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Ockham's Spoon

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Everything posted by Ockham's Spoon

  1. Actually heard this on NPR How accurate is economic forecasting? Let's just say that some people argue that economic forecasting makes astrology look respectable.
  2. Take-your-child-to-work-day, and everyone is mingling and have a nice time until my 5-year-old pipes up "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
  3. With the writers' strike going, we may end up with a lot of unscripted reality TV. Here's a pitch for a new reality TV show: A show in the vein of The Amazing Race in which Flat Earthers try to travel to the edge of the world
  4. A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
  5. Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.” The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.” Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?” The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!” Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!” The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”
  6. A man and his dog walk into a bar in New York. The bartender tells the man, he can stay but the dog has to go. Man says that his dog can talk and should be allowed to stay. "Okay, if the dog can really talk, prove it." The man turns to his dog and says "What is on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog. "And how would you describe sandpaper?" the man asks. "Rough!" says the dog. "And who was the greatest baseball player ever?" the man asks. "Ruth!" says the dog. The bartender has had enough of their BS and throws both the man and dog out of the bar onto the street. The dog turns to the man, lying on the street, and says “Dimaggio maybe?”
  7. Took me a minute to recognize it. How long has this strip been running?
  8. Quote from a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design a garbage bin that the bears can't break into: "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
  9. Three mothers of teen-aged children were sitting down to coffee one morning. The first mother said she was cleaning her 16-year-old daughter’s room when she found a pack of cigarettes. “I never knew she smoked,” she stated. “I know what you mean,” the second mother interjected. “I was cleaning my son’s room when I found an empty vodka bottle. I never knew he was drinking.” The third mother stepped in with: “I was cleaning my 17-year-old daughter’s room and found a condom wrapper. I never knew she had a penis.”
  10. Three guys find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. Saint Peter beckons them forward. "I can only let worthy souls pass through the pearly gates, and so each of you must answer a question correctly to be allowed in." The first man steps forward. "Ask me any question, I am ready." Saint Peter looks over the records of the man's life, and finds he has been devout and kind his whole life. "Well, given your exemplary record on Earth, I shall ask you an easy question. Who was the first man?" "That's easy, Adam." The bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open. After the first man has entered Heaven, the second steps forward. Saint Peter looks over his records, saying "You too have lead an exceptionally good life, so I will ask you a simple question as well. Who was the first woman?" The second man answers "Eve was the first woman." And the bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open. Once the second man has entered Heaven, the last man nervously steps forward. Saint Peter is looking over his life frowning. "I am surprised you were even allowed to approach Heaven with the life you have had. Still, you are here, so I will ask you a question, but it will be a difficult one. What were Eve's first words to Adam?" The last man sweats nervously trying to think. "Wow, that's a hard one!" And the bells ring, the birds sing, and the pearly gates open.
  11. Therapist: "So what do we do when we get angry?" Author: "Base characters of the people that upset you, and then brutally kill those characters off." Therapist: "Um, no." Author: *starts writing in his notebook*
  12. Two gentlemen are walking along the pavement to their club. Two attractive ladies appear in the distance, walking the opposite direction. As they get closer, the gentlemen and ladies give each other appreciative, appraising glances. As they pass, no words are exchanged, but the nice ladies smile, and the gents tip their hats. Both ladies and gents continue in the direction they were headed. After a few moments, with the ladies well out of ear-shot, one gent says to the other: “What the bloody Hell?! I could swear we just passed my wife and my mistress!” And the other responds, “Jove! I was thinking the same thing!”
  13. A truck driver goes into a truck stop, there's a sign behind the counter that reads “Chicken Sandwich $5, Hand Job $10”. The truck driver asks the woman to behind the counter if she gives the hand jobs, to which she answers yes. So the truck driver says “Well, go and wash them. I want a chicken sandwich”.
  14. Trojans is a terrible brand name for condoms. It is basically named after something the penetrated a stronghold through deception and then broke open and a swarm of little guys poured out and screwed everyone's day up.
  15. Now available on Amazon! This is obviously a Pokemon plush toy and would never be mistaken for anything else!
  16. Falcons live 12-15 years. This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century. They are all Millennial Falcons.
  17. Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
  18. Got a text from my girlfriend saying she was breaking up with me. I was so relieved when a few minutes later when she texted me again "sorry wrong number" Wait a minute...
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