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Nobody ever going going to say “Oh no! We need to lift something big! What will we ever do when we only have Superman, J’onn, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern! Face it, we’re screwed without Aquaman!”

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Tonight on HEROline



SS: "Hi, I'm Stacy Spacey, and I'm here with a most… unusual super hero team. Please, introduce yourselves "


DD: The Camera pans in on an older man in a lab coat with wild hair, he looks like what Einstein might if he licked a fusebox while wearing goggles. "I, was once Hans Samuel Goldovich, but after VIPER kept trying to steal the fruits of my genius, I grew enraged, and became… DOCTOR DOWNFALL! MWHAHAHAHAHA!"


SS: "How… nice. My goodness, VIPER? I'm surprised they didn't just try to recruit you."


DD: "No dental, the cheap bas… I mean, of course, I would never allow my inventions to be perverted…" a mumble "By others."


SS: "The next member is none other than that whacky clown of vigalantism and destruction, Whiteface." Zoom in on a sleeping clown wearing a blood red outfit with tarnished gold buttons, and of course, ghostly pale make up who appears to be snoring, "Uhm, Whiteface?"


WF: The clown wakes up abruptly, screams "MIMES!" and pushes his nose. There's a HONK sound… and three windows and the camera lens crack.


Cut to commercial because of Technical difficulties.


SS: "And we're back."


WF: "HEY Kiddos, sorry about that, and sorry about your sound man. I hear they can repair the inner ear a lot better than they used to…"


SS: "Ah, yes. Now Whiteface, I understand you were tired of villains like the Black Harlequin altering public perception of Clowns so that people equated them with madness, mayhem, chaos and villainy."


WF: Currently playing with a razorwire slinky, "Right, the villainy thing is SO not us."


SS: Nervous smile, "How comforting, next we have…" A flash of black oily tentacles from the side, "Eeek! I mean.. err.. hello there…"


A: Closed captioning is provided for the mentally impaired among the audience as the telepathic voice replies Hey there sexy thing, I'm Abolex the many tentacled thing from beyond, but call me Abe, all the really fine ladies get to. While it hard to discern a center to the bundle of tentacles, one can see a brief flash of mirror shades.


SS: "I'm sorry, you startled me, you must admit, your looks are.. different."


A: Ain't no thang one of the tentacles sways in an easy going pattern, Ole Abolex wins in the end.


SS: "Yes, you're not just telepathic, but superstrong, and your limbs can extend around obstacles to take your enemy by surprise, is that right? Just how far CAN your limbs extend?"


A: A tentacle tip circles around Stacy's wrist and taps it once, Long enough to make –you- my very best friend.


SS: "Oh my…" Dropped notes and a blush, "Oh… next up."


CP: A purple man with an eyepatch and an odd fin like Mohawk, and one missing hand replaced by some high tech cap gives a harty "Garrr… avast there, I be Captain Blud, Space Pirate!"


SS: "Interesting, a Pirate, those are so unusual, on the side of good I mean. What drew you to it?"


CP: "Garr… People think pirating be all about greed and buried treasure, but it is more than that… there's nothing like the kiss of the solar wind, the feel of a cosmic tides at the hull… the clash of laser cutlass against a foe to prove who's the better man…"


SS: "But there are rumors that the enemies you fight are found stripped of all creditcards, cash, and costume jewelry, how do you explain…"


CP: "Err… it be a cultural thing from my species."


SS: "Oh. That makes it okay then. Moving on to our last guest tonight…"


IT: The being in powered armor and a flowing cape emotes, "Insolent woman, it is beyond insult that the Iron Tyrant should be placed behind these mere cretins!"


Panview: The others roll their eyes (the ones that have eyes anyway)


SS: "Very sorry, Iron Tyrant, no insult was intended."


IT: "Foolish Speck, the Iron Tyrant cares not for your apologies. His meat is might, his drink power incarnate! Count yourself fortunate that the Iron Tyrant has come to save all lesser beings in this world from crime…"


SS: "I should explain to the audience that the Iron Tyrant is not only ruler of his own small country that was once part of Eastern Germany, but also suffers from the rare 'Meglosiah' complex which causes mixed feelings of omnipotence and martyrdom, and, of course, a compulsion to speak of oneself in the third person."


IT: "Yes, the Iron Tyrant is pleased by your explanation in terms the simpletons of this pathetic orb can comprehend. You shall be my bride!"


SS: Shocked, "Well, I thank you but…"


IT: "You are Catholic, yes?"


SS: "Oh, no Presbyterian actually…"


IT: "Blast, regrettably the Iron Tyrant withdraws his proposal, protestant wench!"


SS: "Quite alright, ah, it says here you rule a land that was part of ancient Germany?"


IT: "Yes, The Iron Tyrant's father, and his father's father, held fast against the Nazi War Machine, against the Communist Hordes, against the Tartar…"


SS: "But you sound English."


IT: "Surely Stacy Spacey knows that many Germans in films sound English?"


SS: "Well, yes, but they're acto…"


IT: Holding out his hand, palm first, "I have spoken."


SS: "Oooo kay." Clearing her throat, "So why have you all come forward to an interview tonight?"


DD: casually firing a size changer beam out the window, a homeless man has grown at least 40 feet tall, and is offering to wipe the building's window when the Doctor shrinks him back, and turns to answer the question, "To show our good intentions to the world, that we are heroes!"


CP: "Garrr! It be true!"


WF: Juggling dynamite sticks as he joins in, "One set of killer chattering teeth and they assume you're a villain, we're here to prove them wrong. I'm getting tired of the clownophobia out there."


SS: Eying the sticks, "Umm, about that dynamite."


WF: "Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch, they're not lit…speaking of which, anyone got a bic or something?"


SS: Hastily, "So you've been the victims of prejudice because you didn't meet the idea of typical heroes?"


A: A tendril bobs up and down in affirmation, You wouldn't believe how many times I've been attacked baby, not that I blame the ladies, when their husbands come in, well, I understand they've got to cover…


IT: "We are your saviors, your champions, bow down to us and let us save your pathetic weakling hides!"


SS: "Well, there you have it folks, a new superhero team ready and, obviously eager, to help. Say, what was your team's name again?"


DD: "HAHAhAHAHA, The press has dubbed us…"


All together: "…The Inconceivables!"



SS: With a plastic smile, "Isn't that nice?"


SS: Unaware that the telepathic closed captioning is on, caught thinking to Abolex, Call me…


Roll credits.

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S.A.M. (my idea for a Patriot for the Champions)



The Sentient Android Militia or S.A.M. project was a long shot alternitive to the various 'Super Soldier' programs. Indeed, it had many funders from the civilian sector (Among them, Harmon Industries) Other similar attempts in the past had been 'iffy' at best. It was the eccentric (though brilliant) Dr. Herman Waxler who suggested that any A.I. should be given some ethical frame works to help prevent the robotic equivilent of insanity.


The government agreed, and as the body of the android was constructed, the mind was filled with the works of the founding fathers and other philosphers of American political thought. The goal was to make the unit as Patriotic and loyal as possible. What's more, it would appear to be a human in a costume, few realzing that the form fitting 'costume' was actually it's skin.


They then began plans to promote it as the new Captain Patriot, complete with marketting techniques to maximize the new Hero's popularity. 'Captain Patriot II' was then sent on it's first actual cases, and performed with flying colors, and, it seemed, complete dedication.


However, the android had studied not only philosphy, but history, and American Culture. He concluded three things...

1) Eventually the ruse he was would be exposed.

2) When, not if, it was: People who had grown to love him would feel betrayed, not just by himself, but by the United States Government.

3) This might, in the long run, further erode the public faith in not just the national government, but the ideals of the nation which were, the Android thought, more important in the grand scheme.


You can imagine it's surprise when, just as the Marketing blitz was ready to get going, 'Captain Patriot II' stepped before the media, and revealed that he was "Not human, but an android replica meant to honor those brave Americans who had donned costumes in her defense before. Please, call me S.A.M., it stands for Sentient Android Militia, but I would prefer to think of it as being named after my Uncle." The mechanism had been programmed to be skilled at Oratory, and despite being a 'Flag Clad Tin Man' (to Quote one Newspaper) he spoke eloquently and made it seem as if this was the goal of the presentation all along.


AFTER the Press meeting was over, there was a private outrage at this 'glitch'. How could they back out now? What could they do? A dozen plans , including arranging for erasal of the 'faulty programming' were considered. Dr. Waxler insisted no such thing be done. It was a super hero group, the Champions, that came forward with a proposal. How they knew as much as they did, is unknown (Though, naturally, the Harmon backing of the project probably helped Defender learn more than he was truly cleared for). They offered to take the Android under their wing for a time as a 'Probationary member'. The government has reluctantly agreed.




S.A.M. is a patriot, in the best sense of the word. He (It's programming has adapted to relating to the male gender as it's outward appearance suggests such) has deduced that it is certain founding ideals that make the United States special and unique, and that these ideals... no matter how vague or plutonic must be protected with in the frame work of law.


This idealism makes him a most illogical android indeed sometimes. He knows a thousand speeches; millions of pages of the works of Jefferson and the like lurk in his data banks.

S.A.M. often goes over these in his mind seeking to recouncile the apparent controdictions he finds. Defender has told him that he will have to decide a great deal of what's right and wrong for himself, but S.A.M. feels humbled by that task.


S.A.M. is not ignorant, he knows that, legally, the 14th Amendment does not apply to him. Morally, however, he struggles to prove himself worthy as a 'Person'. He longs to be human, and has become a closet 'Data' (From STNG) fan because of this.


Quote: (to a villain) "All men are created equal, the options are endless, but you have taken this gift, this treasure, this thing I may never have, and spat upon it. I did not think I was programmed for pity, but you inspire it."



As an artificicial being, S.A.M. is not subject to diesase, does not need to breathe or eat, and needs only a minimum amount of 'shut down time'. His body is incredibly durable, and stronger than any normal human could be, but not up to most 'Brick levels'. He has been programmed with some combatto type training, but martial artists have described his technique as 'rigid'. S.A.M. is equiped with thrusters in his heels. Weapons wise he has a laser, a flare, and an area concusive force blast (Which, thanks to a whimsical designer, come out Red, White, and Blue respectively). He has radar, IR, and other unique senses built in.

Ironically, S.A.M. is not a tactician, he was originally meant to follow the strategies set by his superiors after all. He will fly into combat seeking first to protect innocents, then public property, and finally himself, in about that order.


Group Relations: S.A.M. gets along with most of the Champions fairly well.

* Defender treats him kindly but also openly admits to seeing him as fascinating from a scientific curiousity point of view.

* Ironclad still isn't sure why Earthlings make such a big deal about a battle prepared android anyways. Because S.A.M is also an 'outsider' for humanity, they often talk of such things. S.A.M. has told Ironclad much of this particular nation, where as he eagerly absorbs information on democratic cultures in the galaxy.

* Nighthawk is annoyed by S.A.M.'s idealism more often than not, and has offered more than once to 'fix that programming of yours'. An offer that has ruffled the normally placid Android a few times; much to Nighthawk's secret and grim amusement.

* Witchcraft, much to her own embarrasment, finds S.A.M. a bit creepy. She knows too many stories of golems eventually going mad not to worry. She is trying to adjust to him, and perhaps overcompensates by being too kind. S.A.M. understands that he makes her nervous, and tries to give her space.

* Sapphire treats S.A.M. as 'just another guy' , flirting lightly as she does with many, and often asking him if he wants to come along to dance, shop, whatever. It is the fact she treats him like she would a fellow human, coupled with her vivacious love of life that has caused S.A.M. to adore her all the more. The android is unaware of the true nature of this, of course, but he is begining to feel romantic leanings towards her. He has no idea what to do about it.

* Kinetik, when visiting has a great deal of fun with S.A.M. as well. Between the robot's data base, and Kinetik's trivia wizardry, they can often be seen prattling back and forth, and even engaging in brainteasers. In American history S.A.M. often wins, but Kinetik is still supreme in the other fields. Kinetik is the only one who suspects S.A.M.'s feelings for Sapphire, and is thinking of playing matchmaker for his two friends.



With a mock flesh square jaw jutting out from his 'costume like' skin/plating, S.A.M. is very flagsuit. His design is based loosely on the old Captain Patriot uniform, but altered to be more 'hip' and better coordinated (Well, as coordinated as flag suits get).

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