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Hermit

The August 2019 "You're not Doing Star Wars Right" superdraft

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We all know and love Star Wars!*

 

Star Wars: A new Hope is probably one of the most famous game changing movies of all time.

Based on pulp era stuff, Japanese films, and more.. it spawned a huge universe that has swelled (And contracted when IP rights changed) and inspired hundreds of thousands of fans. Some of them bordering on the insane.

 

This  draft, we analyze "SW: A new Hope" and... pretty much get it all wrong. None of this well researched "Leader, Lancer blah blah"  tropes stuff. We're going to half ass this sucker like  no tomorrow, get the wrong tropes and have you guys role with the slapdashery of it all as seriously or carelessly as you wish.

 

The Picks that must be filled

Five Protagonists

One Big Bad

Two Stormtroopers are actually individuals

A space ship for our heroes

The planet that got blewed up

Three options

 

 

First, let's start with the protagonists.  You may FREELY give Force powers and a light saber to any TWO of them! That's right, if you draft Max Goldman from Grumpy Old Men to be your Old Coot, you can give him Force powers and a light saber. ENJOY! No, you can't give the light saber to the non force powered people- stop trying to rig the system!

 

 

 

 

The Farmer -  Call him or her a farmboy or farm girl as you prefer, this choice must have a background in agricultural farm living and food production and I mean at the harvesting that stuff end. The character you choose doesn't have to be good at it. Oliver Wendell Douglas from Green Acres could join the fight if you want! There will be some flexibility here, but you should get an idea. Maybe they loved the farm, maybe they're secretly feeling bad because their first thought on seeing the farm burned down was "I'm FREE! I'm Finally FREE!" .(Okay, just a theory)

 

 

Old Coot- Old Coot must be old. I suppose if we were doing this right, the term would be mentor, but nah, all that is required is that old Coot is old by his or her specie's standards, past middle age! Why has Old Coot joined the Rebellion? That's each players own problem to figure out. Old Coot can be wise, or Old Coot can be a chowder head.  Whatever! Back in my day I didn't have to explain so much just to get a superdraft going...*yells at cloud*

 

Scumball-ish Criminal- Usually called a Rogue with a Heart of Gold because, you know, he (or she, women can be scumballs to) does the MINIMUM amount of decency to get a pass on a life of crime.... or 'lovable rogue because they will shoot you for you wallet but they have SOCIAL skills and good one liners...  the Scumball Criminal is essential because.. well probably because we'd never buy the idea of a group of actually good folk all fighting for our freedom. But yours doesn't have to be charismatic or even that nice. It's up to you. Often these sorts have useful skills like piloting or picking locks or whatever...but the important thing is they're lawbreakers. If VCRs were around- they wouldn't rewind the tapes!

 

The Royal- Often immune to the irony of how they fight for democracy by ordering everyone around as if their station gave them a right to do so, the Royal most often comes in Princess form because 1) It's a title that's often seen as more benign and 2) They'll look better in the gold bikini later on than Henry the 8th as played by Orsen Wells. But you can go with any title you like as long as the character is royal.

 

The Token Alien Sidekick- Cannot be human! Ooo look , it's SPAAACE! you know it's space because see the non human? Yeah... he /she/it is on our side! Not only will this poor creature not get a medal at the end, they're basically a metophorical appendage to one of the human characters showing us once again that Earthicans cannot escape their humancentric viewpoint when they tell stories even of the stars! That's the message right?  Can the other protagonists be non-human?  YESSS I suppose. But if you make all the other roles non human then you have to make THIS character human because I said so!

 

 

Now with those out of the way we move onto the bad guys. Mostly the poor bastards are wave after wave of Storm Troopers who are gonna die and be forgotten.  But! There are exceptions. One of them, of course, is what passes for the big bad who serves the Emporor (No, the Emperor is not the big bad because in this story he is more an excuse for Vader types to force choke someone) . The other two are Storm troopers with some individuality and personality. They'll probably die, but you might make folks CARE. I mean, they might have families. They might be here on a college program! you don't know!

 

The Big Bad- The Big Bad has force powers and a red light saber on top of other stuff. They must wear BLACK... at least a noticeable amount of black.

Stormtrooper One and Two: Yup, pick them at the same time on the same day. Any fictional charcters will do, but they cannot be more powerful than the Big Bad (Of course they won't have force powers so this shouldn't be too hard). They will be issued blasters, that white armor, and the basic skill set for flying and shooting stormtroopers have (Which means if they couldn't shoot before, they can as of the pick- but their am will probably stink because you know... can't just head shot the heroes first thing)

 

It is assumed you have as many 'regular' stormtroopers as you need for your story.

 

And, of course, there are the other picks

 

The Planet we blew up : Pick a planet, blow it up. need not be fictional... yeah..that's right. I'm wondering who is going to make the first Uranus joke. This must be your first pick! I only put it down the list to frustrate and confuse people.

 

The Starship- You know, pick whatever starship/spaceship you want....because I'm sure NONE of you will abuse that. On second thought - Pick any starship you want BUT if it clearly out classes the Falcon, then you have to find a way to hamper it. It can be damaged, missing a part, or maybe none of your rebels have piloting skills (Did you pick someone with piloting skills? Didn't think of that ? Oh this could be a problem)

 

Three other options:  Specific locations besides 'space' , other members of your crew, mercenaries working for the Empire, whatever you like.

 You can also use it to grant force powers or needed skills to picks you've already made. It can bring in new tech, or bypass restrictions on other picks

 

 

Obviously the goal will be to blow up the Death Star...isn't it always?

 

Success? No one promised you success! But may the Force be with you anyway

 

 

IF you are interested,  this begins on  Monday, Aug 5. At noon, Knoxville Tennessee Time)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

* Yeah, I see you about to post about how you don't 'love it' or don't even like it.  Some folks just gotta be special :P

 

 

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17 minutes ago, Bazza said:

I’m interested, not sure I can make it at 2:30 am each day. 

 

Well, you can do it later in your day. I'm sure a lot of folks wont' be making it Noon US EST time

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Hmm.  Have to think about this one.  A number of demented ideas, all of revolving around Big Bad, oddly enough.  Even more twisted than Spaceballs.  Hmm.

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A palindromedary would make a perfectly viable nonhuman sidekick.  Wasn't the racetrack announcer at the pod race a being with two independent speaking heads?

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14 hours ago, Lucius said:

Any chance I could substitute a Hunter-Gatherer for a Farmer?

 

Lucius Alexander

 

And a token palindromedary

 

Was Luke a Hunter Gatherer? No. He was a farmer. Clearly Star Wars was telling us how essential farmers are in space operas and not something about a young man's path on the hero's journey and blah blah academic stuff. Yup. All about farmers.

 

So no hunter gatherers in lieu of farmers. Sorry

 

I will, however, accept gardeners who are after all, just pretentious farmers who can't work a full acre.

 

;)

 

I will also accept Vineyard growers and those who grow their own marijuana.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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30 minutes ago, Lucius said:

 

If I find an elderly agronomist, can they be both the Farmer and the Old Coot?

 

Lucius Alexander

 

If I find another palindromedary I'll make another tagline.

 

Well, technically yes, but why woudl you rob yourself of a pick ? Has your film budget been cut?

 

 

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35 minutes ago, Hermit said:

 

Well, technically yes, but why woudl you rob yourself of a pick ? Has your film budget been cut?

 

 

 

All my budgets are getting cut

 

Lucius Alexander

 

I'm down to one palindromedary per tagline.

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Star Wars?

Episode 4ish

Another SUPERDRAFT rises.

Having deserted any originality, Supreme Leader Hermit now deploys his fellow forumites to piece together some semblance of a take on this classic movie.
Alas, only a few will bother to make a pick of REBEL fighters to stand against the slap dash challenge, certain that they can make a quality stuff out of the misapplied tropes this comish has given them.
But the desperation has been exposed. As the first pick speeds toward the count down, the brave posters must pick which planet, having been naughty in their sight, shall snuff it....

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List of Picks so far (* indicates Force powers)

 

 

Bazza

Providence

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Tatooine 

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Clark Kent

The Old Coot: Jean Luc Picard

The Scumball-ish Criminal:  Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly)

The Royal: Crystal (Crystalia Amaquelin) the Inhuman 
The Token Alien Sidekick: Lockjaw 

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: David Xanatos (Gargoyles)

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day) :Witch-king of Angmar & Khamûl (Nazgul, Lord of the Rings)

(Other stuff)

The Starship: The Tardis 

Option I:  [worldbuilding] Electromagnetic Emotional Spectrum / Lantern Corps with Power Rings.

Option II: Battleworld (marvel) Rebel Base

Option III: The Expanded Star Wars Universe

 

Cancer

PARSECS ARE A UNIT OF DISTANCE, DAMMIT

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Canopus II aka Arrakis aka Dune

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Mary Ann Summers (From Gilligan's Island)

The Old Coot: Elka Ostrovsky ( Hot in Cleveland)*

The Scumball-ish Criminal:  Nikita  ( Peta Wilson version)

The Royal: Freddy Mercury (From the movie version)

The Token Alien Sidekick: Howard the Duck (the original comic version*

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Zorro

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day) Spoor and Dowser (Brazil)

(Other stuff)

The Starship:  flying saucer from Plan 9 from Outer Space

Option I:  Darth Trichinosis.  Empress Porkpietime...Miss Piggy

Option II: Bender

Option III:  Marvin the Paranoid Android

Prize bonus- Duck Butt Yellow Lightsaber for Howard!

 

Csyphrett 

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Coruscant

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Link (from Zelda)

The Old Coot:  Max Tennyson 

The Scumball-ish Criminal:  Lupin the 3rd

The Royal: Wonder Woman

The Token Alien Sidekick: Mr. Spock

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Thanos

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): Iron Major and Hans Von Hammer

(Other stuff)

The Starship:  Skylark

Option I: Space Ghost

Option II: Rocket Raccoon

Option III: Mace Windu *

 

Death Tribble

I'm Making this Up as I Go Along

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Jupiter

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: William Munny (Unforgiven)

The Old Coot: Walt Kowalski (Gran Torino film)

The Scumball-ish Criminal:  Sam Gecko (From Dusk Till Dawn)

The Royal: Snow White *

The Token Alien Sidekick: The Predator (From the film franchise)

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad:  Serleena (MIB 2)

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): Laurel and Hardy

(Other stuff)

The Starship: The Sulaco

Option I:  The International Space Station

Option II: Stormtrooper Wilhelm and his scream

Option III:  A Dalek

 

L. Marcus

Pending!

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Magrathea (From Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Karl-Oskar Nilsson

The Old Coot:  Professor Hubert Farnsworth! *

The Scumball-ish Criminal: Jebediah Kerman!

The Royal: Iselle dy Chalion (Lois Mcmaster Bujold's The Curse Of Chalion)

The Token Alien Sidekick: Gordon "ALF" Shumway!*

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: The Big Lebowski!

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): 'Hans and Other Hans' (from the 'Are we the baddies?' skit)

(Other stuff)

The Starship:  The Bistromath

Option I:  Robocop

Option II: ED-209 prototype!

Option III: Robo cop gets a gold paint job

Prize Bonus- William Shatner's Toupee!

 

Lucius

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Nibiru

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: BlackHawk

The Old Coot: Prospero the wizard from Shakespeare's The Tempest.

The Scumball-ish Criminal:  Captain Nemo!

The Royal:  Amazing Man The Prince of Orphans

The Token Alien Sidekick: Ariel (Prospero's servant)

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Count Dracula

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day)

(Other stuff)

The Starship:  Nautilus (uplifted)

Option I:   Frankenstein's Creature

Option II:

Option III:

 

Old Man

Star Wars Episode LXIV: Rise of the Amazon Pirate Princesses of Venus!

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Ariel (From Firefly)

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Princess Buttercup

The Old Coot: Olenna Tyrell, Queen of Thorns (Game of Thrones) *

The Scumball-ish Criminal: Valeria, Queen of Thieves (Conan the Barbarian)

The Royal: Dejah Thoris (A Princess of Mars)

The Token Alien Sidekick:  Neytiri, Princess of the Omaticaya Clan (Avatar)

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Ardala, Princess of Draconia (Buck Rogers)

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day):Lursa and B'etor, The Duras Sisters!  (STTNG)

(Other stuff)

The Starship: HMS Bounty (Star Trek IV)

Option I: Dolores Abernathy (Westworld

Option II: Venus (Pulp Sci-Fi Version)

Option III: The Genesis Device

Bonus Prize: A gallon of Green Body Paint!

 

Pariah

Grumpy Old Mentors (A Jedi's Tale)

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Anacreon from Asimov's Foundation series.

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Westley (a.k.a. Farm Boy, Princess Bride)*

The Old Coot: Hub McCann (Secondhand Lions)*

The Scumball-ish Criminal: Captain Shakespeare (Stardust)

The Royal: Zeetha, Daughter of Chump

The Token Alien Sidekick: Pilot 

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Citizen Chauvelin (as played by Sir Ian McKellan)

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): Marv Murchins and Harry Lyme.(From Home Alone)

(Other stuff)

The Starship: Moya

Option I: Old Coot #2, Garth McCann*

Option II: : Garth also has a lightsaber and can use the Force.

Option III: Ruby Rhod!

 

Psybolt

Star Wars: A New Hopeless

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Vulcan (from Star Trek)

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Maggie Rhee (The Walking Dead) *

The Old Coot: Old Coot:  Old man Logan* (With Lightsaber claws on one hand, 'regular' adamantium the other)

The Scumball-ish Criminal:   Inigo Montoya (Princess Bride)

The Royal: Prince Akeem Joffer  (Coming to America)

The Token Alien Sidekick: Marvin the Martian

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Hans Gruber (Die Hard) *

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): Amos and Theodore (The Apple Dumpling Gang)

(Other stuff)

The Starship: RLS Legacy (Treasure Planet)

Option I:  Giving piloting skills to Inigo Montoya

Option II: The Emperor-  Q (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Option III: Option:  Ava (Ex Machina)

Prize Bonus: Flame Decals for RLS Legacy  (Decal from the episode "Route of all Evil" Futurama)

 

Sociotard

The Magic Empire

The Planet What Got Blowed up: Treasure Planet

(The 5 Protagonists)

The Farmer: Fa Mulan (Mulan)

The Old Coot: The Old Coot: Merryweather (Sleeping Beauty) *

The Scumball-ish Criminal: Vincenzo "Vinny" Santorini (Atlantis: The Lost Empire)

The Royal: Kuzco (The Emperors New Groove)

The Token Alien Sidekick:  Maid Marian (Robin Hood) *

(The 'bad guys')

The Big Bad: Sith Lord Stitch (Lilo and Stitch) *

Two Stormtroopers with names (Pick together on same day): Horace and Jasper (101 Dalmatians)

(Other stuff)

The Starship:  Casey Junior (Upgraded) (Dumbo)

Option I: Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy: The Rat Trap (The Great Mouse Detective)

Option II: Token Themed Planet: Underwater Planet (The Little Mermaid)

Option III: Token Giant Monster: Monstro (Pinocchio)

 

 

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Planet: Anacreon from Asimov's Foundation series.

 

Honestly, I don't foresee any of the story's action taking place here, but I needed a planet to blow up, and Anacreon was the most deserving target.

 

Bunch of jerks.

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