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Everything posted by Pariah

  1. Maybe you should go to Peter, Paul & Mary's hardware store and get a hammer.
  2. I was just casually glancing at point spreads for the day, and the biggest one is Army/UConn. Army is favored by 34.5. If you're a five touchdown underdog to a triple option team, you've got problems.
  3. It's no longer trying to take over Stargate Command.
  4. Governor Abbott is, as far as I can tell, a science-denying Right-wing nutjob conspiracy theorist jackass who sees himself as a possible heir to Donald Trump's followers. I believe the school district was not just right, but morally obligated to try to find a way to defy the order. I applaud them for doing so.
  5. Q: Do you really call your .50 caliber Desert Eagle pistol "The Truth"? A: It blew him right out of the world!
  6. I dislike any bagel that involves onion. That includes the ubiquitous Everything bagel. The grocery store across the street from my school used to sell sun-dried tomato bagels, which I loved. But apparently I was the only one, because they discontinued them. Well, they got a new baker who decided to dig up some of the old recipes and experiment with them. So when I went in one day, they had sun-dried tomato bagels again! Naturally I bought one...only to discover that she had decided to add onion to the recipe. Most disappointing bagel of my life.
  7. I'm not certain whether I mentioned this earlier or not, but Mountain Dew. If you ever see me drinking Mountain Dew of any variety, you should assume that I have been abducted and replaced with a clone, alien, robot, or LMD. Call S.H.I.E.L.D. if this happens.
  8. This is an almost perfect description of my Dad's cooking when I was young. Fortunately, he got a lot better over the years.
  9. Well, the clouds were rollin’ in and I was drivin’ When the grapevine broke the news Over Trail Creek it was snowin’ I was hopin’ that the rumor wasn’t true Then silence filled the air Like there would never be another sound again Tears came to my eyes I felt like I had lost my dearest friend Tom was a friend of mine We’d known each other most of our lives We used to hang out all the time Tom was a friend of mine It’s impossible to put to words The way he always seemed to understand How you felt like he was sittin’ there Just shootin’ straight and talkin’ man to man And I’m thankful that I got to see him At his very best from time to time And I pray that we may meet again someday Somewhere farther down the line Tom was a friend of mine We’d known each other most of our lives We used to hang out all the time Tom was a friend of mine Say hi to Spike and Lefty When you reach the great beyond And I hope you’re somewhere you feel free Where you belong Tom was a friend of mine We’d known each other most of our lives We used to hang out all the time Tom was a friend of mine We’d known each other most of our lives He wrote a lot of songs with me in mind Tom was a friend of mine
  10. In the joy of the new season We’d ride our bikes for miles To a vacant lot on Maple street Toss the bat and choose up sides All summer long from dusk till dawn We all paid our dues Everybody was The Babe I was always 42 As the jerseys faded one my one The Babes would come and go I played every inning From the sandlot to the show Got my letter and my grip I’ll see you boys around I got a one way ticket to Cooperstown My ticket’s punched to Cooperstown His rookie year they called him up Just to send him down Couldn’t even hit his weight Couldn’t turn that thing around But on the field that echoes life It’s a boy’s game played by men Sometimes it knocks you down But you get back up again He’s got his number He’s got his grip He’s followin’ a sound Destiny is callin’ from Cooperstown These wheels are bound for Cooperstown Well I learned to play down in Triple-A And they gave me one more shot Skip said take the ball kid, touch ‘em all Gotta give it all you got So, I played ‘er one game at a time And that was all it took Just like Jack I never looked back And the rest is in the books There ain’t nothin’ I can’t do Just like 42 What goes around Comes around These wheels are bound for Cooperstown These wheels are bound for Cooperstown
  11. Q: "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Unless you're actually poor, or you have dark skin, in which case you can **** off. A: We'll fix it in the mix.
  12. Sounds convenient. I'll take three. Glow-in-the-dark reversible underpants.
  13. Reading these jokes makes me feel like I just got the shaft.
  14. Really? Colorado State? American targeting Mountain West powers among handful of expansion candidates in realignment
  15. Speaking of the Giants and Washington, it occurs to me that seven wins might be enough to take the division. Meaning we could have a team with 10 losses in the playoffs. Stay tuned!
  16. Q: Hey buddy, can you spare 50,000 quatloos? A: When you said the new boss was a bonehead, I didn't think you meant it literally.
  17. Oh my God Becky, look at her butt It is so big, she looks like One of those rap guys' girlfriends But, ya know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because She looks like a total prostitute, okay? I mean, her butt, it's just so big Uh, I can't believe it's just so round, it's like out there I mean, uh, gross, look She's just so, black I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung, want to pull up tough 'Cause you noticed that butt was stuffed Deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha And take your picture My homeboys tried to warn me But that butt you got makes (me, me so horny) Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin You say you want to get in my Benz? Well, use me, use me 'Cause you ain't that average groupie I've seen her dancin' To hell with romancin' She's sweat, wet Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette I'm tired of magazines Sayin' flat butts are the thing Take the average black man and ask him that She gotta pack much back So, fellas (yeah) fellas (yeah) Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah) Tell 'em to shake it (shake it) shake it (shake it) Shake that healthy butt Baby got back (L.A. face with the Oakland booty) Baby got back (L.A. face with the Oakland booty) (L.A. face with the Oakland booty) I like 'em round, and big And when I'm throwin' a gig I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal Now here's my scandal I wanna get ya home And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh I ain't talkin' bout Playboy 'Cause silicone parts are made for toys I want 'em real thick and juicy So find that juicy double Mix-a-lot's in trouble Beggin' for a piece of that bubble So I'm lookin' at rock videos Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes You can have them bimbos I'll keep my women like Flo Jo A word to the thick soul sistas, I want to get with ya I won't cuss or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna (uh) 'Til the break of dawn Baby got it goin' on A lot of simps won't like this song 'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it And I'd rather stay and play 'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong And I'm down to get the friction on So, ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah) If you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah) Then turn around, stick it out Even white boys got to shout Baby got back Baby got back Yeah, baby, when it comes to females Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six Ha ha, only if she's 5'3 So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda My anaconda don't want none Unless you've got buns, hun You can do side bends or sit-ups But please don't lose that butt Some brothers want to play that hard role And tell you that the butt ain't gold So they toss it and leave it And I pull up quick to retrieve it So Cosmo says you're fat Well I ain't down with that 'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin' And I'm thinkin' bout stickin' To the beanpole dames in the magazines You ain't it, Miss Thing Give me a sista, I can't resist her Red beans and rice didn't miss her Some knucklehead tried to diss 'Cause his girls are on my list He had game but he chose to hit 'em And I pull up quick to get wit 'em So ladies, if the butt is round And you want a triple X throwdown Dial 1-900-MIXALOT And kick them nasty thoughts Baby got back Baby got back
  18. Who can stop de-evolution of the human race? Look at you, Corporate America, you're in disgrace Globalize; cigarettes, business jets, you love it Maximize; but you can take your bottom line and shove it Gotta get away (gotta get away) Gotta get away, but I need a little help tonight What 'ya gonna say (what 'ya gonna say) What 'ya gonna say when you never even seen the light See the light Corporate America, look out, look out Corporate America, who's gonna save us, who's gonna save us now? You and I; DVDs, SUVs and cyberspace Flying blind, virtual reality is in our face This Earth desecrated by the human race Now what's it worth? When do we evacuate to outer space? Corporate America, look out, look out Corporate America, who's gonna save us, who's gonna save us now? I see the future in the past Just took the corner way too fast, the reckless ride of modern man Flattened everything that stands Fooled by the sales pitch for progress at a dizzy pace We idolize the filthy rich for giving us synthetic taste Computer calls, urban sprawl Is the world a better place, is the world a better place? Fare thee well, global extinction's forever So what the hell, order your Mercedes in leather Veal crates, ozone holes, and toxic waste And don't count out religious hate Who can survive this manmade fate? Gotta get away Gotta get away, and I need a little help tonight What 'ya gonna say Wha 'ya gonna say when you couldn't even see the light See the light Yeah
  19. Every day she gets a little weaker The beauty she once knew has come and gone We've murdered all her sons and all her daughters The blood is on your hands, the time has come And now she's gonna die We've strangled all her trees and starved her creatures There's poison in the sea and in the air But worst of all we've learned to live without her We've lost the very meaning of our lives And now she's gonna die Once she ruled the earth with love and wisdom But we were much too smart to live her way With greed and lust we tried to rise above her The ignorance of man will reach an end 'Cause now we're gonna die
  20. "My soul belongs to my wife. If you want to fight her for it, be my guest. (Sucker.)"
  21. I'm projecting him as a second day draft pick of the Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders whenever he graduates / declares.
  22. Because of course he would. Lane Kiffin asks ESPN for Peyton, Eli Manning to broadcast Tennessee, Ole Miss football game To be fair, this might actually entice me to watch an $EC game for once.
  23. Mayim Bialik, Ken Jennings to fill in as 'Jeopardy!' hosts for rest of 2021 after Mike Richards exit
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