Ockham's Spoon

Three mothers of teen-aged children were sitting down to coffee one morning.
 
The first mother said she was cleaning her 16-year-old daughter’s room when she found a pack of cigarettes. “I never knew she smoked,” she stated.
 
“I know what you mean,” the second mother interjected. “I was cleaning my son’s room when I found an empty vodka bottle. I never knew he was drinking.”
 
The third mother stepped in with: “I was cleaning my 17-year-old daughter’s room and found a condom wrapper.  I never knew she had a penis.”

Three mothers of teen-aged children were sitting down to coffee one morning.
 
The first mother said she was cleaning her 16-year-old daughter’s room when she found a pack of cigarettes. “I never knew she smoked,” she stated.
 
“I know what you mean,” the second mother interjected. “I was cleaning my son’s room when I found an empty vodka bottle. I never knew he was drinking.”
 
The third mother stepped in with: “I was cleaning my 17-year-old daughter’s room and found a condom wrapper.  I never knew she had a penis.”

Editor: "How is the next chapter of that book coming along?"
 
Me: "I'm experiencing a lot of writer's block right now."
 
Editor: "What's the problem?"
 
Me: "I feel a powerful need to kill off a couple of characters."
 
Editor: "But you're writing an autobiography."
 
Me: "And...?"

Therapist: "So what do we do when we get angry?"
 
Author: "Base characters of the people that upset you, and then brutally kill those characters off."
 
Therapist: "Um, no."
 
Author: *starts writing in his notebook*

Therapist: "So what do we do when we get angry?"
 
Author: "Base characters of the people that upset you, and then brutally kill those characters off."
 
Therapist: "Um, no."
 
Author: *starts writing in his notebook*

Statements that are Technically True:
 
Lasagna is spaghetti in cake form.
 
A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.
 
Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book is a remix.
 
House arrest means you’ve been grounded by the government.
 
Halloween is just one huge annual cosplay convention.
 
The human race will not become extinct during your lifetime … or anyone else’s.
 
If your thumb gets cut off, you also lose your middle finger.
 
If you turn the volume up high enough, any device can be noise-canceling.
 
If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.
 
Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything.
 
If the opposite of Pro is Con, then Congress is the opposite of progress.
 
Every time you paint a house it gets bigger, but every time you paint a room in a house it gets smaller.
 
When someone asks you “Which way to the beach?” you can point in any direction and be correct.
 
If an axe murderer is chasing you, you’re both running for your life.
 
There is no physical evidence that today is the day everyone says it is. We just have to trust that everyone has been counting correctly since someone decided to start all those years ago.
 
If your parachute fails to deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
 
You spend your entire life filling the guest list for your funeral.
 
Every second of pain that you endure means one less second of pain you have to endure.

Well, except for this part... 😕
 
 

Two gentlemen are walking along the pavement to their club.
Two attractive ladies appear in the distance, walking the opposite direction.
As they get closer, the gentlemen and ladies give each other appreciative, appraising glances.
As they pass, no words are exchanged, but the nice ladies smile, and the gents tip their hats. Both ladies and gents continue in the direction they were headed.
After a few moments, with the ladies well out of ear-shot, one gent says to the other: “What the bloody Hell?! I could swear we just passed my wife and my mistress!”
And the other responds, “Jove! I was thinking the same thing!”

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
 
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

The police asked me, "Where were you between three and five?"
 
I said, "Preschool."

Trojans is a terrible brand name for condoms.  It is basically named after something the penetrated a stronghold through deception and then broke open and a swarm of little guys poured out and screwed everyone's day up.

Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full.

Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
 
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Instead of telling people, "Have a nice day!", I have begun saying, "Enjoy your next 24 hours."
 
I don't understand why people are looking at me like I'm a serial killer.