Ockham's Spoon

Frank was at a bar, looking to score, but the pickings seemed slim.  After a few beers though, one older woman was looking pretty good.  They chatted a bit, danced a little, and drank some more.  Frank wouldn't normally be interested in someone who looked like she might be eligible for Social Security checks in the next couple of years, but had just about convinced himself that a mature, experienced woman might be worth a try, when the lady leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially "You ever had a sportman's double?"
"What's that?" asked Frank.
"It's a mother-daughter threesome." she said.  "You interested?"
"Heck yeah!" Frank said, hardly believing his luck.
They drove back to the lady's place, where she led him to the bedroom.
"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back." she said smiling slyly.
Frank took off his clothes and climbed into the bed, imagining the possibilities when he heard the lady yelling up the stairs, "Hey Momma, you still awake?"

So much information can be shared through social media these days, and it has taught me two things.
 
First, there are incredibly brilliant, clever, creative people out there.
 
Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

"I have invented a new car for teenagers that only runs if the driver and passengers aren't talking."
 
"What makes you think that's such a great idea?"
 
"Well, it goes without saying."

Mornings are so much better for me now that I've switched from coffee to orange juice. The doctor says it's the vitamin C and the natural sugars, but I think it's probably the vodka.

I guess that would be R2-FU.

"What are you doing in that wardrobe?"
 
"Narnia business!"

I knew there were reasons I liked crocodiles.

Three mice are sitting at the bar, knocking down a few drinks. They get to bragging and the first mouse says, “Yeah, they put rat poison out at my place; I’ve developed a tolerance to it, in fact I kind of like it now—I sprinkle it on my cereal in the mornings.”
The second mouse says, “Meh, that’s nothing. They use those mouse traps at my place. I take the cheese and spring the trap, when the bar comes down, I grab it, do some chest presses to keep my pecs in shape, and then enjoy the cheese.”
The third mouse gets off his bar stool, puts on his cap and heads to the door; turning to the other mice he says, “God, I’ve had enough of this bragging. I’m going home to screw the cat.”

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone"

A truck driver is delivering at the zoo when a keeper approaches him. “I have a problem. Our new female gorilla is in heat and needs a seeing-to. I can’t put her in with the others until she’s out of quarantine. Would you be willing to have sex with her for a hundred bucks?”
The driver thinks for a bit and says, “OK. But on three conditions.”
“What are the conditions?” asks the keeper.
“Well,” says the driver,” for a start, there’ll be no kissing involved.”
The keeper agrees, and the driver continues, “And nobody ever gets to hear about it. Nobody.”
“No problem,” says the keeper. “What’s the last condition?”
The driver leans in close and whispers, “Can you wait ’til Friday for the hundred bucks?”

The Thin Mints I ordered finally arrived today.
 
I've eaten two boxes so far. They don't appear to be working.
 
I want a refund.