alexraccoon

Re: Jokes
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
 
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish.
 
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."
 
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific ! The concrete and steel it would take."
 
"I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify me."
 
The man thought about it for a long time.
 
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to
know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."
 
The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge ?"

Re: Jokes
 
Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.
 
 
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
 
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
 
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
 
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
 
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
 
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
 
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
 
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
 
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
 
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
 
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
 
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
 
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
 
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
 
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
 
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
 
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
 
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
 
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
 
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
 
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
 
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
 
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
 
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
 
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
 
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
 
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
 
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
 
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
 
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
 
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
 
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
 
HAPPY: Paid too much.
 
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
 
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
 
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ****.
 
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
 
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
 
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
 
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
 
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
 
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

Re: Jokes
 
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:
 
The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
 
The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
 
The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
 
The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
 
 
Even more scary:
 
A Pfc with a badge.
 
A 2nd lieutenent with a map.

Re: Jokes
 
Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex
 
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Re: Jokes
 
Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women
* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
 
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
 
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
 
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
 
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
 
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
 
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
 
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
 
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.
 
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
 
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
 
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
 
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
 
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
 
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
 
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Re: Jokes
 
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
 
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been
causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of
our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the
trouble
your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
 
Mr. Wally Brown, President and CEO of Wal Mart Complaint Department
 
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while
his spouse is shopping:
 
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's
carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute
intervals.
 
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
Rest
rooms.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
Smarties
on lay away.
 
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
 
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
 
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry
and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
 
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror,
and picked his nose.
 
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
 
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
 
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using
different size funnels.
 
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
 
(And; last, but not least!)
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Re: Jokes
 
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
 
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been
causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of
our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the
trouble
your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
 
Mr. Wally Brown, President and CEO of Wal Mart Complaint Department
 
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while
his spouse is shopping:
 
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's
carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute
intervals.
 
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
Rest
rooms.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
Smarties
on lay away.
 
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
 
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
 
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry
and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
 
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror,
and picked his nose.
 
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
 
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
 
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using
different size funnels.
 
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
 
(And; last, but not least!)
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Re: Jokes
 
Scatter one hundred bricks in a room with an open window, send in your newly hired employees, close the door, then return at the end of the day and analyze the bricks. If they counted the bricks, put them in accounting. If they counted and recounted the bricks, put them in auditing. If they messed up the bricks, put them in engineering. If they arranged the bricks in a unique way, put them in planning. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations. If they are sleeping, put them in reception. If they broke the bricks to tiny pieces, put them in information technology. If they are sitting and talking about the bricks, put them in human resources. If they claim to have tried different combinations, yet not a brick is moved, put them in sales. If they have already gone home, put them in marketing. And finally: if they are just sitting around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, put them in upper management.

Re: Jokes
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE arewe
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said
be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt."
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
 
 
 
 
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Re: Jokes
 
After being interviewed by the school principal, the prospective teacher said, "Let me make sure I've got this right: you want me to take a room full of kids, fill them with a love for learning, instill pride in their ethnicity, maintain a safe environment, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, check their heads for lice, censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons, raise their self esteem, teach them patriotism, citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, how to apply for a job, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure they all pass mandatory state exams (even those who don't attend regularly or finish assignments), give every student an equal education (regardless of mental or physical handicaps), communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, email, and report card, provide many of my own supplies since you have no budget to do so, and all on a salary that qualifies my family for food stamps? You expect me to do all this and then you expect me to not pray?!"

Re: Jokes
 
Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

Re: Jokes
 
Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

Re: Jokes
 
Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!

Re: Jokes
 
They're Back!--Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at PAM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"
---------------------------------

Re: Jokes
 
Guys,
 
 
 
 
 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
 
 
 
For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
 
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
 
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
 
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
 
 
 
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.
 
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
 
 
 
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
 
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
 
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.
 
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
 
 
 
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
 
 
 
 
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Re: Jokes
 
MEMO FROM: Bin Laden, Osama.
 
TO: Al Qaeda Fighters.
 
SUBJECT: The Cave
 
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently and we've really
come together as a group, I love that! However, while we are fighting a
jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few
concerns:
 
First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid
excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep
the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've
posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal
toaster/griller).
 
Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to
scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or
keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.
 
Third: Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy"
on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my
Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
 
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And Please - do not chant
"Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
 
Fifth: Graffiti. Who wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall?
It's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the
edge of the mountain.
 
Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that
the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of
the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a
grey area).
 
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
 
Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
 
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

Re: Jokes
 
The boy is holding a 2p coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin
and starts panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly.
 
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 2p coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer".

Re: Jokes
 
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
 
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
 
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much info as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
 
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
info. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
 
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the info density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in info density; for now, BOOKs
with more info simply use more pages.
 
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering info
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
 
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected info for instant retrieval.
 
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
 
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
 
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon

Everybody likes jokes. Here is a thread to post your favorite or most recently heard jokes. Here's one I heard today:
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now"

Re: Jokes
 
Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

Re: Jokes
 
Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!