Ockham's Spoon

Recently had a conversation about inherently 'evil' races likes orcs, and the topic has certainly popped up on these boards, so this seemed apropos:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot." The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?” The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?" The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned. “Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!” “Oh, yes – what did it say?” “Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!” “Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?” “Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!” “Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses. “Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!” “Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”

You do need to take into account when making skill rolls that you are doing so with 3 dice, which gives you a distribution curve rather than the flat probability result you get from a single 20-sided die. Statistically speaking, there is a bigger step between 12- and 13- than there is between 11- and 12-. A 14- isn't a guarantee, but highly probable, while an 8- is highly improbable. The other thing about skills is that Hero has skill levels, while D&D is based on just your Characteristic scores (skill is rolled into levels). This makes Hero more realistic and more flexible. So don't just consider Characteristics when looking at different characters, but also the number of skill levels they have. That makes a huge difference in how the character will play. The actual characteristic scores for a character in D&D or in Hero are both typically going to be between 8 and 20. A warrior-type will have higher score in STR, the wizard in INT, the rogue in DEX. From that standpoint, you have the same variation in both games. It is just that in Hero you will use skills to differentiate your characters, and because Hero is WAY more flexible with skills, you can customize your character to be anything you want rather than another D&D paladin clone or wizard clone that are nearly indistinguishable from each other.

Active voice: "I loved your book." Passive voice: "Your book was loved." Passive-aggressive voice: "I love that you thought you should write a book."

I feel this should be in the Cosplay thread...

Inventor of the clock: "There will be 12 numbers on it." Friend: "So the day will be divided into 12 sections?" Inventor: "No, 24." Friend: "Um, okay. So the day starts at 1?" Inventor: "No, it starts at 12, which is at night." Friend: "Uh..." Inventor: "And the 6 means 30."

No relation to Jerry Sandusky. I hope.

Dudley is hanging out on the beach with his popular cousin, Chad. "Gee, Chad, you always have girls flocking around you. They won't even give me the time of day. Do you have any pointers?" Chad looks over Dudley and sees that he doesn't have a lot to work with. So he thinks a minute and then says "Okay, try this. Get a potato and stick it in your swim trunks. That will get the girls to notice you for sure." Later that day, Dudley comes to talk to Chad again. "I don't know Chad, I tried the potato thing out, but if anything it just made the girls avoid me even more." "You idiot, you were supposed to put the potato in the front of your swim trunks!"

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they will have. The rabbit says "I have no idea. I am only here because of Autocorrect."

Credit Laura Kightlinger: I can't think of anything worse after a night of heavy drinking than waking up in a bed with a person whose name you can't remember, or how you met, or why they're dead.

Okay my memory is hazy, who is that?

In physics, Rate x Time = Distance In bed, Rate x Time = Prostitute

I believe the joke is that Germans take everything literally and have no sense of humor. So the punchline is that there is no punchline, because Germans have no sense of humor.

Although the Standard Effect is lower than the average of the dice roll, as noted earlier it is a guaranteed value; you know you won't whiff a roll. That said, I would usually require some justification for Standard Effect. On the original topic, if I am going to 'disable' a limb with a pair of handcuffs, that is a pretty standard effect once they are in place, so that works. If I am disabling with a nerve punch, that is going to be a lot more variable, so Standard Effect isn't nearly as appropriate. One exception to that rule in my games is Aid. It is really useful to add 10 points to a characteristic, but a 3d6 Aid only gives you 9 points with Standard Effect, which is awkward. So our house rule is that the Standard Effect for 3d6 is 10 points. This started out with a master criminal who was using drugs to make jacked-up thugs, and so his minions had various Aids to grant them boosted CHA scores, all with a Standard Effect of 10 points. Originally it was just to make the GM's life easier, but it was so convenient that it has become our standard.

An American couple are driving through Canada and stop at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays and asks, “By the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?” “He doesn't speak English" replies the husband.

I have a shirt that is dry-clean only, which means... it's dirty.