street. After repeatedly telling her to quiet down, I finally lost my temper and shouted, "DOWNIE! SHUT THE FU... oooooh, noooooo!"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"If it could bite you' date=' it would [b']KILL[/b] you!"

 

Said about a daddy long legs, but wound up being used as a line for all sorts of things during my photography retreat.

 

My mother used to say, whenever we failed to find something that turned out to be in plain sight, "if it were an alligator, it would have bit you."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Long, long ago, when my eldest daughter was about 3, my wife picked her up from day care and was told that our sweet little girl had told the day care provider's son to "Shut the f*** up." We were very upset and wondered where she picked that up.

 

Then a few days later, our over-protective dog Downie was once again barking her fool head off at someone walking by across the street. After repeatedly telling her to quiet down, I finally lost my temper and shouted, "DOWNIE! SHUT THE FU... oooooh, noooooo!"

:D

My daughter is 3 right now, and there are a few instances of this. My wife talks to the traffic around her while driving, including calling other drivers names. One of the times they were stuck in traffic, my daughter pointed at a car and said, "Move it, dumba$$'.

 

Another time, my daughter was naming her stuffed animals for Grandma (only a handful have fixed names, the others get renamed every few days). "This is Moe, this is Mikey, this is Little Baby, this is Momma Bunny, and this is punka$$."

 

A moment of pride was when she was spelling her name in magnetic letters on the fridge. She got to the "A", but couldn't find any "A"s. So she took the "V", flipped it upside down, and put it where the "A" should be, and finished her name. :celebrate

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

My mother used to say' date=' whenever we failed to find something that turned out to be in plain sight, "if it were an alligator, it would have bit you."[/quote']

 

"If it were an alligator, I would have seen it."

 

Doc

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

"If it could bite you' date=' it would [b']KILL[/b] you!"

 

Said about a daddy long legs

 

Myth. Sorry. Pholcids are entirely capable of biting you, but their venom is next to harmless, and being so delicately built they'd rather flee anyway.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Tonight at dinner...

 

My youngest daughter: Daddy is...

Me: Remember, Daddy controls the purse strings, so choose your next words with care.

Daughter: Daddy is... daddy.

Me (trying to be helpful): Daddy if full of McAwesomesauce?

Daughter (sarcastic): Yeah, you're full of it, all right.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Overheard
: "Ew, gross, you're picking up a dirty eyeball"

 

Context being the Zombie Lurch before the horror film festival that started here last night :D

 

More from same

 

Me
: "Hmm - corporate zombie"

Friend
: "Looks like Kevin Rudd (our Prime Minister)"

Me
: "So he does"

 

And indeed he did - Zombie Rudd even gave the opening speech, complete with reference to working zombie families, the Mandarin for "Braaaaaiiiins" (Rudd famously speaks the language fluently) and many bad zombie puns about members of parliament

 

Lurch about to start -

 

Me
: "Z minus five minutes"

 

Me
: Must keep those zombies segregated... apart-died?

And a very cute young woman gets overly excited when they hand out prizes before the flicks

 

"H.P. Lovecraft! I need this s***!!!"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Wife: When I get nightmares at three AM, based solely on that completely irrational act, I'm going to punch you.

 

Me: :nonp:

 

My wife was mad at me for a week about something I did in a dream. This was while we were still doing a long distance relationship, so I had an alibi. :confused:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

A few months ago, I was telling a student about the new water filtration system in the ISS. The system can turn urine and sweat into potable water. My student's response?

 

"From now on, I'm gonna look up at the stars and think of pee!"

 

Not the reaction I was expecting (or hoping for)...

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Last night, a coworker who recently turned 21 said that 19 was a great age to be. I said I didn't want to be 19 again, but I wouldn't mind being 30.

 

You know you're getting old when you start making comments like that.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Trainee (looking at a list of titles): You have Japanese porn?

Me: Yeah. Japanese porn is really... odd. If you're ever curious about it, I can show you how to look some up.

Trainee: Yes! Yes, I am curious! Show me!

 

 

Doesn't hurt that the trainee is a cute little blonde thing... :cool:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Trainee (looking at a list of titles): You have Japanese porn?

Me: Yeah. Japanese porn is really... odd. If you're ever curious about it, I can show you how to look some up.

Trainee: Yes! Yes, I am curious! Show me!

 

 

Doesn't hurt that the trainee is a cute little blonde thing... :cool:

 

"Dude! Porno movies start this way!"

 

"Yeah. So do horror flicks."

 

:D

 

Now you're going to make me tell my Ren Fair story.

 

Now, one of the things you find out working the Ren Fair circuit is that most people's perception of Old English comes from watching Monty Python, Benny Hill and Masterpiece Theater. Because of this, things tend to get a bit bawdy when in character.

 

A SYT (Sweet Young Thing) I was working with told me how Ren Fair was taking over her life. Earlier that week, at her office, a UPS delivery guy had dropped off a package. As the guy was getting ready to leave, he'd asked her, "Hey, have you got the time?"

 

Reflexively, she saucily responded with a Cockney accent, "Sure, luv, 'ave you got the place?" then turned beet red as she realized what she'd just said.

 

Sure made the delivery guy's day, I bet. :winkgrin:

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