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Quote of the Week From My Life.


Lucius

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

I'm an associate (and bivocational) pastor at a small church. When my oldest son (he's 3 1/2 now) was younger, he did not like very many people. But this lady at church, he just took to right away. I was talking to the head pastor's wife about it one day. "Yeah, Ben just loves your sister-in-law. I have no idea why."

 

:Snort. Snort. Humph!

 

"Let me rephrase, please."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Thanks for the information I'll adjust my worldview accordingly :)

 

I should reputize Enforcer for this.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Thanks for the information, I'll feed it to a palindromedary

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

... Can't possibly be good for the teeth. Specially not at this time of the year.

 

I agree... chewing through the skull to get to the candy inside is rougher on teeth than eating the candy and not brushing... ;-)

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

One of my co-workers is gay. I walk into the kitchen.

 

Me: I smell hot dogs. Are you having a hot dog, or is that just too stereotypical?

Him: Worse. I'm having a nice, thick, juicy sausage.

Me: (looking at his plate) And a pickle?

Him: Yes, and a banana for dessert. God, I'm bad aren't I?

 

:rofl:

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

We're having a lot of trouble around here with floodwaters not receding quickly enough, due to beaver dams. My cousin told me up in Canada they're preventing the beavers from building unwanted dams using something cleverly called a "Beaver Deceiver."

 

My reply: "For some reason, that sounds to me like a contraceptive device."

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

We're having a lot of trouble around here with floodwaters not receding quickly enough, due to beaver dams. My cousin told me up in Canada they're preventing the beavers from building unwanted dams using something cleverly called a "Beaver Deceiver."

 

My reply: "For some reason, that sounds to me like a contraceptive device."

As long as it doesn't cause any fevers.

 

...Ow.

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

Not actually a quote because it would have been the wrong time to utter it. A coworker was working with a student who was inattentive. He was trying to show the kid something, but the kid was looking elsewhere, maybe at the floor. I heard my coworker say "Eyes up here now."

 

The first thing that came to my mind was, "I never thought I'd hear a man say that!"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

As long as it doesn't cause any fevers.

 

...Ow.

 

If it does, we'll take care of them with the beaver deceiver fever releiver.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

It was the palindromedary's idea! It's a beaver deceiver fever releiver conceiver!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

At work today, a co worker had asked me to print up a shipping label. One of the things you need to include is the weight. Ergo...

 

Me: (To co-worker #1) How heavy is your package?

Coworker #2: Isn't that a rather personal question?

Me: **headdesk** Walked right into that one...

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

A coworker / friend was helping another coworker with her email program, and created a folder for storing questionable files. As he was leaving, he said, "... and if you can't find something you're looking for, look in my big junk folder."

 

I said, "I can't beleive you're bragging to her about your big junk. Have you no shame?"

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

At Starbucks with a friend, getting some coffee.

 

Cashier: That'll be $11.95.

Alyson: (Picking up a small square of chocolate) Ooh, is that dark chocolate? I'll take this, too.

Cashier: That'll be $14.65.

Alyson: Wait... Is this a two dollar bar of chocolate?

Cashier: It's $2.50, plus tax.

Alyson: For this tiny piece of chocolate?

Cashier: It's pretty good. It's Rocky Mountain Chocolate.

Me: "Pretty good"? For that kind of money for this tiny piece, it had better be pretty damn good. It had better be the best piece of chocolate she's ever had. She should have an orgasm when she eats that chocolate!

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Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.

 

It was a great weekend for quotes...

Me: When she gets old enough, I plan on taking my daughter to The Happiest Place On Earth!

Her: Disneyland?

Me: Tijuana!

Her: :nonp:

Me: C'mon, kids love stuff like that! They like animals, and Tijuana has Donkey Shows! They love Jello -- Jello shots!

Her: You're going to be a great father, you know that?

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Darwin Award waiting to happen

 

The light rail runs down main street on both sides of the median. The rail stations are located on the median between the rails. As I was waiting at the station for the southbound train a man walked up to the station from the wrong side. There's a barricade preventing people from entering the platform there (they want people to use the crosswalks, where it's safer) so he was standing on the northbound railroad tracks as we had this conversation.

 

Panhandler: Can you help me out with a cigarette? I think I can get around the system by asking from here. Ya see, they gave me a ticket for $175 on the way down here and...

 

Apparently the police give tickets for panhandling at the rail station.

 

Me: I think ... (I leaned over the barrier to look down the rail) There's a train coming!

 

Bum: Could you help...

 

Me: It's right there! Do you want to get run over? Get the hell off the track!

 

The bum dashed back to the sidewalk and seconds later the train rolled past. As soon as it was gone, he walked back onto the rail and up to the barricade.

 

Bum: Could you help me out with a cigarette?

 

Me: I just saved your life. I kept you from getting run over by a train. I think I've helped you enough.

 

Bum: But is that real help?

 

Me: I think if you asked most people which is more help, a cigarette or keeping them from getting run over by a train, they'd go with the "not getting run over by a train" option as being more helpful.

 

Bum: Do you think it's illegal for me to be asking for a cigarette from here? I'm trying not to get a ticket. I'm trying to buck the system.

 

Me: I think you can get a ticket for hanging out on the railroad tracks. And you can get run over by a train.

 

Bum: I think ... maybe I need to stop thinking.

 

Me: Maybe you need to start thinking.

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