Ockham's Spoon

For a song called "Piano Man", the guy with the harmonica won't shut the **** up. 

Q: How do you tell the difference between a chemical engineer and a structural engineer?
A: Ask them to pronounce unionized.

My biology professor asked me what the function of carbohydrates was, but apparently "filling the deep well of sadness within me" was not the correct answer.

Is it just me that feels like the English language is mocking us with the way the word 'phonetic' is spelled?

A woman in her late forties starts taking swimming lessons. When her friends ask about her new interest, she says, "My son is dating a girl who's a little insecure. She likes to ask him things like, 'If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?' I just want him not to have to worry about that." 
 
Her son, meanwhile, is having one of those days with his girlfriend. Sure enough, she asks him, "If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?"
 
He replies, "It's not an issue, sweetheart. My Mom is learning how to swim."
 
She's frustrated. "No, you have to choose! You have to jump in and save one of us!"
 
He just shakes his head. "Well, then I'm afraid you're probably going to die."
 
Now she's furious. "What? How can you say that?"
 
"Because I don't know how to swim, and I know Mom is going to save me before she saves you." 

Boss: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
 
Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening."

Can you open the windows in the Empire State building or do you have to throw the person through them?  Asking for a friend.