Ockham's Spoon
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Posts posted by Ockham's Spoon
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A guy goes into a bar early one day. The bartender looks up and says "Sorry, we don't open for half an hour yet."
The guys says "Oh, sorry. Do you mind if I just sit in here to wait until you do open?"
"I guess that would be alright." the bartender says. "Can I get you something to drink while you're waiting?"
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I just read that if a hermit crab finds a new shell that is too large for it, it will wait for other crabs who need new shells to gather around and then they will organize themselves by size and trade shells until they all have a new home.
It is kind of sad that hermit crabs have a better housing market than we do.
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Frank was at a bar, looking to score, but the pickings seemed slim. After a few beers though, one older woman was looking pretty good. They chatted a bit, danced a little, and drank some more. Frank wouldn't normally be interested in someone who looked like she might be eligible for Social Security checks in the next couple of years, but had just about convinced himself that a mature, experienced woman might be worth a try, when the lady leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially "You ever had a sportman's double?"
"What's that?" asked Frank.
"It's a mother-daughter threesome." she said. "You interested?"
"Heck yeah!" Frank said, hardly believing his luck.
They drove back to the lady's place, where she led him to the bedroom.
"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back." she said smiling slyly.
Frank took off his clothes and climbed into the bed, imagining the possibilities when he heard the lady yelling up the stairs, "Hey Momma, you still awake?"
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Her: I cannot believe you had sex with her!
Him: She was laying naked right in front of me, what did you expect me to do?
Her: The autopsy! -
Two guys decided to go fishing one day. They went to the marina, rented a boat, and out on the lake they went. They spent the day chatting and joking and catching fish after fish until both had reached their daily limit. Before heading in after catching so many fish, one guy says to the other:
“It’s really been a fantastic day. We should come back and do it again tomorrow.”
The other replies; “Great idea! We need to mark this spot and not tell anyone else about it.”
“Yeah, good idea.” he says. Then he pulls a sharpie from his bag, reaches down with a smug smirk, and puts a big X on the side of the boat.
The other one rolls his eyes and says: “How stupid can you be? We can't mark the spot like that! What if we get a different boat tomorrow?"
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Three mice are sitting at the bar, knocking down a few drinks. They get to bragging and the first mouse says, “Yeah, they put rat poison out at my place; I’ve developed a tolerance to it, in fact I kind of like it now—I sprinkle it on my cereal in the mornings.”
The second mouse says, “Meh, that’s nothing. They use those mouse traps at my place. I take the cheese and spring the trap, when the bar comes down, I grab it, do some chest presses to keep my pecs in shape, and then enjoy the cheese.”
The third mouse gets off his bar stool, puts on his cap and heads to the door; turning to the other mice he says, “God, I’ve had enough of this bragging. I’m going home to screw the cat.”
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A young priest has been working hard on making his sermons engaging, and while most of the congregation seems to enjoy them, there is one guy who sits up front that always falls asleep during the sermon, right in front of pulpit, which galls the priest to no end. The priest decides to teach him a lesson, so in the middle of his sermon, once the man has nodded off, he says in a low voice,
"Now I want everyone who is a low-down sinner, who disdains God, and listens to the words of Satan," he pauses and then shouts "STAND UP NOW!"
The man awakes, startled, and jumps to his feet. He looks around a bit confused that no one else in the congregation is standing, and then turns to the priest and says,
"Well, Father, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."
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A truck driver is delivering at the zoo when a keeper approaches him. “I have a problem. Our new female gorilla is in heat and needs a seeing-to. I can’t put her in with the others until she’s out of quarantine. Would you be willing to have sex with her for a hundred bucks?”
The driver thinks for a bit and says, “OK. But on three conditions.”
“What are the conditions?” asks the keeper.
“Well,” says the driver,” for a start, there’ll be no kissing involved.”
The keeper agrees, and the driver continues, “And nobody ever gets to hear about it. Nobody.”
“No problem,” says the keeper. “What’s the last condition?”
The driver leans in close and whispers, “Can you wait ’til Friday for the hundred bucks?”
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Two statues, a male and female, stood in Central Park for 50 yrs. One day a fairy came along and granted them 24 hrs to be human. POOF!! Off the dashed into the bushes!!!
There’s a lot of brush shacking and grunting and huffing!!! Six hours later the male comes out, ”Phew, I’m getting tired!” The female says, “Hey, we’ve only got 18 hrs, get back in here and handle business!”
So, off he goes again and there’s bushes shaking, dirt flying, huffing, puffing and screaming going on. 12 hrs later, the male comes crawling out, grabbing dirt and can no longer stand! “I, just can’t go anymore, you’re killing me!” The female says, “Look, be a man! We’ve only 6 hrs left and we’re back on that perch forever!”
The male, looks up at the perch looks back at the female, wipes his brow, looks up again, and back. Then he says, “Alright, but this time, I’LL hold the pigeons and YOU sh!t on them!”
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A man goes to his doctor and says he is deeply depressed. His job stresses him out and he sees no hope for the future.
The doctor asks him if he's in a relationship and the man says he is.
The doctor says, “That’s very positive. There are times when I feel like you do. On those days, when I get back from work, I cuddle my wife and we make love all night, it really helps. See how that goes for you and come back to see me next week. “
The man trudged out of the office.
A week later the man returns. He looks happy and relaxed, very different from how he looked when he was last there.
The doctor says “You look much better, did you take my advice?”
The man says “I certainly did and may I say you have a very lovely home.”
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A man on a bicycle is stopped at the US-Mexico border by Border Patrol. The border agent asks what is in the backpack he's wearing. “Uh, sand”, the bicyclist responds. The agent asks to look inside and sure enough it appears to be full of sand. “Dump it out” the agent insists. So he dumps out the contents of the backpack on the road and the agent searches through the sand looking for contraband. Finding nothing but sand, he allows the biker to pass into Mexico.
The next day the biker comes to the border again. The same agent asks about the backpack. “It’s just sand”, says the biker. The agent, who refuses to be fooled, tells him to dump it out. Again he searches through the sand finding nothing.
“Sir, you’re going to dump the sand every single day. I’m not letting you through without checking. I don’t care how many times you come here, you’re dumping the sand every single time”.
“No problem” says the biker.
Sure enough, they go through this ritual day after day, month after month, year after year. Until one day, the biker stops coming.
One day after work, the agent sees the biker at a bar. “I know you”, says the agent.”You’re the guy who brought sand across the border every day”.
“Yep. That’s me” says the biker.
“You gotta tell me, buddy, why did you bring sand across the border every day”?
“Sand?, the biker replies. “I was selling stolen bicycles!”
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I have never assigned a specific mechanic to decapitation, it is just a description used in combat. If a player does a butt-load of damage and their opponent is killed by the blow, I might describe it as decapitation. Or getting cut in two, or some other colorful demise. The only time it is really important is if you are trying to kill something that can only be killed with decapitation, in which case they would have to declare a head shot before doing the butt-load of damage.
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A young married couple are buying their first house together and the mortgage broker has offered them mutual life insurance polices.
"What’s this?" asks the wife.
Husband: "Oh it’s nothing really, we pay twenty bucks a month and if one of us dies for whatever reason then the mortgage gets paid off in full. It’s quite a common policy."
Wife: "So if I die you get the house mortgage free?"
Husband: "Yes, and of course vice versa, if I die you get it mortgage free."
Wife: "Never mind that, if I die, you get the house. and then what, would you re-marry?"
Husband: "Well that’s very hypothetical question, but I’m still a young man so I guess so."
Wife: "Would you move your new bride into our house?"
Husband: "Well it would be fully paid off, and it’s a very nice house, so that would seem sensible."
Wife (through gritted teeth): "Would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?"
Husband: "Well, it is an orthopaedic mattress and you know I have a bad back, so yes, definitely."
Wife (now getting visibly angry): "And would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Well I suppose so, otherwise it would just be sat there in the driveway doing nothing."
Wife (now absolutely furious) : "Hmmrph! And I suppose you would also let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "Certainly not! She’s left handed."
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I had a contractor out to get a quote on repairing a chimney damaged in a recent storm.
I joked with him, "I don't know how much chimneys cost exactly, but I hope this one is going to be on the house."
He replied, "Actually, it's going through the roof."
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Jokes
in Non-Gaming Discussion
Posted
A woman with 7 children, all named Chris, both boys and girls, was interviewed by a TV station as a local interest piece.
Interviewer: "Why did you name all your children Chris?"
Woman: "It's easier that way. When I want them all to come, I can just yell 'Chris, get over here!' When its time for bed, I can just say 'Chris, bedtime!' I only have to say anything once, so its quicker, you know."
Interviewer: "Well, what if you only want to call one of them? What do you do then?"
Woman: "Oh, that's easy. I just call them by their last name."