Ockham's Spoon

Conversation overheard in a restaurant:
 
Man: "So, do you have any children?"
 
Woman: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
 
Man: "I know how many one is."

Is the earth flat? Well, it’s 70% water and non-carbonated. 

I have never assigned a specific mechanic to decapitation, it is just a description used in combat.  If a player does a butt-load of damage and their opponent is killed by the blow, I might describe it as decapitation.  Or getting cut in two, or some other colorful demise.  The only time it is really important is if you are trying to kill something that can only be killed with decapitation, in which case they would have to declare a head shot before doing the butt-load of damage.

My favorite version of this particular scam:
 
Kid: "What are you eating? Is it pie?"
 
Me: "No, it's a fruit casserole."
 
Kid: "Ugh. I hate casserole!"
 
Me (to myself): "I know." 

Today I had the nastiest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had. I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout

This joke might belong in All Things Creepy...
 
 

Conversation overheard in a restaurant:
 
Man: "So, do you have any children?"
 
Woman: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
 
Man: "I know how many one is."

A young married couple are buying their first house together and the mortgage broker has offered them mutual life insurance polices.
"What’s this?" asks the wife.
Husband: "Oh it’s nothing really, we pay twenty bucks a month and if one of us dies for whatever reason then the mortgage gets paid off in full. It’s quite a common policy."
Wife: "So if I die you get the house mortgage free?"
Husband: "Yes, and of course vice versa, if I die you get it mortgage free."
Wife: "Never mind that, if I die, you get the house. and then what, would you re-marry?"
Husband: "Well that’s very hypothetical question, but I’m still a young man so I guess so."
Wife: "Would you move your new bride into our house?"
Husband: "Well it would be fully paid off, and it’s a very nice house, so that would seem sensible."
Wife (through gritted teeth): "Would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?"
Husband: "Well, it is an orthopaedic mattress and you know I have a bad back, so yes, definitely."
Wife (now getting visibly angry): "And would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Well I suppose so, otherwise it would just be sat there in the driveway doing nothing."
Wife (now absolutely furious) : "Hmmrph! And I suppose you would also let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "Certainly not! She’s left handed."

Me: "Dude, I'm bored. Text me some good jokes."
 
Him: "Not now. I'm busy with my girlfriend."
 
Me: "Awesome! Send me some more!" 

In my day ice axes hadn't been invented yet