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Rails

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  1. Haha
    Rails reacted to Lord Liaden in Hey "Forum" why so stingy with the Up-Votes?!?   
    My sister-in-law has a knack for distorting common expressions, but in a way where you can see the logic in how she got there. My favorites:
     
    "Shoot Bill" instead of "fire at will."
     
    "Hindsight is 50-50."
     
    and
     
    "It ain't over 'til the fat lady's dead."
  2. Haha
    Rails reacted to Old Man in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  3. Haha
    Rails reacted to Logan.1179 in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  4. Haha
    Rails reacted to Cygnia in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  5. Haha
    Rails reacted to Cygnia in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  6. Haha
    Rails reacted to BoloOfEarth in Quote of the Week From My Life.   
    While watching Into the Spiderverse, my daughter sang:
     
    "Spider-Dad.  Spider-Dad.
    Tells some jokes.
    They all are bad."
  7. Haha
    Rails reacted to Logan.1179 in Foods for those that just don't care anymore   
  8. Haha
    Rails reacted to mattingly in Foods for those that just don't care anymore   
  9. Haha
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
     
    After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  10. Haha
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?
     
     
    Because he always gets stuck at Chapter 11.
  11. Like
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    >’Enter new password‘
     
    ~ 'chicken'
     
    ‘Password must contain a capital’

    ~ 'chickenkiev'
  12. Haha
    Rails reacted to Pariah in Jokes   
    A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
     
    “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
     
    “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?”
     
    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
     
    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
     
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
  13. Haha
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
     
    She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
    The defense attorney nearly died.
    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
  14. Like
    Rails reacted to Starlord in In other news...   
    Love Forged in Fire.  I find myself yelling at the tv when a smith makes cardinal sins like missing basic parameters or quenching in water.  After 7 seasons of watching, I feel like I am an expert knife-maker with absolutely no experience. 
  15. Haha
    Rails reacted to Cygnia in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  16. Like
    Rails reacted to Tjack in Coronavirus   
    Uhhhhh....Can I wash my hands like I’m washing Scarlett Johansson instead?  
  17. Like
    Rails reacted to Logan.1179 in Creepy Pics.   
  18. Haha
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
     
    The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
     
    The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
     
    He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
     
    Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
     
    He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
     
    By the time they left the bar, the father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
  19. Haha
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    Two Aliens come to our Planet and are greeted by armed forces.
     
    They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them.
     
    Humanity gathers the greatest comedians and scientists to come up with an original joke but everyone's opinion on what is a good joke turns out to be at conflict. Furious, one scientist proclaims that we have to know which of our earlier jokes the Aliens at least found funny. All the comedians and scientists agree on this.
     
    So a scientist goes to talk with the Aliens and ask them which of our old jokes they laughed at the most. The Aliens respond, "The one where this reality TV star becomes the ruler of the free world."
     
    The scientist is taken aback, "But that wasn't a joke. That actually happened"
     
    The Aliens burst out laughing and leave the planet without saying a word.
  20. Like
    Rails reacted to archer in Jokes   
    Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway.
     
    The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
     
    Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
     
    The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

    Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
  21. Like
    Rails reacted to Starlord in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  22. Haha
    Rails reacted to Pariah in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  23. Haha
    Rails reacted to Cygnia in Funny Pics II: The Revenge   
  24. Like
    Rails reacted to Cygnia in Coronavirus   
  25. Haha
    Rails reacted to BoloOfEarth in Coronavirus   
    They get really tetchy when you move their carts, too.  I remember one woman whose cart was almost completely blocking the aisle.  I shifted it a little sideways and said, "There, now it's blocking the *entire* aisle. That was what you were aiming for, wasn't it?"   She didn't seem to appreciate my help.
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