QUARK

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Major Tom, With the timely return of Uncle Lou, the free flow of contraband goodies into the Academy should start anew very soon. Happy to hear you're renewing, don't miss the excussive fold out of Viperia in this year's swimsuit issue. Bad Probability,

Re: I need advice... Dear Frustrated, Your best course of action is to turn to the darkside. Not only will you have a better shot at scoring with that hot little vixen, I can assure you you'll have alot more fun being a villain. I look forward to seeing you at this year's Baddest Of The Bad Beach Brawl. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mr. Pedeaston, It sucks being a working stiff (take it from my second cousin, who worked as a sewage overflow management system ). If you can't start a profitable business of your own using your degree, consider selling prepaid legal insurance. It's a service in huge demand and you can rake in a ton of cash from each client (especially those involved in supercrime). I've kept a comfortable lifestyle despite my recent demotion by selling policies on the side, and I highly recommend you give it a try. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mad Angus, The female of the species very often has that effect on the male (if it wouldn't get me in trouble with HR, there's this cutie in Customer Service with a nice set of chips who...er, nevermind). If you get the chance to meet her outside work, you should be be able to win her over if you just be yourself. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Esteemed Baron Ion, I know of several underworld costumers who specialize in cliental whose powers have drawbacks similar to those you discribed. Contact information is being sent to you as you read this and I can assure you they will be able to resolve your problem. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! (busy week, time to do some catch-up) Dear Sinister Samurai, Your best chance to get back in good standing with His Scaliness is to track down the supermeddler who has been the biggest thorn in VIPER's side and bring them in- dead or alive, whichever is the most practical. But don't just go gunning for the dogooder unprepared; dig up as much as you can on their strengths and weakness and put together a solid plan of action. Bad probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Jawbreaker, First, let me recommend you become a member of FOE (Fiendish Order of Evil), the equipment rental discounts at affiliated stores pays for itself after your first evil scheme, plus their fleet of medevac units can be a life saver when you encounter tough supers like those at this school you mentioned. As for the best non-tech-intensive armaments for your starter suit, I recommend a chaingun or two, a grenade launcher, a chainsaw, and a flamethrower. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Death Tribble, Uncle Lou and I are please to hear the dark cults are still going strong today and that you have no intention of watering down the timeless practices of the dark arts. As for the shortage of nubile virgin females in the modern day, there is just no way around it I'm afraid. What's more, any such rarity you do manage to procure will likely be the love interest of some uber-do-gooder who will thwart your carefully planned ritual and wipe out the lot of you. I recommend you stick to rituals that will allow you to tribute people nobody will ever miss such as telemarketers, petty criminals, and Richard Hatch from Survivor. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Burning, I recommend you think twice about applying open flame to the likes of Moore and Falwell unless a) you and your boyfriend can withstand the massive explosion that will result and there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Just Started, 1) One doesn't need special powers to be a corruptor, ask any producer of a reality television program. That said, I'd go the technological route, the other two options you mentioned tend to be abit iffy. 2) As a wise ol' fellow once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." 3) I hear the Hamtons is nice (if it was good enough for Martha...) I'm please to hear you enjoyed the exploits of Lady Vice and recommend you check out her spread in the next issue of SSM. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Pitfiend, This is truly a disgrace, especially for villain of the Doctor's caliber (what ever happened to honor among thieves? Shame). The best way to recover your losses in this case is to set the place up as a decoy base/trap for the do-gooders. As long as you don't waste it on just any ol' group of caped clods, you should be able to get your money's worth afterall. When life gives you lemons, yada, yada. Bad Probability,

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mr. Easter, It's always unfortunate when one's name makes one the butt of jokes, I can assure you it has happened to the best of us. While you can always kill the do-gooders who insult you, a less drastic solution may be to simply change your name. Consider something like Ben Dover, I.P. Freely, or Amanda Hugginkis (though the later may have a change of gender as a prerequisite). Good luck, and as always... Bad Probabilty,

Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers! After a long hiatas, the supervillain advice column is back. I've reassumed my position as columnist after Uncle Lou returned to reclaim his position as Editor-In-Chief (he was hiding in a spider hole in Iraq all the time, who knew?). Unfortunately, Lou wasn't pleased with my attempts to "MAXIMize" SSM and I barely managed to avoid being fired outright, but that's the way the cookie gets deleted. So without further adu, I'll be answering your questions on everything from success in your carreer of evil to making the most of the supervillain lifestyle. Pestered by some meddling kids and their pot-smoking, talking dog? Worried you're just a couple of botched hiests away from a long stay in Stronghold? Want to be more respected by your fellow evil doers? Write in, I'm always ready to listen. Bad Probability,

Dear Krusher, Jobs being outsourced to cheaper labor markets overseas is an unfortunate sign of the times. The key to your organization's survival is to play even dirtier and more dastardly. Anonymously drop a dime on PRIMUS, UNTIL, and/or some superhero teams about these foreign villains and things should start looking up for you. In the meantime, consider talking to one of Uncle Lou's old cohorents for help with contract negotiation. Just dial: 1-666-MEPHISTOPHELES Bad Probability,

Dear Anonymous, With regards to your marital quandry, I recommend you discreetly hire a "professional" to arrange a little "accident" for your current wife and speak to my old friend Teleios about creating a wife more to your liking. As for Uncle Lou, it's been months with no word from him but I will have one of my bikini-clad secretaries dust off Lou's old rolladex and see if one of his people would be willing to assist you in your quest for political power. Bad Probability,

Greetings Super Scum Magazine Subscribers! Sadly Uncle Lou, founder and Editor-In-Cheif of our great publication, has disappeared to parts unknown and it seems he is never returning. While we at SSM are sadden by his loss, the show must go on to quote the Bard. And since I am the the senior most member of the staff, company bylaws say I am now in control (heh heh). My first official act as EIC will be to introduce SSM's newest feature in this issue: The Supervillain Classifieds In our new Classifieds pages, you our readers may place ads for everything from henchperson job opportunities, to those old doomsday devices and superweapons in your garage you'd like to sell. There's even a section for personals. NOTICE: Limited space available, please keep listings reasonably short. Bad Probability,

Dear Krusher, Thanks again for the new bodies. If it can be arranged, I'm going to need a new shapeshifter body. You were right about the unstable part, though I believe there's a way to correct the problem (I'm sending you some specs and notes that might be helpful). In the meantime... A SPECIAL ANOUNCEMENT FOR ALL SUPER SCUM MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS: With the recent mysterious disappearance of Uncle Lou, I as the senior most member of the SSM staff will be acting editor and chief. Lou was last seen during the aftermath of an evil plot gone horribly wrong down at the Bad Sector Club. My contact at the Space Academy has recently informed me that he hasn't been by with the latest batch of Super Scum Magazines and other contraband goodies, so we here at SSM Headquarters fear the worst. I will keep you informed as further information becomes available Bad Probability,

Dear Blue, If they actually left embarassing items such as you've discribed just lying around, I'd say it's fair game. Infact, I for one would love to hear even more details if you have them. Bad Probability,

Uncle Lou did that? Damn... Okay, don't send the robot body to SSM HQ, send it to my idiot younger sibling Q.U.I.R.K. and he'll bring it to me (I bribed him with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City). In the meantime, it appears me and Uncle Lou need to have a little chat. Bad Probability,

Dear Kosmic Krusher, I just so happens I duped the professor into giving me the formula for Chemical X last week (I still can't believe he really thought I was my goody-two-shoes brother, what a sucker ). I'd be happy to share the formula in exchange for your help in stealing one of Mechanon's back-up robot bodies, I'm sick of being couped up in SSM headquarters all day. Bad Probability,

Yes, and it looks like they didn't listen to my advice. I've known quite a few parasites in my time, the last one was my roommate in college. Oh, THAT Parasite. Unfortuately, this happens alot with him. I told him to stick to possessing mere mortals but he just has to be a big shot. Heroes can be so cruel with their value judgements Watch a couple of hours of "reality television", that's enough to make anyone's soul go numb. Possibly, but if you plan to make a career of evil be prepared to go all the way. Nobody repects a bad guy who does things half-assed. I'm sure a person of your talents will have no trouble finding a villain group or organization who'll be happy to have you as a member. Bad Probability,

MEGA BUMP!!!! :eek:

Re: Hmmm.... Dear Mayday, Uncle Lou could be persauded to help you and your husband with this "imagration issue" if you agree to do a favor for him in exchange. As for what precisely that favor will be, you'll just have to negotiate that with him. Bad Probability,

Dear Kosmic Krusher, Bylaws like those you mentioned are precisely the reason I'm not and never have been a member of VILLAIN or GANGSTER. I only answer to Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou") and if either organization causes me any trouble they will literally have HELL to pay. Bad Probability,

Dear Kosmic Krusher, If you always feel the urge to anounce something during a fight, anounce the exact opposite of what you're really going to do. Better still, instead of anouncing what you're going to do next, start reading your laundry list or shopping list out loud during the fight. Bad Probability,