Ockham's Spoon

Falcons live 12-15 years. This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century. They are all Millennial Falcons.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

Got a text from my girlfriend saying she was breaking up with me. I was so relieved when a few minutes later when she texted me again "sorry wrong number" Wait a minute...

Giving a movie villain a PhD works well regardless of your audience. People without a PhD: "Oh, they are showing that the villain is really smart. Makes sense." People with a PhD: "Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense."

My wife and daughter were having a philosophical discussion as to whether the body was ruled by the head or the heart. They asked me what I thought, and I said "Neither. The body is ruled by the bladder, and it is a tyrant."

A husband thanks the doctor for helping his wife deliver their new baby. He then sheepishly asks "So when do you think we will be able to have sex?" The doctor smiles and replies "I'm off in 10 minutes. Meet me in the car park."

Considering most of H.P. Lovecraft's stories are set in or near Massachusetts, we should mentally be giving the characters Boston accents. "Oh my gawd, it's an eldritch harrar from beyahnd the stahs!"

A man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor asks "Is this her first child?" The man replies "No, this is her husband!"

My body is like a temple: Ancient, crumbling, probably cursed, and full of unspeakable horror.

One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment and rents out a cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door. He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks: “I’m yer neighbor from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.” The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.” “Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave. But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.” “Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.” “Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.” But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.” “Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.” “Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.” But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.” The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.” “OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away. “Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?” The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. It’s just gonna be you and me.”

My kids are at an age where they use their phones to take pictures of everything they do in order to document their lives. I am at an age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels so I can enlarge them enough to be able to read them.

In my mind the real question is what does it mean for characters to lose their humanity? Do they become amoral killers? Do they start growing scales and tentacles? Is the condition fatal or do they just become something else? Once you nail down exactly what it means to lose their humanity, you can assign mechanical effects in gaming terms, using some of the excellent suggestions already put forth.

What did the principal do when he found a group of boys in the bathroom having a competition to see who could pee furthest up the wall?