Rails

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
 
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells “I'm looking for the man who had sex with my wife!”
Everybody’s silent for a second until someone at the back of the bar yells “Mate, you ain’t got enough bullets!”

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor
 
At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

This just in:  A man has been stealing wheels off of local police cars.
 
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.
 
I only have a nine iron but I still got it over the shed.

No. THIS is a grate sword!

My sister-in-law has a knack for distorting common expressions, but in a way where you can see the logic in how she got there. My favorites:
 
"Shoot Bill" instead of "fire at will."
 
"Hindsight is 50-50."
 
and
 
"It ain't over 'til the fat lady's dead."

While watching Into the Spiderverse, my daughter sang:
 
"Spider-Dad.  Spider-Dad.
Tells some jokes.
They all are bad."

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
 
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?
 
 
Because he always gets stuck at Chapter 11.

>’Enter new password‘
 
~ 'chicken'
 
‘Password must contain a capital’

~ 'chickenkiev'

A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
 
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
 
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?”
 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
 
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
 
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'