Tim

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
I'm asking the Forums for positive thoughts and good wishes to come my way. Friday morning, I have an interview for a Supervisory position at work. If I get it, will mean a pay raise and and 8hr job.

Re: A Thread for Random Mooings
 
from Irregular Webcomic
 

Everybody likes jokes. Here is a thread to post your favorite or most recently heard jokes. Here's one I heard today:
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now"

Re: Jokes
 
Purina diet
 
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).
 
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants
pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
 
I told her " No; I'd been sitting in the street licking my "privates" and was hit by a car.

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
Hmmm. Several Billboards around here have been purchased by a local hospital to show a picture of one of the Doctors (each one has a different doc) and the words "I Hate Cancer!"
 
I can't help but think when I see the billboards, "What did he do to all these doctors?"

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

 
I have that on a bumper sticker

Re: Jokes
 
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
 
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
 
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much info as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
 
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
info. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
 
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the info density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in info density; for now, BOOKs
with more info simply use more pages.
 
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering info
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
 
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected info for instant retrieval.
 
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
 
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
 
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

Re: The Last Word
 
An interesting side note. In a good chunk of the lower Mississippi River flood plain, the soil can be 1/2 a mile of more deep before you hit bedrock.
.

Re: The Last Word
 
By all that is holy, I thought turkeys could fly.

Re: Jokes
 
Three Clergymen & A Bear
 
 
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi were chaplains to the students of a Northern
Michigan University and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
 
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
" Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read
to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came
to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
 
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Re: Jokes
 
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
 
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
 
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much info as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
 
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
info. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
 
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the info density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in info density; for now, BOOKs
with more info simply use more pages.
 
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering info
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
 
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected info for instant retrieval.
 
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
 
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
 
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon

Re: Make Your Own Motivational Poster
 

Re: Jokes
 
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
 
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
 
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
 
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go; I didn't realize you were a cop."

Re: Answers & Questions
 

Q: Open up, man. It's me, Dave. I got the stuff.
 
A: Dave's not hear, man.

Re: Jokes
 
ohn was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young Hens (pullets), and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
 
 
 
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
 
 
 
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
 
 
 
John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
 
 
 
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
 
 
 
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
 
 
 
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
 
 
 
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
 
 
 
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Re: NGD Scenes from a Hat
 

They work for Herd Thinners Inc.

Re: Answers & Questions
 

Q: Okay, where is the Q-39 space Madulator?
 
A: I'm not going to try it.

Re: Superhero Images
 
I think I figured out what was wrong with the eyes.. I was applying the wrong lightning model to them... should be less weird now I hope:

Re: Storn's Art & Characters thread.
 
Gotta love superhero physics! I've done Sonya here before, but the patron wanted another shot, this time, tanks for the memories!
 

 
btw, Checkmate, thank you... that painting is one of my personal favs.

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
I got this from these boards but the link (from the Old Boards) isn't working so I'm posting them again. Hope you get a smile.
 
 
Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Lovecraft...
 
Irrational fear is a God-given gift. Listen to your inner snivelling coward.
 
If you inherit an ancient house from a distant relative, burn it down for the insurance money no matter what riches the will promises if you move in.
 
Never read aloud, especially if the text is in a language other than modern English.
 
No matter how cute she is, never date the captain of the Innsmouth High School swim team.
 
If you hear a strange noise and your pet runs for cover, follow it.
 
Don't swim off Devil's Reef.
 
If you find unusual geometric markings on the floor of your newly aquired colonial house, redecorate (quickly)!
 
Don't go in the attic/cellar/old barn/hidden passageway.
 
Distrust strangers with expressionless, immobile faces, especially if they wear archaic clothing.
 
Curiosity killed the cat -- and your scholarly great-uncle, and his cleaning woman, and his next-door neighbor.
 
Install electric lighting.
 
Life's a beach, then you mutate.
 
Those ten-foot cone things in the basement are NOT part of mansion's heating or plumbing systems. Stay away from them.
 
If a friend or relative doesn't seem like himself, he isn't.
 
Why don't you skip that overseas expedition and subscribe to National Geographic instead?
 
Let the Arkham County sheriff investigate. That's what you're paying taxes for.
 
There is no need to repeat onself. If the word Hastur makes no sense the first time, it won't make any on the second. What could make the third time different?
 
When you are reading your late uncles diary and he talks about unspeakable horrors that are stealing his soul, it is never too soon to run screaming from the house.
 
Some colors really are evil.
 
Don't stay in any rooms whose corners meet at strange angles.
 
If you receive a strange book or manuscript in the mail from a relative you barely know, don't read it at night under bright starlight. Go to a crowded park or mall at noon and read it there.
 
If you find yourself in a town in the middle of nowhere that appears to have been forgotten by time, and one of the residents advises you to leave, take his advice.
 
Carry a flashlight at all times. In fact, carry a whole bunch. Carry bright halogen surefires, unbreakable LED flashlights, and million candle spotlights like in the X-Files. Tie them to your body so you don't lose them. And check the batteries.
 
If you find a bricked up opening/doorway, leave it blocked.
 
STAY AWAY FROM THE WELL!!!
 
Don't feed the ghouls.
 
Before you dismiss local tradition as "old wives' tales," recall that old wives are frequently correct.
 
Yes, Virginia, there is a Cthulhu.
 
Archaeology and library science are hazardous, stressful careers. Choose something safer, such as NASCAR racing or the U.S. Marines.
 
If an exotic men's fraternal organization opens in that old, abandoned church, politely refuse its membership drive and volunteer as a Scout master instead.
 
Should you insist on dating the captain of the Innsmouth High School swim team, avoid movies such as "The Little Mermaid," "Creature From the Black Lagoon," or "Jaws."
 
MS doesn't always mean muscular schlerosis, sometimes it means something -really- bad like Miskatonic State or Microsoft Software.
 
If you decide that all of this well intended advice must be ignored in a particular case, always investigate with someone who cannot run as fast as you.
 
As horrible as those old books are, volunteer to read them over investigating the odd light in the swamp, in-bred hill-billies, haunted house, or dubious new cult.
 
Don't eat the native cuisine of any foreign tribe whose name you cannot pronounce.
 
Cremation, its cheap, clean and protects you from unpleasant post-mortem surprises.

Re: Jokes
 
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
 
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
 
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much info as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
 
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
info. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
 
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the info density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in info density; for now, BOOKs
with more info simply use more pages.
 
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering info
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
 
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected info for instant retrieval.
 
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
 
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
 
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon

Re: A Thread For Random Links
 
"The Touch" from the Transformers Movie.
 
Video
 
Download

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Not from the game itself, but from a hypothetical situation ...
 
"You know, it's disturbingly easy to imagine some members of the Legion of Doom bashing down the door to a hero's HQ, levelling their weapons or powers or whatever at them, then calmly intoning, 'We're on a mission from Grodd'."

Re: "Neat" Pictures
 

 
Actually the "Black Knights" Plane is an F/A-18 F Super Hornet. If you look under the wing you will notice that the intakes are squared off, distinguishing it visually from the previous versions of the two-seat F-18. This is marked as a Navy or Marine Corps aircraft, if it was Air Force, the tails would not be in contrasting colors, they would be the same color as the rest of the airplane. Also the squadron nickname would not be on an Air Force plane, but the Navy and Marines do that stuff. The rondel under the cockpit, which I assume was what was referred to as an Air Force marking, is a United States marking, found on all United States military aircraft, USAF, USN, USMC or USA. Just to clear up any confusion.