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New Hero

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    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    There are many bad places to be in the Shadowrun universe. Anywhere in Australia, for example. Or in the Ork Underground, while wearing a Humanis Policlub badge. But of all the bad places to be, on the 118th floor of a corporate skyscraper, with a pissed off Great Dragon on one side, and a Special Forces killteam and a helicopter gunship on the other, has to be somewhere near the top of the list.

    Some might argue that the dragon being nominally on our side improves our odds, but that still puts us right in the middle of the crossfire.

    Warhammer: The dragon's on our side?
    Felix: He did offer to pay us a quarter-mil nuyen, so he seems favourably inclined. Unless the kill-team is his plan not to pay.
    Inkubus: Dragons do come up with plots so convoluted they meet themselves coming around corners.

    Inkubus: I'm sorry but I think this is a problem my dick cannot handle.
    Greenlight: Well you're just not trying then, are you?

    For the time being, Celedyr just stands there, roaring his rage at this effrontery.

    Inkubus: What is he doing?
    Titus: He's Charging His Laser

    Luckily for us, the squad of troopers seems a little alarmed to discover that one of their targets is a dragon, and even the lieutenant's full clip of armour-piercing rounds does nothing more than irritate the reptilian.

    At least the kill-team team don't have all the armour they might do.

    Inkubus: This is the UK. 'Armoured bodysuit? Why do you need that? It's not like anybody has guns.'
    Felix: 'I'm going pub-crawling. In Glasgow.'
    Greenlight: 'Good luck with that.'

    Titus appears to agree with the maxim 'If all fails, try a frontal assault'. He leaps across the gap between the skyscraper and the chopper. Greenlight hitches a lift. Titus lands spread across the cockpit, and grins unpleasantly at the pilot.

    Inkubus: Hey! Looks like someone else is trying the power of the D! 'Excuse me while I hump this helicopter'

    Titus flexes some muscles and tears off the helicopter door's hinges. Greenlight, clinging to Titus' back, leans over the troll's shoulder and pulls the doors off.

    Pilot: Jesus fuck!
    Greenlight: Hi!
    Felix OoC: You just missed the perfect opportunity to say 'Get out'

    Greenlight: Getting a troll in your rotor blades is not good.
    Warhammer: Getting a troll on your windshield isn't good either, to be honest.

    Celedyr responds to this poorly planned assassination attempt by fireballing the entire kill-squad. Happily, most of us have already dropped behind the lab tables when their grenades and ammo cook off.

    Outside the skyscraper, on the wildly bucking helicopter, Greenlight drops an unprimed grenade between the pilot's legs. He panics and attempts to bail out. Titus helps. Greenlight climbs in.

    Greenlight: Don't worry, Titus, I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator
    Titus: That only has planes!
    Greenlight: I modded it!
    Titus: So you made up your own controls for helicopters.
    Greenlight: Yes. Now where's the mouse...

    They still manage to land the helicopter on a lower skyscraper roof, and hurry to strip it of anything valuable. After all, they'll make nice souvenirs.

    Greenlight: I got a medikit!
    Titus: *wrench* I got a minigun!

    Celedyr: I have an idea who is behind this. I will tolerate no delay. Get on.
    Inkubus: *picking up the cowering Felix by the scruff* Think of it this way Bubbles – either you fly on the dragon or you can explain to Security why you're leaving without the man who escorted you up.
    Greenlight OoC: And why the 118th floor is on fire.

    Greenlight thinks the sight of the dragon and her teammates flying out from the inferno is the best thing ever.

    Greenlight: This is the greatest day of my life. I'm not even sure I'm real anymore. Is this a dream?

    Inkubus is sitting up on the back throwing devil horns and screaming 'YEAAAAAH!!!!!'. Felix is just screaming. This will make for a memorable selfie.

    Inkubus: Don't we need to lodge a flight plan? Oh wait – dragon.
    Greenlight: What's the in-flight entertainment like?
    Inkubus: We're on a dragon!

    The dragon heads east, over the North Sea and multiple countries.

    Greenlight: I never thought I say this, but flying on a dragon can actually get boring.
    Inkubus: Look down.
    Celedyr: I have a secondary lair in Berlin. *chuckles* It's right under Lofwyr's nose.
    Felix, Labrat, Titus, Greenlight : burst into 'We're all gonna die' tears
    Warhammer: hysterical laughter Funny guy!
    Inkubus: just laughing I love this guy!

    Celedyr lands in a field outside Berlin, and a hillside opens to reveal his secret research base.

    Felix: At least they aren't wearing anti-static wigs.
    Labrat: Purple anti-static wigs.

    Celedyr: Rest. I'll be back in a very few moments.
    Greenlight: That doesn't sound ominous at all.
    Titus: If he wants us dead we're done for.
    Felix: If he wants us dead no-one will ever find the bodies.
    Labrat: You're being optimistic that there will even be bodies.

    Titus: There's an entire proverb about doing deals with dragons!
    Greenlight: When he's got you over a barrel you may as well hear him out!

    Felix is still certain that we've just gotten involved in a powerplay between two Great Dragons, but even when you're that completely fucked, what can you do? You can't run fast enough to escape the blast zone anyway. Celedyr wants us to go to Bavaria to pick up an overdue book and drop off a valise. The book is called the Pandaemonicus Faustus.

    Labrat: That does not sound like a good title at all!
    Inkubus: Pandaemonicus Faustus? We know what a Faustian deal is, we're Shadowrunners!

    It has a very Metal cover.

    Inkubus: No good will come of this.

    Felix: Does anybody want to ask what this errand has to do with the assassination attempt?
    Inkubus: Probably nothing. Dragon.

    We initially express our disinclination to accept this commission, despite an offer to quintuple our pay, and Celedyr's obvious displeasure does nothing to reassure us. Our hurried admission that we COULD do the job if we had a translator at least enables us to dodge THAT bullet.

    Greenlight: Never make a deal with a dragon unless he's very very insistent. And standing right in front of you.

    The destination is the Schloss Munchmaussen. At this time of year, it can only be reached by cable car.

    Felix: I've seen that movie.
    Inkubus: Yeah. The guy with metal teeth bites through the cable.

    GM: You've going to Latveria to steal a book from Doctor Doom.
    Inkubus: No – we're going to buy it without his knowledge.

    We're to meet one Goldie in Bavaria.

    Warhammer: How attractive is she?
    Greenlight: And this is why we need a translator. Warhammer can speak German. We just don't want him to.

    We arrive at the village of Munchmaussen, which is so stereotypically Bavarian, complete with lederhosen, that all it's missing is a Childcatcher.

    Felix: I fucking told you – they're aliens, and they're turning Earth into a theme park.
    Greenlight: Well, I give them full marks on the dragon ride anyway.

    Greenlight: The miniature village of Munchmaussen.
    Inkubus: We represent, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild...

    Inkubus: I'm in Hell.
    Titus: It's basically Anti-metal, isn't it? Felix, know any illusion spells?
    Felix: Well, Physical Mask – I could disguise Inkubus as a Von Trapp if I must.

    Inkubus tries to promote at least something Metal, in sheer mental self-defence, and the complete failure of his Mob Arousal leaves him traumatised.

    Inkubus: The Hell? What the Hell? The Hell?
    Greenlight: Nevermind Inkubus, it happens to lots of guys...

    Inkubus: This place has drained me of all my mojo.

    However, we eventually realise that there are an awful lot of guard-posts around. And everybody seems to be acting happy.

    Inkubus: Welcome to Germanyworld.
    Warhammer: Are you going to give us vodka?
    Greenlight: That would be Moscowland, next door. 'Occasionally we have dance-offs' sings 'Mos-Co! Mos-Co!'

    Greenlight: Wait, why aren't Russian Power Rangers a thing?! Think about it, the dancing, the music, the bears. It'd be awesome. Of course, all of the zords would need a dash cam; then you'd KNOW they were Russian!
    Warhammer: 6th ranger would come from Chernobyl; he glows in the dark.

    Goldie, back at the hotel, locks the door, drops the facade, the act, and the accent.

    Titus: --Pulls of the hair extensions and reveals that he was ME, DIO!
    GM: No

    She is American. And warns us to be very careful and to not overly rock the boat in the little tourist town from hell.

    Goldie: Your luggage (our weaponry and equipment, smuggled across the border on our behalf) is on the table
    Warhammer: *maniacal laugher, grabbing ensues*

    Goldie: You're going to need to get into the castle
    Greenlight: I would presume so. Unless he leaves his book out in the street. That'd make it real easy for us.

    Goldie tells us that there are three ways into the castle. 1) using the skylift to the castle (Greenlight looks at party: lol no), 2) Up the cliff (Titus likes! Very Skyrim), 3) Through the front door (Titus liking intensifies)

    Felix: Is there any way we can use a boat to get in? They've helped every other time.

    Felix: Does the Baron have a daughter?
    GM: No
    Inkubus: Mother?
    Titus: Sister?
    Felix: Maiden Aunt?
    Inkubus:... Schnauzer?

    Titus: So we can't use a boat.
    Felix: Or a boner.

    Titus: Okay, sneaking or kicking in the door.
    Greenlight: Sneaking please.
    Inkubus: We can always fall back on kicking the door in if we sneak. The reverse is problematic.

    Felix: We're assaulting the Disney castle. You know, if we ever tell anybody that this week we flew on a dragon, then -
    Inkubus: - and then infiltrated a Disney castle complete with all the minarets and shit, they'd think we were tripping balls. And so do we. It wasn't until we saw the fistful of credsticks we're holding we realised 'that really happened'.

    Actually, climbing up to the castle isn't that difficult – Titus' sheer strength would enable him to climb greased sheetmetal, and he brought plenty of pitons and rope.

    Greenlight: I'm pretty sure if the dwarf had a minigun it would be less a minigun then bullet-fuelled rocket pack.
    Warhammer: It'd be awesome though.

    Meanwhile, Inkubus is wandering invisibly around time provoking a riot with surreptitious applications of Mob Mood.

    Townsperson: I can't live like this anymore! I'm not even German! I'm actually Russian!
    Felix: 'I'm a refugee from Moscowland!'
    Greenlight: 'My entire life is a lie!' sing and dances the cossack

    Halfway up the cliff, a missile blows something out of the sky. We freeze, but apparently they haven't noticed us yet.

    Warhammer: Must be Inkubus' distraction.
    Inkubus: Could be – I'm not sure how they'll react to having a lifetime of frustration unleashed.
    Greenlight: 'Oh Franz! We must consummate our love for each other! Even though you are my sister!'
    Felix: 'Sister'?!

    Greenlight stun-batons the first security mook in the groin. Which might seem cruel but at least is better then Titus reaching up and throwing him over his shoulder. Felix summons his bound Air Elemental to conceal us and we stroll into the Schloss pretty much undetectable. Inkubus' spell-work is working even better than we could have hoped.

    Felix: And in the valley below, Munchmaussen is on fire.
    Greenlight: And a small child has a guard's head on a pike and screaming “Viva la Revolution!'
    Titus: And speaking French, for some reason.

    Greenlight: I'm half expecting Donald Duck among them, for some reason.

    As the castle guards rush down the mountain to suppress the rioting, we enter the building, looking for the study and the book. The secure elevator does indeed have two gaurds inside, but when they stick their heads out to see while the doors just opened for no reason, it's childishly simple for Titus and Greenlight to punch them unconscious. After THAT, getting the book is no difficulty. Well, apart from the fact that the book is a fake. And that the Baron was waiting.

    Baron: So. That is what you were after. I am disappointed. Guards!

    Four elementals emerge from the fireplace.

    Felix: In a library? Is he insane?
    Greenlight: Well, it's not our fault then. Warhammer – light it up.
    Warhammer: maniacal laughter

    GM: I can just imagine Inkubus telling this story drunk at a party.
    Inkubus: “And then we rode the dragon."
    Drunk friend: “Duuude, I know you're into some kinky shit, but a 7-way? With a DRAGON?!”
  2. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    The enemies of the Imperium are many, but a great many of them are servants of the Chaos Gods. Which is ironic, as many of them rebelled against the Imperium because they refused to bow down to the crushing tyranny, and most Chaos worshippers end up dead or mewling Chaos Spawn anyway.

    Cassius: A space marine psyker, formerly of the Storm Crows, and now forging his own path to 'save humanity'. His increasing mutations include wings, an aura of crawling black fire, and permanent fusion with his power armour.
    Aladar van Rijn: A former Rogue Trader, who made a few unwise business decisions and ended up in the Screaming Vortex. Already severely mutated, but still human externally.
    Cog: A Heretek, and one of Cassius' most useful minions, especially given his knowledge of arms, armour, and genetek.
    Jrska: Born mutant, and a joyfully perverse devotee of Slaanesh. Hyena-headed beastwoman, a skilled liar, and seductress. Even of Imperial battle-nuns.

    Pre-game chat includes discussion of a Pathfinder game where Cassius' player's PC recently concluded a search for his unknown father.

    Cassius' player: I was a bastard.
    Me: But Tony, all your characters are bastards.
    Cassius’ Player: No, this one was an actual bastard.
    Peanut Gallery: A legitimate bastard XD

    Cassius’ player: He’s Neutral Evil - i.e. PC.

    Other loot from the Ardent Crown - astrographic charts apparently recording the movements of Eldar Craftworlds - invaluable intel - and a casket and signet ring combo that apparently makes the casket and its contents completely invisible to all but the wearer. This could be VERY useful.

    Jrska: Cog, sweety? What’s this?
    Cog: Hmm? Sorry, you caught me in the middle of mathematics.
    Jrska: Tech-priest recreation.
    Cog OoC: Fourplay XD

    Evidently the Chaos Powers have been pouring knowledge into Aladar's lobes, along with daemonic clockwork.

    Aladar: I’m now ridiculously competent.
    Jrska: And here is proof that Chaos can warp the very laws of Reality.
    Cassius: Hmm?
    Jrska: Aladar is now competent.
    Cassius: Mroowwwl!

    Saucer of milk for Table Three.

    Our GM decides NOT to replay out the torture of the Farseer. This squeamishness may be because he doesn’t want to know what Jrska can come up with. Either way, Cassius does rip enough out of the xeno’s mind to learn the secrets of Eldar divination. This is extremely bad news for the Eldar, and everybody else, frankly. But it doesn't take divination to note that Aladar is on the downward spiral that consumes most champions of Chaos - his physical and spiritual corruption is outpacing his infamy. It's very likely he will soon devolve into a mewling Chaos Spawn.

    Jrska: Don't worry, my lord, I'll still keep him. Mmm, tentacles.

    Cassius: Tell me, mutant - why were you willing to leave Aldar behind?
    Jrska: He doesn't think I'm pretty anymore, my lord.
    Cassius: Right.

    This sort of backstabbing is precisely the sort of thing that wrecks most Black Crusades. Cassius decides the Ritual of Entangled Destiny might be in order - if one of us ever finds himself in such a situation that they need to appeal to the Ruinous Powers to survive, their eldritch attention will be directed to the entire group. This is rarely healthy, but entirely to be expected when the gods really can't tell most mortals apart, anyway. And it's a very good incentive not to backstab party members.

    Anyway - the Chains of Judgement has finally found and entered the star system with that mysterious alien psychic beacon, and its attendant garrison of Horus Heresy-era Space Marines. One of the first things we learn is that they still have working spacecraft, which gives them a major tactical advantage. On the other hand, if they really have been isolated for that long, then they don't know how the Horus Heresy unfolded, or that the Imperium devolved into a brutal theocracy after the Emperor slew Horus, or just how far the Traitor Legions went in their alliance with the Ruinous Powers. Of course, the entire Heresy could have been avoided if the Emperor had actually trusted his Primarch creations, and the Primarchs hadn't had an entire graphic novel's worth of Daddy issues.

    Cassius: We have to go wake the Emperor, then slap him. “You may have been a great man, but you were a terrible father.”

    One of the system ships promptly moves to intercept us, demanding to know who we are, and warning us away from the asteroid belt of wrecked starships - many of them suspiciously reminiscent of Necrontyr tech. The ship is the Iron Pride, and bears a very odd mixture of iconography - the Loyalist Ultramarines and Imperial Fists, and the Traitor Iron Warriors. Jrska wonders how to announce ourselves, especially if these marines have no idea that Roboute Guilleman, Primarch of the Ultramarines, is long dead, and so is the Warmaster Horus.

    Jrska: 'This is the Guilleman Can Get Fucked, and we declare for the Warmaster.'
    Cassius: *gives Jrska a deathglare*This is the independent vessel Chains of Judgement.
    Captain Ossian of the Garrison:Your ship has iconography of the Sigillite, yet you declare your independence?

    That is true enough - Malcador the Sigillite WAS instrumental in setting up the Inquisition. But Cassius decides that honesty is the best policy, and the truth is that the Imperium is completely fucked.

    Cassius: The Emperor’s vision has been abandoned, the future of the Imperium has fallen into the petty hands of Lords of Terra, the Primarchs are dead or missing, the Long War continues, and the status of the Emperor is up for debate. Oh, and Guilleman has sundered the Legions.
    Jrska: *snicker*They’re going to love that.

    Ossian insists on a live video feed - chancy, given Cassius' mutations. Especially since Space Marine psykers were banned by the Emperor's decree at Nikea. Of course, most of the Legions then ignored that decree, given the necessities of the war, and Guilleman allowed them again in the Codex Astartes. Perhaps Cassius' crawling warpfire can be passed of as merely psychic energy?

    Aladar: No wonder I’ve lost interest in Jrska, only Cassius interests me now.
    Jrska: *narrows eyes*
    Cog: My god, it’s a love triangle

    Cassius: Many of our brethren are fallen to superstition and ritual. The citizens of the Imperium are sworn to the Imperial Cult.
    Captain Ossian: LOL that thing is still around?
    Cassius: That thing is the mandatory religion of the Imperium.
    Captain Ossian: … oh.

    The Iron Pride tells us to maintain position while it returns to the planet to discuss this with the garrison commanders. It seems likely they'll want to meet face to face. And it doesn't take divination to tell they will not take kindly to surprises.

    So how to play this? And how to explain all the mutants on the crew?

    Jrska: Would you like me to dress as an obedient pet, my lord?
    Cassius: No need to go that far -
    Jrska: *silent cursing*
    Cassius: - besides, I want to stick to the truth.

    Cassius refuses to let Jrska sit in on the ongoing torture and interrogation of the Eldar, also he does use some of her Kingfisher Girls to massage the xenos' feet during their daily lunches. Daily meaning 'every three hours or other random interval'. She does get to warn the Eldar not to try abandoning her body.

    Jrska: We've got Cog here to keep your body alive if you do abandon it - and there's so many fun things we can do with an empty psyker...

    Jrska settles for a few laughs with the now completely demented captive dreadnought. Particularly about the way the dreadnaught's occupant used to think Cassius was a traitor, and now we've found an entire garrison of Loyalists working alongside Traitors. Cassius decides to play up the strengths of his mutations, rather than put them down to geneseed corruption.

    Cassius: I do not consider it degeneration, I consider it…
    Jrska: Enhancement XD

    The Iron Pride is sending over 50 Space Marines.

    Cassius: Half what you need to pacify a planet.

    If they decide to try and take the Chains of Judgement, we're completely fucked. Let's hope Jrska's rehearsals with the 'Honour Guard' of Kingfisher Girls and mutants worked. At least our uniforms are freshly startched, and fuel the fantasies of any uniform fetishists around the place.

    Jrska: Perky XD
    Cog: And do the crew that aren’t Kingfisher Girls ‘stand at attention’?
    Jrska: Probably XD

    Jrska pantomimes perky obedience and helpfulness while the visiting marines are on board.

    Cassius: I like Jrska like this. Maybe I should have got her a leash.
    Cog: And a shock collar.
    Cassius: No, I’m not going to punish her for bad behaviour - she’ll enjoy it. It’s a question of the carrot and the stick - and I hate to think what Jrska would do with a carrot.

    Jrska's copy of The Lives of the Saints is useful too, as an example of how insidious the Imperial Cult has become. Ossian does want to know why it's taken 10,000 years for anybody to come relieve the garrison.

    Cassius: The path to this system requires skill and audacity
    Jrska: Then how did Aladar ever manage it?
    Cassius: Just as well you’re not there for the conversation with Ossian.

    Cassius also lectures Ossian on the nature of the Warp and its inhabitants. Although it's heavily edited, so we don't get blown out of the sky. For example, most daemons are reflections and echoes of mortal emotion and desire.

    Cassius: As humanity is most numerous, they are more us than anything else.

    Cassius further goes on to claim that even the most powerful daemons are essential harmless, since they exist by feeding on the cast-off effluvia of human thought.

    Jrska: And the four Chaos powers sit up and say ‘Did someone just compare us to dust mites?’

    Cassius: Carefully avoiding anything about worshipping the Ruinous Powers.

    Ossian also wants to know what Cassius actually intends to do. Especially if the garrison agrees to hand over any of their stockpiled Space Marine geneseed.

    Cassius: My chapter will be sworn to humanity, not some fallible human lord. We will serve those who serve humanity (it just happens that at the moment I believe the Chaos Powers are humanity’s best hope to survive things like the Tyranid invasion).

    Ossian makes his proposal - since the garrison has no warp-capable ships or Navigators anymore, if we stop the recurring Necron attacks on the system by tracking them to their source, they garrison will give Cassius the engineered genetic material he needs. We have a goal! And one that will require a lot of alliances inside the Screaming Vortex, since trying to taken on an awakened Necron force with just one ship is a very good way to die, and die horribly.

    Weldun: I think that's the problem with the DC comics. They're too serious.
    Me: GRIMDARKGRIMDARKGRIMDARKANGST
    Weldun: Yeah. They say 'Life is serious', but Life, the setting that doesn't have people flying around in their underwear, still manages to be funny. So why can't the comics be funny?

    Weldun: Troubleshooting Macs. Step 1) Buy a real computer.
    GM: Maybe you need to hit it harder. Like with a hammer.

    We're going to need assistance to hunt down an destroy this Necron Tombworld. Avoiding backstabbing is also wise. Turning that captive Farseer into a Daemonhost that he can 'reward' Jrska with, but actually use to keep tabs on her, seems like a good double investment.

    Cassius: I'm glad I let Jrska suggest using those drugs on the Farseer.
    Jrska: I'm not stopping you from making daemonhosts. I'm delighted every time I talk you into doing something that debased.
    Cassius: It's not the debasement, it's the way Cassius lets Jrska think she's the one doing the debasing.

    Cassius: Let's go for Thrice-bound. Mainly to give Jrska a toy.

    Cassius takes the time to talk some of Jrska's fanatical Kingfisher Girls into helping with the ritual. They're eager to please their mistress, and their mistress's lord. Naturally, an Eldar Farseer, especially one who's been dosed to the gills on sensation-enhancing drugs for months, is a hugely desirable abode for a Slaaneshi daemon. So desirable that a Keeper of Secrets, a Greater Daemon, turns up to take possession. Just performing these rituals is enough to boost Cassius' corruption up to 98%. Even with his infamy commensurately boosted to 97%, this means if he displeases the Gods in any way, he will instantly explode into uncontrolled mutation and Spawndom.

    Cassius: ….
    Jrska OoC: I told you at the start that here was an opportunity for the GM to boost our Corruption. And you were the one that didn't want the rest of us around for it XD

    The Kingfisher Girls that participated in the summoning and binding are mutated by the experience. Mutations include snake-like features and tentacles.

    Cassius: *facepalm* Unintended benefits for Jrska.

    Jrska: *dancing down the corridors singing Hooked on a Feeling*
    Cassius: Damn, that's catchy.
    Jrska: Yes, my lord. I found a old 2D movie in the archives. Prison rape, genocidal terrorists, vivisection, auto-cannibalism. It's a laugh a minute. But it ends sadly – the hero gets killed by a bunch of idiots.

    Jrska OoC: Admittedly 'Cherry Bomb' would be a good match for Jrska too, lyrically speaking.

    Cassius: I do hope you enjoy it. This is a reward for your loyalty. You are loyal to me, aren't you, Jrska?
    Jrska: Of course, my lord. *Lying, but perkily*
    Cassius: *picking up Jrska by the throat* Why do I not believe you?
    Jrska: Natural suspicion, my lord?
    Cassius: Try again.
    Jrska: Healthy paranoia?

    Cassius: The xeno has a daemon within her flesh. I thought long and hard about the best way to reward you. You are loyal, aren't you?
    Jrska: Yes, my lord! I yearn to see you achieve everything you're capable of.

    Still, Jrska finds her gift waiting in the converted chapel. Her reaction can best be summarised with two small 'Poink!'ing noises.

    Jrska: I'll probably be unconscious for days.
    Cassius: Good. Cog might actually get some work done. Oh, I'm sorry, did I give away my agenda there? Ever since Aladar stopped responding you've been spending far too much time with Cog. He's been distracted.

    In fact, Slaanesh is so pleased with Jrska's eagerness to 'fraternise' with the daemonhost she is rewarded with Hermaphroditism.

    Jrska: *checks the contents of her pants* Excuse me lord, I have to go try this out.

    Cassius: It's probably the scariest thing about Cassius.
    Jrska: That you want competent people around you?
    Cassius: That I genuinely want my minions to succeed.

    To Cassius' horror, his efforts to research and conduct the ritual are enough to push him over to allegiance to Tzeentch, the Architect of Fate (the player needed more levels in Forbidden Knowledge, and miscounted the tally afterwards). This is something he's been desperate to avoid, still believing himself independent to the designs of the Ruinous Powers.

    Tzeentch: Just as planned.
    Cassius: What? Shit! No! Crap! Dammit! ...... Well played, Lord.
    Tzeentch: You will now be known as Turdgurgler.
    Cassius: What??
    Tzeentch: Just kidding.
    Cassius: SonavBITCH.

    Appropriately for his new allegiance, his existing and additional mutations churn him into a distinctly more avian form, which at least fits with his Storm Crow origins, Jrska's Kingfisher Girls, Cog's vulturine tendencies, and Aladar's mental similarity to a Potoo.

    On Tzeentch's Lords of Change and their resemblance to Skeksis.

    Cassius OoC: That movie gave me nightmares.
    Jrska OoC: It was called the Dark Crystal - not the Light and Fluffy Crystal.

    Arriving back in the Solace System, where the battle against the reawakened Necrontyr has been reinforced by the arrival of a Millennial Warden Space Marine orbital watchtower. This is bad news, but at least it isn't an Inquisitorial watchtower. We tell the the picket ships to stand clear, but are told to stand by for investigation – apparently the Sector Chief Inquisitor has finally been told about a certain ship going around claiming Inquisitorial authority. Uh-oh. Especially uh-oh since they launch boarding rams and fighters when we try to flee. We DO have tech-priests, murder-servitors, that deranged dreadnought, brutal mutant armsmen, the battle-nuns, the daemonhost, and ourselves, but we are up against Space Marines here. Cog jams their communications - with 'Hooked on a Feeling'.

    Space Marine: I'm hearing some sort of tribal chant over the helmet comm, Brother-Sergeant.

    Jrska co-ordinates the defenses from the bridge (and grooves to the Awesome Mix #1), and Aladar and Cassius speed off to try and rid ourselves of these Loyalist nuisances. Cassius times the dreadnought's arrival so the elevator opens at the most dramatic possible time. The Nyan-cat music starts up, and so does his assault cannon.

    Cassius: Mental conditioning with Nyan-cat XD

    The Millennial Wardens retreat into cover, as Cassius, Aladar, and the other response units converge. Pretty shortly the Wardens are wondering what sort of hell they've been dropped into, especially with the competing soundtracks, and screaming of the rotary cannon and other firearms.

    Marine Chaplain: This is devil music!

    Aladar, very unwisely, rushes into hand-to-hand combat, and has both legs half-severed with a chainsword. Cassius is dueling with the Warden's Chaplain, to much better effect.

    Cassius: Deluded fool! You stand before Cassius, Extinction's Angel, Doom of Leman's Solace! Smash!
    Chaplain: I care not! You will all burn, traitorous scum! swipe!
    Cassius: It is the Imperium that betrayed the Emperor! Smash!
    Chaplain: It is you that is the fool! Only Chaos could spin such lies! Slash!
    Cassius: *mind controls the Chaplain into attacking his own battle-brother*
    Chaplain: NO! My will is STRONG! *SMASHES other Warden anyway!*
    Cassius: Be honest – part of you enjoyed that, brother.
    Chaplain: *falls back in horror at the truth of this*

    Since both combatants have powerfields, this might go on for some time. Aladar remembers he can phase out of corporeality now, which given the chainsword now approaching at neck height will be a very good idea. He loses an arm anyway. At least he delayed the marine's assault on the bridge. Elsewhere, Jrska's co-ordination of the other defences isn't going so well – the other unit of Marines is moving to cut our own communications and power. The Dreadnought stomps up behind the wounded Sergeant, grabs him in a powerfist, and screams one sentence before crushing him to a spurting pulp.

    Dreadnought: THE CAT. HAS. A. SOMBREROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

    Cassius brings his forcestaff down on the Chaplain, whose faith is no longer quite enough to protect him. Luckily for him, the Emperor apparently has faith in him, and he manages to survive even as his battle skills, power field, and armour fail. In desperation the Chaplain draws a grenade and tries to slam it against his warped opponent. Instead, Cassius twists aside and the Chaplain loses an arm and his life. But because Cassius slew a champion of the Imperium, and using a psychic weapon to boot, the former Storm Crow receives the ultimate reward. The entire ship trembles, and even as Cassius' form twists and swells, a Herald of Tzeentch appears from the Warp and acknowledges his triumph.

    Herald: Congratulations – the galactic game of fate welcomes a new player.

    And Cassius' body explodes into his new daemonic form as a Daemon Prince of Tzeentch.
     
  3. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Helped a friend with a D&D 3.5 one-shot playtest, on the Roll20 website. I 'helpfully' resurrected Vitus for the event. Despite that, and despite the players all drawing mustaches on the picture of cartoon Dungeonkeeper he put on the virtual tabletop, the game worked rather well.

    Me: Ok, apparently we're in an 8x8 room with a demented freak who likes to drop innocent school-kids into a fantasy world. Although one of them did get a unicorn as a familiar
    GM: ROFL
    Me: I vaguely recall a big bad called Venger
    Narrator: Yes, He was a Nasty piece of work, The DM's son, if I recall.. Oh, wait, this thing's on? GM, why didn't you Tell me? AGH, now I've lost the element of surprise
    Adrian Vyn's player: .: Unicorn... I remember a game where one of the players threatened to remove the DM's penis... DM said she can't it would be like removing a Unicorn's horn.
    GM: Dude, just narrate the game, I don't pay you to kibbitz, that's the PC's job.
    Narrator: Well, Fine. see if I Narrate any other game you run.. *ahem*

    PCs -

    Vitus of Clan Scorpion: Planeswalker and phenomenal arsehole.
    Laudigan: Anthropomorphic Golden Crowned Flying Fox Sorceror/Bard, with such extraordinary natural grace and practised charm he has Vitus questioning his own sexuality. Vitus finds this somewhat disturbing.
    Art: Wolfman cleric of Pelor
    Adrian Vyn: Blue Panda-kin - a quiet beguiler with a tragic past.

    Narrator: DEAR ADVENTURERS, WELCOME.
    Vitus: *looks up startled at ceiling*
    Adrian Vyn: Oh look, it's a disembodied voice!
    Laudigan: The voices in my head sure are rowdy this morning..
    Narrator: YOU FELLOWS OF VARIOUS BUILDS AND SPECIES HAVE BANDED TOGETHER AS A GROUP OF MISFITS WHOSE ONLY CONNECTION AT THIS POINT IS THAT YOU DO NOT ADHERE TO THE STANDARD EIGHT RACES OF THE FORGOTTEN REALMS SETTING. BUT NO MATTER.
    Vitus OoC: "we are all individuals" - mandatory Monty Python quote out of the way...
    Adrian Vyn: Dude, inside voice.
    Narrator: YOU ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN AN INN NOT FAR FROM THE RUINS OF HIGHTOWER CASTLE. IT HAS BEEN JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR THE TOWNSFOLK TO GET DRUNK ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YOUR WILDLY DIFFERING APPEARANCES.
    Adrian Vyn: Oh great, a village of drunks.
    Vitus: *mentally counts down until somebody - probably Laudigan - tries to seduce the barmaid*
    Narrator: *glances back at the GM* Do I have to use allcaps? I mean, there's not really any way to type in bold here

    It has been raining steadily heavier ever since the misfits got here.

    Vitus: You have to wonder how anybody can live in this climate. Apart from frogs. *looks around at the townsfolk suspiciously* Or Deep One hybrids.
    Laudigan: *Perking an ear at the continuous sound of raindrops on the roof.* At the very least it is dry. The last inn I slept in required several buckets to catch the water.
    Adrian Vyn: Someone once told me, if the weather is bad, you need to complain to some god called the game master.

    Vitus: *checks the weight of his coinpurse, and sighs* It would appear I'm going to have go loot some ruin again soon. Digging latrines would just be demeaning. *looks up at the ceiling, mentally calculating the odds of nearby loot vs. risk of gruesome death*

    Vitus: You, barkeep - any ruins around here that the townsfolk scrupulously avoid?
    Nig Llush, Bartender: Ruins? Naught but old Hightower to the north.
    Vitus: Oh reeeeally. Do tell. Let me guess - lots of tales about the evil of the last resident? And how he was damned by the gods?
    Nig Llush, Bartender: Naw, place was cleared out by adventurers like yerselves ages ago. used to be some old stronghold of a weather wizard, I think. Nothing but dust and stone now.
    Narrator: Speaking of Weather... *truly ear-splitting crash of thunder & lightning*
    Vitus: What in the name of Grabthar's right nut was that?!

    More lightning blows in half the wall. Laudigan casually downs the rest of his swill and dabs his muzzle dry. He then proceeds to calmly duck under the table.

    The Peanut Gallery: I'd advice any dwarves in fullplate not to stand up, inside or out

    Laudigan: Perhaps the gods are growing weary of our idleness.

    Vitus stands up authoritatively - somebody should at least appear to be in charge here.

    Vitus: Townsfolk! Take cover!
    Adrian Vyn: I don't believe they need to be told.
    Vitus: I don't know about that, I've met some really moronic villagers in my time. Some you can't even leave out in the rain, or they'll drown

    Adrian Vyn: Maybe we should relocate to the wine cellar?
    Vitus: Anybody else thinking 'weather wizard'?
    Adrian Vyn: If that's true, I blame you for bringing him up in the first place.

    Vitus collects a few bottle of beer and heads to the basement.

    Adrian Vyn: Well, I'm not going out there to pick a fight with a wizard.
    Vitus: I'm not going out there in this weather - we'll wait til he's exhausted his dailies THEN go kick his arse.
    Adrian Vyn: Is he our problem? If the rain stops we could just vacate the premises.
    Vitus: *gives the panda A Look* He blew up the tavern

    The Peanut Gallery: oh look, free booze

    The bartender stares, shocked at the damage, then runs outside into the rain.

    Vitus: What did I tell you? Too stupid to come in out of the rain...

    Vitus pursues, then remembers he's 6ft4 and carrying a metal quarterstaff in a lightning storm.

    Vitus: Maybe this was a bad idea...

    Nig Llush, Bartender: It can't be.. The Weather wizard has returned?
    Vitus: I thought you said he was dead. Exactly how long ago did you say his place was cleaned out?
    Nig Llush, Bartender: He has been! At least 50 years!
    Laudigan: If it were up to me, 50 years would be an ample time to make a grand return.

    The Peanut Gallery: No weather wizard would be a one trick pony, where's the snow damn you.

    The storm promptly obliges, dropping 4 feet of snow, sleet, and freezing rain on the village. In midsummer.

    The Peanut Gallery: To the basement! Where all the very warming free rum is kept!

    The group eventually tramp off to have a few pointed words with the wizard who interrupted their boozing. Nearing the tor things get quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

    Laudigan: ...Do you hear that? It's... quiet, but it's there.
    Vitus: NO, I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING
    Laudigan: No. It is TOO quiet. *facepalms and rebukes himself for uttering the cursed words*
    Art: It was quiet until you yelled.
    Vitus: PARDON?

    Two hobgoblins erupt from concealment in a snowdrift. We eye them with a certain contempt - attempting to ambush four alert magic-users really wasn't very bright of them.

    Laudigan: *deadpan* My god, we're going to die.
    Vitus: Well, full marks on the use of cover and Silence at least.

    Vitus: Is it true what they say about Bats?
    Laudigan: Depends what they say.
    Vitus: That their 'racial weapon' is 'two-handed'.

    Hobgoblins duly decapitated, we find a cavern under the tor that turns out to be some sort of underground complex. It's also swarming with rats, who prove hilariously inept right up until one has a go at the laughing hyena, and runs up Vitus' leg under his robe, where it makes a spirited attempt to circumsize him. Vitus' novel Prince Albert promptly develops lockjaw, rolling Nat. 20 after Nat. 20. Laudigan runs over to assist Vitus, who for *some* reason is running in circles flailing at his own crotch and screaming.

    GM: Healing Grope...
    Laudigan: Let's hurry and exterminate these vermin befo- by Boccob's COCK.

    Another rat tries to sink its pointy little fangs into Laudigan's wrist.

    Laudigan: You damaged my sleeve. Prepare to die, obviously.

    GM: Be lucky yuou're not fighting Kobolds... "Shifty" is MURDER in high numbers like this.
    Laudigan: But kobolds are so cute!

    The number of Natural 20s the rats roll is beyond belief.

    Laudigan: These rats are possessed by GODS.
    GM: Quantum gods are fickle.

    Laudigan: I cast "Summon Instrument: Flute" to the hand gripped around the rat's neck, making it appear within the rat's innards, tearing it apart as one end of the flute came out its mouth, and the other... under its tail.
    GM: .....
    Narrator: Dude. BRUTALITY.
    Vitus: Well, I bet the Pied Piper never did THAT
    Art: Rat for dinner any one?
    Laudigan: Rat kebob.
    Narrator: Laudigan is going to have to clean that flute.
    Laudigan: Nay. I'll summon a new one.

    Laudigan: Attack helpless critters, like heroes! *Punches air heroically*

    Resting up -

    Vitus OoC: *flicking through the "tome of sexy kobolds" while we wait*
    Laudigan IC: *Polishing his wand while we wait.*

    Narrator: Welcome to Adventure! Excitement! The occasional hot sex scene! Welcome.. to DUNGEONS! AND DRAGONS!
    Adrian Vyn: The disembodied voice is back!
    Vitus: ... ten more minutes, mom...

    The sarcophagus in the next room is one of those ones with a portrait of the occupant's face. A really realistic portrait. Assuming the occupant was a flying vampire head.

    Laudigan: BY BOCCOB'S DIMPLED ASSCHEEKS
    Adrian Vyn: I told you to leave it alone...
    Laudigan: Haha! Where's your sense of adventure?
    Vitus: It got eaten by the last monster I could have avoided

    The bard manages to take it down by spraying acid into its mouth.

    Vitus: Well, I suppose it will be safe to open now, unless the gods are feeling particularly vindictive

    Narrator: Running your fingers through the dust, something GRABS YOU!
    Laudigan: Why is everything hellbent on laying hands on me?
    Vitus: They think you're hot?... did I just say that aloud?
    Art: Yes you did
    Laudigan: I'd be flattered if I was more certain that I'm not about to lose my... my wand polishing hand.

    It feels like a hand has tightly grasped the bat's own. Laudigan takes a deep breath, and lovingly grasps it back.

    Laudigan: There there my darling, I am here.
    Adrian Vyn: You're trying to seduce dust? I'm starting to think Laudigan has a one-track mind.

    Laudigan pulls, and attached to his hand are the skeletal bones of some long-dead humanoid. It wears a ring on its ring finger. Laudigan examines the ring, then smiles warmly.

    Laudigan: I'll admit... this is one of the more... interesting ways someone has proposed to me.

    Laudigan: My sense of adventure is tingling. Of course, that could just be hypothermia.
    Vitus: I think that's the Grim Reaper sharpening his scythe

    Their's a stone chest in the next room. Art eagerly moves to investigate. The others, being more genre savvy, hang well back.

    Vitus: Bet you a gold piece it's trapped.
    Laudigan: You're on.

    Art gets the chest open and promptly gets a dart right between the eyes. Vitus holds out a hand and Laudigan pays up.

    Laudigan: ..you're lucky your skull's so thick.
    Adrian Vyn: And that's why I stay far away from these things.
    Narrator: So, instead of using your skills, you let poor Art take a dart to the skull?

    Vitus is not very good at medicine, and has the bedside manner of the Grim Reaper.

    Vitus: What do we do with this sort of injury? Do we have to push the dart all the way through so the tip won't break off inside?
    Adrian Vyn: I warned you before to leave these things alone, you won't listen.
    Vitus: I think I've got some pliers in my backpack here. For roadside dentistry.

    Vitus: You'll probably want to get that out first, unless you want to be Art the Unicorn.
    Art: Before I do, I am going to look into the chest, and see what is inside to make me get this much pain
    Laudigan: Your priorities are impeccable.

    Vitus: You know, whoever put that headband in there was just cruel - after all, if Art had already been wearing it he wouldn't have got a dart between the eyes.

    Vitus use his crowbar to check *underneath* the chest

    Vitus: Because that's the kind of thing I'd do if I had to leave something in a chest like this. A few baubles and a cursed item, and the real treasure underneath
    Laudigan: Whoever put this here was simply not as savvy as you, I suppose.
    Vitus: Maybe a few skeletal guards with long-lasting poison on their fingerbones, if I knew necromancy
    Laudigan: Knew a necromancer once. Cold fingers everywhere.
    Vitus: It's an important discipline

    Vitus: Who wants to go through first?
    Adrian Vyn: Whoever has a death wish... be my guest.
    Laudigan: I think you could use a little more healing, Art, your... new face hole doesn't look very good.
    Vitus: he needed that treasure like he needed a hole in the head

    Vitus: The rats came down the corridor without incident, so the corridor itself might be free of traps - unless it's rotating blades at head height.

    Art suffers injury to his other end later on. The long stone hall ends in a stone chamber furnished only with cracked, mouldering tables on which lie rusted implements of iron. Rain falls into the middle of the room from a shaft in the ceiling that must run all the way to the top of the tor. From the bottom of the shaft dangles a rope, swinging slightly. A drain in the centre of the floor allows the water to escape, but old, dark stains suggest that it was used to carry away... *other* fluids long ago.

    Laudigan: Is that a sacrificial chamber? I'm getting a 'sacrificial chamber' vibe.
    Narrator: Either that or a sex dungeon.
    Vitus: *eyes the disembodied voice* Quite. But I don't think we have time for Art's backside to be thus treated
    Adrian Vyn: How exactly do you eye something with no body?
    Vitus: Arcane sight XD

    Sadly, our paranoia is out of practise - we test the rope to see whether it could take our weight, of course. Unfortunately, it doesn't occur to us that it might be set up as a alarm system.

    Narrator: Art tugs on the rope. You hear a rusty clang as an ancient bell peals out.
    Vitus: fuckity boo

    The ensuing battle is complicated by our own side casting Mist spells, and the arrival of an Enlarged undead Bugbear. Fighting blind doesn't help anybody, it would appear.

    GM: YOU TRIED CASTING MAGIC MISSILE AT THE DARKNESS.

    Laudigan is attacked by a hobgoblin.

    Laudigan: That's a big sword. Compensating for something?

    Adrian Vyn: Guess it wasn't the smartest idea to hide in a corner and be unable to leave without provoking Attacks of Opportunity.

    Although we don't figure out what happened until after the battle, Art managed to Turn the bugbear. Which fled, and managed to knock itself out running down a hallway it was now too large to enter. Vitus is still casting Colour Spray at the enemies he can actually see.

    Vitus: TASTE THE MUTHAFUCKIN' RAINBOW
    Laudigan: It's beeeautiful!

    Art: Can I take a wiz on the wizard?
    Laudigan: See if you can!
    Vitus: "we're off to pee the wizard, the horrible wizard of hobs"

    The Hobgoblin Leader is still after Art.

    Hobgoblin: GODSDAMNIT, STAND STILL, SQUIRREL!
    Laudigan: HE'S NOT A SQUIRREL HE'S A BLUE PANDA.

    The Weather Wizard, knowing he's cornered, attempts a desperate escape - ripping one of the multitude of patches on his robe, he flings it outward to the floor. And most of the PCs and one of the hobs fall into the 10 foot deep pit that just appeared. The Wizard leaps over the pit, laughing. "You haven't seen the last of me, Diblowiki, the Weather Wiz-
    ..... and doesn't make the jump.

    Adrian Vyn: Wish I had time to hold the dagger up and let him fall on it.

    Vitus, who was readying a rope and grappling hook to drag the bastard down anyway, garrottes him instead. Unfortunately, with the wizard's death the bugbear dissolves, flooding the pit with decomposing liquified remains. Yuck.

    Narrator: The goo is extremely slippery. you ALMOST get enough purchase, but slip and fall back into the now half-full pit of goo. it's about up to your shoulders.
    Laudigan: I guess we can swim.

    Vitus: That... was... disgusting. If I could, I'd raise this arsehole from the dead just so we could kill him again.
  4. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Roadtrip! Traveling to the Isle of Skye in order to find the missing elven decker Quicksilver. Why we're doing this is not entirely clear, since the person who was going to be paying us is dead, but we Shadowrunners are free spirits, unbeholden to the petty rules that govern society, and free to do any damn stupid thing that occurs to us.

    Warhammer: We've been paid repeatedly for every other job we've done, we can cover one where we don't get paid at all.

    Labrat arrives, delayed due to the fact his boat isn't rated from Seattle to London, especially since global warming apparently didn't happen in the Shadowrun universe and the Arctic Ocean is still, in fact, arctic. The bigger problem was all the giant underground brigadoons that suddenly appeared and that promptly filled up with seawater. And all those mined-out deposits that suddenly reappeared, along with their surrounding mountains.

    Felix: Well, BHP-Billiton must have been pleased. The miners who were underground at the time, not so much.

    Greenlight: Can we hire a crop-duster and spray the island with Agent Orange?
    Felix: I don't think the druids will appreciate that, somehow.
    Greenlight: That's the point

    Labrat picks up a few toys en route.

    GM: You meet up with a fixer named Angus McNab
    Greenlight: So Scottish he secretes alcohol.

    The involvement of druids - especially on their home turf, continues to make us nervous.

    Inkubus: We're just going to go up there and see what the situation is.
    Greenlight: Oh, thank f**k for that!
    Inkubus: We're not going up there to piss in their cereal.

    Labrat: So what's been happening?
    Greenlight: We're in England now-
    Felix: Scotland. Don't get them confused
    Greenlight: We're in SCOTLAND now where everybody is drunk, eh-
    Titus: That's Canada
    Greenlight: WE'RE IN SCOTLAND NOW WHERE EVERYBODY IS DRUNK AND I KEEP GETTING INTERRUPTED-
    Labrat: So I see
    Greenlight: THE NEXT PERSON THAT INTERRUPTS ME GETS TASED IN THE FACE

    Labrat: So you called me all the way from Seattle for a job where I won't get paid.
    Greenlight: Yes. Mostly to f**k with you.

    Plus, we can sing as we drive.

    Warhammer: How about a drink-a-long?
    Felix: If you really want to. 'If you need a job done that would land you in jail / Shadow-runrunrun, Shadow-runrun'
    Warhammer: Rumrumrumrumrum, rumrumrumrum
    Felix: 'As assets we're deniable in case we fail / Shadow-runrunrun, Shadow-runrun'
    Warhammer: Rumrumrumrumrum, rumrumrumrum

    There's a castle on the fair side of the loch, and a village on this side. Surveilling the fishing village while pretending to be birdwatchers -

    Labrat: Nudist beach!
    Inkubus: In Scotland?!
    Felix: They don't even need the blue body paint.
    Labrat: Oh wait, that's ice sculpture.

    There is a circle where the druids from the isle hold a daily ritual.

    Inkubus: Is anybody else wishing we had a mortar?

    Greenlight: We so didn't bring enough firepower for this.
    Warhammer: Uh-huh.
    Felix: Who needs firepower, we have a troll.
    Greenlight: You can't fire a troll long distances.
    Felix: Labrat, you're an engineer, aren't you?

    Labrat goes looking for the towns most disreputable fisherman.

    GM: He's a grizzled old man-
    Greenlight: "...but you f**k one fish!"

    Whilst the anecdote about his various careers is no doubt fascinating, Labrat is actually after explosives.

    Felix: I'm heading down to the quay early to scan the surface of the loch and beaches for birdlife. That is our cover story after all.
    Labrat: And you've got that loched down.

    They're also a small crowd of tourists here to see the druids.

    Greenlight: Am I a bad person because I look at them and think 'meat shield'?

    In fact, the way the whole castle-full-of-druids seems to be a tourist trap is a relief. Plus, there's no giant wicker man on the hill.

    GM: The furry comes across the loch
    Inkubus: Furry or Ferry?
    Greenlight: Because if it's a furry I'm out of here
    Inkubus: I want nothing to do with giant furries - it inevitable leads to vore.
    Felix: Or insertion.
    Labrat: Or both.
    Greenlight: Alright, we'll go Attack on Titan for you.
    Felix: 'In 2050 humanity received a grim reminder'
    Titus: 'Then blew it up with C12.'

    GM: Seven druids emerge and come across the grass towards the tourist bus
    Labrat: I think they're all on the grass
    Titus: There's Happy and Grumpy and...
    Labrat: And Dopey is the leader
    Labrat: Nah - he thinks he's in charge. It's actually the live-in maid.

    Greenlight: Can I talk to Fiona, please?
    Dwuid: Excuse me?
    Greenlight: A friend of hers is in mortal danger.
    Dwuid: That's... alarming news. I need to go talk to some people.
    Inkubus: I think we need to go to the old rule - Greenlight doesn't get to talk to anybody until she gets over this 'honesty' thing.

    Fiona: And what is your connection to Quicksilver?
    Labrat: Merely to ensure he doesn't come to harm (which is true XD)

    Quicksilver apparently left part of his lifeforce with Fiona. That on top of of the deck he left with Amelia is adding up to something alarming.

    Inkubus: We think he's done something... very silly. Such as forcing his own reincarnation as a being of pure data.
    Felix: He's basically been making horcruxes. I told you Harry Potter would be involved in this somehow.

    None of us can figure out how Quicksilver managed this trick.

    Felix: We're in a magical castle in Scotland.
    Titus: Horcruxes.
    Felix: Horcruxes.

    Fiona will entrust Quicksilver's essence to the group in return for something commensurate from one of our mages.

    Inkubus: Well....
    Felix: You're at least closer to their tradition
    Inkubus: Really? Really? I invoke the spirit of Metal!
    Titus: *flips a coin and points at Inkubus*
    GM: She wants to perform a ritual with you.
    Inkubus: *tries to resist temptation*
    Felix: *sigh*
    Inkubus: What kind of ritual?
    GM: Candles and shuffling around on the grass.
    Warhammer and Greenlight: *snicker*

    Inkubus: Am I going to to need protection? Because you hear stories.

    GM: You're all invited to witness the ceremony
    Greenlight: Oh my
    Inkubus: It's not every day I have an audience. And you get to see what seven charisma looks like under the hood.

    If the ritual is a busty there's still one way we can profit from this trip.

    Inkubus: We can still sell his deck, right?

    The ritual involves a dozen dwuids, various spirits, and a metric f**kton of power - the leyline through the area might have something to do with that. It also leaves Inkubus with the distinct impression of being repeatedly shot.

    Fiona: I know he followed the ley to Loch Ness and met a presence there - I don't know what happened there.
    Titus: We get to fight a plesiosaur! *high-fives Greenlight*

    GM: You've got ten minutes til the last furry.
    Greenlight: Gotta catch that giant wolf.
    Felix: Wolf-fox. Herm wolf-fox.
    GM: What?
    Felix: You said furry instead of ferry again.
    GM: *sigh*
    Greenlight: Giant herm wolf-fox.
    Inkubus: With wings. Part angel.
    Titus: And a keyblade.
    GM: And a pink and purple colour scheme. *sigh*

    Quicksilver's horcrux is a black box sealed with wax and a silver clasp.

    Titus: I was wrong - it's actually a phylactery.

    Inkubus: Who wants to assense Quicksilver's box?
    Warhammer: *snicker*

    The box apparently contains something relieved that somebody has finally come for it. Inkubus speculates Quicksilver's mind is in the Matrix, his soul in the box, and his body bullet-riddled somewhere near the Loch. The box actually contains a very unconventional chip and a transponder inside a block of plascrete.

    Greenlight: I think we've seen more innuendo in one square mile than I've seen in the whole of Seattle.

    There's certainly a lot of mention of Elven Deck. But for now, off through the deep dark woods around Loch Ness.

    Greenlight: We'll just follow the trail of rubbish left by earlier tourists.

    The transponder and the chip's mystic glow leads us towards Castle Urquhart on the shore of the loch.

    Inkubus: I feel so metal now I'm a glorified bloodhound.
    Titus: Oh, I dunno, bloodhound sound pretty metal.

    A Nature Spirit materialises in our path.

    Nature Spirit: I know why you are here.
    Felix: You're doing better than us then.
    Greenlight: Yup.
    Titus: Just stumbling blindly along after map points.

    The spirit opens an astral gate and invites us through.

    Inkubus: If what I thinking is going to happen, happens, we will learn things about each other
    Warhammer: STAYING.

    GM: Things are weird in the Astral
    Inkubus: Shit be whack

    The spirit wants us to perform a quest, if we still want the portion of Quicksilver it's guarding.

    Felix: Let's just call it the third horcrux, shall we?

    Greenlight: Will I get a magic sword?
    Felix: If I reject the first offer will I get a better one?

    We are promptly menaced by the Dweller on the Threshold.

    Felix: The Antimatter Monster from Planet of Evil.
    Inkubus: Ozzy Osbourne. 'What the f**k are you doing here?' The godfather of Metal.
    Greenlight: 'Shaarrron! Who the f**k is this?'
    Greenlight: Greg the Grim Reaper - "Alright, what the fuck do you lot want then? Oh, right, let me guess, you want to cross over. Oh, wonderful, like I haven't had to deal with this before. Magically active pricks, you think that just because you can magically assense means you've got the fucking right to cross over. Obnoxious shitheads."
    GM: For Felix it probably looks like Zardoz
    Felix: ?
    Greenlight: Sean Connery in a mankini.
    Warhammer: Now there is a mental image I didn't need

    The dweller wants a confession from us before it will let us through.

    Titus: I don't have any deep secrets
    Labrat: You're just very shallow

    Felix: *blushes bright red and mutters something inaudible*
    Dweller: Speak up.
    Felix: She was my cousin, alright? It was a family gathering. We wandered off over the hill...
    Dweller: *transforms into Felix's grandad and royally chews him out*

    Inkubus admits he kept a lock of Euphoria's hair, even before she was kidnapped.

    Greenlight: What, not standard Shadowrunner paranoia?
    Inkubus: No - she was the only innocent thing I've ever found in this life, OK?
    Dweller: *transforms into Euphoria and expertly denounces Inkubus as a disgusting creep*

    There are also Trials - reliving our most traumatic experiences. Inkubus re-enacts his horrible encounter with the deamon Twilight. Inkubus relives his encounter with the fire-demon Inkubus summoned.

    Felix: *flees the burning factory, but this time making sure to kick the image of Inkubus repeatedly in the arse as we run, and re-emerges from the Trial gate on fire*
    Inkubus: What happened to you?
    Felix: *gives Inkubus a look that should make him burst into flame*

    Luckily Warhammer and Titus are out in the real world to patch up the bullet-holes and stab-wounds our comatose bodies are sprouting.

    Felix: Interesting thing about ganglions - they're the only medical condition that can be cured by literally hitting it with a book.
    Greenlight: I like that wordplay - 'literally'

    Inkubus relives the Dwuid ritual, but such is his own self-confidence that the danger touches him even less than it did the first time.

    Inkubus: And in the real world I have an erection.
    Titus: Not touching that one.
    Felix: I'm not hitting it with a book.

    Past and Present trials faced, we turn to the future. Felix is still annoyed at having to relive the factory.

    Felix: Do we get to see what happens to Inkubus in the future?
    Nature Spirit: It doesn't work like that.
    Felix: F**k.
    Inkubus: The same that happens every morning - I wake up surrounded by beautiful women.

    Instead we all find ourselves in a limousine driving through Washington D.C., with a man with very blue eyes and an American flag lapel pin, who yells "What are you doing here?!" and then the car explodes.

    We then find ourselves back in the Astral clearing, and staring at each other. For once, Felix's Conspiracy Theory hobby comes in handy.

    Felix: What the f**k was that?
    Greenlight: WHO the f**k was that?
    Felix: ... I think that was a dragon.

    Felix: We are never going to DC
    Inkubus: Yeah. Right. You keep on believing that. We are going to DC. Just pray we can stay away from limousines.

    Time to go back to Edinburgh, which will give Inkubus and Felix a chance to catch up on their social media, sad addicts that they are.

    Inkubus: We'll catch the next bus
    Greenlight: It's not for an hou-
    Inkubus: WE'LL CATCH THE NEXT BUS

    Back at Prof. Amelia's lab at the university where the extremely, almost impossibly advanced deck that Quicksilver used has slots for four custom chips - such as the two we've so far acquired at Skye and Castle Urquhart. It looks like we're going to have to stick our brains into the deck for some clue as to what to do next.

    Felix: This is a bad idea - I've read Harry Potter, no good comes of messing with horcruxes.

    And besides, none of us have datajacks. On the other hand, there are 'trode helmets.

    Felix: And Edinburgh is part of Silicon Glen.

    'trode-jacking in reveals the poorly resolved image of a slumped dead woman data-labelled Morag McDonald. This, presumably, is a clue. Warhammer manages to identify her via the death register and her tartan - apparently she was murdered the same day Quicksilver went missing. And that the fourteen homicides she was part of may reignite the murderous history of the Campbells and McDonalds. Certainly, the local authorities are very much afraid the McDonalds are plotting reprisals.

    Titus: There's only way to end this feud
    All: KILL THEM ALL
    Inkubus: Or pick a side.
    Titus: Or convince them both to meet a particular place to get the social XP, then betray them both for the combat experience.
    Inkubus: But who we betray first depends on who doesn't have the hot daughter.

     
  5. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Back aboard the Chains of Judgement, using the wreckage of the Ardent Crown as cover as an Eldar cruiser attempts to carve both up. Among our prizes - several dead Eldar Warp Spider Aspect Warriors, who Jrska can no doubt find something amusing to do with; a live Farseer who she can CERTAINLY find something amusing to do with; and that mysterious casket the Eldar were carrying around, and that Cassius promptly announced as MINE. Aladar, who somehow survived his encounter with the Hunter last week, remains badly injured. Cog has injected him full of hypermeth and whatever other combat drugs Jrska can provide, which should make the subsequent starship battle interesting.

    Cassius' player: Ah, 40K, the only game where you can take out the Holy Hand-grenade of Antioch, and read from the Book of Armaments, and be taken absolutely seriously.

    Jrska: We'll leave the piloting to the expert systems. The ones that learned how to fly the ship by watching Aladar, and then was told 'see what Aladar does? Do anything but that.'

    Jrska: So how many cultists are riding the missiles and waving cowboy hats?

    Aladar's control of the laser batteries and missile barrages is startlingly deft. The Eldar cruiser should have vastly outclassed our little frigate.

    Jrska: The gods favour us, my lord. Indeed, they favour Aladar. Their ways are ineffable and strange.

    Unfortunately, our shots are so accurate we blow up their webway portal generator. The ensuing warp rift rapidly expands to consume all three ships.

    Jrska: ohhhh, piss.

    And Jrska fails to keep the crew under control.

    Cassius: This is what you get for converting the crew to Slaanesh worship. They're all going "ooooh, pretty." Have you become the new Aladar?

    The sudden wash of pure mutating hell-energy washing over the ship converts an unknown number of the crew into slavering, screaming warpspawn. That number is at least 3, since three of the bridge crew transform. Jrska draws her plasma pistol, despite the risk to the bridge controls.

    Jrska: I know you warned us about backstop, my lord, but...
    Cassius: This is where lasweapons come into their own - you don't have to worry about it penetrating the backstop.
    Jrska: Or anything, really.

    Cassius attempts to fry the spawn with warpfire.

    GM: You'll hit about nine of the crew.
    Cassius: Don't care. I know what kind of damage warpspawn can do.

    The additional warp energy Cassius throws into the mix causes the consoles to sprout insane cog-work and metal tentacles.

    Cassius: Cog is going to be busy doing repairs.
    Cog: Ok, I'll fix it, but you have to tell Father you did it.

    The worst thing about this that the Ardent Crown will no longer be colliding with the hiveworld Solace.

    Jrska: We've inadvertently saved Solace. Perhaps this was the Eldar's plan all along.

    Cassius detonates one of the spawn.

    Cog: You should see him at parties - he once blew up a goat.
    Cassius: As opposed to Jrska, where you just take away the word 'up'.

    The former bridge crew member attacking Jrska seems a bit clumsy.

    GM: If it was possible for a tentacle weapon to jam, it just did.
    Jrska: It's a tentacle monster versus Jrska. I'm sure the tentacles are jammed *somewhere.*

    We give up on trying to come alongside the Ardent Crown in warpspace, and re-emerge into the Materium. Happily, that's enough to nudge the Crown back into realspace as well, and it's back on course for a collision, four days later and only hours away.

    Jrska: Imagine the scene down on the planet - 'The Inquisition has saved us from the Ardent Crown! Praise the Emperor!' Four days later 'Fuck, it's back!'

    There are at least four system ships in orbit - they can be formidable, since they don't have to spare power or hull capacity to FTL engines, and can put it all into heavier armour and armament.

    Cassius: Let's not broadcast 'The Inquisition has found you wanting'

    The wreckage of the Ardent Crown slices deep into Solace's crust before it and its warp engine detonate, the ensuing fireball cracking the crust and spreading to engulf a good chunk of the western hemisphere.

    Jrska: Just picture Jrska during all this - hive cities going up like magnesium flares, even against the background of magma - her leaning back in the sensor suite chair, naked with a glass of wine.

    GM: One of the hive cities didn't get their void shields up in time - the wave of fire and warp energy scours half the arcology bare of life
    Jrska: Ohhh, yeeeeeeeahhh *climax*

    Cassius: Long term plan *sneezes*
    GM: Interesting plan.
    Cog: Nurgle would approve.

    The actual plan is to leave some sigil of our passing scorched onto more intact landscape - to sign the work, as it were. But those system ships are, as mentioned, formidable. Also, something buried deep under the crust has been exposed by the gigantic impact - it looks artificial... Necrontyr seems likely. That, combined with a mutant uprising, would certainly match that prophesy we found on Voluptua.

    Cassius: Let's get out of here.
    Aladar: We're not staying around for the prophesy?
    Jrska: Prophesy is fulfilled - we don't have to stay around for the massacre.

    System Ship: You are not staying to render assistance, Lord Inquisitor?
    Cassius: This is not an isolated incident.
    Jrska: Tell them the Emperor's Angels of Death and the Imperial Guard are en route.
    Cog: Give them hope XD
    Jrska: 'They said help was on the way! They said!'
    Cassius: Can you tell them that without giggling? Because I can't.

    Cassius: 'LOL, they think they we're going to send help' - Not something you want to hear from an Inquisitorial ship.

    Loot - a Psychic Hood (very useful to Cassius, especially when he's matching wits with the Farseer); a corrupted solid-slug pistol apparently dedicated to the Plaguelord; and some stranger items.

    Jrska: We still have to interrogate the Farseer. She's going to be the guest of honour at a very special party, and I'm not talking about breaking out the religious accoutrements like the sandstone strap-on, oh no. Cog, honey, can you invent a drug that will enhance pleasurable sensations a few thousand times?

    Jrska: I'll be sure to tell all my minions 'Now remember the Golden Rule, girls - treat others like you'd expect them to treat you'. Which sounds fine until you remember we're all Slaanesh cultists.

    Cassius: My infamy is equivalent to a greater deamon.
    Jrska: Well, yes.
    Cassius: And to the enslaver of multiple worlds.
    Jrska: Doom of Leman's Solace, my lord. And if they ever figure out that you were involved in this... *points at the wreckage of Solace*
    Cassius: Word is getting out 'He's loose'
    Solace Government: 'He's come back, arrgghhhh!'
    Cog: 'No Solace for you, mortal'

    Aladar's mutations are taking him further and further away from humanity - and from an appreciation of Jrska. 'Only the Warp pleases me now'.

    Jrska: Am I pretty?
    Aladar: It is of no consequence.
    Jrska: Cog, could you pass me that spoon? Aladar clearly isn't using his eyes anymore.

    But the Farseer and Aladar may have to wait - we've finally reached that alien psychic beacon, gaurded by Horus Heresy era space marines, that we heard about so long ago. Alarmingly, they still have working spaceships. This is going to be tricky...
  6. Like
    New Hero reacted to Houston GM in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Is this someone's strategy for getting good quotes? Post horrible puns until I come up with some quotes to break the chain?
     
    More excerpts from the Shadowrun game. As previously stated, the runners are an ork/troll group. Completely against stereotype, they specialize in stealth, subtlety, bluff, illusion, deception and misdirection.
      Dent: ork, rat shaman No-Step: ork, snake shaman, healer Byte Force: ork, decker, chemist Eye Spy: ork, rigger, drones, paramedic Audacity Jane: ork, combat, stealth, security systems Happy Jack (aliases include Jonathan Bridges): troll, combat, disguise, negotiator Mr. Johnson: generic name used by/for secretive employers who hire shadowrunners     When Happy Jack meets with clients, he usually goes as one of his alternate identities: the distinguished Jonathan Bridges.   Mr. Johnson: "Thank you for meeting with me mister ..." Jonathan Bridges: "It's my pleasure to be here, Mr. Johnson. I'm Mr. Bridges." Mr. Johnson: "Mr. Bridges ... as in ..." Jonathan Bridges: "If you're about to make some comment regarding bridges and trolls, I've heard it before."     The shadowrunners discuss how they're spending their latest windfall...   Audacity Jane: "I can't believe you just spent 10,000 nuyen on a suit. What a waste of money." Happy Jack: "It's a high fashion suit with an armor lining. It's what the top executives wear." Audacity Jane: "So what? It's not like you're going to sneak into a building dressed like a troll CEO on our runs. You're still going in dressed as a janitor or a maintenance man like usual."   A few weeks later, while Jonathan Bridges (aka Happy Jack) was negotiating with a different Mr. Johnson...   Mr. Johnson: "And I'm prepared to pay each member of your team 6,000 nuyen." Jonathan Bridges: "6,000 nuyen? My suit costs more than that." Mr. Johnson: "..."   Unsurprisingly, the pay got negotiated above 10,000 nuyen apiece.
     
     
    Discussing equipment on hand...
     
    Eye Spy: "Do you have any anti-vehicular grenades?" Happy Jack: "Sure." (tosses a grenade to Eye Spy) Eye Spy: "This is a paint grenade." Happy Jack: "It's hard to drive or shoot when your windshield is covered with paint."   This led to the following conversation a few weeks later...   Byte Force: "What chemicals can I cook up for you today?" Happy Jack: "Paint for grenades. I'd like something that works a bit better than what we already have." Byte Force: "What are you looking to change?" Happy Jack: "Could you mess with the viscosity and surface tension? I'd like it to stick better to vehicle  windshields. And if they run windshield wipers, I'd like that to just smear the paint around without clearing it off." Byte Force: "Okay. That might be possible..." Happy Jack: "And could you include something that has a bit of an exothermic reaction? It doesn't need to be too strong. Just push the temperature of the paint over body temperature so it blocks infrared and thermographic vision." Byte Force: "Heh. That still won't help you much if the vehicle has radar." Happy Jack: "I was just getting to that. Could you mix in tiny particles of metal in order to scatter radar beams?" Byte Force: "****! Do you want the paint to yodel too, so it blocks sonar?" (long pause) Happy Jack: "That's a good idea ... but that might be a bit too much to expect from paint."     Needing no explanation...   Audacity Jane: "Of course dragons are at the top of the food chain. I can't eat that much."
  7. Like
    New Hero reacted to Houston GM in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    That reminds me of a couple things I pulled in MMOs. (In general, names have been changed ... because I can't remember them.)
     
    -------------------------
     
    in Everquest (the original one)
     
    I was running my bard (Staccato) through West Freeport (one of the starting cities), when I heard the following...
     
    Newbie: "Everyone watch out! There's a druid killing noobs in the arena!!!"
    Dr00d: "free druid buffs in the arena"
     
    I checked the list of players in the zone, and the Dr00d was the second highest level player ... a 34th level druid.
    The highest level player was Staccato ... a 60th level bard.
     
    The list didn't mention that Staccato worshiped the Tribunal ... the gods of justice.
     
    What happens when a follower of the Tribunal discovers that a druid is making false promises in order to trick newbies into getting killed?
    What happens when the druid announces that he's located in a free-for-all PvP Arena?
     
    Staccato entered the Arena invisibly. The Dr00d didn't notice Staccato until Staccato charmed him. When you're charmed, your avatar responds to all the normal pet commands. Some of them are lots of fun in PvP.
    Dr00d: "Staccato is my master."
    Dr00d: "Staccato is my master."
    Dr00d: "Staccato is my master."
    Staccato: "You got that right."   Charm only lasts for 30 seconds, and you have to wait for it to break before you can reapply it. I was a little worried that the Dr00d might escape when charm broke, so I quickly switched over to mezzing him ... because I could do that forever.  
    Well, maybe not forever. After about 5 minutes, the Dr00d decided that he could disconnect from the internet, which would disconnect him from the game and log him out. Of course, his avatar stayed in the game for another 15 seconds. How long do you think it takes a 60th level bard to kill a 34th level druid?
     
    Less than 15 seconds.
     
    Staccato: using guildchat "There was a druid offering free buffs to newbies in the Freeport Arena, then killing them."
    Guildmember #1: "That's horrible."
    Guildmember #2: "I ought to go there and kill him."
    Staccato: "Too late. I beat you to it."
    Guildmembers: "lol"
     
    Two minutes later...
     
    Dr00d: in a private message "u killed me"
    Staccato: "Yep. If I catch you killing newbies again, I'll kill you again."
    Dr00d: "u made me lose xp."
    This was surprising. PvP kills aren't supposed to cause XP loss.
    Staccato: "Serves you right."
    Dr00d: "i reported u to the gms"
    Staccato: "For killing you in the Arena? Let me know when they laugh in your face."
    Dr00d: "im goin 2 report u 2 ur guild get u kicked out"
    Staccato: in guildchat "The druid is back. He wants to report me to my guild."
    GuildOfficer #1: "Give him my name. I want to tell him off."
    GuildOfficer #2: "Me too."
    GuildOfficer #3: "Definitely give him my name."
    Staccato: in a private message to the Dr00d "Several officers are online. Would you like a list of names?"
     
    -------------------------
     
    In City of Heroes
     
    This took place in The Hollows, which is a low-level zone. The Hollows were very dangerous to travel through. There were obstructed lines of sight, so you could run into enemies before you spotted them. The enemies hung out in large groups, capable of quickly killing most newbies. And newbies didn't have advanced travel powers (Fly, Superspeed, Superleap, Teleport), which would help them cross the zone quickly and safely.
     
    Newbies could get access to low level travel powers (i.e. Hover, Recall Friend). Even though Hover was painfully slow (slower than walking, and who does that in an MMO) it was popular because it was the only safe way to get yourself across The Hollows. Recall Friend was also useful. It allowed you to teleport your teammates to a spot near you. If you could get to the entrance of the mission (without dying), you could safely bring your teammates to the mission. This saved time, since newbies would sometimes die multiple times when trying to get to missions.
     
    Good samaritans would also offer to use Recall Friend to help newbies leave The Hollows. You would invite them to your team, they would teleport you to a spot near them (and they'd be near the zone entrance), and you'd safely leave.
     
    On the day this occurred, I was playing my Warshade. Warshades were a prestige class, and they got one perk that set them apart at low levels ... Warshades got the Teleport power for free at level 1. I had also chosen the Recall Friend skill, since it's useful for helping teammates.
     
    ...
     
    I was using Teleport to leave The Hollows one day, and I noticed something strange. Near the entrance, there was someone standing on top of the guard tower, and there were several heroes inside the guard tower. The person on top of the guard tower wasn't too strange. Newbies could hover to get to the roof of the guard tower. But it wasn't possible for people to run, jump or fly through the windows of the guard tower. They weren't big enough.
     
    I watched for a few minutes until I figured out what was going on. The windows were big enough to teleport through. One person had used Hover to get to the roof of the guard tower. He then offered to team up with people and use Recall Friend to help them leave The Hollows. The inside of the guard tower was close enough to the roof for him to dump the newbies inside. Once they were there, he would disband from the team and they were stuck.
     
    I snuck back out into The Hollows, and pretended like I needed a ride out. He used Recall Friend to dump me into the guard tower -but- as soon as I landed in the guard tower, I used Recall Friend to teleport him right next to me. He disbanded, then realized he was stuck inside with everyone else. I then invited all of his victims to team up with me. I used Teleport to get out of the guard tower, then used Recall Friend to get everyone else out too.
     
    Except for the "hero" who had pulled the stunt. I left him there.
  8. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    The team is heading off to the UK, despite the surveillance state, draconian laws, and the fact the entire country is secretly run by Druids.

    Felix: It was more of an excuse to get out of town for a while. The number of gunslingers coming after you to prove themselves was getting annoying.
    Inkubus: Were they female and hot?

    Our metal Mage also has misgivings about the climate in Scotland.

    Inkubus: You guys are so insistent on getting me one day to wear a shirt.

    The team busy themselves getting ready - in Felix's case, the props and books and trivia he'll need to pass as a birdwatcher.

    Inkubus: I'm heading down to DocWagon's to get my venereal shots. If you're going in as a bird watcher, and they ask 'are you own too?' I want to at 'sure, here's my papers.... You do call them birds over here, don't you?'.

    Felix: What the hell is a Cosmic Mindf**ker?
    Inkubus: I don't think there is such a thing.
    Greenlight: Will you be quiet? I'm on the phone!
    Inkubus: She'll think you're out with me with a comment like his.

    But since it'll be a week until our fake Ids, visas, and tickets can be arranged, we accept the offer of a job in the mean time (more to the point the game was three players short, so the GM had to bring another scenario forward). Plus, a little extra pocket money for the trip will be nice.

    The client wants to meet at a wildly stereotypical Japanese-themed club.

    Inkubus: If the doormat starts sprouting haiku I'm out of here.

    Greenlight: Hey, Bubbles - you know the difference between you and me? I had an alias picked out when we met.

    The club serves wild-caught tuna.

    Felix: Hang about, I want to run the mercury wand over this.

    Client: Have you ever herd of the Policlub 'Association Paranobilis'?
    Inkubus: Do I get to f**k with them? Do I get to f**k with them? Do I get to f**k with them?
    Client's fixer: ...yes?
    Inkubus: I used to be one of them. Elven lifestyle supremacists and wannabes. Riding around on swords and waving unicorns and that shit.

    GM: They've been killing elves that don't live up to their standards of skipping through meadows singing.

    The unidentified client wants us to assassinate a number of the APN leadership, and as many of the others as we can, with a bonus if we leave a certain letter with the bodies, and bring back the tips of their surgically altered ears. We decline to do the last - we'll kill them, but we won't mutilate them, even if they are arseholes. We have SOME standards.

    The APN are certainly worth mockery and contempt - not least because of their eschewing of modern technology, and especially weaponry. Inkubus is more cautious.

    Inkubus: Don't knock a bolas, that shit can f**k you up.

    The APN is in the shadow of the Renraku arcology.

    Felix: The place where the sun don't shine.

    Felix check the letter we're supposed to read - it's the front page of that manuscript we stole from the publishers. That probably explains why we were hired for this job, but it doesn't pay in this business to be TOO inquisitive. Plus, we'll be out of the country when the shit hits the fan, hopefully.

    Inkubus: Hold these.
    Greenlight: A Mage with three guns?
    Inkubus: Happiness is a warm gun.

    Inkubus uses the Fashion spell to redesign his clothes to fit in to the Policlub.

    Greenlight: I take back everything I said - you DID learn fashion sense after you left these arseholes.

    Inkubus: I'm going to need help with this...
    Felix: Is this where you quote more Beatles songs?

    Inkubus: I have no problem with you calling these guys PEGs
    Greenlight: The only elf slur I've heard is knife-ears and that just sounds badass.
    Inkubus: They call them dandelion-eaters around here.
    Greenlight: Never heard of it - and I've seen you put some weird stuff in your mouth.
    Felix: Hey, dandelion leaf salad is bloody good, ok.
    Greenlight: Alright, dandelion-eater.
    Inkubus: Actually, he's right - his dandelion salad is really good - you should try it. And this is the perfect conversation to be having when we walk in

    And indeed, that's what we do, walking in the door like we own the place, overwhelming the guards with Inkubus' silver tongue and knowledge of elven 'culture'.

    GM: They're wearing studded armour and carrying swords.
    Felix: And they're Lvl 20 bards, every one.

    Greenlight: And Inkubus has to resist prancing around like Peter Pan.

    Guard: Did you hear that, that guy was speaking Sparathiel!
    Greenlight: 'I'm so freaking hard right now!'

    Greenlight: These guys better not have made Tolkien an honorary elf.
    Felix: Too late.
    Inkubus: And all the banners are in Quenya. *headdesk*

    Greenlight: You have to admit they take their LARPing seriously.
    Inkubus: The only problem is people die.

    Greenlight: What was the proper Elven name for Elrond's domain?
    Inkubus: ....* Hisses* I wouldn't f**king know.

    Greenlight: I'm sorry, but hippies don't kill people - this is a cult.
    Inkubus: Tell it to Charles Manson

    Our swing through the building is interrupted by a young elf girl, who apparently is allowed to wander the building, sleeping on couches, except when the Policlub can actually bother to notice her. We are righteously annoyed at this evident neglect, and plan to get her out of the building before we start shooting people in the face.

    Felix: Your little brother is going to need a playmate.
    Greenlight: My little brother could break someone's arm.... This is going to be such a f**ked-up family.
    Inkubus: Who said you get to keep her? ... Actually you're right, I'd be a terrible father

    Inkubus amuses the child with a summoned Watcher spirit. Tinkerbell from the movie in polished chrome instead of green, jet black hair, and lots of piercings.

    GM: There's a little parking lot.
    Greenlight: Do they have Flintstone cars?
    GM: Bikes.
    Greenlight: Heresy. I'm pretty sure Elrond's didn't have a bicycle.


    GM: Part of the garage has been converted into a stable for at first glance appears to be a unicorn.
    Greenlight: At first glance a donkey with a ice cream cone on it's head would pass.

    GM: I don't even know why the girl is even in this module.
    Felix: To make us feel guilty is we just blow up the building.
    Greenlight: Seeing a girl running around on fire after we nuke the place WOULD be pretty dark, even for Shadowrun.

    GM: You don't see many red-headed elves.
    Inkubus: Praise be for the long Elven lifetime. I can afford to wait.
    Greenlight: .... No. NO. Just f**king NO.

    We return to the foyer to abuse the guards about the neglect of the girl, and threaten to come back and give a very harsh appraisal of the policlub's standards of proper elven behaviour.

    GM: I hate it when I feel as guilty as the NPC

    Guards: Audit? Audit? What's an audit? Oh f**k, they audit!? I know what we do to people we don't think are elven enough!

    We drop the girl off at Titus'.

    Greenlight: You know what a naga is? They're the coolest babysitters ever!
    Inkubus: Just don't pull on his tail, they don't like that.

    The child isn't stupid - certainly she's smarter than the guards - and she's already figured out we're actually hunting people. She does ask us not to kill the Woman in Red, since that one is occasionally kind to the girl, and has expressed misgiving about the policlub's various murders. Awkward, since she's one of the targets, but I'm sure we can come up with something.


    Driving back to the APN to carry out the kills. Greenlight and Inkubus discuss a woman they've been calling the Bubblegum Orc.

    Greenlight: That's what you call Distinctive Style. She's a perfect match for you.
    Inkubus: You're right. I think I might actually be considering becoming a one-woman elf... Actual mono... Monog... Monog... Mon.
    Greenlight: Monogamy.

    The guards, as we hoped, have fled their posts ahead of their threatened audit. After that, it's easy for us to sneak through the building, magically disguised or invisible, silencers and gun-cams ready.

    One of the bodyguards gets picked off while he's using the toilet facilities.

    Felix: Is he targeting the Jar-Jar Binks urinal puck?

    We find the Woman in Red asleep in her room. She is somewhat alarmed to find three gunbarrels prodding her in the head.

    Greenlight: Hi. Twenty-first century calling.

    Inkubus: You know why we're here. We're here to kill you. But you've been lucky - you have an advocate - someone who's asked us to spare your life. So, is it true? Are you against the killings? Because if it is we're going to give you a second chance.

    She agrees (but who wouldn't, at this point) so Greenlight fakes a few bulletholes with her makeup kit, Felix shoots her with gel rounds so we have gun-cam proof of the hit, and we press on - we'll pick her up on the way out.

    Inkubus and Greenlight also shoot somebody that attempts magic on them. Not because he was a magician, but because he was out of his gourd on Better Than Life chips and the two magic-users are personally affronted by this travesty.

    Inkubus: I've done some bad things. My friend over there has done some bad things as well, but he's gone out of the way to do good things too, and his life isn't as f***ed up as mine.
    Felix: Donated to the 'Save the Northwest Tree Octopus' fund.
    Inkubus: Maybe there's something to this Karma thing.

    Inkubus tries to summon a metal spirit to conceal our progress. Given this is a former fire station, maybe he can summon a fireman-slash-nude calendar model? He and Inkubus can compare pecs.

    The spirit proves difficult to summon. Perhaps the way Inkubus wanted its aid against elven posers, and Inkubus is elven himself, was complicating things.

    Greenlight: This firefighter is racist as f**k.

    Inkubus: I'm picturing the Old Spice guy. 'Look at him. Now look at me. Sadly, I'm the elf you can't be. But you can smell like me.'

    Magically shrouded by Old Spice Guy, we press on. Two of the Policlub members are enjoying themselves in the shower. This earns a thumbs up from Purrdence, in the Peanut Gallery. They're both male, earning two thumbs up.

    We consider the scene for a while, before Greenlight advances. Inkubus hopes she isn't about to kill them both.

    Inkubus: You want their last thought in life to be being cockblocked?

    Instead, she uses the shock baton somewhere sensitive.

    Inkubus: In a few years we're going to hear about an elf that used to be in a poser gang, who gets to the verge of orgasm and then needs his partner to hit him with a cattle prod.

    GM: Roll dodge.
    Greenlight: Dodge what?!?!

    Inkubus: You know how hard it is -
    Greenlight: I don't want to hear about how hard you are!

    Inkubus: You're the first Shadowrunner I've heard of that's had to dodge an ejaculation.
    Felix: I filmed it all with my phone XD
    Greenlight: I'm tasering you next

    GM: You have one remaining target - he's down in the basement.
    Felix: The unicorn?
    Greenlight: The unicorn was the mastermind the whole time!

    We collect the Woman in Red and have the spirit expand its invisibility effect over all of us.

    Felix: Otherwise there's be some very odd looks as her body floats past.
    Greenlight: And they can't quite see us.
    Felix: I suppose we could always do the Weekend at Bernie's thing with her.

    Greenlight: He's probably sleeping with the unicorn - wouldn't put it past him.
    Felix: Unicorn f**kers - new name for them.
    Inkubus: For elf posers, anyway.

    Job down, we head off to collect the rest of the money - only the one paypacket for this job. And, indeed, it's lacking the bonus bounty on ears.

    Felix: If the client is annoyed about not getting the ears, I do have have film footage he might find amusing, anyway XD

    Felix: You know, we may have just killed those wannabes on behalf of an actual elf supremacist.
    Greenlight: Do you care?
    Felix: Not particularly. The pay was good.
  9. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    In which things go quite well, right up until Cassius screws up even more spectacularly than Aladar has ever managed.

    Our starship has been involved in a prang - it's currently jammed tight in the starboard macrocannon batteries of the Ardent Crown, an inert Imperial cruiser on a collision course with the hiveworld Solace.

    Cassius: The primary objective is 'Get our ship free'. The second primary objective is 'not let Aladar drive'.
    Aladar: Oi!
    Jrska: That's just common sense.

    Of course, gaining control of the Ardent Crown's engines and plowing it into Solace at solar escape velocity is also desirable - if we can rig the ship's warp engines to fire as it enters the atmosphere it will just add to the Chaos. Literally.

    Complications - there's an Eldar ship off the port side of the cruiser.

    Jrska: Personal objective - capture at least one Eldar alive to torture to death and beyond. I'm a big fan of the Eldar and I have so much to show them.
    Aladar: Personal Objective - actually get to use my Hellhammer lascannon.

    He might get the chance to, too - with suspensors and power armour, there's nothing stopping him from running up to somebody and using the lascannon on them at point blank range. Since we're dedicating this particular mission to Khorne, The Lord of Blood, he swears to make eight kills in His name. Jrska, on the other hand, finds a nice balance between the oath to the Skull Throne, and her own fealty to Slaanesh, the Prince of Pleasure. She'll take her fanatical retinue of followers along with her.

    Jrska: After all, I have to have someone around to skullfuck.
    Cog: *headdesk*

    Before we head into the other ship, that Storm Crow Dreadnought that Jrska has been breaking in is begging to speak to her. By the looks of things, 12 months without sleep, and being a quadruple amputee anyway, is finally starting to break the space marine's will.

    Dreadnought: Please! I beg you! Send me against anyone but my battle-brothers, I'll kill anyone you want me to, do anything you want me to do, just let me move again!
    Jrska: Oh, I wish we could oblige you - I understand your need to spill blood, your need to feel arterial spray across sensors.... But I fear my Lord Cassius and the rest of us will be busy slaying the vile Xenos for a few hours and can't take the time to have you hooked up. But don't worry, I've got just the thing to keep you occupied. *switches Nyan-cat back on*
    Dreadnought: Why does it have a hat?! I've seen to the end of this! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-*mind finally breaks and he starts singing along*

    Jrska: When we let him loose we'll have to edit his HUD so a Nyan-cat is pasted over everybody we want him to kill.

    Cassius has the chastise the tech priests for 'borrowing' the dreadnought's assault cannon. They just couldn't resist the chance to play with such a finely engineered kill-machine.

    GM: You don't understand the kind of thrill the Adeptus Mechanicus get out of firing an assault cannon.
    Jrska: Oh, I understand that sort of geek appeal. After all, I'm very interested in Chymistry myself, and not just the recreational kind. Just thinking about hydrophilic end groups... *delighted shiver* Surfactant chemistry gets me wet.
    Cog: *thinks about this, gets the pun, and winces in pure pain*

    Jrska: I can do such fun things with an Eldar's spirit stone...
    Cassius: * nods*
    Jrska: So nice and smooth and rounded.
    Cassius: ....Oh no
    Jrska: Eldar Ben-wa balls.

    Jrska's minions joyfully oil each up to slip through the air ducts.

    Jrska: I supervise XD

    Cassius: I'm too arrogant to be paranoid.
    Jrska: And I likes surprises.

    Cassius: The tech-priests are very paranoid about insects anywhere near their cogitators. They say the ancients spent much time dealing with the problem.
    Cog: ?
    Cassius: Bug checking.
    Cog: *facepalm* My own cogitators must be running a bit hot today.
    Cassius: Need more cooling fans, do you?

    Predictably, we promptly get lost in the maze of the Ardent Crown's corridors.

    Cassius: I'm used to having Scouts for this shit
    Jrska: And I don't care, I like surprises.
    Cog: That's your answer for everything 'half the crew is dead' ' I like surprises!'
    Jrska: Slaanesh XD

    We find evidence that the Eldar are, or have been, aboard - including Warp Spiders, Eldar warriors with teleporters and monomolecular webcasters. Worse, we also find scraps of armour and evidence that there are Tyranids aboard.

    Cassius: They are rapacious. A force of nature. They can not be touched by The Emperor or Chaos. They exist only to strip worlds bare of life and convert it all into their own twisted kind.
    Jrska: Well, that's no fun.
    GM: I would make you roll a willpower check for your men, but you're terrifying.
    Cassius: More terrifying than the Tyranids.

    Aladar decides now is a good time to unpack the lascannon.

    Cassius: My thought is 'now I don't need to keep monitoring Aladar's usefulness'. Because Cog and Jrska are of obvious utility, but I look at you and think 'why do I keep him around?'

    We find the bridge, and hollowed out black space marine armour. Cassius is now genuinely perturbed.

    Cassius: Deathwatch.
    Jrska: My lord?
    Cassius: The Deathwatch go in where armies fail. There are no finer warriors in the Imperium.
    Jrska: And I'm thinking 'obviously my lord is unaware of the warriors of the Screaming Vortex and the Eye of Terror.' But I'm not going to say that.

    Aladar: I pocket the pauldron.
    Cog: Pocket!?
    Jrska: Just wear it as a hat.

    And then we're attacked by Genestealers. Cassius immolates two and goes to Cog's aid.

    Cassius: I don't want them killing the guy that fixes my armour and that I'll need to rebuild my legion.
    Cog: I'm sure you could find a replacement.
    Cassius: Yes, then I'd have to break him in, train him, make sure he does whatever I say....

    Jrska has a grand old time with her recently demon-enhanced neural whip 'Pain-tongue' - stripping exoskeletal plates, ribcage, and spine off the one that attacks her. Aladar, alarmed that somebody is going to steal one of his kills, tries to beat Jrska to the the next one. She just wants to see if she can decapitate somebody with a whip (the answer is 'yes').

    Jrska: He's coming to rescue me, how sweet - I have him well trained. Now roll on your back so can run your belly, sweety.

    Aladar: New goal for Jrska - seduce a Genestealer.
    Jrska: Not possible, alas. Plus I don't particularly want a Genestealer's Kiss.
    Aladar: Faceful of Alien Wing-wong.

    Cog: I'm a bit worried about our ablative meatshield - i.e the crew.

    Actually, the minions do pretty well, swamping the Genestealers with sheer numerical advantage and raging bloodthirstiness. Jrska tries on the dead Deathwatch marine's cloak.

    Jrska: Do I look pretty?
    Cassius: You look like someone who's going to be tripped over.

    She keeps wearing it anyway, and have two of her minions carry the end like a bridal train.

    Cassius: Yogurt. You know what yogurt really is? Cheese, not trying hard enough.

    Cassius' player: We're thinking of getting a table to put the bar fridge on. Or an ottoman.
    Jrska: I can see me doing that. Hiring a Turk to hold a fridge up. Or 'Come rest your feet on the Algerian poof'

    We find the bulk of the Tyranid organisms nesting around the engine. Most of them are equipped with close combat biomorphs - great for fighting in the corridors, not so good for them in a chamber with long line of sight, and we have a lascannon. And Cassius has his psi abilities.

    Cassius: This is why so many Imperial psykers turn to Chaos - these psychic powers actually have range.

    Cassius: When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles - and set something on fire.

    And this is when Cassius screws up. He risks Pushing one of his abilities - and is sucked screaming into the Warp. Normally, this would be instantly and unavoidably fatal, but since he earned Quasideamonhood last session this kind of thing was going to start happening anyway. He'll be back, sooner or later. Unfortunately, that Deamon that got trapped in his force staff gets left behind, much to its delight.

    Cassius: I've decided to go poof. But not Algerian.
    Jrska: So you opted to be sucked into the Warp.... And left that greater daemon from your staff behind you.
    Cassius: I fail to see how this is my problem.

    Jrska: My lord! You have achieved full deamonhood!
    Deamon: Raarrgghhhhh!
    Jrska: My lord?
    Cassius' player: 'I am not that simpering fool!' You have to let me play this daemon.

    This, and the surviving Tyranids are converging on us. Now would be a good time to start running....
  10. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Me: Did I tell you about the recent developments in Van's ponyfic?
    Purrdence: ....no?
    Me: He needed an obnoxious but charming character that's achieved a position of influence through sheer fluke. And then he thought of Ian.
    Purrdence: Oh god no...
    Me: Paddy McGinty has been ponified.
    Purrdence: *doublefacepalm and muffled screaming*
  11. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    The final instalment of our efforts to turn a conventful of Sisters of Battle into a place run by nun, sodomy and the lash.

    One thing potentially in our favour - the remains of St Recluse, in the convent's inner chapel. She, it turns out, was a psyker, something the Sisters very much don't want to be common knowledge, given the Imperium's attitude towards the gifted. They'd be even more unhappy if they knew the saint's spirit is still bound to her power armour, and has gone pretty much insane over the centuries. Cassius' plan is to talk her into taking that last step.

    Jrska: Well, we've got something here that we don't entirely understand, and could be hellishly dangerous. Here, Aladar - go poke it with this stick.

    The Celestan in charge of the convent-asylum has run off to deal with the desecration of one of the chapel relics. The warband are going over the chapel with a fine tooth comb, ostensibly to seek any other signs of corruption, in fact so they can get good images of the dead saint's armour, so we can craft a fake and Aladar can steal the original pauldron. It's Aladar's kleptomania that nearly dooms us.

    He's at the top of the ladder when his hand brushes the armour. This is when the daemon he picked up on Q'sal, and that the rest of us were unaware of, decides to burn its way out of him and into the relic power armour. The dead saint screams, and so does Aladar.

    Happily, Cog kicks the ladder out from under Aladar, severing the connection and as it happens cutting the daemon neatly in two. The saint eats one half, and the rest will bleed warpstuff into whatever weapon Aladar uses in future. So all that's OK. The problem is that one of the Sisters of Battle assigned to guard us saw it all happen.

    Aladar: What did I do? What did I do?
    Jrska: You fucked up. i.e. situation normal.

    Naturally, we have to kill her before she can raise the alarm. And then frame her as the actual traitor. Cassius hands me the battle-nun's boltgun.

    Cassius: Cherish this moment - shoot me.
    Jrska: *pauses momentarily to memorise every sensation and image of what I'm about to do*

    Jrska: So, out of all the warband members, which of us would have bet would blow our cover? *glances pointedly at Aladar*
    Cassius: Actually, I had it even odds it would be him or you.

    The Celestan is appalled that that really were traitors at the convent, and worse, one of her own guards. LOL.

    Jrska: As I told you not a hour ago, the enemy is perfidious - they may come to as a friend, a trusted ally, or even in the guise of an agent of the Throne itself.
    Cassius OoC: If you botch this it's because you're giggling too hard.

    Just as well Cog implanted all those back doors into the security systems too, since he's going to have to edit all that camera footage. And, of course, we have to plant evidence convicting the dead nun. Having our 'Asset' Cassius stand guard of the body, while the Celestan and the rest of us review the footage, will give the space marine psyker a chance to pour mutating energies into the corpse. But not too much :

    Jrska: If the body starts sprouting tentacles, they might wonder why they didn't notice in the showers. Or the volleyball courts. Just a little bit of corruption. A soupçon. XD

    The Celestan: How could I be so blind!
    Jrska: XD
    Cog: Stop giggling.

    Aladar's burn injuries are suspiciously weird, even for the overloading plasma weapon we blame them on. Jrska distracts attention from them by dismissing Aladar as expendable compared to 'the Asset'.

    Jrska: It's an in-character reason for preferring Aladar to be dead.
    Cassius: Not really - he has proven useful in the past.
    Jrska: In character for the character my character is currently pretending to be

    The edited footage includes plenty of extra static.

    The Celestan: I thought this problem was fixed
    Cog: I was rushed. *looks pointedly at the Celestan*
    Cassius: Nice - put the blame on her.

    The Celestan confesses about the true history of St. Recluse.

    The Celestan: When this sector was being reclaimed for humanity a saint was raised, Saint Drusus, may he strike our foes - this is common knowledge. What is not well-known is the other saint. The Recluse. She is the reason why this section of space, this planet and this tower is under the rightful ownership of the God-Emperor, may he watch over us.
    There was....there is a problem.
    Knowledge is Power and it must be guarded well, in the wrong hands it can be as dangerous as any weapon, and as such the history of The Reclusive Saint is restricted even to members of the Inquisition. I apologise for withholding information which may matter for your case but I needed proof of infiltration. This sword - and the traitor - is clear indication that some unholy being, may they be cursed to damnation, has slipped our guard. Very well...

    And the Celestan shows us the OTHER relic guarded by the convent-asylum-fortress - a biography and prophecy of the Recluse.

    I Sister Andrase of the Holy Order of the Watch, Adeptus Soriatus, Loyal and faithful servant of the God-Emperor do swear that the following information is correct.
    From what we can gather from the surviving records of the time, the saint referred to as The Recluse was a member of the Emperors’ Imperial Guard; on this planet and on too many others, a filthy Xenos civilisation dared stand up to the righteousness of man, with their filthy warp-spawned magiks they drew power and opened portals to outflank our faithful. The Recluse was part of a final push by the surviving Imperial Guard, Sisters of Battle and the few Angels that strode the battlefield. Their target; the citadel which once sat upon this very mesa, it was in this battle that our salvation and dilemma manifest. The Guardswoman later known as The Recluse was a nascent psyker, she herself may have not known, but alas such information is beyond me. Either way her psykic curse awoke on that battlefield and she took to the sky an avatar of fire and destruction. She proceeded to burn through to the enemies portal that lay at the centre of their stronghold. It was said that fires raged across the heavens as she burnt the entire xenos network from the inside. When others arrived they found her skin burnt black but eyes glowing gold with the Emperor's might. She was dead but yet she spoke, and all who heard laid claim that it was the Emperor who spoke through her; she was encased in the armour found in our reliquary, so that she may move. There is little information known after that; what is known is that she demanded this tower built and isolated so that it may hold 'those who are lost but of sound faith, those who still fight but are broken within' and wrote a guide to find those who shall dwell there.

    There's also a prophecy, predicting that Joanna would be be the last Sister taken into the Convent-asylum, and more.

    "The Machined and The Cog , more human than The Changed and The Cursed , shall seek the lost brothers of age; they will knock The Crown and see death fall upon a spike of Comfort, the soulless shall awaken and the changed will rise"

    Now all that remains is to pick six - the number is sacred to Slaanesh - nuns to take with us, and finish the corruption of the remainder.

    Jrska: I'll interrogate the guards and inmates to 'uncover suspects'. Teach them to embrace the pain as proof of their piety. Plant the idea that the sensation is the important thing.
    GM: That might not work - they sort of do
    Jrska: But I still get to flog naked battle-nuns - I go home happy either way XD
    Cassius: *sigh*

    Cassius picks six nuns to 'take back to Scintilla for further interrogation'. All in all, our mission has been so successful that over the next decade as the people of Voluptua offer worship to their increasingly deranged local saint, the entire population will pick up at least two spontaneous mutations - 36 points of corruption to everybody on the planet.

    Cassius: We planted the seeds of doubt. In a convent.
    Jrska: On a shrine world XD

    Jrska: Slaanesh has leaned down from the heavens to pat us all on the head and say 'good little mortals'.
    Cassius: All the gods are pleased - Slaanesh, obviously. Tzeench because of the mutations we'll have caused. Nurgle because of the despair when the populace gets increasingly frantic and their prayers just make things worse, and Khorne...
    Jrska: Because of the carnage when the Imperium turns up to stomp the population flat.

    Our rewards are profound - Jrska gets a daemon weapon. This is not necessarily a good thing.

    Jrska: Submission is fun, but not all the time! Deamonweapons are a bit opinionated about which end of the arm is in charge.

    Cassius is rewarded with Quasideamonhood.

    Jrska: Halfway there, my lord!

    Cassius: Being around all that piety was intensely annoying. Let's dedicate the next compact to Khorne so we can just kill something.

    And so off to further ensure the ruination of the Imperium. The Navigator reports an annoying psychic presence hanging off the prow.

    Cassius: Follow that saint.

    And we have been, for days, when the ship is suddenly precipitated out of the Warp and crashes headlong into an Imperial Cruiser.

    Jrska: I've bruised my coccyx. Hey, you - kiss it better.

    Jrska: *paging the bridge* Aladar, sweety, what have you done?

    Jrska: Warp engines aren't for propelling us through the Warp - they're for goatse'ing the fabric of space and time.

    We've collided with the inert bulk of the Ardent Crown. That sounds suspiciously prophetic. It's also on a collision course with the planet Solace.

    As in Leman's Solace? Where Cassius, back when he was still a loyal transhuman killer for the Emperor, once led a brutal purge of the planet's military as part of an action against a potentially rebellious Governor?

    Alarming discovery - there's an Eldar ship docked to the far side of the wreck. And with us well and truly stuck until the work crews can cut us free, we're sitting ducks. Still, Cassius considers this an opportunity.

    Cassius: The Eldar do not move so brazenly without the guidance of a Farseer. Therefore there is something on the Ardent Crown that they want. Therefore I want it.

    And so off to kill Eldar - given that the collapse of the Eldar civilisation into superhuman debauchery created Slaanesh in the first place, I'm sure Jrska and the Xenos will have much to talk about.
  12. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Inkubus's player: Any character played by Andrei starts with the maximum Disadvantage - 'played by Andrei.'

    Greenlight's player: He was playing a Druid and refused to give his familiar a name. So we started calling it 'Class Feature'

    Anyway - our team have successfully stolen data on a mutagenic virus developed by Aztechnology, and avoided the wrath of the megacorp, and the human supremacy group that tried to hijack our run. We even handed over a major neonazi to the FBI, drained the terrorist bank accounts, went back a second time to kidnap the scientist responsible, at the behest of the Orc Underground, and rescued the Johnson that originally hired us. So far, the job has been very profitable - indeed, we've been paid six times already.

    And then Felix's grandfather the Aztechnology executive shows up. With any luck we can spin this into more pay.

    Grandpa Bethke has already figured out Felix had something to do with the theft, but is apparently playing this convivially, inviting his grandson to dinner to discuss Felix's future.

    Felix: My friends here are security consultants.

    The other runners would quite like to know how Felix's grandfather and bodyguards managed to track them down.

    Inkubus: Can I see your pocket secretary? Oh look, it's an Aztechnology device.
    Greenlight: No f**king wonder he was able to find us!
    Felix: It was a gift from my grandfather.

    Inkubus' player: You do know why Aztechnology was added to the game, don't you? It's to give Shadowrunners someone to shoot that don't have to feel guilty about.
    Felix: Eh, all propaganda by the other corps.
    Inkubus: *frustrated laugh-groan*

    Inkubus needles Felix about the fact they're housemates.

    Inkubus: Why do I get the impression that you haven't told your Grandfather you're living with another man?

    The restaurant for the meet-up is up-market, with a dress code.

    Inkubus: I could go in the outfit Felix keeps accusing me of owning - arseless chaps and bow tie.
    Titus: I'm going in my Mortimer of London outfit.
    Inkubus: So you're dressed the way people think Silent Bob did?
    Titus: ?
    Inkubus: Mortimers make coats. And that's all.

    The others are massively paranoid about the meet - the restaurant is Aztech-owned after all - but Felix is confident enough. After all, he wouldn't kill his own grandson, would he?


    Felix: Aztechnology would be pissed if anybody started something here, anyway.
    Inkubus: Unless they started it.
    Felix: Even so, it would be embarrassing.
    Inkubus: ... True.

    Plus all the furnishings are high-end enough to be good armour and improvised weapons. So the cloak room and security scanners wouldn't make much difference, even if they'd actually worked as intended.

    Felix: The Chef's special is always superb.
    Titus: If it isn't the chef becomes the next special.
    Felix: Try the pork.
    Inkubus: Never try the pork.

    Felix's granddad: I want you working right under me
    Warhammer: *mutters* That's some kinky shit.
    Inkubus: Damn you! I was managing to control myself and then you go and whisper that!

    The offer Grandpa Bethke is here to broker is that Felix returns to work for Aztech full time, under his Grandfather's supervision, and his associates all get 500k Nuyen each - enough to leave them set for life. It's certainly tempting - we just have to return the data.

    Pity we've already passed the data on - to a fourth party. We are holding on to a copy, to give to that Biogene Johnson once he regains consciousness, but no need to mention that.

    Inkubus: We're oath-bound to pass the data on.
    Felix: *looks apologetic*

    Inkubus: It also sits in my aura for a year and a day yelling 'OATH-BREAKER!'

    Grandpa Bethke doesn't believe Inkubus - he hasn't risen to management without knowing when someone is lying.

    Felix: Speaking hypothetically - if a Hypothetical first party was in possession of hypothetically embarrassing data, and a second party acquired this hypothetical data, wouldn't it make sense for the first party to take advantage of the distance? Especially if the second party had embarrassing connections to a hypothetical third party, and was open to a takeover offer from the first party, and a hypothetical part of the second party was about to rise in the hierarchy of this hypothetical party?
    Inkubus: I'm sorry - I'm usually good with parties, but you've lost me. Which party is which again?

    Felix: I'm sure that my associates, being security consultants, can analyse the night's events. For a nominal fee from the discretionary budget.

    Felix turns the job offer down.

    Felix: I'd be willing to work freelance, but I don't think I'm temperamentally suited to a nine-to-five job anymore.
    Inkubus: It's true - you're coping with the erratic sleeping hours much better these days.

    Felix's granddad: Let me talk this over with my superiors.
    Inkubus: Since he's a better bullshitter than I am he might even be able to make it fly - in fact, I'm going to assist

    Inkubus: If I make an arse of myself people don't notice want I AM getting away with.

    Felix's granddad: And what would they charge for this security report?
    Felix: Just the standard consultancy fee.
    GM: And what would that be?
    Inkubus: 5000 each?
    GM: He was going to offer you 20.
    Felix: Eh, we're playing nice.
    Inkubus: We're playing nice with the nice old man who is playing nice and didn't show up with a hit squad and the Jaguar Guard.

    Felix: So if we include the free meal that means we got paid eight times for one job.
    Inkubus: I would have settled for 'the chance to continue breathing'

    Inkubus: Your bodyguards and those guys at the door need to go back to school. *shows the heavy ceramic pistol he smuggled in*
    Greenlight: Teach me, oh master. Oh fine, if we're playing it this way. *shows the shock baton she smuggled in*
    Felix: *shrugs apologetically* Security consultants.

    Off to the hospital to let the original client know the good news - he'll still get the data, we saved his life, they're be some vacancies in the upper management coming up, and he'll be in a good position to take advantage of a buy-out offer that will soon be coming from Aztech.

    The Johnson: Being punched that many times hurts.
    Felix: Don't worry, they won't be hurting anybody ever again.
    Greenlight: *stage-whispers* We killed them.
    Warhammer: *stage-whispers* I see dead people.
    Greenlight: *stage-whispers* Before you shoot them.
    Titus: And Warhammer's a dwarf. Now I'm picturing a creepy voice coming out from under the bed.

    The illo of the Johnson in the module earns a certain amount of mockery, given the 70s fashion sense and porn moustache.

    Greenlight: He looks like a combination of a 70s crime drama and porn actor. 'Cleaning up the mean streets of 2050.'
    Warhammer: Now I'm waiting for the pool scene.
    Greenlight: John Walker, PI. I'm here to clean the pool - the gene pool.

    Warhammer writes up a security report on all the ways Aztechnology failed, and all the ways that wall-softening catalyst can be abused. True, this will make life harder for anybody attempting a run against Aztech in the future, but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it. Now to spend our great big pile of cash!

    Titus: I need to add a second level to the living quarters in my warehouse. And a giant heat rock for the naga.

    Greenlight: I'm spending the money on my little brother.
    Felix: His very own cyber-mastiff.

    He'll also have a Naga as a babysitter.

    Greenlight: I wouldn't feel right not paying you.
    Naga: Eh, what am I going to spend it on?
    Felix: Online shopping.
    Greenlight: True. Online, nobody knows you're a snake.

    Our fame in the shadows is now so high that people are coming out of the woodwork trying to make their reputations by calling us out. This shouldn't be a problem for Greenlight, given her many disguises, but as Felix points out, we do hang around with Inkubus, for whom 'attention' is as basic as need as oxygen. A nice simple job to get us out of our respective hide-outs will be nice, and Titus' bartender can hook us up with just the thing - a Run against a publishing house, on behalf of the well known fixer Mr Morlock.


    Greenlight: When I said you needed a new Pocket Secretary I didn't mean get two and play Ponies on them.
    Titus: It's Aztechnology's most popular brand.
    Felix: And the really rich kids can get their very own genetically-engineered pony.
    Pony: '..... Kill me.....'

    Orcs: Oi, chummer - you're not needed here. Go back to the Barrens where you belong.
    Titus: I'm bigger than them, and dressed better.
    Greenlight: You really want to play things this way? I don't need Intimidation, I have a troll.

    Mr Morlock: I am acting on behalf of a certain party.
    Felix: Ah, it's the parties again.
    Titus: We do a lot of work for parties.
    Felix: Is it the first party or the second party?
    Warhammer: I like parties.

    Morlock wants us to steal the latest handwritten manuscript from some famous elven writer. It's currently in a safe in the head editor's office. We're also need to scramble their servers, just in case they're already made a digital copy.

    Mr Morlock: Time is of the essence - you have a week.
    Titus: That's the longest timeframe we've ever been given.
    Greenlight: Holy shit, we can take our time on this one!

    Mr Morlock: You do have a reputation for accomplishing jobs with a minimum of violence. I appreciate that.
    Felix: *Mental image of Titus tackling a building.*
    Titus: I was just picturing standing on a roof and going 'ok, make a hole'

    Felix: I was going to go for exponential pay increase for early delivery. XD Get the job done today and he has to pay us the original fee to the power of seven.
    Titus: Go straight there and make a hole in the building.
    Greenlight: I think they want subtlety for this.
    Titus: Ok, throw a brick through a window and follow up by throwing in Greenlight.

    Instead our plan is to find out which delivery company is due to go to the publishers soon, hack our way into a job there, and arrive at the publishers in an expected truck, wearing actual uniforms and ID.

    GM: You get uniforms, name badges, & their Employee video
    Greenlight: What the hell, we'll watch it for a laugh
    GM: There's a rap.
    Greenlight: Willpower check.

    Publishers Security: ID.
    Greenlight: Sure thing, dude.
    Security: It checks out.
    Greenlight: Cool, dude.
    Felix: Righteous.
    Security: What you bringing in today?
    Greenlight: That IKEA crap, dude.

    Greenlight's player: I've got that hacking music from Shadowrun Returns stuck in my head now
    Titus's player: I had a machete, the hacking music was different for me

    Once inside, Titus and Warhammer start unpacking and assembling office furniture, while Greenlight and Felix step out of their overalls to reveal the office wear underneath, and the necessary props for the next stage.

    Felix: Carry a piece of paper and look like we're supposed to be here XD

    Publisher's secretary: You know it's Hawaiian Friday, don't you?
    Felix: Sorry, we're new.

    We loiter until the editor steps out for lunch, and discover her safe isn't electronic, it's an old-fashioned mechanical tumbler. We stare at it baffled for a moment.

    Felix: It's 'swordfish', it's always swordfish.
    Greenlight: I think I saw this in a movie once.

    Greenlight manages to open it anyway. For some reason, the client warned us not to touch anything else in the office, which is a shame, since it also contains a black credit stick - i.e : an absolute fortune in untraceable funds.

    GM: You press the display button - it contains 750,000 Nuyen
    Felix: F**k!
    Titus: If it's really a detonator, that would be a really nasty trick.

    We resist temptation, with difficulty. Stuffing the manuscript into our shirts we head back downstairs for stage 2 - back into the overalls and carrying server racks to their server rooms. After that, corrupting their database is easy, although Felix distracts the guard.

    Felix: *Singing loudly along to one of the Elementals's hits, out-of-tune*

    Felix: We've just stolen the manuscript for The Deathly Hallows
    Greenlight: Seventh Volume of A Song of Ice and Fire.
    Titus: 'Oh, you liked this character, did you? Moohoohahaha.'

    Felix browses through our acquisition - he did literature studies at college after all - but it appears to be a fairly tedious work by a famous elven writer, with ambiguous prophecy about the future of humanity.

    Titus: This is all hippy-dippy bullshit.

    Felix: And we get a paycheck from the delivery company too.
    Greenlight: Ppffftt!
    Felix: Paid twice for one job!
    All: *happy dance*

    Greenlight: I like your bartender - he always gets us the easy jobs.

    Greenlight has her own fixer - she has a job for us too. The client wants to meet at a famous seafood place.

    Ms. Kitty: How much do you like lobster?
    Titus: Normal lobster or Giant Tank Lobster? Which actually aren't that dangerous, really.
    Greenlight: I don't even know if I like lobster.
    Felix: I do.
    Greenlight: Get off the line!

    Felix: Do they provide their own lobster bibs and claw spanners?

    GM: For some reason despite being lowly Shadowrunners you keep going to the best restaurants in Seattle.
    Felix: Since Shadowrun chic is in fashion at the moment... Shall we?
    Titus: My Shadowrun outfit is body armour.
    Greenlight: And you'll fit right in

    Dressed as stereotypically as we can, we head to the restaurant.

    Felix: It'll be nice to get away from all the people trying to make their reputations.
    Greenlight: That's more Inkubus' problem.
    Felix: But they hang out in the hallway every evening.
    Greenlight: If he just loaded the air vents with tear gas like I told him...
    Warhammer: I even offered to install it for him.

    The client is hiring us for a job in the UK.

    GM: He even offers to pick up the tab for the meal. He'd better.
    Felix: Eh, we can afford it.
    GM: He ordered four lobsters!
    Felix: Eh, we can afford it.
    GM: They're 3 grand each!
    All: We can afford it!
    Felix: We could afford lobster pizza every movie night.

    Felix: He wants us to find an eleven-year-old boy with a scarred forehead and glasses. 'You may refer to the client as 'Mr No-nose'.
    Greenlight: 'Filthy mud-bloods - oh wait, you're all magically active, never mind'

    It's going to be a tricky Run - the UK in 2050 is even more of a surveillance state than they are in 2014. And their firearm, 'security consultant', and anti-magic laws are ridiculously harsh.

    Felix: Well, that explains why there aren't any Shadowrunners in the UK
    Greenlight: Yes, they're all in f**king jail!
    Titus: And why there aren't any mages - they all said 'f**k this' and moved to the states.

    But we're still confident. There don't seem to be any laws against Physical Adepts. And if Felix goes in as a bird watcher, that would explain the telescopes and binoculars. Plus, Aztech have a busy subdivision there, selling CCTV cameras to the Crown, which may provide a way out of the country should things go pear-shaped.

    So it's off to the UK, to be obnoxious American tourists...
  13. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Me: A Gelatinous Cube is an amusing monster - unless Ian is GMing, in which case it's a Total Party Kill.

    This got us onto the topic of deathtrap dungeon design - and yes, Ian and his Gelatinous Cube with a glowing sword it ate earlier was referenced - including dungeons that seem minor enough to attract lesser adventurers, but are in fact designed to harvest their loot. The nearest village, of course, gets a fifty-fifty split.

    Greenlight's player: The problem with that plan is that adventurers have families. Oh wait, no they don't. They spontaneously generate.

    The next hour is spent talking about My Little Pony, and interesting examples of the Human in Equestria genre of fanfic, such as the one recently written by Greenlight's player, featuring a English knight from the period of the War of the Roses, and which has already attracted enough attention to reach the top of the front page of FiMfiction.

    GM: Anyway, let's begin.
    Greenlight's player: Yes, let us begin and stop alienating my brother.

    Anyway - Mr B of the Orc Underground wants us to go back into that Aztechnology research park to rescue the geneticist responsible for the mutagenic virus. As it turns out, this isn't quite true, but since we're pretending to be virtuous Shadowrunners this week we agree to do so. This, on top of the initial 'finders fee', advance on the job, and looted Alamos20K funds, means we've already been paid four times for one job. If we rescue our Johnson from the NeoNazis, and if Felix's grandfather reacts the way he anticipates, we might end up bring paid 6 times.

    Anyway, since we blew up the the sewer as we left last time, we're going to need another way in. One of orcs leads us to the wall behind the Aztech complex's security and communications node. Blow that up, and the complex will be cut off from the outside world.

    GM: You're getting a tour of the sewers
    Inkubus: I really didn't need to know where lost his virginity

    Labrat gets to work. We still have a dose of the wall-softening catalyst, but Labrat is running short of shaped charges that will let us out again. Happily, if he leaves a few small blocks of hi-ex INSIDE the wall as we pass through, on a ten minute fuse, we can destroy the wall with ease.

    Inkubus: The chunky salsa rules

    Felix nips into the Astral to check for magical security, and sticks his head through the wall - and comes face-to-face with an Aztech security Mage just finishing his own astral patrol.

    Felix: I've just done the astral equivalent of climbing over the chain-link fence while the security guard was waiting on the other side.

    Inkubus comes to the rescue, after the initial exchange of spell fire and the other Mage rubs back to his body to raise the alarm. He does so by hitting the guy's Focus amulet with a Glue spell, neatly attaching the opponent to his chair in real life. He follows up with a summoned spirit to make sure the alarm isn't raised.

    Inkubus: What would a summoned Spirit of Man look like down here, anyway?
    Felix: They've been doing unholy experiments on people and making chimeras down here, and he's still glued to the chair, so... *grin*
    Security Mage: *looks up at the Frankenstein's Monster that just materialised* F**k.

    Happily its orders are merely to restrain the Mage (actually killing employees tends to annoy Megacorporations, who otherwise treat Shadowrunners as an unavoidable part of business life). We blow the security node and enter the facility, chatting about assorted ephemera while we wait for the plasteel wall to liquidise.

    Greenlight: So there's Monster High and My Little Pony : Equestria Girls.
    GM: They're making a live action movie of that.
    Felix: *boggles*
    Greenlight: Bullshit!
    GM: Monster High, not MLP
    Felix: Ah, THAT makes sense. How would they have gotten the ponies to talk, anyway?
    Inkubus: They're ordering peanut butter by the tonne.

    Inside the complex, they've obviously been slacking off on fire drills and the like. Practically everybody is continuing with their stocktake or card games despite the boom and the emergency lights coming on. Strolling through the complex shock-batoning or gel-bag shotgunning various technicians and security guards is a walk in the park.

    Technicians: Why have all the lights gone - ooof! What the? There wasn't a wall here before! *look up at the wall of troll*
    Inkubus as Titus: 'Group hug!' *grab*

    Felix: Now, who brought the plastic cuffs?
    Inkubus: Only the furry ones, and I didn't think they were appropriate.

    Felix: This is going to look very bad on their mid-year performance review.

    Felix: If my grandfather DOES question me about this I'm going to be very critical of the security in here.
    Titus as Felix: '*I* managed to get past it!'
    Felix: Twice! In one day!

    Some of the doors are closed, and arguments ensue. After all, the woman we're seeking might be in one of them. Should we pick the lock or just kick the door in?

    Felix: I've got an idea. *knock knock* No answer? Right then, on to the next room.
    Inkubus: *applause* Welcome to the world of using your brain in Shadowrun.

    Felix: I fear the main reason no-one has come running in response to the gunfire is because of all the extra sound-proofing on the rooms - to keep the screaming down

    Labrat: I shoot the dog
    Felix: pew pew pew!
    Titus: I'm now picturing an entire team of Shadowrunners that do nothing but make 'Pew pew pew' noises.

    One reason it's so easy is that we blast anybody that actually opens the door, and that we've already taken out the biggest danger - the Mage back in the first room, who currently has Frankenstein's Monster sitting on his head.

    Inkubus: Yay for circumventing the plot. And we weren't even in a boat this time!

    Some of the people in the complex have finally noticed the gunfire and are hiding under computer consoles, etc. We attempt to reassure one terrified young woman that we're not actually killing anybody - merely keeping everybody out of the way while we get on with the job - before stunning her and adding her to the pile.

    Greenlight: *to Inkubus!* Get the sexy on!
    Inkubus: Please tell me you didn't say that aloud.
    Greenlight: No?
    Inkubus: Preemptive cockblocking, wow.

    Labrat: *to Greenlight* you're up.
    Greenlight: What, I've got two X chromosomes and therefore I get to talk to women?
    Labrat: No, I'm inviting you over because you've got the stun baton.
    Felix: I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I think my brain derailed.


    Titus stocks his head into one room, notes the sneering corporate-type, his PA, and a nervous security operative, and closes the door again. These guys apparently noticed all the noise and decided staying put and hoping we'd pass them by was the safer option.

    Avatar: Could you tell whoever owned the dog that we're sorry about that? One of us really *really* doesn't like dogs.

    Especially heavily cybered Rottweilers.

    The last room is the main security centre of the Alpha complex, where a handful of technicians and security guards stand around in the emergency lighting being useless.

    Felix: You could always pop out from under a table and taser them in the groin.
    Greenlight: That's unsporting. I like it.

    Greenlight: Zapping a guy in the junk is very effective
    Inkubus: Yes.
    Felix: We know.

    It turns out our target is in one of the holding cells. There are Orc captives, apparently prepped for experimentation, in the others.

    Dr Carol Oates: I won't fall for any of your tricks, Peterhoff!
    Inkubus: Do I look like somebody that would work here?

    GM: There's two Ork women and three children. They're in hospital smocks. They huddle.
    Felix: Right. Can we shoot that Peterhoff guy on the way out?
    Inkubus: Labrat!
    Labrat: I pop my head in and tell them to come with us.
    Inkubus: Except we just called him Labrat. *headwall* Thud. Thud. Thud.

    Actually using our names during a run was probably a bad idea, too.

    Labrat sets up a large bucket of bleach and other cleaning chemicals, and a proximity detonator, outside the room with that exec - presumably Peterhoff.

    Labrat: This guy f**ks with orcs, I f**k with him.

    Apparently Peterhoff was planning to scapegoat Owens for the virus release that caused all the giant cockroaches etc earlier. Is there anything else in the complex we should know about?

    Dr Carol Owens: Just the bodies of the virus victims.
    Felix: That explains why they didn't answer the door then.

    Inkubus and Felix go Astral to clean up our forensic fingerprints. Titus carries our bodies off to the first rendezvous point. After all, we can return to them anytime, providing we don't get lost.

    Inkubus: That can be embarrassing. Mages - Do you know where your meat is?

    We deliver Owens to Mr B, and discover we may well have delivered her to her own execution.

    Mr B: Oh, Doctor Owens, I am ashamed.
    Inkubus: I am disappoint.

    Mr B: I want one good reason why I shouldn't have you shot.
    Warhammer: I'll do it for free.
    Greenlight: Shut up, Warhammer.

    Mr B and Owens knew each other before the former's goblinization, and he's followed her work on the metahuman gene complex. He is not happy, in the least, that she went on to work on creating chimeras, lethal viruses, and experimentation on orcs.

    The party convince Mr B that even if she had a choice about the way the way Aztechnology used her research, shooting her in the head and dumping her body in Puget Sound is wasteful, when she could instead be kept under house arrest in the Orc Underground and her knowledge put to good use.

    Inkubus: Never, ever, ever get rid of a potential asset. Sure, she done goof, but if you kill her she can't fix it. What are you, stupid?

    Inkubus: Not everybody gets a second chance - make the most of it.
    Felix: For one thing if Warhammer ever sees you on the street he'll probably shoot you.
    Titus: To be fair, that's a danger for everyone Warhammer meets.

    Time to deal with the other loose end - the Johnson from Biogene that hired us to steal the data in the first place. The terrorists that hijacked the run are holding him at an Alamos 20K safehouse out in the Barrens. If we rescue him, he may prove grateful, especially after the FBI raid Biogene to arrest his terrorist-sympathiser superiors.

    Happily, none of us have any particular qualms against killing NeoNazis - after all, they want to exterminate every nonhuman in the world, and they're just as phobic about magic.

    GM: Magic is bad, m'kay?

    Happily, their antipathy to magic means they have no defences against Felix and Inkubus scouting out the building Astrally. We even try to give the Johnson the heads-up about the imminent rescue.

    Inkubus: Don't worry, we're coming to get you out.
    GM: He's unconscious
    Felix: Eh, it's the thought that counts.

    GM: He's injured.
    Warhammer: Oh, that must be painful.
    Felix: ?
    Labrat: Having your Johnson injured.
    Inkubus: What is it with groin injuries and this group tonight?

    Felix, Inkubus, Labrat and Warhammer set up to snipe, and Greenlight sneaks right past the guards without being noticed. One even fails to notice strolling past three feet away.

    GM: He's too busy watching television - critical glitch XD
    Greenlight: Sieg Heil!
    Neonazi: *doesn't even look up* Ja, ja, Sieg Heil.
    Titus: Probably watching Orc porn
    Greenlight: Sounds about right

    The rest of the team drop all the terrorists they can see, and Titus charges the building to introduce the survivors to his little friend the five-foot sledgehammer.

    Titus: I run across the road. Straight at the wall. Ooh yeah!
    Felix: You know, we really need to rename him Kool-Aid.
    GM: You crash right through the drywall.
    Felix: 60-year-old drywall.
    Greenlight: Hulk smash!

    GM: He didn't even get to the end of the sentence.
    Greenlight: I'm not surprised - his pants were around his ankles.

    Felix: So what were his last words before Titus got to him?
    Greenlight: 'Protect me mien Fuhrer!'
    Labrat: '....troll!'

    Titus: To be fair, being responsible for twenty-five deaths isn't that different from your average Shadowrunner.

    Greenlight: Add it to the list - hit a Neonazi so hard he explodes.

    Greenlight: We exfiltrate, the Johnson over one shoulder.
    Felix: Does the house explode behind you for no apparent reason?
    Greenlight: Sure, why not.

    We're just getting back to our vehicles when two nondescript Ford Americars roar up, and street samurai get out. They aren't reaching for weapons, so we refrain from the obvious response. And then Felix's grandfather, the Aztechnology exec, gets out.

    This is going to be an interesting conversation...
  14. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    The continuing stoooooory of a band of traitors, renegades and cultists who are masquerading as acolytes of the Imperial Inquisition in order to corrupt a loyal order of battle-nuns, and instead found, as Aladar puts it "A nut-house built on an Indian burial ground".

    As we players arrive for the game -

    Me: They're just bees. They have no interest in you unless you actually molest them.
    Cassius's player: And that must be Drhoz. It's not just the volume, it's the content - bees and molesting.

    Speculation as to what the Emperor would actually think about the sorry state of the Imperium, if he ever woke up.

    The Emperor: I close my eyes for 10 millennia! You've trashed the front room! I told you, no parties!

    On the gaming rooms' collection of malfunctioning and naked Furbys.

    Cog's player: This is like one of Jrska's dreams.
    Cassius's player: I don't want Jrska to find out about Furbys. Especially the one with the realistic tongue.
    Cog's player: I want to find a planet with cute furry harmless animals.
    Me: No such thing in 40K.

    Cassius's player: Now we have two pun swords
    Me: Pun swords?
    Cassius's player: You make a pun, I hit you with this. It is your punishment.
    GM: Should you hit yourself then?
    Cassius's player: *does so*
    GM: It's a bit pun-y.
    Cassius's player: Puny? A Pune, a play on words?
    GM: I'm not good with words, ok?
    Cog's player: Zombie Shakespeare is rising from the grave...
    Me: So he can hit him with the pun sword?
    Cog's player: So he can die again.

    Aladar's plan to appropriate a trophy from the convent's reliquary room presents major difficulties, including the fact the Sisters of Battle will probably notice if one of their most treasured relics suddenly goes missing. And, of course, how do you smuggle out a giant 40K pauldron anyway? Perhaps by replacing Aladar's codpiece with it?

    The Sister assigned to guard our chambers goes off to see if she can find our missing servoskull, but comes back claiming there's no sign of it. Has it been appropriated by the Sisters, and the contents of its memory currently studied? This paranoia may explain our jumpiness that night, although it's possible the raised hackles and little noises in the corridors have a more supernatural cause.

    Jrska: I would have quite liked to hear battle-nuns sneaking to each other's cells. It would give me hope for the future.

    We insist on speaking to the Celestan after her morning prayers, claiming that the disappearance of the servoskull may be evidence of traitorous activity in the convent, and that we sent the skull searching because the ongoing security outage (that we instigated) would be the moment for any cultists to make their move. Cassius also reveals that he is a telepath, and given the Imperium's distrust of psykers, it's understandable that the Celestan doesn't react well. In fact, she draws her sword. Jrska instantly moves to reinforce the idea that Cassius is some kind of bound, conditioned psychic servitor, and not a traitorous space marine librarian that could make the Celestan's head explode with mind bullets.

    Jrska: Take heed. Protocols x345, Zeta 9, Zeiton 11. The Celestan is designated ally - you are not to attack her. Defensive programs only. Acknowledge.
    Cassius: *long pause, and bows, and telepathically glowers at Jrska* Don't enjoy this too much.

    We insist on letting our 'bound psyker' do a full psychic sweep of the convent. Cog and our pet idiot Aladar will review the psychic defences of the convent. Jrska has her own priorities.

    Jrska: Have Sister Bilitis brought to the interrogation room ( may as well achieve my personal goal in case we have to leave in a hurry > )

    We have until noon to achieve whatever we want to do, before the security systems come back online.

    Jrska: Pity I won't have a camera record of what I'm going to do with Sister Bilitis
    Cog: You'll have your memories.
    Jrska: Such happy memories.
    Cog: Don't salivate too much
    Jrska: They can't tell through the mask anyway >
    GM: Do you have some sort of sponge in there?

    Cog and Aladar manage to convince the Battle-nuns that the hexagrammic wards inscribed around the tower are faulty. And 'helpfully' demonstrate how to inscribe the 'correct' ones.

    Cog: What they don't realise is the arrange of hexagrams forms an eight-pointed star in the middle.
    Jrska: The Hidden Octed

    That they can get away with this is a inditement of the Imperium's record keeping. Sure, they'll record everything. But most of those records are hand-copied, and archives will be indiscriminately purged if even one line ends up sounding heretical.

    Cog: In 40K Grammar Nazis have fusion bombs.

    GM: You'll be finished about the same time Jrska does.
    Jrska: Stamina. Advantage of being female - no refractory period XD


    Cassius is taken outside the convent walls to charge up his mind-fu.

    Cassius: I don't want to make them any more nervous than I need to.

    Jrska: Just nervous enough XD

    The sisters assigned to escort him stand well back, and cheerfully offer to blow his head off if it looks like he's losing control. Actually, given some of the side effects of psychic powers, if Cassius really was an Imperial asset, euthanasia really is the merciful option. As it is, he merely corrupts everything for 20 meters around.

    Jrska: All the caterpillars nearby go insane.

    It's fortunate he didn't induce any of the more spectacular perils, such as rains of blood, or gravity inversion.

    Cog: 'Wadd'ya know - a flying nun.'

    A brief digression into why humanity is hopelessly devoted to Slaanesh, using banana-derived alcohol as evidence.

    Cassius OoC: We're humans. If we can ferment it, we'll drink it.
    Cog: Although possibly only the once.
    Jrska: Ferment it and they will come.

    Jrska continues her efforts to corrupt the cuter nuns.

    Cassius: The convent's confessor - that's who you want to corrupt.
    Cog: That'd be quite the confession.
    Cassius: 'Forgive me sister, I have sinned. In fact I'm sinning right now.'
    Jrska: You might want to compose yourself - we'll be here some time.
    Cog: 'I brought a whiteboard '
    Jrska: And a PowerPoint presentation.
    Cassius: Although Jrska thinks PowerPoint presentations involve a strap-on.
    Cog: And actual power points

    Jrska: I suspect the main reason daemons have a problem with faith is that daemons exist by altering reality on a whim, and faith involves denying it.

    Cassius is discovering interesting things - little trickles of psychic energy flowing up through the convent towards the reliquary. And other interesting things about the convent.

    Escort: That area is sealed. We had a unfortunate faith incident.
    Cassius: I tug on the handle.
    Jrska : Testing that it is actually sealed

    Aladar: When are you meeting with us?
    Jrska: After I've given Sister Bilitis so many orgasms she passes out.
    GM: Actually you haven't done that quite yet.
    Jrska: Bringing her around. Expanding her horizons - and other things.

    Eventually they end up in the reliquary chapel - where the missing servoskull is hovering in front of the dead saint's armour, and Cassius can detect the presence of something probing and altering the minds of the sisters as they enter and leave. He can also read the inscription around the armour's neck.

    GM: Here Lies St. Recluse, May Her Faith Forgive Her Psychic Curse
    Jrska: Called it.

    Cassius plans to have a servoskull purposed to burrow through the psychic-active plateau beneath the convent, carving out Chaotic runes in the rock around the convent, to encourage and corrupt whatever entity he has discovered.

    Cassius: This way if I get killed my dying words can still be "And I will still have my revenge." And the hero will dismiss it as the blustering of Chaos, and the Inquisition will go "oh, fuck".

    That the skull was here, but our escort never found it, is odd, since according to the thing's log, it's been hovering here the whole time, while something rifled through its memory. It appears the escort was made to forget she saw it here.

    Aladar: What happens in the reliquary stays in the reliquary.

    GM: Your communicator buzzes
    Jrska: I got a use for that

    Aladar: Why does your servo-skull have so much porn on it?
    Jrska: It's called life-blogging.
    Cog: ... dear lord.

    Jrska interrogates the escort, to confirm that her memory was altered, and to ask what her recurring nightmares are about. Hers are about a power failure trapping her in her power armour.

    Jrska: Gee, I wonder where she's getting THAT idea from XD
    Cassius: Faith can bind more securely than any witchery
    Jrska: It's looking more and more like it's the psyker's spirit bound to the armour that's the problem. Well, their problem. Our opportunity.

    Cassius and Cog team up to investigate the limits of the dead saint's power. And to talk it around to their point of view - perhaps easier than it sounds, since it's been feeding on the resentment and madness of the inmates for decades, and is almost ready to lash out anyway.

    Cassius: There's something mechanical going on with me, and something mechanical going on with you.
    Jrska: And sometimes something mechanical going on with me, but it generally involved Sybians.
    Cassius: And lots of lube.
    Cog: *facepalm*

    Cassius: I'm making the Sign of the Aquila but I'm focusing on these two fingers.

    Cassius decides the best way to test the spirit's telepathic editing abilities is to 'discover' Aladar's desecration of a minor relic, and see if the Celestan promptly forgets about it.

    Jrska: Time to call in the expert - and I know all about how to deal with sin and corruption. Usually it involves lots of lube and pauses for refreshment.
    Cassius: Sports drinks. Lots of sports drinks.

    Jrska follows the mortified nun up the stairs to the the chapel, while Cassius amuses himself by plodding along ahead, filling the corridor with his hulking size.

    The Celestan: How can this be? How could such evil have been hidden right beneath our gaze?
    Jrska: The enemy is perfidious - it could be right behind you the whole time, ready to stab you in the back.

    The Celestan is also desperate that word of the discovery doesn't reach the outside world.

    The Celestan: We have many enemies
    Jrska: *pats her sympathetically on the shoulder* I know, I know.

    The Celestan wants to talk to us privately, after she takes the desecrated sword off to be re consecrated, and we go over the chapel with a fine tooth comb, to give it a 'clean bill of health'. She promises us interesting details of the convent's history.

    This will give Cassius and Cog a chance to replace the sacred pauldron with one of Aladar's own, suitably altered. And by doing this themselves, they'll steal a little bit of Aladar's Infamy.

    Jrska OoC: Like that neural whip you got me - 'I've got something for you, Jrska' and my ears pricked up and I said 'How do you want me, lord?'

    Happily, Aladar's player is OK with being the party's butt-monkey.

    Jrska: Although I am a bit irritated with how jaded Aladar has become. He's not even any fun in bed any more. He's the human equivalent of a yeast infection.
  15. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Ian continues to make himself the most hated and beloved character on DayZ.

    For one thing the other players now think the Haunted Forest has a wookie as well as a Pigman. That's because he donned a Ghillie suit, leapt out on three PCs, and beat them to death with a fishing rod.

    The suit also proved useful in another stunt, which cost 36 lives before he got bored. He parked an armoured car in the middle of a empty  field surrounded by trees, then lay down three feet in front of the vehicle with a sniper rifle trained on the driver's seat. He then announced over the server that there was a prize just waiting to be claimed.

    And despite knowing it was Ian, and knowing there was no possible way this could end well, 36 players still showed up.

    True, some of them did turn up in teams, trying to figure out where the sniper fire was coming from, but they were all watching the tree-line. One player figured out that he had to be hiding somewhere in the field, and drove a tank over every suspicious bush, but managed to miss the one that was actually the Pigman. Ian then waited until the other PC got out of the tank to hook a tow rope to the armoured car, and shot him in the head.

    The GMs love him, of course - and they've worked together to punish people that actually hack the game. When the Pigman got bored with the slanty shanty, and discovered an island well away from the mainland, they encouraged his efforts to become  Governor Pigman, as he built a large high-security prison. At the moment the only inmate is one of the aforementioned hackers, whose character got taken down by the Pigman and dragged off to a cell on the island, where the Pigman gloats at him from the roof. The player is livid, of course, and has even tried to starve his character to death so he re-spawn back on the mainland, but the Pigman just beats him unconscious and force-feeds him.

    None of the other players have figured out about the island yet - they've seen him driving armoured cars out to sea, but apparently they think it's just the Pigman taking loot out of circulation again.
     
  16. Like
    New Hero reacted to Balabanto in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Tonight, I ran an adventure titled "The Secret Origin of Mechanon" because I'm not a fan of the one in Book of the Machine and my world has a weird history, but it's not Champions without Mechanon. Some very special quotes are below. Due to a character named El Caminante creating a Klein Bottle in a temporal echo zone, my entire game almost became "Mechanon and the Mecha Men."
     
    Basically, Mechanon was "created" when an American satellite named the N1-MK1 crashed in Africa after falling through a radiation belt. The "camera" and recording apparatus/computer was the source of Mechanon's origin. However, this created a quantum "echo" that wouldn't appear until present day. In 1957, the Americans and Russians sent superteams to retrieve the key data from the satellite. The Americans retrieved what they believed was the key information, but one of the russians secretly palmed the operational (irradiated) core and brought it back to Russia. He didn't even tell his fellow team members. Over time, mechanon built itself and began it's plans.
     
    So the Quantum echo occurs. The russians go to investigate. The PC's team hears of the echo and goes to investigate. Well...Mechanon, sensing a familiar signal without really understanding it, shows up.
     
    So they fiddle around with the Quantum echo for a while and accidentally displace themselves a couple times, only El Caminante decides to use his MOBIUS FIELD power to teleport inside the Quantum Echo. Well, he successfully reached the center. Unfortunately, all he got out before Mechanon shot him in the face and kayoed him in a single shot was "Mechanon! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
     
    So the Russians and the PC's (after a brief explanation) fight Mechanon. And Mechanon isn't just winning. He's demolishing them. So El Caminante decides to put Mechanon in a Klein Bottle. (Yes. Inside the Quantum Echo. Clearly this is a great idea!)
     
    Augenblick: DON'T DO IT! OOC: Do you really want to be the subject of the "I can't believe my players did this really stupid thing last night story?"
     
    Me: OOC: No, this is more like you saying the same thing you said to Ryan in Mind over Matter. "I've done some pretty dumb things in Mike's game over the years, but this one has them all beat!"
     
    Mechanon: You are the most dangerous one here! DIE!
     
    Players (Except El Caminante): WE AGREE WITH MECHANON!
     
    El Caminante misses. A Klein Bottle hangs oddly next to Mechanon.
     
    Dr. Pranava's Player: I have never wanted a player to miss a villain so much! Oh my god!
     
    (Game stops with laughter for five minutes here)
     
    So Augenblick teleports the satellite into the path of Mechanon's attack. The satellite explodes, demolishing the Klein Bottle. The quantum backlash destroys Mechanon, who screams "NOOOOOOOOOO!" as he falls to the ground as a limp heap of parts.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Augenblick: "I wish to study you, but not invasively."
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
     
     Augenblick (To El Caminante):                 "You have no understanding of your powers. Perhaps I could introduce you to a course in remedial quantum physics.
     
    Shih Lin Yuan, the Dragon Sorceress: Excuse me? But how exactly does "remedial" enter into quantum physics?
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    El Caminante's Player: So what would have happened if I had rolled an 18.
     
    Me: There would have been a sickening pop, and you all would have to come back next week for the heroic adventures of "Mechanon and the Mecha Men!"
  17. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    My brother has found a new game to terrorise - the Day Z mod for ARMA 2, although he's been amusing himself on the standalone too. He's already got the point that the entire forest occupying the middle of the map is effectively his personal domain. Players will rather run the gauntlet of sniper-infested townships rather than take a shortcut through what is now known as the Haunted Forest.

    He started his campaign of terror by wearing a hessian sack with one eye-hole over his head, a lantern under one arm, hefting a fireman's axe and playing creepy music over the game's audio stream. Then he stood behind a bush and just waited, while players armed with crowbars etc nervously investigated the light and creepy music. Which is when he set his head to deranged high-speed wobbling, changed the music to what he describes as creepy yodelling, and leaped out of the bushes screaming gibberish and laying about him with the axe.

    Picture the scene.

    Not surprisingly the other players completely freaked. The only one with a gun managed to accidentally shoot his own friend, and after they'd all run off blindly into the woods they agreed it was the scariest thing they'd ever fucking seen. And then Ian turned it up to eleven. He would interrupt the chat channels with distant pig squeals and giggling "looking for you, fishie...Gonna find you, fishie...." and carrying out these promises in a campaign of terror that made the Pigman a creature of nightmare. And this in a zombie apocalypse setting.

    He does have a certain amount of social justice in his make-up. Such as when snipers would set up shop on the cliff tops to kill re spawning players. You see, Ian has discovered that, unlike walking, sneaking, or even standing still, rolling along the ground has no associated sound effect. So he would silently roll up behind a sniper, and start using another bug in the game to poison the other PC.

    The Pigman: Feed person rotten fruit. Feed person disinfectant. Feed person blood pack.
    Sniper's HUD: You have a bad taste in your mouth.
    Sniper: Eh? I've been poisoned! How - *turns around to find the Pigman looming over him, head wobbling maniacally, and squealing like a stuck pig*

    At this point more than one of the snipers has recoiled right off the cliff.

    And then he got hold of a crossbow. PCs lurking around the woods would hear things the following.

    The Pigman: reeeeeeeeeeeee, fishy fishy.... I can see you....

    And then everybody would hear a p-chunk, and get the message that another PC was dead. Ian had a grand ol time stalking one of them.

    The Pigman: reeeeeeeeeeeee, looking for me, ain't you, fishy? You're a cute one... Gonna make love to you.... reeeeeeeeeeeee

    At this point Victim One runs for it, Ian shoots him the leg, and he screams for help. An ally comes running, right past Ian who has ducked down, his hessian sack the same colour as the tree bark. Ian then shoots the new guy in the leg as well.

    The Pigman: Two little fishies! Two little fishies! Dunno what I'll do... Cut the head off one and the bottom off another.... reeeeeeeeeeeee.

    The two victims are completely losing their shit, begging the Pigman to let them go, and frantically offloading everything they own as bribes - weapons, gear.... And clothing.

    The Pigman: Getting me excited now, fishies!

    The Pigman does go into town occasionally, when he needs gear his victims aren't carrying. Once, he spotted another PC going by the name of Kahleesi. She was talking to a trader, so Ian rolled up behind her and started a campfire. She was a bit upset when she burst into flame.

    The Pigman: You're not the Khaleesi! The true Khaleesi is immune to fire!

    The Khaleesi also fell victim up Ian's method of disposing of unwanted petrol drums. This involved piling them up near a random base, and attaching some C4. The resulting mushroom cloud was visible and audible across the entire map. The Khaleesi was not pleased to find her base reduced to concrete walls and her loot scattered across the landscape.

    Occasionally, well-armed teams DO go into the woods. One such laid a line of flares out behind them, so they wouldn't get lost. The Pigman silently stalked them, extinguishing each flare as he went.

    PC: What happened to our flares? I thought they were supposed to last for hours.
    PC 2: .... Oh no.
    The Pigman: reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    All PCs: *scream, panic, flee into the darkness in random directions*

    One character managed to get the drop on the Pigman, back before everyone knew what he was capable of, and they still thought he was a special GM event. He demanded weapons and loot. Pigman started jiggling and swaying from side to side.

    Other PC: You don't have any weapons?

    Pigman spasms and jerks, and carefully places a book on the ground.

    Other PC: You want me to read this? Well, OK.

    And this is wear Ian abuses ANOTHER bug in the game - a book, when read, occupies the entire screen.

    The Pigman: *reaches across and handcuffs the other PC*
    Other PC WTF?!?! Dude! You can't leave me like this!!!!
    The Pigman: *just stares for a long time, without moving, then flips the bird and fire off a few rounds into the air to attract wandering zombies, and runs off, squealing like a pig and babbling about little fishies.*

    It's got to the point that the mere sound of pig squeals provokes panic, regardless of the situation.

    The Pigman: reeeeeeeeeeeee
    Player: Oh god.... I just fired 400 rounds into the bushes. I'm out of ammo and I'm in the middle of nowhere.

    Ian did manage to terrorise one team's base, by popping up at windows, silently jiggling and wobbling spasmodically. The player inside, of course, opened fire, but Ian had already ducked back down.

    Player: ... Did I just see that?

    Ian repeats this performance at another window, provoking the same response. At the third window, he starts squealing as well, and the people inside lose their shit completely.

    Players: We're friendly!!! We're friendly!!!! Don't kill us, we're friendly!!!!
    The Pigman: Fishies don't shoot when they're friendly. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

    He's also taken to jelly-beaning the unwary, leaving a trail of almost empty ammo cartridges off to an obvious trap - a valuable firearm, just sitting on the ground. And all the terrain around it shot up with hundreds of bullet holes. The Pigman then hides in the bushes nearby and waits. He's watched players stand there for minutes at a time, thinking about whether to risk it.

    One more unwise individual wanted to go back for the gun, with help. His more experienced friend wanted nothing to do with it.

    Paranoid Player: I'm not going there with you. I'm not going there with an army. I know who's behind this - he's hilarious but completely fucking insane. I've watched him throw that hessian mask one way, and while you're shooting at it he's running up behind you with an axe. He'll put that mask on one of your wounded allies and while you're shooting at your friend he's running up behind you with an axe. He will be there, watching you
    Insufficiently Paranoid Player: But it's a really good gun! One-shot kill!
    Paranoid Player: And how long will it take you to load it?
    Insufficiently Paranoid Player: ... 30 seconds?
    Paranoid Player: Right. 30 seconds for him to run up behind you with an axe.

    As it was, the insufficiently paranoid player found a noob to watch his back. The Pigman rolled up to the noob, tasered him, and after they figured out that this wasn't some sort of electrical trap and they were being hunted by the Pigman, he already had them covered with a shotgun.

    The Pigman: Drop your pants. Drop your loot. Fishie fishie.

    He has them both strip to their underwear, cuffs them, force feeds them rotten fruit, and drags them off to a cliff top. Their, he throws the antidote ( itself corrupt, but he doesn't tell them that ) off the cliff, and gives them an ultimatum - one jumps off the cliff, and ones goes free. The noob, having less to lose, jumps.

    Noob: Hey, I survived! Wait, I'm still handcuffed. And I'm bleeding. And now I'm dead. Fuck.
    Insufficiently Paranoid Player: You'll let me go now, right?
    The Pigman: No fishie fishie .... You and me get to play a game....
    Insufficiently Paranoid Player: *is dragged off screaming into the woods*
    Other players on the audio channel, wondering at the noise: What are you screaming about?
    Insufficiently Paranoid Player: He's got me! He's going to do something!
    Paranoid Player: I warned you. You deserve everything you get.


    What he gets is being dragged to an abandoned house, his leg broken, his hands cuffed behind his back, and informed that somewhere in the house are the keys to the cuffs, a medipack, and a gun with one bullet. Also, that he'd better hurry, because there are people coming over.

    The Pigman: *fires multiple shots into the air to attract zombies, and leaves. * Fishie Fishie.

    And that's just the Zombie mod of the game. Wait until you hear about everything else he's been up to...
  18. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    I was at Swancon the evening of the second session, but they recorded some quotes for me. Some, perhaps thankfully, without attribution or context.

    -Thing about being a Troll, it's sort of like having the stretching powers. Don't Lord it over the rest of us!

    Inkubus: Which is a better spell, Prophylaxis, which I have to sustain, or just Cure Disease?

    Greenlight: he's shaking dice at me!

    Greenlight: Do I see any traps?
    GM: no.
    Labrat: All the girls in here seem to be the real thing.
    Titus: Hey! I was going to make that joke!

    It appears that whoever tried to kidnap Euphoria had a back-up plan. At least, a second back-up plan, after their attempted mid-ocean kidnapping went so badly wrong. Her desperate publicity agent gets in contact with Inkubus, in the hope this is another stunt by his charge. He then offers Inkubus 20,000 NuYen to hire some shadowrunners than can track her down. Inkubus, not being an idiot when it comes to being paid twice, demands a finder's fee.

    Inkubus: What's my cut?

    He may well be hiring all his friends, and sharing the finder's fee as a bonus with us, but we don't need to tell the agent that XD Some time is spent running around gathering clues as to the kidnapping. A good deal of this is the GM's attempt to steer the plot back on track, after we so spectacularly derailed it by taking Euphoria on a sailing trip last session. Labrat experiences the sim-sense recording of the kidnapped actress.

    GM: You feel the soft silk of her clothes against her skin -
    Greenlight: "...the shuffling of a too tight G-string..."

    Labrat: I give the team a full rundown, especially the guy with the T-Shirt that read "Garrity's Bar and Grill" I don't need to be hit over the head with a clue bat to spot one.

    Labrat: Would the name of the Bar be E.O?
    GM: No, why?
    Labrat: That would make it the Barrio.

    Greenlight: Who the heck is narrating this adventure, Max Payne?

    The trail leads to a small shop, where somebody appears to have investigating the same case, and was turned into wallpaper for his pains. There is also an extremely skeevy individual hanging around - so skeevy that Greenlight shoots it. Despite shooting it with a mere pistol it splatters all over the alleyway.

    Greenlight: *stares down at the pistol, then makes Final Fantasy victory theme*

    This is rather disturbing. As is the clue that points towards the factory out in the Barrens where they're making Ambergel, the new food sensation that Euphoria is supposed in Seattle to promote. One look at the factory in the Astral is more than slightly disturbing, and the group decides that heading in there right away will be a spectacularly bad idea.
     
     
     
    Inkubus is accused of being "overly excited"

    Inkubus: I don't want to say anything...
    Labrat: We don't want you to say anything!
    Warhammer : Never, ever.

    The team starts calling in favours, and draining the expense account. For one thing, we need to know all we can about the thing Greenlight shot. And we need more firepower. And as much insecticide as we can get from the every convenience store we can get to. And backup, in case this doesn't work and the factory needs to be wiped off the face of the map. Happily, Warhammer's buddies in the FBI, Lone Star law enforcement, the Knights Errant, and the United Canadian and United States Army actually listen, and one of his friends in the latter pulls up with a semi-trailer-slash-mobile-armoury. We start kitting up - or rather, Greenlight, Warhammer, Titus and Labrat do - Inkubus and Felix intend to offer astral support. Body-armour, combat drugs, portable air supply and Infra-red goggles are a must. Incendiary mines and white phosphorus grenades likewise. Some way to best utilise Titus' size and Warhammer's army experience seems a good idea..

    Labrat: Can we get a shoulder-mounted minigun?
    Armourer: *grins, and pulls out the rack of backpack seat/ammo bin +shoulder-mounted minigun* It's a standard configuration
    Various: We now have a standard Troll/Dwarf Minigun assembly!
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    But we have to bring back any unexpended munitions - they do belong to the United Canadian and American States Army.

    Titus: New! Tachikoma strength Raid!

    Titus: Bomb everything that's on fire! Then keep bombing it until it's on fire again!

    Greenlight sneaks up onto the roof of the factory, where sentries patrol. At ground level, Titus and the others make their own entrance. Actual architecture notwithstanding.

    GM: The sentries run to the edge of the roof and look over.
    Greenlight: Run over and kick! THIS IS SPAAAARRRRTAAAAA!

    Greenlight: (on the effect of a rotary minigun) - It's damage is I @#$%^%& your mother and I'm coming for you next!

    Titus: (on discovering the depths of the Insect Hive) - this is DEEP, man!

    The plan - jam the elevators and flood the ground floor with roach bombs. We don't want any of the insect spirits or their victims getting out past us. The heart of the nest is many floors below ground.

    Felix: We're lucky we're going in loaded for para-bear, aren't we?

    Meanwhile, in the Astral, where everything appears in its Ideal Form

    Inkubus: Skin-tight denim, waist-length hair flowing out behind me, surfing on a guitar, the whole deal.
    Greenlight: So basically you look like an anime character
    Inkubus: Yes

    GM: They're probably alerted.
    Titus: I just Kool-aided two walls, they know we're here.

    Inkubus: Because of what I need to do in order to do what I need to do... Fuck that was terrible English.

    Warhammer: I need some speakers on my minigun belting out Ride of the Valkyries.
    Greenlight: Hall of the Mountain King might be better. Dun dun dun-dun dun.
    Labrat and Inkubus: That's A Night on Bald Mountain
    Greenlight: It is?
    Labrat: How about the Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Seventh?
    Greenlight: Ode to Joy?
    Inkubus: Sure, why not?

    As well as dozens of Gigeresque monstrosities, and a giant pulsing cocoon, there's a human mage.

    GM: His name is Craft.
    Felix: We don't care.
    ALL : *Hose the room with WP grenades, gunfire, and magic. Warhammer somehow manages to miss everything, despite the minigun.*
    Felix: ...How? Were you too busy head-banging to Ode to Joy or something?
    Inkubus: That's the problem - he should have been playing Machine Gunn Eddie

    Inkubus OoC: Will the conditions down here help my Metal Mage specialities?
    Greenlight: We're underground and everything is on fire.
    Felix: Can't get much more metal than this

    Inkubus manages to banish the Insect Queen's spirit back to what Lovecraftian dimension they come from, but the deathscream is enough to send him bonkers. Warhammer is slightly miffed that the fight seems to over so quickly.

    Inkubus: I've looked into the Abyss and realised it was looking back.
    Felix: With big compound eyes.
    Inkubus: My trousers are full.
    Felix: Astral trousers?
    Inkubus: Real trousers. The guy back at the truck is looking down at our bodies and thinking 'he just crapped himself - what the f**k is happening down there'.

    Warhammer: I can't believe I didn't get to kill anything in this room.
    Felix: Just use the rest of your incendiary grenades on the way out.
    Warhammer: Someone else can do that - I'm upset now.

    GM: Shadowrun is a week of planning, three days of set-up, and ten seconds of utter chaos.
    Titus: Occasionally followed by running away very quickly.

    The surviving Insect Spirits are berserk, but so is Inkubus. He summons a major fire spirit. In corporeal form.

    Inkubus: What the hell, let's kill myself doing this.
    Greenlight: I think you mean kiln yourself.

    God of Hellfire: I am the God of Hellfire! And I bring you ... FIRE.
    Felix: And in the Astral I'm looking at Inkubus with the Platonic Ideal of What The F**k Are You DOING?
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Inkubus: Kill every f**king bug in this building!
    GM: It looks at them ... Looks at you.... Looks at them and growls GLADLY

    Now would be a good time to grab Euphoria and bug out. For one thing the oxygen in the room is rapidly running out, and there's a large number of crazed on-fire Insect Spirits running about. By the time we reach the surface large numbers of the military, Lone Star, and Knights Errant are converging on the inferno.

    Labrat: We geared up and decided white phosphorus was our friend.
    Felix: And there's not many circumstances you can say that in.

    Greenlight: Could you please never summon the God of Hellfire again?
    Inkubus: I make no promises.
    Titus: Oh, I don't know, he seemed nice.
    Felix: As the factory goes up in a pillar of flame behind us.

    Inkubus: Yeah, we handled it, we're awesome-
    Felix: A Balrog?! A f**king Balrog!? You summoned a f**king Balrog!?
    Inkubus: .... *cowers* just the one....

    Warhammer: This should do our street cred a lot of good
    Felix: Well yes, hundreds of military, Lone Star and f**king Knights Errant turn up, with us walking out with a burning factory as a backdrop?!?!?
    Warhammer: Ah, sorry guys, I didn't actually need your backup, it wasn't as hard as I thought.
    Felix: *now looking at Warhammer the way I was previously looking at Inkubus* You think that was *easy*!?!?
    Greenlight: Geez, calm down, how long have you been working the streets, anyway?
    Inkubus: You met him on his first Run.

    Inkubus: When we get home we're breaking out the special bottle of Taéngelé
    Felix: Not until our hands stop shaking.

    Felix: Ok, I'm only to say this once - form some kind or perimeter. If you see anything coming out of that building that isn't a twenty-foot winged demon of fire, fucking kill it. And if it is a twenty-foot winged demon of fire, get the f**k out of its way.

    Warhammer is feeling fairly chipper, and when he gets home intends to strip to his underwear and dance.

    Inkubus: *sings* Take that old record off the shelf
    Warhammer: Serenade me - it's time to power slide. With a shotgun. It'll look like air guitar.

    What to do with our very sizeable pay for this nights work (oddly enough nobody seems inclined to chastise us about the property destruction, although some interesting rumours about what we faced are circulating in the Runner bulletin boards.)

    Inkubus: F*** charity, I'll spend it all on booze and Cheerios
    Titus: I assume the Cheerios are a local cheer-leading squad?

    It's a couple of months until our next job offer.

    Felix: Summer in Seattle. It's raining. Big f**king surprise.
    GM: Who wants to be called with a job offer?
    Warhammer: The troll.
    Titus: Sure.
    Felix: 'I've got whitefly in my garden, I was told you're good with plants.'

    Greenlight however, has been given an offer he can't refuse. Somebody claims they have his missing brother at their mercy - interesting news, given Greenlight's entire family were kidnapped by Renraku Corp years ago) and they'll kill him if he doesn't tell them everything we find out about a job we haven't even been offered yet. Apparently it's something biological Aztechnology are working on. They also fit Greenlight with a bug, and they kill his brother if Greenlight talks to anybody about it, or takes it off. Greenlight, of course, quickly finds a way around this. Magical contact telepathy courtesy of Inkubus helps, while we're en route (dressed in our very best suits) to find out about the job in hand.

    Labrat: It's not a bug, it's a locator
    Greenlight: Muthaf**ka!
    Inkubus: Sorry Labrat but I don't feel comfortable touching you for any longer than necessary.
    Labrat: Do you have a problem with me being an Ork?
    Inkubus: No, I have a problem with you being damn ugly. Hey, Bubbles! That night three weeks ago, did I have a problem with Orks?
    Felix: *sigh* No.

    We're meeting the client at the classiest restaurant in Seattle. Inkubus, as usual, thinks 'Chippendale Dancer' is the height of fashion.

    Felix: Sigh. I'm assuming they never thought they'd need a 'No Shirt No Service' sign.

    GM: The elevator deposits you at the very tip of the Seattle Needle.
    Greenlight: Oh shit. Balance checks!

    Inkubus: I hope you don't mind us eating, but it conceals the fact we're having a business meeting.
    Warhammer: Plus we're hungry.

    The client wants us to break into Aztechnology's research park, via the sewers, steal all the data pertaining to a particular project, and rendezvous at the docks. He's slightly concerned that whoever was blackmailing Greenlight already knows about the run. Felix is concerned because half his family work for Aztech, but keeps schtuum until we're somewhere secure.

    Felix: I used to work for Aztech. My grandfather still does.
    Greenlight: We guessed.
    Labrat: A third of the country works for Aztech, one way or the other.
    Felix: But they're not all mid-level execs.
    Greenlight: We know.
    Felix: How did you know I was from Aztlan, with a surname like Bethke?
    Inkubus: You don't have your Seattle tan yet, dude.

    It's a risky run - not least because it involves one of the major megacorps. Someway to block the sewers during our retreat is probably a must.

    Felix: Maybe some sort of canister that expands into quickset foam?
    Inkubus: That stuff only works in the movies.

    And so off to plan.
  19. Like
    New Hero reacted to BlueCloud2k2 in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    My Wife when I shared this with her: (thirty seconds of silence) ....Wow!
  20. Like
    New Hero reacted to phoenix240 in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    As part of an ongoing attempt to help one of the team, a genetically engineered super soldier (TAO or Tactically Augmented Organism) learn there's more to life than combat missions, the female members of the team have an extended "Ladies' night" After hearing one of them refer to it as a slumber party, TAO does some online research that results in this statement:
     
    "In preparation for the slumber party operation I have downloaded a list of appropriate activities: making humorously deceptive phone calls to former sexual partners, the consumption of frozen diary products and uncooked cookie mixture, the exchange of trivial unsupported facts about the social lives of others and, according to several of the training videos: mock combat with sleeping cushions while wearing diaphanous garments that leads to noncommittal lesbian sex play is a standard procedure."
  21. Like
    New Hero reacted to BlueCloud2k2 in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Ramza the Belligerent (CN M Human Artificer) - My character
    Kimpa Proudheart (NG F Leonin Ranger) - My wife
    Karee (NG F Human Fighter) - the DM's wife
    Nodwick - human henchman
     
    We were hired to journey into the sewers to find out what was causing that awful stench. As it turns out, the giant s***-eating beetles in the sewers were being poached by kobolds.
     
    Ramza (After frying a large group of them with a well-place fireball): "Yes folks, come on down to Colonel Ramza's for some deep fried Kobold Nuggets!"
     
    Turns out a Black Dragon was preventing the Kobolds from reaching their regular hunting grounds.
     
    Kimpa - "Ooh! Big scaley-faced kitty! I wanna pet it!"
    Ramza - "No! No petting the dragon! It will wake up and spray acid on you!"
    Karee - "Is that what you are calling it nowadays?"
     
    After killing the dragon, I skinned it.
     
    DM: "You took craft taxidermy?"
    Ramza: "I'm an artificer, so I add +4 to all craft skills plus the +5 from my high INT Score. Plus I have a wand of Magecraft for another +5."
    DM: "Why do we even have dice?"
     
    Later:
     
    DM: "Okay, so Nodwick has finished hauling up your dragon hides and you spend the next few days curing them. Is there anything else you want to do before you leave?"
    Ramza: "Well, now that you mention it, I have a list of modifications I want to make to the airship."
    DM: "That's a big list."
    Ramza (pointing at my wife): "That's what she said."
    *My wife slaps me*
     
    After we are FINALLY ready to disembark
    DM: "Okay, it will take you a month to reach the lost ruins. Ramza, you said you were stocking up on various raw materials for you to craft magic items. What are you working on?"
    Ramza: "I have a list, complete with what I need to roll to successfully craft."
    DM: "That's a big list."
    Ramza: "I feel as though we've had this conversation before...."
     
    Just as we are about to disembark we are attacked by a necromancer.
     
    Ramza: "Didn't we just kill this asshole?"
    Karee: "He must have gotten better."
    Kimpa: "I don't recall Ramza turning him into a newt."
    Ramza (after getting double-teamed by a pair of wights): Less talky-talky, more plinky-plinky!
     
    (plinking is the term we use for archery).
     
    DM: "The necromancer pulls a scroll and starts to cast."
    Ramza: "Spellcraft check! 32!"
    DM: "Cure Critical Wounds."
    Ramza: "Screw that! Scorching ray on the scroll! 21 to hit!"
    DM (Rolls on the spell-misshap chart for damaged scrolls): "Ooookay. He is unsuccessful at casting Cure Critical Wounds, and instead casts (Rolls) Flamestrike. Centered on him. 7d6 damage. He is burned to a crisp
    Karee: "Hey! That hits me too!"
    Ramza: "Sorry! I loot his body."
    Kimpa: "Wait a second. I double-tap him. *plink-plink* Okay it's safe.
    DM: "You find a wand of animate dead with 6 charges.
    Ramza: "Sweet! I reanimate the f***er to keep him from coming back to life."
    Karee: "What are you going to do with the zombie?"
    Ramza: "Well I've always wanted my own butler."
    Kimpa: "What does that make Nodwick?"
    Ramza: "Bait."
  22. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Downtime between jobs - for one thing we have to get Inkubus' lung cloned and replaced, after that Ancient Horror stabbed him through the chest with one of its pointier appendages.

    Felix: Look on the bright side - you'll be able to quit smoking while your new lung is healing up.
    Inkubus: That there is crazy talk.
    Titus: He's still got one good one.

    There is a minor glitch during recovery - a seizure provoked by an abreaction to the medication, but the surgeon assures us their will be no ongoing consequences.

    Felix: No need to warm up the malpractice lawyers then.

    Felix: You'll probably want him out of here unless you want him to harass the nurses. More.

    Too late. By the third day he's somehow talked five of the nurses into bed, at once. At least the pay-off from the Elementals job (before they sent the vampire after us) is enough to pay all the medical bills AND give us a very tidy profit on top. Time to go shopping.

    Warhammer: I need to get some C12 explosive.
    Felix: We can't get you any C12, but we can get you half a six-pack of C4.

    Greenlight's: It's urban camouflage.
    Felix: What, neon and chrome?

    And since we're all Adepts or Mages (even though we do nothing to advertise the fact) we may as well take advantage of the fact and set ourselves up as an Initiate circle. Much argument ensues, even about the circle's name.

    Felix: We can always confuse people and call ourselves the Bastards of Carnage.
    Inkubus: That's the thing - the name only has to have meaning for us. We could call ourselves the Happy Pink Flufflepuffs.
    Felix: *wince* I'm having enough problems with the way you keep calling me Bubbles.

    Labrat: The Five Metas?
    Felix: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.

    We'll have to meet regularly - doing so assists each other's efforts at improving themselves.

    Felix: And is an excuse for a good meal.

    Plus, if we're going to be working together we need to improve team spirit.

    Felix: Movie Night!

    Inkubus: We don't accept legitimate mages, this group is for Shadowrunners.
    Felix: :/ We don't accept 'legitimate' mages?

    Inkubus: We treat others with professionalism and courtesy.
    Warhammer: I have a problem with courtesy.
    Greenlight: We ARE criminals.

    Warhammer wonders how much head armour he can wear on the street without attracting untoward attention.

    Felix: You could always get a bulletproof touk and pretend to be Canadian.
    Inkubus: *facepalm*

    We decide on a name for the circle.

    Inkubus: The Set-Up. 'A Human, an Orc, a Troll, an Elf and a Dwarf walk into a bar'
    Greenlight: I keep forgetting you're human, Bubbles. But then I don't really think of Aztlans as human.
    Felix: *bristles*

    But he doesn't say anything. After his various comments about not being able to tell trolls apart, he probably deserves that commentary of his family's origin on the far side of the Rio Grande. Anyway, all healed up, Inkubus wants to make sure he's still the uber-stud he was before, and now he's got a few more tricks up his sleeves to really impress the ladies.

    Felix: I don't think the purpose of our Initiatory Circle was so you can Get More.
    Inkubus: None of you lot are girls.

    And it's during the aftermath of such an evening that Inkubus gets a call. Crawling out from under the pile of willing wenches, he discovers it's his Fixer on the videophone. Apparently another entertainment-related job has come up, and word has got around about how well the team handled the Elementals affair. Presumably the word of what happened AFTER we got paid hasn't. Either way, the Fixer is a bit distracted by the scene behind Inkubus. Apparently the client asked for Inkubus, because his insider knowledge of the Seattle entertainment industry will be useful.

    Fixer: 'Interesting piercing'

    Felix: Well, it is the Seattle music scene... I wonder if there are any Grunge Mages out there.

    Inkubus texts everybody with instructions for the meet with the client. Bound spirits and Felix will watch over the meet-up, just in case it's a Admiral Ackbar. This might seem suspicious, but we DID murder a music exec last month.

    Inkubus: Keep weapons light.
    Warhammer: I'll leave the rocket-launcher at home

    Inkubus is reluctant to leave the sweaty pile on the bed too soon.

    Inkubus: I'm still celebrating.
    Warhammer: Need back-up?

    Titus: Shadowrunning isn't a hobby, it's a profession.
    Inkubus: Except for Bubbles.
    Felix: Hey!

    Either way, the client wants to sabotage the promotion of some new junkfood, called Ambergel. The plan is to meet the simsense star Euphoria who is in Seattle as part of the promotion, and keep her so busy with clubs, parties, etc that she misses all her appointments for the next three days. The client has even arranged a house we can use to keep her on ice.

    Client: She has reasonable security on her hotel room.
    Greenlight: Reasonable compared to what?
    Felix: We remember the crocodile.

    The client leaves, and we promptly start brainstorming ideas to get her out of the hotel and off to somewhere we can keep her busy. Perhaps take her up to a nice cabin outside town?

    Felix: I'm thinking an anaesthetic aerosol spray and a remote control hang-glider.

    Felix: If we want to make sure she doesn't just sneak out a window, how about we hire a boat and go on a scenic tour of the Pacific Trash Vortex?

    Felix OoC: I'm sure the biggest problem with the boat idea is that it'll screw the plot.
    GM: The cabin idea will screw the plot.
    Inkubus OoC: Let's hope it doesn't work then.

    Inkubus does feel a little uncomfortable about using his seductive talents in a professional basis again.But he has to admit that it IS a good way to approach the problem, just like it had worked with the Elementals last month.

    Inkubus OoC: It's not that I see everything as a nail, it's the game - it keeps giving me nail-shaped objects to hammer.

    Inkubus: I'm starting to feel like a prostitute.
    Felix: *sings* Gigalo, Gigalo, Gigalo!

    Felix: If you're feeling uncomfortable, imagine how the rest of us feel being your team of wingmen.

    We do, in fact, go with Felix's boat idea. Euphoria's bodyguards don't care either way, since they get a free boat ride out of it too and we haven't actually threatened Euphoria. Labrat poses as the hired motor yacht's skipper, Felix will be the ship's cook, and the other members of the team are all aboard in one guise or another, as Inkubus' 'employees'. We do get a phonecall on the second evening, however, asking well the hell we are - nobody has showed up to the client's safehouse yet. We tell him we haven't needed it, since the clubbing and boating plan is working so well. We may or may not learn later that by coming up with this scheme, we have completely borked a major magical conspiracy, and they're scrambling to adapt to the changed situation. The change they arrive at is to fly out to our yacht in a helicopter, disable us with a bazooka, sic a notorious international Mage assassin on us, and kidnap Euphoria. The conspiracy has no idea what they're letting themselves in for. Felix is too busy preparing the breakfast trays to notice the attack until it's well under way, nonetheless.

    Felix: What's going on?
    Greenlight: Look up!
    Assorted firearms: Bang! Bang!
    Felix: No, the cantaloupe!

    (Weldun, Inkubus' player, has been toying with a large transforming Millennium Falcon toy why all this has been going on - he strikes a problem.

    Weldun: How do I detach Chewie from Han? Because right now Han's head is up Chewie's arse.)

    A rocket propelled grapnel is fired into the yacht and a figure is sliding down towards us, even as the helicopter and bazooka operator behind him are being hit with an assortment of amusing hexes ('hooray for auto-pilot' they would say, if they were going to live more than a few minutes). The figure plummets as the line is severed, then comes to a halt in mid-air.

    Felix: ...
    Inkubus: ...
    Greenlight: Fuck that noise!

    Still, the attackers clearly weren't expecting the hail of magic, rifle fire, etc that they got as a welcome gift. Neither were Euphoria and her bodyguards, who were somewhat alarmed when everybody started pulling assault rifles out from lockers, or fire arcane energies, and bringing a helicopter and a flying man down, all in twelve seconds. Felix suggests we throw the sinking helicopter a life jacket, so we can honestly say we offered SOME assistance when the Harbour Authority arrives to investigate

    Felix: I didn't say rescue them, just throw them a life-jacket.
    Greenlight: ONE life-jacket.
    Inkubus:They'll have to get real friendly-like. Let me get my camera.

    Greenlight: I shot that guy in the face
    GM: Wilhelm scream, splash

    At least having all those firearms stashed away makes sense. Even without the risk of pirates, there's paracritters to worry about.

    Titus: These things have cleared cargo ships of people.

    Inkubus attempts explanations to the pretty but somewhat clueless Euphoria.

    Inkubus: I'm a Mage. So?
    Felix: The cook is a Mage.
    Greenlight: You keep a highly competent crew
    Inkubus: Not every Mage goes into security work
    Inkubus: He's a Mage butler - it's the new fashion in England. *whispers to Felix* I'll make it up to you.

    Still, the payout is generous. We gleefully count our credit go home, and continue our more ordinary lives. We don't know it yet, but rumours about us are already spreading in the Shadowrunner community. That mage we shot out of the sky was bad news, and we still managed to take him down legally, AND offer 'assistance' to a helicopter in trouble afterwards.

    Inkubus: NuYen, not Karma. I did not just earn 23,000 Karma.
    GM: You just Ascended.
    Greenlight: And then you had sex with the dragons.
    Labrat: All of them.
    All: At once.

    Felix: Tell Greenlight and Titus to bring eggs.
    Warhammer: I'll bring two, but they're mine.

    Inkubus: We're going to get a reputation. How do you keep doing this shit without breaking the law.
    Titus: Well we did start that gang war.
    Greenlight: And no-one can prove it

    Of course, if we ever do have to flee town we have a limited number of options (purely because there's only a few places the publishers have expanded enough for a comprehensive campaign). Best to stick with non-lethal weapons for the time being.

    GM: It's either here or Berlin.
    Warhammer: Berlin? That's good, I like Russian.
    Labrat: German.
    Inkubus: ... Russian?!?

    Titus: What would a gel-round for a shotgun be?
    Inkubus: Bean-bag round.
    Felix: Picture it - SPLAT! Right in the face.
    Titus: I'm picturing gel miniguns, now. 20 seconds firing and it looks like a mad paintgun battle
  23. Like
    New Hero reacted to Zylphia in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    "Victor Vector gets punched so hard in the face that the player starts bleeding." Then we looked over and the player was indeed bleeding from his face. 
  24. Like
    New Hero reacted to Drhoz in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Inkubus OoC: We still have to figure out how we met.
    Felix OoC: Craigslist.
    Inkubus OoC: I probably used my usual trick - turned up with a really expensive bottle of wine.

    Inkubus: Felix and I both like the good things in life
    Titus: It's your only good point
    Inkubus: I like all the debased things in life too. I just like life

    On Inkubus' ability to solve every problem with his 'charisma'

    Inkubus: When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
    Felix: 'the hammer is my penis'?

    Anyway, regarding the latest job, getting the band back together. Specifically, the Elementals, back to their recording company. This we achieved by convincing them Shadowrunners were after them, staging a raid on our home, and dragging their unconscious behinds off to one of our hideouts.

    We then reinforced this 'ransoming' them back to their company, thus making the company look good, and the band unlikely to try going independent again in future. Just a little bonus for our employer - it's little touches like that that ensure repeat business.

    Inkubus: Not bad for having a concussion grenade go off between my legs.
    Titus: How are the plums, anyway?

    In fact, the client is so impressed he immediately offers us extra work - in order to promote the Elemental's latest album, they were going to be filming a music tri-vid. Of course, the band doing a runner wrecked the schedule, which is extremely inconvenient, since they were going to be filming outside Seattle's border in Salish-Shidhe (one of the Native American States) and the permit to do so has now expired. Perhaps our team can escort the band and film crew across anyway, so they can get the filming done anyway without anyone noticing?

    Inkubus: I wonder where they want to film that's so important
    Inkubus: Mt Rainier?Felix: Mt. Rainier? That's an active volcano isn't it?
    Inkubus: We better not be filming there.
    Felix: Wouldn't surprise me - they are the Elementals.

    Felix: Bloody artistic integrity - can't they find a forest this side of the border to film in?

    A major challenge, given half the team were the ones that 'kidnapped' them the day before. This new mission will need some thought before we accept - even though Labrat actually has dual citizenship of Seattle and Salish-Shidhe, we're going to need bribe money at the very least.

    Greenlight: We're going to need extra money for this - one of us has already taken a stun grenade to the balls tonight.

    GM: He's willing to let you keep the any vehicles and materiel you require.
    Felix: 'We require a nuclear submarine.'

    Inkubus: We'll use a novel technique to get past the border patrol - the truth. 'We HAD a permit, and these pricks went and run off to do their own thing - you know artistic types - and by the time we got them back the visa expired.'
    Felix: 'and THIS prick insists on artistic integrity, so we have to film in your forest'.

    Greenlight: Get your Inkubus Action Figure!
    Felix: With Realistic Hip Thrusting Action!
    Greenlight: Irrational Hatred of Scarves!
    Felix: Dressed like a Chippendale Dancer!

    Thus back to Titus' hide-out - the one with the sealed-up windows, sunlamps, and indoor farm. Of vegetables and chickens, not weed, since real food is rather more desirable than drugs these days. It also has something new - a vampiric assassin, who drops on us from the ceiling, spraying magic and automatic gunfire with gay abandon.

    Inkubus OoC: Fangs for the Memories! One Shadowrunner! Two Shadowrunners! Three Shadowrunners! HAHAHAHA

    FelixOoC: I wonder who we pissed off so much that they sent a vampire after us.

    Despite the fact we outnumber him severely, the vampire is a formidable opponent. Even the fact that the entire team consists of mages and adepts didn't given him reason to pause.

    Felix OoC: So six of us vs. one guy is a worse fight than us vs. several hundred bikers.
    Inkubus OoC: Yup. Conservation of ninjitsu - 'hey, they only sent one ninja! ..... We're boned.'

    Felix calls up a bound Earth Elemental, before being gunned down ( good thing he bought that very very expensive bulletproof coat ).

    Labrat: So a big orange rocky thing has appeared, saying 'It's clobbering time!'?

    Actually, no - the elemental itself is badly outclassed. Especially since the vampire can go to mist form and still cast magic. It's only Titus' desperate swing with his sledgehammer that saves us, since even in mist form, carriers of the vampire virus are still violently allergic to wood.

    Labrat: We have wood for vampire

    Greenlight manages to disarm and stun the bastard with a shock baton, and we tie him to a wooden chair for magical interrogation. We haven't figured out the allergy thing yet, but once we notice the haemorrhaging hit points we realise we'd better hurry. Since we don't dare risk untying him, either. Inkubus gets to work, telepathically ripping out the vampire's banking details, safety deposit box numbers, and anything else we can use. Such as the information that he was trying to kill us, as a favour for his friend Eclipse - the music exec that hired us.

    Inkubus: Jeez, I know they say the music industry is a bunch of bloodsuckers, I didn't think they meant it literally.

    We are more than slightly pissed off - after going to all that trouble to make the exec look good, being assassinated as loose ends is a bit aggravating. Naturally, we intend to reciprocate.

    Inkubus: We'll send him a photo of his assassin tied to a chair
    Greenlight: With a caption - See You Soon

    Labrat: I'll include a musical sting 'nana nana, nana nana, hey hey hey, goodbye'

    To add insult to injury, we'll 'rescue' that band and help them go independent.

    Inkubus: We're going to rescue them. I 'hired' the very Shadowrunners that kidnapped them in the first place
    Felix: Schlock Mercenary -
    All: WE GET PAID TWICE
    Inkubus: Do the happy dance, Tagon!

    Labrat finishes off the dying assassin in a manner that would make Cronenberg or Kurosawa proud.

    Greenlight: Jesus Christ, Labrat, what the fuck?!?! I thought you were going to cut his throat, not cut his fucking head off! Are you fucking Yakuza!?!

    Hopefully, nobody will catch HMHVV from all the blood that sprays around.

    So, time for revenge - Inkubus and Felix will set up shop a few kilometres away with telescopes, where they can overlook the exec's penthouse apartment in an otherwise empty ten-storey block. Line-of-sight magic is so damn useful. Labrat and Greenlight will go up the inside of the building, working their way past any security. Titus and Warhammer will climb up the outside. Then, when we're all in position, we send the 'Seeing You Soon' gif to the target and each other, to scare the execs shitless and then render him lifeless while he's panicking.

    Greenlight: This is a military-grade lock. I've only heard of these things in a theoretical 'zine. This might actually be a challenge.
    Labrat: *ClickclickclickPOP* Or not.

    As it happens, our elaborate efforts are wasted - he's not home. His giant salamander fire elemental is.

    Felix: He's got a fucking pet crocodile!

    There's a naga too, hiding in the teepee/medicine lodge set up in one of the rooms, but after he sees what happens to the salamander he surrenders without a fight. At least this explains how the exec knew where to send the vampire - he's a magician. And according to certain notes on his computer, found while the team is busy ransacking the place, he's intending to use the band to awaken an ancient and probably evil spirit called Twilight.

    Greenlight: Eclipse? Twilight?
    Inkubus: Noooooooo! The Sparkles! The Sparkles!
    Felix: And their video director is Lupus.
    Inkubus: Damn you Stephanie Meyers!

    It's also a full moon. But at least this explains why he tried to have us killed - we were rather more important loose ends than we thought.

    GM: Who enters the teepee first?
    All: *point at the troll*

    Kaa, the Naga, happily comes with us. He should find the sunlamps and pond at Titus' hide-out quite comfortable. Such are the drawbacks of using intelligent creatures as your slaves - they tend to resent it.

    Titus: Kaa... Which is... Ukrainian for Penis?
    All: *give Titus a Look*

    Inkubus: Hang about, I've got the badge - Nagas Are People Too

    Just prior to setting the apartment on fire and blaming the salamander, one last ransacking for anything valuable, anything magical, anything that should be given to the band, and anything we can use for a long distance magical attack on the exec. Hair and fingernail clippings would be good.

    Felix: Did you check the drain in his shower?
    Greenlight: I was afraid to touch it
    Labrat: He was afraid it would become sentient and attack him.

    So off on a cross-border roadtrip, to stop a major ritual, kill a backstabbing exec, liberate a band, and avoid whatever werewolves, snipers, and other protections Eclipse has arranged. There's no point telling the authorities - even if they believed us it would take too long for them to get off their collective asses.
     
  25. Like
    New Hero reacted to Houston GM in Quote of the Week from my gaming group...   
    Quotes from Owlcon - part 4
     
    Drama Dice 2.0 "Team Maximum: Little Girl Lost"
     
    Team Maximum is the Justice League of their universe. That level of power, but without the squeaky-clean image.
     
    The core members of Team Maximum
    El Bombastico: the toughest man in the world, Em's husband
    Em: a powerful witch, El Bombastico's wife
    Ghost: the deadliest man in the world, ex-special ops with high-tech gear
    Mach: the fastest man in the world, a flying speedster
    Madame Raven: the supreme sorceress
    Fox: the world's greatest shapeshifter
    The Imagineer: the world's smartest man, wears nano-crystalline powered armor
     
    While selecting characters.
    Player: "Em has a signature spell called 'Find MacGuffin'."
     
    El Bombastico and Em have a daughter. Loki kidnapped her.
    El Bombastico: "I'm going to shove my boot so far up Loki's ___ that he's going to be tasting shoe leather for a year."
     
    The daughter's trail led to Asgard. Loki's trail led to Earth-616. The core members followed the trail to Asgard.
     
    Asgard was shielded and ready for war. The group opened a small hole in the shield and snuck through. Em used her illusions to disguise Madame Raven as the Enchantress. Em disguised the rest of the group as normal Asgardians. Madame Raven made the illusion look more complete by charming two valkyries. The group used the disguises to reach Odin's throne room unopposed.
    Em: "As we walk into Odin's throne room, I'm going to drop the illusion."
    Mach: "Why not leave it up and try to fool him?"
    The Imagineer: "We will be facing Odin, on his throne, at his center of power."
    Madame Raven: "There is no illusion powerful enough to fool him."
    The Imagineer: "That's his thing."
     
    The Imagineer, Mach and Fox were of Atlantean descent, so they decided Odin would be more receptive to having them speak on the group's behalf. Fox assumed a large, imposing, regal, draconic form for the meeting.
    The Imagineer: (to Odin) "Odin All-Father, we apologize for this intrusion into your domain, but we do so only under the utmost duress. The daughter of two of my companions was stolen from them, and the trail led here. As a father, I'm sure you understand the lengths someone would go to to protect their own child."
    Loki: (stepping out from the shadows behind Odin's throne) "Father, they are telling you lies...."
    Fox: (interrupting) "I see you have a serpent too."
     
    Loki: "If what they are saying is true, then why have they weakened our defenses and allowed our ancient enemies to attack?"
    Loki paused. Nothing happened.
    Loki: (yelling loudly) "Why have they weakened our defenses and allowed our ancient enemies to attack?"
    Sounds of battle erupted outside. This was followed by an explosion as Surtur, king of the fire giants, smashed through the wall of the throne room.
     
    El Bombastico, Mach and the Imagineer forced Surtur out of the throne room, off the bridge and into the lake.
    GM: "Surtur is standing in 20 feet of water, but he's 50 feet tall."
    Fox: (describing actions) "As I stalk out of the throne room and onto the bridge, my scales shift to a silvery-white color."
    GM & various players (ooc): "Oh my god. I don't believe it. He's a white dragon."
    Fox blasted Surtur with his frost breath, leaving Surtur's legs pinned with ice. Surtur was alive, but ashen-skinned, with only a few small flames still flickering around him.
    Fox: "Surrender ... or die ..."
    Fox inhaled. Surtur surrendered.
     
    Loki fled the throne room during the battle. Afterwards....
    The Imagineer: (to Odin) "Hopefully we have demonstrated that we are not your enemy. But we cannot leave without my companions' daughter."
    Odin: (nods) "Follow me."
    Em: (quietly) "I'm glad he didn't say, 'Walk this way.'"
     
    The group caught up to Loki in the vault and rescued El Bombastico and Em's daughter from him.
    Daughter: "Mommy! Daddy! You came! I missed you!"
    El Bombastico: (sweetly, to daughter) "Look away honey. Daddy has some business to attend to." (not so sweetly, to Loki) "Prepare to taste some boot leather."
    Fox: (cheerfully, to Loki) "Bend over and cough."
     
    If Loki was in Asgard, why did his trail lead to Earth-616 ... ?
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