death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle ! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY ! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it ?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say ? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh ! Agh ! Agh ! Agh ! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories ? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener ! Burrito Boy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 You have much more hair in your nose than my dad. How nice of you to notice. I'm a kid that's my job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 I want you to kill every gopher on the course ! Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key... Gophers, ya great git ! Not golfers ! The little brown furry rodents ! We can do that... we don't even have to have a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same. Uncle Hulka ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face ? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow ! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late ! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you ! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear ! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle ! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95 ! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head ? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got... The whole world in his nose ! Sympathetic: aw, what happened ? Did your parents lose a bet with God ? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides ? Obscure: whoa ! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid ? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave ! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once ! How many is that ? Fourteen, Chief ! Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He ? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair ? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine ! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original ! Most people just have their teeth capped. All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it ? Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassandra Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 When the Earth settles, God throws a stone, and believe me, he's winding up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 She picked me up last night, and - with my irresistible charm - I want to know why, and who she's working for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 No, you don't understand the kind of love I have for this great country of ours. Love's not built that way, my way, any more. These days love is marriage, and the compensation is alimony; love these days is bravery under fire, and the compensation is medals; love is a donation of party funds, and the compensation is a political plum; love is some lady you left back in St. Louis, or a fast haul in the back seat of an automobile. My love is nothing like that. My love is this great company of brave young men, who are proud to make their country strong ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 You know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I'm like any other bloke - I don't want to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Did you know that Macbeth was a maggoty apple ? Not many people know that ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 He'll have a lettuce and I'll have a Bloody Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 War is a criminal enterprise. I fight it with criminals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Now listen to me you benighted muckers. We're going to teach you soldiering. The world's noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilized men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Oh, my God ! Bees ! Bees ! Millions of Bees ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clonus Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 I feel just like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". Except without the whole hooker thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 How can I lose ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 Today, you sentence me ! Tomorrow, the Bolsheviks sentence you ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 Miss Jean Louise. Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 It is a matter of supernatural indifference to me whether you contaminate the natives or the natives contaminate you. I have but one concern - our mission. Let one of you provoke an incident which endangers it and I shall cause that man to curse his mother for giving him birth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 A man can't turn tail and run just because a little personal risk is involved. What did Shakespeare say ? "Cowards die a thousand deaths, the brave man... only 500" ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 Happy the man, and happy he alone, he who can call today his own. He who, secure within, can say, Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived Today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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