Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[BlueCloud2k2]

Dangit! Now I'm wishing I had a crew of people living near me who liked HERO enough for me to run Kazai 5!

[DusterBoy]

I'd like to play Kazei 5...

[Drhoz]

Helped a friend with a D&D 3.5 one-shot playtest, on the Roll20 website. I 'helpfully' resurrected Vitus for the event. Despite that, and despite the players all drawing mustaches on the picture of cartoon Dungeonkeeper he put on the virtual tabletop, the game worked rather well.

Me: Ok, apparently we're in an 8x8 room with a demented freak who likes to drop innocent school-kids into a fantasy world. Although one of them did get a unicorn as a familiar
GM: ROFL
Me: I vaguely recall a big bad called Venger
Narrator: Yes, He was a Nasty piece of work, The DM's son, if I recall.. Oh, wait, this thing's on? GM, why didn't you Tell me? AGH, now I've lost the element of surprise
Adrian Vyn's player: .: Unicorn... I remember a game where one of the players threatened to remove the DM's penis... DM said she can't it would be like removing a Unicorn's horn.
GM: Dude, just narrate the game, I don't pay you to kibbitz, that's the PC's job.
Narrator: Well, Fine. see if I Narrate any other game you run.. *ahem*

PCs -

Vitus of Clan Scorpion: Planeswalker and phenomenal arsehole.
Laudigan: Anthropomorphic Golden Crowned Flying Fox Sorceror/Bard, with such extraordinary natural grace and practised charm he has Vitus questioning his own sexuality. Vitus finds this somewhat disturbing.
Art: Wolfman cleric of Pelor
Adrian Vyn: Blue Panda-kin - a quiet beguiler with a tragic past.

Narrator: DEAR ADVENTURERS, WELCOME.
Vitus: *looks up startled at ceiling*
Adrian Vyn: Oh look, it's a disembodied voice!
Laudigan: The voices in my head sure are rowdy this morning..
Narrator: YOU FELLOWS OF VARIOUS BUILDS AND SPECIES HAVE BANDED TOGETHER AS A GROUP OF MISFITS WHOSE ONLY CONNECTION AT THIS POINT IS THAT YOU DO NOT ADHERE TO THE STANDARD EIGHT RACES OF THE FORGOTTEN REALMS SETTING. BUT NO MATTER.
Vitus OoC: "we are all individuals" - mandatory Monty Python quote out of the way...
Adrian Vyn: Dude, inside voice.
Narrator: YOU ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN AN INN NOT FAR FROM THE RUINS OF HIGHTOWER CASTLE. IT HAS BEEN JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR THE TOWNSFOLK TO GET DRUNK ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YOUR WILDLY DIFFERING APPEARANCES.
Adrian Vyn: Oh great, a village of drunks.
Vitus: *mentally counts down until somebody - probably Laudigan - tries to seduce the barmaid*
Narrator: *glances back at the GM* Do I have to use allcaps? I mean, there's not really any way to type in bold here

It has been raining steadily heavier ever since the misfits got here.

Vitus: You have to wonder how anybody can live in this climate. Apart from frogs. *looks around at the townsfolk suspiciously* Or Deep One hybrids.
Laudigan: *Perking an ear at the continuous sound of raindrops on the roof.* At the very least it is dry. The last inn I slept in required several buckets to catch the water.
Adrian Vyn: Someone once told me, if the weather is bad, you need to complain to some god called the game master.

Vitus: *checks the weight of his coinpurse, and sighs* It would appear I'm going to have go loot some ruin again soon. Digging latrines would just be demeaning. *looks up at the ceiling, mentally calculating the odds of nearby loot vs. risk of gruesome death*

Vitus: You, barkeep - any ruins around here that the townsfolk scrupulously avoid?
Nig Llush, Bartender: Ruins? Naught but old Hightower to the north.
Vitus: Oh reeeeally. Do tell. Let me guess - lots of tales about the evil of the last resident? And how he was damned by the gods?
Nig Llush, Bartender: Naw, place was cleared out by adventurers like yerselves ages ago. used to be some old stronghold of a weather wizard, I think. Nothing but dust and stone now.
Narrator: Speaking of Weather... *truly ear-splitting crash of thunder & lightning*
Vitus: What in the name of Grabthar's right nut was that?!

More lightning blows in half the wall. Laudigan casually downs the rest of his swill and dabs his muzzle dry. He then proceeds to calmly duck under the table.

The Peanut Gallery: I'd advice any dwarves in fullplate not to stand up, inside or out

Laudigan: Perhaps the gods are growing weary of our idleness.

Vitus stands up authoritatively - somebody should at least appear to be in charge here.

Vitus: Townsfolk! Take cover!
Adrian Vyn: I don't believe they need to be told.
Vitus: I don't know about that, I've met some really moronic villagers in my time. Some you can't even leave out in the rain, or they'll drown

Adrian Vyn: Maybe we should relocate to the wine cellar?
Vitus: Anybody else thinking 'weather wizard'?
Adrian Vyn: If that's true, I blame you for bringing him up in the first place.

Vitus collects a few bottle of beer and heads to the basement.

Adrian Vyn: Well, I'm not going out there to pick a fight with a wizard.
Vitus: I'm not going out there in this weather - we'll wait til he's exhausted his dailies THEN go kick his arse.
Adrian Vyn: Is he our problem? If the rain stops we could just vacate the premises.
Vitus: *gives the panda A Look* He blew up the tavern

The Peanut Gallery: oh look, free booze

The bartender stares, shocked at the damage, then runs outside into the rain.

Vitus: What did I tell you? Too stupid to come in out of the rain...

Vitus pursues, then remembers he's 6ft4 and carrying a metal quarterstaff in a lightning storm.

Vitus: Maybe this was a bad idea...

Nig Llush, Bartender: It can't be.. The Weather wizard has returned?
Vitus: I thought you said he was dead. Exactly how long ago did you say his place was cleaned out?
Nig Llush, Bartender: He has been! At least 50 years!
Laudigan: If it were up to me, 50 years would be an ample time to make a grand return.

The Peanut Gallery: No weather wizard would be a one trick pony, where's the snow damn you.

The storm promptly obliges, dropping 4 feet of snow, sleet, and freezing rain on the village. In midsummer.

The Peanut Gallery: To the basement! Where all the very warming free rum is kept!

The group eventually tramp off to have a few pointed words with the wizard who interrupted their boozing. Nearing the tor things get quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

Laudigan: ...Do you hear that? It's... quiet, but it's there.
Vitus: NO, I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING
Laudigan: No. It is TOO quiet. *facepalms and rebukes himself for uttering the cursed words*
Art: It was quiet until you yelled.
Vitus: PARDON?

Two hobgoblins erupt from concealment in a snowdrift. We eye them with a certain contempt - attempting to ambush four alert magic-users really wasn't very bright of them.

Laudigan: *deadpan* My god, we're going to die.
Vitus: Well, full marks on the use of cover and Silence at least.

Vitus: Is it true what they say about Bats?
Laudigan: Depends what they say.
Vitus: That their 'racial weapon' is 'two-handed'.

Hobgoblins duly decapitated, we find a cavern under the tor that turns out to be some sort of underground complex. It's also swarming with rats, who prove hilariously inept right up until one has a go at the laughing hyena, and runs up Vitus' leg under his robe, where it makes a spirited attempt to circumsize him. Vitus' novel Prince Albert promptly develops lockjaw, rolling Nat. 20 after Nat. 20. Laudigan runs over to assist Vitus, who for *some* reason is running in circles flailing at his own crotch and screaming.

GM: Healing Grope...
Laudigan: Let's hurry and exterminate these vermin befo- by Boccob's COCK.

Another rat tries to sink its pointy little fangs into Laudigan's wrist.

Laudigan: You damaged my sleeve. Prepare to die, obviously.

GM: Be lucky yuou're not fighting Kobolds... "Shifty" is MURDER in high numbers like this.
Laudigan: But kobolds are so cute!

The number of Natural 20s the rats roll is beyond belief.

Laudigan: These rats are possessed by GODS.
GM: Quantum gods are fickle.

Laudigan: I cast "Summon Instrument: Flute" to the hand gripped around the rat's neck, making it appear within the rat's innards, tearing it apart as one end of the flute came out its mouth, and the other... under its tail.
GM: .....
Narrator: Dude. BRUTALITY.
Vitus: Well, I bet the Pied Piper never did THAT
Art: Rat for dinner any one?
Laudigan: Rat kebob.
Narrator: Laudigan is going to have to clean that flute.
Laudigan: Nay. I'll summon a new one.

Laudigan: Attack helpless critters, like heroes! *Punches air heroically*

Resting up -

Vitus OoC: *flicking through the "tome of sexy kobolds" while we wait*
Laudigan IC: *Polishing his wand while we wait.*

Narrator: Welcome to Adventure! Excitement! The occasional hot sex scene! Welcome.. to DUNGEONS! AND DRAGONS!
Adrian Vyn: The disembodied voice is back!
Vitus: ... ten more minutes, mom...

The sarcophagus in the next room is one of those ones with a portrait of the occupant's face. A really realistic portrait. Assuming the occupant was a flying vampire head.

Laudigan: BY BOCCOB'S DIMPLED ASSCHEEKS
Adrian Vyn: I told you to leave it alone...
Laudigan: Haha! Where's your sense of adventure?
Vitus: It got eaten by the last monster I could have avoided

The bard manages to take it down by spraying acid into its mouth.

Vitus: Well, I suppose it will be safe to open now, unless the gods are feeling particularly vindictive

Narrator: Running your fingers through the dust, something GRABS YOU!
Laudigan: Why is everything hellbent on laying hands on me?
Vitus: They think you're hot?... did I just say that aloud?
Art: Yes you did
Laudigan: I'd be flattered if I was more certain that I'm not about to lose my... my wand polishing hand.

It feels like a hand has tightly grasped the bat's own. Laudigan takes a deep breath, and lovingly grasps it back.

Laudigan: There there my darling, I am here.
Adrian Vyn: You're trying to seduce dust? I'm starting to think Laudigan has a one-track mind.

Laudigan pulls, and attached to his hand are the skeletal bones of some long-dead humanoid. It wears a ring on its ring finger. Laudigan examines the ring, then smiles warmly.

Laudigan: I'll admit... this is one of the more... interesting ways someone has proposed to me.

Laudigan: My sense of adventure is tingling. Of course, that could just be hypothermia.
Vitus: I think that's the Grim Reaper sharpening his scythe

Their's a stone chest in the next room. Art eagerly moves to investigate. The others, being more genre savvy, hang well back.

Vitus: Bet you a gold piece it's trapped.
Laudigan: You're on.

Art gets the chest open and promptly gets a dart right between the eyes. Vitus holds out a hand and Laudigan pays up.

Laudigan: ..you're lucky your skull's so thick.
Adrian Vyn: And that's why I stay far away from these things.
Narrator: So, instead of using your skills, you let poor Art take a dart to the skull?

Vitus is not very good at medicine, and has the bedside manner of the Grim Reaper.

Vitus: What do we do with this sort of injury? Do we have to push the dart all the way through so the tip won't break off inside?
Adrian Vyn: I warned you before to leave these things alone, you won't listen.
Vitus: I think I've got some pliers in my backpack here. For roadside dentistry.

Vitus: You'll probably want to get that out first, unless you want to be Art the Unicorn.
Art: Before I do, I am going to look into the chest, and see what is inside to make me get this much pain
Laudigan: Your priorities are impeccable.

Vitus: You know, whoever put that headband in there was just cruel - after all, if Art had already been wearing it he wouldn't have got a dart between the eyes.

Vitus use his crowbar to check *underneath* the chest

Vitus: Because that's the kind of thing I'd do if I had to leave something in a chest like this. A few baubles and a cursed item, and the real treasure underneath
Laudigan: Whoever put this here was simply not as savvy as you, I suppose.
Vitus: Maybe a few skeletal guards with long-lasting poison on their fingerbones, if I knew necromancy
Laudigan: Knew a necromancer once. Cold fingers everywhere.
Vitus: It's an important discipline

Vitus: Who wants to go through first?
Adrian Vyn: Whoever has a death wish... be my guest.
Laudigan: I think you could use a little more healing, Art, your... new face hole doesn't look very good.
Vitus: he needed that treasure like he needed a hole in the head

Vitus: The rats came down the corridor without incident, so the corridor itself might be free of traps - unless it's rotating blades at head height.

Art suffers injury to his other end later on. The long stone hall ends in a stone chamber furnished only with cracked, mouldering tables on which lie rusted implements of iron. Rain falls into the middle of the room from a shaft in the ceiling that must run all the way to the top of the tor. From the bottom of the shaft dangles a rope, swinging slightly. A drain in the centre of the floor allows the water to escape, but old, dark stains suggest that it was used to carry away... *other* fluids long ago.

Laudigan: Is that a sacrificial chamber? I'm getting a 'sacrificial chamber' vibe.
Narrator: Either that or a sex dungeon.
Vitus: *eyes the disembodied voice* Quite. But I don't think we have time for Art's backside to be thus treated
Adrian Vyn: How exactly do you eye something with no body?
Vitus: Arcane sight XD

Sadly, our paranoia is out of practise - we test the rope to see whether it could take our weight, of course. Unfortunately, it doesn't occur to us that it might be set up as a alarm system.

Narrator: Art tugs on the rope. You hear a rusty clang as an ancient bell peals out.
Vitus: fuckity boo

The ensuing battle is complicated by our own side casting Mist spells, and the arrival of an Enlarged undead Bugbear. Fighting blind doesn't help anybody, it would appear.

GM: YOU TRIED CASTING MAGIC MISSILE AT THE DARKNESS.

Laudigan is attacked by a hobgoblin.

Laudigan: That's a big sword. Compensating for something?

Adrian Vyn: Guess it wasn't the smartest idea to hide in a corner and be unable to leave without provoking Attacks of Opportunity.

Although we don't figure out what happened until after the battle, Art managed to Turn the bugbear. Which fled, and managed to knock itself out running down a hallway it was now too large to enter. Vitus is still casting Colour Spray at the enemies he can actually see.

Vitus: TASTE THE MUTHAFUCKIN' RAINBOW
Laudigan: It's beeeautiful!

Art: Can I take a wiz on the wizard?
Laudigan: See if you can!
Vitus: "we're off to pee the wizard, the horrible wizard of hobs"

The Hobgoblin Leader is still after Art.

Hobgoblin: GODSDAMNIT, STAND STILL, SQUIRREL!
Laudigan: HE'S NOT A SQUIRREL HE'S A BLUE PANDA.

The Weather Wizard, knowing he's cornered, attempts a desperate escape - ripping one of the multitude of patches on his robe, he flings it outward to the floor. And most of the PCs and one of the hobs fall into the 10 foot deep pit that just appeared. The Wizard leaps over the pit, laughing. "You haven't seen the last of me, Diblowiki, the Weather Wiz-
..... and doesn't make the jump.

Adrian Vyn: Wish I had time to hold the dagger up and let him fall on it.

Vitus, who was readying a rope and grappling hook to drag the bastard down anyway, garrottes him instead. Unfortunately, with the wizard's death the bugbear dissolves, flooding the pit with decomposing liquified remains. Yuck.

Narrator: The goo is extremely slippery. you ALMOST get enough purchase, but slip and fall back into the now half-full pit of goo. it's about up to your shoulders.
Laudigan: I guess we can swim.

Vitus: That... was... disgusting. If I could, I'd raise this arsehole from the dead just so we could kill him again.

[Drhoz]

It occurs to me that at the start of the game Vitus was saying that digging latrines would be too demeaning, and he ended up at the bottom of a disgusting pit anyway.

[Weldun]

I'm almost tempted to go easy on Jrska.

 

Almost.

 

But then I remember how much of a bastard Vitas is.

[Drhoz]

The enemies of the Imperium are many, but a great many of them are servants of the Chaos Gods. Which is ironic, as many of them rebelled against the Imperium because they refused to bow down to the crushing tyranny, and most Chaos worshippers end up dead or mewling Chaos Spawn anyway.

Cassius: A space marine psyker, formerly of the Storm Crows, and now forging his own path to 'save humanity'. His increasing mutations include wings, an aura of crawling black fire, and permanent fusion with his power armour.

Aladar van Rijn: A former Rogue Trader, who made a few unwise business decisions and ended up in the Screaming Vortex. Already severely mutated, but still human externally.
Cog: A Heretek, and one of Cassius' most useful minions, especially given his knowledge of arms, armour, and genetek.
Jrska: Born mutant, and a joyfully perverse devotee of Slaanesh. Hyena-headed beastwoman, a skilled liar, and seductress. Even of Imperial battle-nuns.

Pre-game chat includes discussion of a Pathfinder game where Cassius' player's PC recently concluded a search for his unknown father.

Cassius' player: I was a bastard.
Me: But Tony, all your characters are bastards.
Cassius’ Player: No, this one was an actual bastard.
Peanut Gallery: A legitimate bastard XD

Cassius’ player: He’s Neutral Evil - i.e. PC.

Other loot from the Ardent Crown - astrographic charts apparently recording the movements of Eldar Craftworlds - invaluable intel - and a casket and signet ring combo that apparently makes the casket and its contents completely invisible to all but the wearer. This could be VERY useful.

Jrska: Cog, sweety? What’s this?
Cog: Hmm? Sorry, you caught me in the middle of mathematics.
Jrska: Tech-priest recreation.
Cog OoC: Fourplay XD

Evidently the Chaos Powers have been pouring knowledge into Aladar's lobes, along with daemonic clockwork.

Aladar: I’m now ridiculously competent.
Jrska: And here is proof that Chaos can warp the very laws of Reality.
Cassius: Hmm?
Jrska: Aladar is now competent.
Cassius: Mroowwwl!

Saucer of milk for Table Three.

Our GM decides NOT to replay out the torture of the Farseer. This squeamishness may be because he doesn’t want to know what Jrska can come up with. Either way, Cassius does rip enough out of the xeno’s mind to learn the secrets of Eldar divination. This is extremely bad news for the Eldar, and everybody else, frankly. But it doesn't take divination to note that Aladar is on the downward spiral that consumes most champions of Chaos - his physical and spiritual corruption is outpacing his infamy. It's very likely he will soon devolve into a mewling Chaos Spawn.

Jrska: Don't worry, my lord, I'll still keep him. Mmm, tentacles.

Cassius: Tell me, mutant - why were you willing to leave Aldar behind?
Jrska: He doesn't think I'm pretty anymore, my lord.
Cassius: Right.

This sort of backstabbing is precisely the sort of thing that wrecks most Black Crusades. Cassius decides the Ritual of Entangled Destiny might be in order - if one of us ever finds himself in such a situation that they need to appeal to the Ruinous Powers to survive, their eldritch attention will be directed to the entire group. This is rarely healthy, but entirely to be expected when the gods really can't tell most mortals apart, anyway. And it's a very good incentive not to backstab party members.

Anyway - the Chains of Judgement has finally found and entered the star system with that mysterious alien psychic beacon, and its attendant garrison of Horus Heresy-era Space Marines. One of the first things we learn is that they still have working spacecraft, which gives them a major tactical advantage. On the other hand, if they really have been isolated for that long, then they don't know how the Horus Heresy unfolded, or that the Imperium devolved into a brutal theocracy after the Emperor slew Horus, or just how far the Traitor Legions went in their alliance with the Ruinous Powers. Of course, the entire Heresy could have been avoided if the Emperor had actually trusted his Primarch creations, and the Primarchs hadn't had an entire graphic novel's worth of Daddy issues.

Cassius: We have to go wake the Emperor, then slap him. “You may have been a great man, but you were a terrible father.”

One of the system ships promptly moves to intercept us, demanding to know who we are, and warning us away from the asteroid belt of wrecked starships - many of them suspiciously reminiscent of Necrontyr tech. The ship is the Iron Pride, and bears a very odd mixture of iconography - the Loyalist Ultramarines and Imperial Fists, and the Traitor Iron Warriors. Jrska wonders how to announce ourselves, especially if these marines have no idea that Roboute Guilleman, Primarch of the Ultramarines, is long dead, and so is the Warmaster Horus.

Jrska: 'This is the Guilleman Can Get Fucked, and we declare for the Warmaster.'
Cassius: *gives Jrska a deathglare*This is the independent vessel Chains of Judgement.
Captain Ossian of the Garrison:Your ship has iconography of the Sigillite, yet you declare your independence?

That is true enough - Malcador the Sigillite WAS instrumental in setting up the Inquisition. But Cassius decides that honesty is the best policy, and the truth is that the Imperium is completely fucked.

Cassius: The Emperor’s vision has been abandoned, the future of the Imperium has fallen into the petty hands of Lords of Terra, the Primarchs are dead or missing, the Long War continues, and the status of the Emperor is up for debate. Oh, and Guilleman has sundered the Legions.
Jrska: *snicker*They’re going to love that.

Ossian insists on a live video feed - chancy, given Cassius' mutations. Especially since Space Marine psykers were banned by the Emperor's decree at Nikea. Of course, most of the Legions then ignored that decree, given the necessities of the war, and Guilleman allowed them again in the Codex Astartes. Perhaps Cassius' crawling warpfire can be passed of as merely psychic energy?

Aladar: No wonder I’ve lost interest in Jrska, only Cassius interests me now.
Jrska: *narrows eyes*
Cog: My god, it’s a love triangle

Cassius: Many of our brethren are fallen to superstition and ritual. The citizens of the Imperium are sworn to the Imperial Cult.
Captain Ossian: LOL that thing is still around?
Cassius: That thing is the mandatory religion of the Imperium.
Captain Ossian: … oh.

The Iron Pride tells us to maintain position while it returns to the planet to discuss this with the garrison commanders. It seems likely they'll want to meet face to face. And it doesn't take divination to tell they will not take kindly to surprises.

So how to play this? And how to explain all the mutants on the crew?

Jrska: Would you like me to dress as an obedient pet, my lord?
Cassius: No need to go that far -
Jrska: *silent cursing*
Cassius: - besides, I want to stick to the truth.

Cassius refuses to let Jrska sit in on the ongoing torture and interrogation of the Eldar, also he does use some of her Kingfisher Girls to massage the xenos' feet during their daily lunches. Daily meaning 'every three hours or other random interval'. She does get to warn the Eldar not to try abandoning her body.

Jrska: We've got Cog here to keep your body alive if you do abandon it - and there's so many fun things we can do with an empty psyker...

Jrska settles for a few laughs with the now completely demented captive dreadnought. Particularly about the way the dreadnaught's occupant used to think Cassius was a traitor, and now we've found an entire garrison of Loyalists working alongside Traitors. Cassius decides to play up the strengths of his mutations, rather than put them down to geneseed corruption.

Cassius: I do not consider it degeneration, I consider it…
Jrska: Enhancement XD

The Iron Pride is sending over 50 Space Marines.

Cassius: Half what you need to pacify a planet.

If they decide to try and take the Chains of Judgement, we're completely fucked. Let's hope Jrska's rehearsals with the 'Honour Guard' of Kingfisher Girls and mutants worked. At least our uniforms are freshly startched, and fuel the fantasies of any uniform fetishists around the place.

Jrska: Perky XD
Cog: And do the crew that aren’t Kingfisher Girls ‘stand at attention’?
Jrska: Probably XD

Jrska pantomimes perky obedience and helpfulness while the visiting marines are on board.

Cassius: I like Jrska like this. Maybe I should have got her a leash.
Cog: And a shock collar.
Cassius: No, I’m not going to punish her for bad behaviour - she’ll enjoy it. It’s a question of the carrot and the stick - and I hate to think what Jrska would do with a carrot.

Jrska's copy of The Lives of the Saints is useful too, as an example of how insidious the Imperial Cult has become. Ossian does want to know why it's taken 10,000 years for anybody to come relieve the garrison.

Cassius: The path to this system requires skill and audacity
Jrska: Then how did Aladar ever manage it?
Cassius: Just as well you’re not there for the conversation with Ossian.

Cassius also lectures Ossian on the nature of the Warp and its inhabitants. Although it's heavily edited, so we don't get blown out of the sky. For example, most daemons are reflections and echoes of mortal emotion and desire.

Cassius: As humanity is most numerous, they are more us than anything else.

Cassius further goes on to claim that even the most powerful daemons are essential harmless, since they exist by feeding on the cast-off effluvia of human thought.

Jrska: And the four Chaos powers sit up and say ‘Did someone just compare us to dust mites?’

Cassius: Carefully avoiding anything about worshipping the Ruinous Powers.

Ossian also wants to know what Cassius actually intends to do. Especially if the garrison agrees to hand over any of their stockpiled Space Marine geneseed.

Cassius: My chapter will be sworn to humanity, not some fallible human lord. We will serve those who serve humanity (it just happens that at the moment I believe the Chaos Powers are humanity’s best hope to survive things like the Tyranid invasion).

Ossian makes his proposal - since the garrison has no warp-capable ships or Navigators anymore, if we stop the recurring Necron attacks on the system by tracking them to their source, they garrison will give Cassius the engineered genetic material he needs. We have a goal! And one that will require a lot of alliances inside the Screaming Vortex, since trying to taken on an awakened Necron force with just one ship is a very good way to die, and die horribly.

Weldun: I think that's the problem with the DC comics. They're too serious.
Me: GRIMDARKGRIMDARKGRIMDARKANGST
Weldun: Yeah. They say 'Life is serious', but Life, the setting that doesn't have people flying around in their underwear, still manages to be funny. So why can't the comics be funny?

Weldun: Troubleshooting Macs. Step 1) Buy a real computer.
GM: Maybe you need to hit it harder. Like with a hammer.

We're going to need assistance to hunt down an destroy this Necron Tombworld. Avoiding backstabbing is also wise. Turning that captive Farseer into a Daemonhost that he can 'reward' Jrska with, but actually use to keep tabs on her, seems like a good double investment.

Cassius: I'm glad I let Jrska suggest using those drugs on the Farseer.
Jrska: I'm not stopping you from making daemonhosts. I'm delighted every time I talk you into doing something that debased.
Cassius: It's not the debasement, it's the way Cassius lets Jrska think she's the one doing the debasing.

Cassius: Let's go for Thrice-bound. Mainly to give Jrska a toy.

Cassius takes the time to talk some of Jrska's fanatical Kingfisher Girls into helping with the ritual. They're eager to please their mistress, and their mistress's lord. Naturally, an Eldar Farseer, especially one who's been dosed to the gills on sensation-enhancing drugs for months, is a hugely desirable abode for a Slaaneshi daemon. So desirable that a Keeper of Secrets, a Greater Daemon, turns up to take possession. Just performing these rituals is enough to boost Cassius' corruption up to 98%. Even with his infamy commensurately boosted to 97%, this means if he displeases the Gods in any way, he will instantly explode into uncontrolled mutation and Spawndom.

Cassius: ….
Jrska OoC: I told you at the start that here was an opportunity for the GM to boost our Corruption. And you were the one that didn't want the rest of us around for it XD

The Kingfisher Girls that participated in the summoning and binding are mutated by the experience. Mutations include snake-like features and tentacles.

Cassius: *facepalm* Unintended benefits for Jrska.

Jrska: *dancing down the corridors singing Hooked on a Feeling*
Cassius: Damn, that's catchy.
Jrska: Yes, my lord. I found a old 2D movie in the archives. Prison rape, genocidal terrorists, vivisection, auto-cannibalism. It's a laugh a minute. But it ends sadly – the hero gets killed by a bunch of idiots.

Jrska OoC: Admittedly 'Cherry Bomb' would be a good match for Jrska too, lyrically speaking.

Cassius: I do hope you enjoy it. This is a reward for your loyalty. You are loyal to me, aren't you, Jrska?
Jrska: Of course, my lord. *Lying, but perkily*
Cassius: *picking up Jrska by the throat* Why do I not believe you?
Jrska: Natural suspicion, my lord?
Cassius: Try again.
Jrska: Healthy paranoia?

Cassius: The xeno has a daemon within her flesh. I thought long and hard about the best way to reward you. You are loyal, aren't you?
Jrska: Yes, my lord! I yearn to see you achieve everything you're capable of.

Still, Jrska finds her gift waiting in the converted chapel. Her reaction can best be summarised with two small 'Poink!'ing noises.

Jrska: I'll probably be unconscious for days.
Cassius: Good. Cog might actually get some work done. Oh, I'm sorry, did I give away my agenda there? Ever since Aladar stopped responding you've been spending far too much time with Cog. He's been distracted.

In fact, Slaanesh is so pleased with Jrska's eagerness to 'fraternise' with the daemonhost she is rewarded with Hermaphroditism.

Jrska: *checks the contents of her pants* Excuse me lord, I have to go try this out.

Cassius: It's probably the scariest thing about Cassius.
Jrska: That you want competent people around you?
Cassius: That I genuinely want my minions to succeed.

To Cassius' horror, his efforts to research and conduct the ritual are enough to push him over to allegiance to Tzeentch, the Architect of Fate (the player needed more levels in Forbidden Knowledge, and miscounted the tally afterwards). This is something he's been desperate to avoid, still believing himself independent to the designs of the Ruinous Powers.

Tzeentch: Just as planned.
Cassius: What? Shit! No! Crap! Dammit! ...... Well played, Lord.
Tzeentch: You will now be known as Turdgurgler.
Cassius: What??
Tzeentch: Just kidding.
Cassius: SonavBITCH.

Appropriately for his new allegiance, his existing and additional mutations churn him into a distinctly more avian form, which at least fits with his Storm Crow origins, Jrska's Kingfisher Girls, Cog's vulturine tendencies, and Aladar's mental similarity to a Potoo.

On Tzeentch's Lords of Change and their resemblance to Skeksis.

Cassius OoC: That movie gave me nightmares.
Jrska OoC: It was called the Dark Crystal - not the Light and Fluffy Crystal.

Arriving back in the Solace System, where the battle against the reawakened Necrontyr has been reinforced by the arrival of a Millennial Warden Space Marine orbital watchtower. This is bad news, but at least it isn't an Inquisitorial watchtower. We tell the the picket ships to stand clear, but are told to stand by for investigation – apparently the Sector Chief Inquisitor has finally been told about a certain ship going around claiming Inquisitorial authority. Uh-oh. Especially uh-oh since they launch boarding rams and fighters when we try to flee. We DO have tech-priests, murder-servitors, that deranged dreadnought, brutal mutant armsmen, the battle-nuns, the daemonhost, and ourselves, but we are up against Space Marines here. Cog jams their communications - with 'Hooked on a Feeling'.

Space Marine: I'm hearing some sort of tribal chant over the helmet comm, Brother-Sergeant.

Jrska co-ordinates the defenses from the bridge (and grooves to the Awesome Mix #1), and Aladar and Cassius speed off to try and rid ourselves of these Loyalist nuisances. Cassius times the dreadnought's arrival so the elevator opens at the most dramatic possible time. The Nyan-cat music starts up, and so does his assault cannon.

Cassius: Mental conditioning with Nyan-cat XD

The Millennial Wardens retreat into cover, as Cassius, Aladar, and the other response units converge. Pretty shortly the Wardens are wondering what sort of hell they've been dropped into, especially with the competing soundtracks, and screaming of the rotary cannon and other firearms.

Marine Chaplain: This is devil music!

Aladar, very unwisely, rushes into hand-to-hand combat, and has both legs half-severed with a chainsword. Cassius is dueling with the Warden's Chaplain, to much better effect.

Cassius: Deluded fool! You stand before Cassius, Extinction's Angel, Doom of Leman's Solace! Smash!
Chaplain: I care not! You will all burn, traitorous scum! swipe!
Cassius: It is the Imperium that betrayed the Emperor! Smash!
Chaplain: It is you that is the fool! Only Chaos could spin such lies! Slash!
Cassius: *mind controls the Chaplain into attacking his own battle-brother*
Chaplain: NO! My will is STRONG! *SMASHES other Warden anyway!*
Cassius: Be honest – part of you enjoyed that, brother.
Chaplain: *falls back in horror at the truth of this*

Since both combatants have powerfields, this might go on for some time. Aladar remembers he can phase out of corporeality now, which given the chainsword now approaching at neck height will be a very good idea. He loses an arm anyway. At least he delayed the marine's assault on the bridge. Elsewhere, Jrska's co-ordination of the other defences isn't going so well – the other unit of Marines is moving to cut our own communications and power. The Dreadnought stomps up behind the wounded Sergeant, grabs him in a powerfist, and screams one sentence before crushing him to a spurting pulp.

Dreadnought: THE CAT. HAS. A. SOMBREROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Cassius brings his forcestaff down on the Chaplain, whose faith is no longer quite enough to protect him. Luckily for him, the Emperor apparently has faith in him, and he manages to survive even as his battle skills, power field, and armour fail. In desperation the Chaplain draws a grenade and tries to slam it against his warped opponent. Instead, Cassius twists aside and the Chaplain loses an arm and his life. But because Cassius slew a champion of the Imperium, and using a psychic weapon to boot, the former Storm Crow receives the ultimate reward. The entire ship trembles, and even as Cassius' form twists and swells, a Herald of Tzeentch appears from the Warp and acknowledges his triumph.

Herald: Congratulations – the galactic game of fate welcomes a new player.

And Cassius' body explodes into his new daemonic form as a Daemon Prince of Tzeentch.
 

[DusterBoy]

Wow. Just.... wow. Cassius is now a Demon Prince of Tzeentch, which is disturbing enough, but not half as disturbing as the fact that Jrska is now a hermaphrodite.

[Drhoz]

Well, she is a hyena-headed beastwoman - it was probably inevitable

[DusterBoy]

Fixing this problem is easy... just give Cog or Aladar a futanari fetish.

 

....I'm going to Hell, aren't I?

[Christopher]

Wow. Just.... wow. Cassius is now a Demon Prince of Tzeentch, which is disturbing enough, but not half as disturbing as the fact that Jrska is now a hermaphrodite.

What can you say? Those Chaos cultist realy like to "stick it to the man". And women. And other.

Her kind in particular.

[DusterBoy]

As if Jrska wasn't indiscriminate enough

[IndianaJoe3]

As if Jrska wasn't indiscriminate enough

 

The frightening thing is I know women who could teach Jrska a thing or two about deviant sexuality.

[Cancer]

Stray quote from the con a couple weeks ago, by a female player in character for a female character: "I am not naked. I have a rifle."

[Drhoz]

There are many bad places to be in the Shadowrun universe. Anywhere in Australia, for example. Or in the Ork Underground, while wearing a Humanis Policlub badge. But of all the bad places to be, on the 118th floor of a corporate skyscraper, with a pissed off Great Dragon on one side, and a Special Forces killteam and a helicopter gunship on the other, has to be somewhere near the top of the list.

Some might argue that the dragon being nominally on our side improves our odds, but that still puts us right in the middle of the crossfire.

Warhammer: The dragon's on our side?
Felix: He did offer to pay us a quarter-mil nuyen, so he seems favourably inclined. Unless the kill-team is his plan not to pay.
Inkubus: Dragons do come up with plots so convoluted they meet themselves coming around corners.

Inkubus: I'm sorry but I think this is a problem my dick cannot handle.
Greenlight: Well you're just not trying then, are you?

For the time being, Celedyr just stands there, roaring his rage at this effrontery.

Inkubus: What is he doing?
Titus: He's Charging His Laser

Luckily for us, the squad of troopers seems a little alarmed to discover that one of their targets is a dragon, and even the lieutenant's full clip of armour-piercing rounds does nothing more than irritate the reptilian.

At least the kill-team team don't have all the armour they might do.

Inkubus: This is the UK. 'Armoured bodysuit? Why do you need that? It's not like anybody has guns.'
Felix: 'I'm going pub-crawling. In Glasgow.'
Greenlight: 'Good luck with that.'

Titus appears to agree with the maxim 'If all fails, try a frontal assault'. He leaps across the gap between the skyscraper and the chopper. Greenlight hitches a lift. Titus lands spread across the cockpit, and grins unpleasantly at the pilot.

Inkubus: Hey! Looks like someone else is trying the power of the D! 'Excuse me while I hump this helicopter'

Titus flexes some muscles and tears off the helicopter door's hinges. Greenlight, clinging to Titus' back, leans over the troll's shoulder and pulls the doors off.

Pilot: Jesus fuck!
Greenlight: Hi!
Felix OoC: You just missed the perfect opportunity to say 'Get out'

Greenlight: Getting a troll in your rotor blades is not good.
Warhammer: Getting a troll on your windshield isn't good either, to be honest.

Celedyr responds to this poorly planned assassination attempt by fireballing the entire kill-squad. Happily, most of us have already dropped behind the lab tables when their grenades and ammo cook off.

Outside the skyscraper, on the wildly bucking helicopter, Greenlight drops an unprimed grenade between the pilot's legs. He panics and attempts to bail out. Titus helps. Greenlight climbs in.

Greenlight: Don't worry, Titus, I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator
Titus: That only has planes!
Greenlight: I modded it!
Titus: So you made up your own controls for helicopters.
Greenlight: Yes. Now where's the mouse...

They still manage to land the helicopter on a lower skyscraper roof, and hurry to strip it of anything valuable. After all, they'll make nice souvenirs.

Greenlight: I got a medikit!
Titus: *wrench* I got a minigun!

Celedyr: I have an idea who is behind this. I will tolerate no delay. Get on.
Inkubus: *picking up the cowering Felix by the scruff* Think of it this way Bubbles – either you fly on the dragon or you can explain to Security why you're leaving without the man who escorted you up.
Greenlight OoC: And why the 118th floor is on fire.

Greenlight thinks the sight of the dragon and her teammates flying out from the inferno is the best thing ever.

Greenlight: This is the greatest day of my life. I'm not even sure I'm real anymore. Is this a dream?

Inkubus is sitting up on the back throwing devil horns and screaming 'YEAAAAAH!!!!!'. Felix is just screaming. This will make for a memorable selfie.

Inkubus: Don't we need to lodge a flight plan? Oh wait – dragon.
Greenlight: What's the in-flight entertainment like?
Inkubus: We're on a dragon!

The dragon heads east, over the North Sea and multiple countries.

Greenlight: I never thought I say this, but flying on a dragon can actually get boring.
Inkubus: Look down.
Celedyr: I have a secondary lair in Berlin. *chuckles* It's right under Lofwyr's nose.
Felix, Labrat, Titus, Greenlight : burst into 'We're all gonna die' tears
Warhammer: hysterical laughter Funny guy!
Inkubus: just laughing I love this guy!

Celedyr lands in a field outside Berlin, and a hillside opens to reveal his secret research base.

Felix: At least they aren't wearing anti-static wigs.
Labrat: Purple anti-static wigs.

Celedyr: Rest. I'll be back in a very few moments.
Greenlight: That doesn't sound ominous at all.
Titus: If he wants us dead we're done for.
Felix: If he wants us dead no-one will ever find the bodies.
Labrat: You're being optimistic that there will even be bodies.

Titus: There's an entire proverb about doing deals with dragons!
Greenlight: When he's got you over a barrel you may as well hear him out!

Felix is still certain that we've just gotten involved in a powerplay between two Great Dragons, but even when you're that completely fucked, what can you do? You can't run fast enough to escape the blast zone anyway. Celedyr wants us to go to Bavaria to pick up an overdue book and drop off a valise. The book is called the Pandaemonicus Faustus.

Labrat: That does not sound like a good title at all!
Inkubus: Pandaemonicus Faustus? We know what a Faustian deal is, we're Shadowrunners!

It has a very Metal cover.

Inkubus: No good will come of this.

Felix: Does anybody want to ask what this errand has to do with the assassination attempt?
Inkubus: Probably nothing. Dragon.

We initially express our disinclination to accept this commission, despite an offer to quintuple our pay, and Celedyr's obvious displeasure does nothing to reassure us. Our hurried admission that we COULD do the job if we had a translator at least enables us to dodge THAT bullet.

Greenlight: Never make a deal with a dragon unless he's very very insistent. And standing right in front of you.

The destination is the Schloss Munchmaussen. At this time of year, it can only be reached by cable car.

Felix: I've seen that movie.
Inkubus: Yeah. The guy with metal teeth bites through the cable.

GM: You've going to Latveria to steal a book from Doctor Doom.
Inkubus: No – we're going to buy it without his knowledge.

We're to meet one Goldie in Bavaria.

Warhammer: How attractive is she?
Greenlight: And this is why we need a translator. Warhammer can speak German. We just don't want him to.

We arrive at the village of Munchmaussen, which is so stereotypically Bavarian, complete with lederhosen, that all it's missing is a Childcatcher.

Felix: I fucking told you – they're aliens, and they're turning Earth into a theme park.
Greenlight: Well, I give them full marks on the dragon ride anyway.

Greenlight: The miniature village of Munchmaussen.
Inkubus: We represent, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild...

Inkubus: I'm in Hell.
Titus: It's basically Anti-metal, isn't it? Felix, know any illusion spells?
Felix: Well, Physical Mask – I could disguise Inkubus as a Von Trapp if I must.

Inkubus tries to promote at least something Metal, in sheer mental self-defence, and the complete failure of his Mob Arousal leaves him traumatised.

Inkubus: The Hell? What the Hell? The Hell?
Greenlight: Nevermind Inkubus, it happens to lots of guys...

Inkubus: This place has drained me of all my mojo.

However, we eventually realise that there are an awful lot of guard-posts around. And everybody seems to be acting happy.

Inkubus: Welcome to Germanyworld.
Warhammer: Are you going to give us vodka?
Greenlight: That would be Moscowland, next door. 'Occasionally we have dance-offs' sings 'Mos-Co! Mos-Co!'

Greenlight: Wait, why aren't Russian Power Rangers a thing?! Think about it, the dancing, the music, the bears. It'd be awesome. Of course, all of the zords would need a dash cam; then you'd KNOW they were Russian!
Warhammer: 6th ranger would come from Chernobyl; he glows in the dark.

Goldie, back at the hotel, locks the door, drops the facade, the act, and the accent.

Titus: --Pulls of the hair extensions and reveals that he was ME, DIO!
GM: No

She is American. And warns us to be very careful and to not overly rock the boat in the little tourist town from hell.

Goldie: Your luggage (our weaponry and equipment, smuggled across the border on our behalf) is on the table
Warhammer: *maniacal laugher, grabbing ensues*

Goldie: You're going to need to get into the castle
Greenlight: I would presume so. Unless he leaves his book out in the street. That'd make it real easy for us.

Goldie tells us that there are three ways into the castle. 1) using the skylift to the castle (Greenlight looks at party: lol no), 2) Up the cliff (Titus likes! Very Skyrim), 3) Through the front door (Titus liking intensifies)

Felix: Is there any way we can use a boat to get in? They've helped every other time.

Felix: Does the Baron have a daughter?
GM: No
Inkubus: Mother?
Titus: Sister?
Felix: Maiden Aunt?
Inkubus:... Schnauzer?

Titus: So we can't use a boat.
Felix: Or a boner.

Titus: Okay, sneaking or kicking in the door.
Greenlight: Sneaking please.
Inkubus: We can always fall back on kicking the door in if we sneak. The reverse is problematic.

Felix: We're assaulting the Disney castle. You know, if we ever tell anybody that this week we flew on a dragon, then -
Inkubus: - and then infiltrated a Disney castle complete with all the minarets and shit, they'd think we were tripping balls. And so do we. It wasn't until we saw the fistful of credsticks we're holding we realised 'that really happened'.

Actually, climbing up to the castle isn't that difficult – Titus' sheer strength would enable him to climb greased sheetmetal, and he brought plenty of pitons and rope.

Greenlight: I'm pretty sure if the dwarf had a minigun it would be less a minigun then bullet-fuelled rocket pack.
Warhammer: It'd be awesome though.

Meanwhile, Inkubus is wandering invisibly around time provoking a riot with surreptitious applications of Mob Mood.

Townsperson: I can't live like this anymore! I'm not even German! I'm actually Russian!
Felix: 'I'm a refugee from Moscowland!'
Greenlight: 'My entire life is a lie!' sing and dances the cossack

Halfway up the cliff, a missile blows something out of the sky. We freeze, but apparently they haven't noticed us yet.

Warhammer: Must be Inkubus' distraction.
Inkubus: Could be – I'm not sure how they'll react to having a lifetime of frustration unleashed.
Greenlight: 'Oh Franz! We must consummate our love for each other! Even though you are my sister!'
Felix: 'Sister'?!

Greenlight stun-batons the first security mook in the groin. Which might seem cruel but at least is better then Titus reaching up and throwing him over his shoulder. Felix summons his bound Air Elemental to conceal us and we stroll into the Schloss pretty much undetectable. Inkubus' spell-work is working even better than we could have hoped.

Felix: And in the valley below, Munchmaussen is on fire.
Greenlight: And a small child has a guard's head on a pike and screaming “Viva la Revolution!'
Titus: And speaking French, for some reason.

Greenlight: I'm half expecting Donald Duck among them, for some reason.

As the castle guards rush down the mountain to suppress the rioting, we enter the building, looking for the study and the book. The secure elevator does indeed have two gaurds inside, but when they stick their heads out to see while the doors just opened for no reason, it's childishly simple for Titus and Greenlight to punch them unconscious. After THAT, getting the book is no difficulty. Well, apart from the fact that the book is a fake. And that the Baron was waiting.

Baron: So. That is what you were after. I am disappointed. Guards!

Four elementals emerge from the fireplace.

Felix: In a library? Is he insane?
Greenlight: Well, it's not our fault then. Warhammer – light it up.
Warhammer: maniacal laughter

GM: I can just imagine Inkubus telling this story drunk at a party.
Inkubus: “And then we rode the dragon."
Drunk friend: “Duuude, I know you're into some kinky shit, but a 7-way? With a DRAGON?!”

[DusterBoy]

The frightening thing is I know women who could teach Jrska a thing or two about deviant sexuality.

 

That is possibly the most frightening thing anyone will ever say on this thread

[Tech]

During a Champions game, a player's sword-user is attacked by a nasty energy blast. The player decides he doesn't want to get hit (who would?). He says, "He tries to squinkle out of the way!"  There is a long pause by everyone, including GM. GM laughs, "Squinkle?"  Player laughs embarrassed, "Okay, I meant to say he tries to squeak and....something else out of the way. I don't know what the other word is, but he tries." BTW, he was missed by the energy beam. Now listed on his maneuvers on the character sheet is "Squinkle" for his Dodge.

[Balabanto]

The heroes encounter a villain who works for SPIDER. One of the heroes, Titan, used to room with this guy at the SPIDER academy.

 

Shatterzone: Don't you remember me, Titan? I recognize your voice! We used to be roommates. I'm going to give you one chance to come back to us, and then I'm going to ruin your life.

 

Titan; Do I know you?

 

Golden Fencer: Hey, wait, he said you were roommates! Was college really that bad?

 

Titan: I didn't go to college!

 

Golden Fencer: What was it? Summer camp?

[Drhoz]

The frightening thing is I know women who could teach Jrska a thing or two about deviant sexuality.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

[BlueCloud2k2]

The frightening thing is I know women who could teach Jrska a thing or two about deviant sexuality.

 

So you've met my ex-girlfriends?

[Cancer]

Wow. Just.... wow. Cassius is now a Demon Prince of Tzeentch, which is disturbing enough, but not half as disturbing as the fact that Jrska is now a hermaphrodite.

  

What can you say? Those Chaos cultist realy like to "stick it to the man". And women. And other.

Her kind in particular.

No longer AC or DC ... I think this is now what the electricians would call "three phase". With very poor filtering.

[DusterBoy]

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

 

Oh. Crap What have I done? :fear:

[L. Marcus]

Probably something stupid and entertaining.

[Lucius]

.....I could talk about some of my own paramours, current and former, but it would

 

1. be off topic

2. almost certainly offend people

3. violate the Terms of Use I'm sure

4. now I think of it, reveal more about me and mine than is anyone's business here....

 

so let's stick with Jrska, and 3, and Inkubus, and other fictional libertines whose erotic adventures may not be as deviant as some of our real experiences but are much, much safer to talk about

 

edit: unless we take the conversation privately elsewhere....

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Just don't try to talk to the palindromedary about any of it

[Christopher]

Greenlight: I got a medikit!

Titus: *wrench* I got a minigun!

M&M's, Shadowrunners version.

 

Titus: There's an entire proverb about doing deals with dragons!

Greenlight: When he's got you over a barrel you may as well hear him out!

It is not really "cutting a deal with a dragon", if the alternative is him to cut you open and roast you in his stomach.

[Balabanto]

So the heroes decide to covertly infiltrate this drug ring, in order to find a guy who ordered one of their own murdered. They've pretty much gotten it down to "Armando Fuentes"
 

They get to the guy and in the corner is a statue of someone. I tell them to make some rolls.

They start talking. "What's your name?"
 

"Silvio"

 

"Who's that?" (Pointing to the statue in the corner)
 

"Oh, him. That's Armando Fuentes. I had him stuffed."
 

After two minutes of silence, the heroes plotted a new strategy...