QUARK

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Major Tom, With the timely return of Uncle Lou, the free flow of contraband goodies into the Academy should start anew very soon. Happy to hear you're renewing, don't miss the excussive fold out of Viperia in this year's swimsuit issue. Bad Probability,

Re: I need advice... Dear Frustrated, Your best course of action is to turn to the darkside. Not only will you have a better shot at scoring with that hot little vixen, I can assure you you'll have alot more fun being a villain. I look forward to seeing you at this year's Baddest Of The Bad Beach Brawl. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mr. Pedeaston, It sucks being a working stiff (take it from my second cousin, who worked as a sewage overflow management system ). If you can't start a profitable business of your own using your degree, consider selling prepaid legal insurance. It's a service in huge demand and you can rake in a ton of cash from each client (especially those involved in supercrime). I've kept a comfortable lifestyle despite my recent demotion by selling policies on the side, and I highly recommend you give it a try. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mad Angus, The female of the species very often has that effect on the male (if it wouldn't get me in trouble with HR, there's this cutie in Customer Service with a nice set of chips who...er, nevermind). If you get the chance to meet her outside work, you should be be able to win her over if you just be yourself. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Esteemed Baron Ion, I know of several underworld costumers who specialize in cliental whose powers have drawbacks similar to those you discribed. Contact information is being sent to you as you read this and I can assure you they will be able to resolve your problem. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! (busy week, time to do some catch-up) Dear Sinister Samurai, Your best chance to get back in good standing with His Scaliness is to track down the supermeddler who has been the biggest thorn in VIPER's side and bring them in- dead or alive, whichever is the most practical. But don't just go gunning for the dogooder unprepared; dig up as much as you can on their strengths and weakness and put together a solid plan of action. Bad probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Jawbreaker, First, let me recommend you become a member of FOE (Fiendish Order of Evil), the equipment rental discounts at affiliated stores pays for itself after your first evil scheme, plus their fleet of medevac units can be a life saver when you encounter tough supers like those at this school you mentioned. As for the best non-tech-intensive armaments for your starter suit, I recommend a chaingun or two, a grenade launcher, a chainsaw, and a flamethrower. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Death Tribble, Uncle Lou and I are please to hear the dark cults are still going strong today and that you have no intention of watering down the timeless practices of the dark arts. As for the shortage of nubile virgin females in the modern day, there is just no way around it I'm afraid. What's more, any such rarity you do manage to procure will likely be the love interest of some uber-do-gooder who will thwart your carefully planned ritual and wipe out the lot of you. I recommend you stick to rituals that will allow you to tribute people nobody will ever miss such as telemarketers, petty criminals, and Richard Hatch from Survivor. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Burning, I recommend you think twice about applying open flame to the likes of Moore and Falwell unless a) you and your boyfriend can withstand the massive explosion that will result and there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Just Started, 1) One doesn't need special powers to be a corruptor, ask any producer of a reality television program. That said, I'd go the technological route, the other two options you mentioned tend to be abit iffy. 2) As a wise ol' fellow once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." 3) I hear the Hamtons is nice (if it was good enough for Martha...) I'm please to hear you enjoyed the exploits of Lady Vice and recommend you check out her spread in the next issue of SSM. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Pitfiend, This is truly a disgrace, especially for villain of the Doctor's caliber (what ever happened to honor among thieves? Shame). The best way to recover your losses in this case is to set the place up as a decoy base/trap for the do-gooders. As long as you don't waste it on just any ol' group of caped clods, you should be able to get your money's worth afterall. When life gives you lemons, yada, yada. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mr. Easter, It's always unfortunate when one's name makes one the butt of jokes, I can assure you it has happened to the best of us. While you can always kill the do-gooders who insult you, a less drastic solution may be to simply change your name. Consider something like Ben Dover, I.P. Freely, or Amanda Hugginkis (though the later may have a change of gender as a prerequisite). Good luck, and as always... Bad Probabilty,

Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers! After a long hiatas, the supervillain advice column is back. I've reassumed my position as columnist after Uncle Lou returned to reclaim his position as Editor-In-Chief (he was hiding in a spider hole in Iraq all the time, who knew?). Unfortunately, Lou wasn't pleased with my attempts to "MAXIMize" SSM and I barely managed to avoid being fired outright, but that's the way the cookie gets deleted. So without further adu, I'll be answering your questions on everything from success in your carreer of evil to making the most of the supervillain lifestyle. Pestered by some meddling kids and their pot-smoking, talking dog? Worried you're just a couple of botched hiests away from a long stay in Stronghold? Want to be more respected by your fellow evil doers? Write in, I'm always ready to listen. Bad Probability,

Dear Krusher, Jobs being outsourced to cheaper labor markets overseas is an unfortunate sign of the times. The key to your organization's survival is to play even dirtier and more dastardly. Anonymously drop a dime on PRIMUS, UNTIL, and/or some superhero teams about these foreign villains and things should start looking up for you. In the meantime, consider talking to one of Uncle Lou's old cohorents for help with contract negotiation. Just dial: 1-666-MEPHISTOPHELES Bad Probability,

Dear Anonymous, With regards to your marital quandry, I recommend you discreetly hire a "professional" to arrange a little "accident" for your current wife and speak to my old friend Teleios about creating a wife more to your liking. As for Uncle Lou, it's been months with no word from him but I will have one of my bikini-clad secretaries dust off Lou's old rolladex and see if one of his people would be willing to assist you in your quest for political power. Bad Probability,