Rails

My friend: "When I die, I want my epitaph to read, Mistakes Were Made."
 
Me: "Isn't that already on your birth certificate?" 

Love the logo!!  (And I recall the incident which inspires it.)

HOF Pitcher Randy Johnson is now a professional photographer and shoots NFL games among other things. The logo on his website is unbelievable. 
 
 

Daughter: "Mom, I'm going out on a date."
 
Mother: "Who are you going out with?"
 
Daughter: "Don't judge, he is a little older than me.  It's Mike.  Our mailman."
 
Mother: "Our mailman?!  Sweetie, he isn't a little older, he could be your father!"
 
Daughter: "Mom, age is just a number."
 
Mother: "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood what I just said."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 7 years.
 
I don't want to interrupt her.

Imagine a soccer player watching? He would figure is a fictional movie.

Posted here due to crossover with hockey.
 
 

It's the Scott Monument in Edinburgh Scotland:
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Monument
 
In case I'm not the only curious one here.

I only eat chocolate periodically. 
 
 

The croutons are too big.

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, "Does this make my butt look big?"
 
I texted back "Noo!" My phone autocorrected the response to "Moo!"

Please send help.

"It is I, Collateral Damage Man!!" as we break into a mansion to liberate a captive there.

In my family, that would be considered a completely legitimate question.

Vamoose! 😀

to answer the question in the heading: "Am I typical?", the answer is no. Your a HERO player, by definition that makes you weird. Welcome to the club with the rest of us at this site.

On a train in the Soviet Union
Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
"You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here."
"Come on, that's Bolshevik! Nothing to worry about" - answer the guys.
"No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you."
The comrade snaps his fingers and says: "Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!"
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in. The two comrade are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the pranker comrade wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two comrades went.
"Oh, KGB took them last night."
The comrade asks, totally terrified: "How come, they let me off?!"
The train staff answer: "Well, Comrade Major really liked your tea prank."