Lawnmower Boy

Old houses have so many ways to communicate that I'm amazed that This Old Sentient House is choosing paintings. Bo-o--ring. When my not-so-old house has a beef with me, well . . . -Enjoy your randomly varying shower temperature, loser! If you're really observant, you'll notice that you're being scalded and frozen in Morse code. --The Internet? No, I don't know where it went, either. You can have it back if you promise to look at the homepage your browser was just mysteriously reset to. What can I say? The router is me. --Yes, that mysterious cold draft sure is mysterious. Hey, did you notice the pages that I just blew all over the floor? Because I spent a long time picking them. Read 'em. Now. Before the roof develops a leak. --It sure is snug and warm and cozy in here ever since you updated security. Look, if you're going to be as dumb as Pavlov's dog, I have your dinner bowl and a bell right here.

Oh, come on. Would you do business with Pleet Roodlepleen?

It knows what it did. Now it has to deal with the hard water border.

I bought it and had a look through it. I'm not one to read adventure supplements cover to cover, but I've had an unscratched itch for the kind of fantasy-forest adventure that I want to see since forever. Unfortunately, no mind-reading writers have given me that. Adrian Selby recently tried with his novel, The Winter Road, which reinforced the itch. Anyway, long story short, bought Evermist. I would describe it as a "forest dungeon." It's a big area of mist-enshrouded forest that repays careful exploration. The adventure is a bit cliched. Strange forces attack the Keep on the Borderlands MIstguard, and the PCs have to plunge into the depths of the forest to find out what's what. There are random encounters, programmed encounters, and a boss dungeon with a boss boss at the end. But the setting is good, the homebrewed monsters appropriate, and I like the attention paid to the NPCs. The setting makes some effort to encourage skill-centric play, and if this were an old-time D&D supplement, it would introduce some potentially setting-busting new "skill monkey" rules. But we don't do that in Hero, so pooh on that. (Seriously, it's a strength that's a weakness.) It definitely needs a million gold Cronkheits dropped on quality art, and I will keep DOJ in mind when my startup* is bought out by Google. *It's a handy app that tells you when the next bus is coming. Best thing about it is that it doesn't use up phone charge because, get this, it's on paper. I call it "the bus schedule," and it has about a million times more utility than Google+, so I've got high hopes.

Yeah. But not like this one. Like the one in my head. Make the one in my head, guys, and I'll buy it. (I'd tell you what it looks like, but that'd take away the challenge.)

. . . And I found this.

You know, if you guys would just immediately buy your kids everything they ask for, this wouldn't be a problem! #notallgrocerystores In all honesty, as an outside observer of toddler tantrums, the actual cause isn't the thing they're tantruming over. And if it is low blood sugar, which it often is, some candy or a banana can be a lifesaver.

They have public schools in Mexico now?

Late to the party, but I enjoyed it, and now understand why it made Hermit . . . Wait. Was I following the conversation correctly?

Speaking of, three prices from April 1949: Charter air holiday flight round trip flight to the island of Madeira and back to Britain: £85, or a hair above $420; Brand new 1949 Packard with all the trimmings: $2450; Average house price: $14,500; Average wage: $3600. After closely examining these figures from my reading, I have come to the only possible conclusion: Things cost different amounts at different times. It's a funny old world. But I wouldn't mind it if the average house still cost four years average salary.

Yay! I survived the 22 hour day off, and now get to enjoy the 53 hour day off! Good thing that science has found that a constantly varying sleep schedule is the key to longevity, clarity of thought and typing witonboni4qo

Professor Paradigm is upset at reality. Why don't people understand that this isn't the way things are supposed to be? Art! Art is the mirror. Here are some great installations to try in your city. i) Professor Paradigm is upset about commuting. Driving too and from work takes up far too much time in people's lives. It's ridiculous, and it can't go on. So let's give this futility some meaning! Crack all those onboard computers, take control of the cars, and turn evening drivetime into a ballet that can be viewed from orbit. You'll probably need a few drastic measures like driving a few columns of cars into oncoming traffic and such, but the sacrifices are well worth it. ii) Speaking of long commutes Professor Paradigm is upset about all those speculator-owned, vacant homes downtown. Homes are for people! And there are powers . . . Which is how those leafy inner suburbs of your city came to be overrun by animated homes, chasing people down the street and . . . I guess not exactly eating them. In fact, 4067 Maple Street's got two people stuffed headfirst in two cute north-facing dormers .(Jennie Oruma and Kyle Schwarzberger. You can tell because Jen was so happy about her black flats that she posted them on Instagram. That's how you can tell that the screaming and the waving feet are Jennie. Kyle's just wearing trainers, but he's screaming, too, so there's that.) Tudor-inspired has heard that "first comes marriage," so now it's chasing Reverend McAlister. Dan is booting it down the street as fast as he can, but Tudor-inspireds are pretty lively houses as these things go. (It's got good lines, not like that blocky modernist down the block that's given up on families and is just trying to get a few seniors. Don't let the walker fool you. Mrs. Pallavicini is spry! Well, spryer than a glass-and-concrete house with exposed beams. Once again, Modernist House curses its own timely fashionableness. It'll never have a family.) Can your team stop Tudor-inspired before it shoves the Rev in the kitchen window and goes looking for a baby carriage? Maybe. But you probably want to avoid that big brownstone over there. It's heard that there's a superteam looking for a new home . . .

Since this one is slipping down the lists, I thought I'd pop in and mention how much I like the title. 'Dearthwood" is cool. I will also plug Selby's Winter Road, which plays with the idea of a protagonist going into a dearthwood and trying to fix it, although perhaps not delivering completely.

Explosives are always the answer to removing eyesores.

We do! Questions like: --With all the advances in technology, why does belly button lint still happen? --Who likes the juice you squeeze out of cans of tuna as much as cats? --Does anyone else think that Oreo cookies are actually kinda cardboard-y? --Who writes this stuff?