Rails

Villain: "UR2Die, kill the hero."
UR2Die: "You must reboot the system in order to install the latest Microsoft patch."
Villain: "That's the last time I trust an OS from another supervillain's lair..."
 
Villain: "Fire the deathray!"... "Why isn't it working?!"  <messages to engineering>
Henchman: "Service desk, Raju speaking"
Villain: "Why aren't you firing the death ray?"
Henchman: "Have you turned on the Death Ray?"
Villain: "Of course, I have."
Henchman: "Have you plugged in the Death Ray?"
Villain: "Look I designed the Death Ray, don't you think I would know if it was plugged in or not?"
Henchman: "Have you plugged in the Death Ray?"
Villain: "Its plugged in.  Look can you just run a service diagnostic"
Henchman: "Is the ready light Green?"
Villain: "Just run the service diagnostic."
Henchman: "Is the ready light Green?"
Villain: "You're just reading from a script aren't you?"
Henchman: "Is the ready light Green?"
Villain: "Last time I outsource to India..."

Opportunistic Oaf 
 

Physics final exam question: A 5 gram fig falls from the tree. Calculate the force with it hits the ground to the nearest fig-newton.

Thats why its performance keeps tapiring off

A couple of scenes I would like to see in the Black Widow movie--
 
We begin with an ending--specifically the ending of The Avengers at the shawarma scene--
 

 
An adorable little red-haired girl comes up to Natasha--

"You're one of the heroes, aren't you?"

Natasha smiles wearily. "I don't know as I'd say I was a hero--"

"Can I have your autograph?"

Natasha sighs. "Honey, I really don't think that's a--"

Then she trails off when she catches sight of Tony Stark across the table nodding his head and mouthing the words "Yes! Sign It! Come On!" She looks back at the little girl and sees the beginnings of disappointment in her eyes.

"Okay, sure," says Natasha, and takes the piece of paper the girl offers her. "What's your name?"

"Tasha."

Natasha looks at her incredulously for a moment, then thinks for a moment and writes on the paper. She hands it back to Tasha, and she reads what's written out loud.

"To Tasha--Keep Fighting The Good Fight--Best Always--The BLACK WIDOW!" Tasha's eyes light up like Times Square. "That is so cool!  I'm gonna tell all my friends I got an autograph from the Black Widow!"

She launches herself at Natasha and gives her a big hug. "Thank You, Black Widow!" As she runs off, Natasha looks after her until Stark speaks again. "You see? It feels good to get recognized for a good job."

"Especially when you've earned it," says Steve Rogers, who offers Tony his hand. "I owe you an apology. I was wrong about you."

"You don't owe me anything," replies Tony. "But you could pick up the tab."

"Sorry," smiles Steve, "I left my wallet in my other suit."

"You have another suit?" jokes Tony, and they laugh at each other while Natasha looks off thoughtfully, trying to deal with what just happened.  Scant hours before she was Natasha Romanoff, agent of SHIELD and spy without a country.  Now--she's the Black Widow, defender of New York and one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes.
 
I'd also like a scene with Melinda May.  Something in a dive bar, I think--
 
"If it isn't the Black Widow."
 
"If it isn't the Cavalry."
 
"You know I don't like that name."
 
"Don't know why.  As far as code names go, it's pretty solid.  Besides--isn't Chun Li taken?"
 
"Oh, you're funny."
 
"Thanks.  I'm thinking of a career in stand-up comedy."
 
The bartender--who bears a remarkable resemblance to Stan Lee--steps up.
 
"Ladies--whattya drinkin'?"
 
"Whiskey," they say in unison.  "Straight up."
 
"What, no vodka?" says May.
 
"What am I, a cliche?  (Switches to Russian accent) You vant I should be chasing after Moose and Squirrel, dahlink?"
 
May laughs.  "Now that's funny."
 
"I got a million of 'em."
 
Or something like that.

I bought a bouquet of flowers today for my girlfriend.  I told the florist I needed something that said "I'm sorry I yelled at you when my team was losing."  There went 90 bucks.

Is that the sale price?  My wife would buy a dead goat for $2B if you told her it was half off. 

Remember, the only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres...
Human: ...shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: ...
Dwarf: ...
Human: ...
Elf: Centaurs...

Orion's Belt is just a big waist of space.
 
 
Terrible joke. Only three stars.
 
 

Well played.

Obviously. 

This is the Jokes thread, not the State Something Really Obvious thread.
 

This is no yoke.

You need help. 
 

I wouldn't recommend driving too close behind them, either.

I'm not sure if I'd call "iconic" cover art, but how about this one from Dream Theater?  The album was originally released 11-Sep-2001, was recalled immediately and reissued with modified artwork.

Flavor.

"Staying alive, they're on your five...staying ALLIIIIVVVEE"

Ah, Susan...
 

Congratulations! But please take care of any health issues first and foremost. I want you around and writing for a long time. (The tragic loss of Balabanto has left me feeling rather protective of Hero writers.)

I apologize for nothing.