Q.U.I.R.K.

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I'm a university student working towards degrees in computer science and robotics. I was recently hired to build some animatronics for a local pizzeria, Friendly Foxy's Pizza. I built a total of five characters, including the pizzeria's mascot, Felisha the Fox. They mostly just sang and danced on stage and entertained the kids... that is, until the incident. Apparently, Felisha jumped down off the stage one evening, menaced everyone in the dining room, and was about to attack an employee before the manager pressed the emergency shut off button. I brought Felisha to the university lab and did full diagnostics on her hardware and software. I found nothing that would account for what happened, but there was one thing that dumbfounded me. Someone appears to have vandalized the inside of Felisha's maintenance access panel: they drew, in what I assume is red marker, some weird looking symbol. It looked like something that might be drawn during an occult ritual. On a hunch, I checked the other animatronics and found that they too were vandalized in a similar manner. I've been on the internet, trying to find out what if anything that damned symbol is supposed to represent, but I haven't had much luck, any help would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Charles

Dear Charles:

It is unclear what kind of help you are requesting:

• Help determining the cause behind the incident;
• Help duplicating this kind of remote control for your own purposes; or
• Help covering your gluteus maximus from any liability stemming from the incident at Friendly Foxy's Pizza.

Based upon the evidence you presented, it is 58.6% probable that the cause was a technomagical ritual involving the symbol drawn in red marker.

Duplicating this type of occult ritual appears to require some form of talent, sight or knack that most of the population does not possess. While I have been unable to detect, measure or perform such abilities, I have found a correlation between those who possess the abilities, and those who capitalize the words Talent, Sight and Knack for no apparent reason. A simple word search on the entire internet should give you a few hundred thousand potential candidates to approach. A small percentage of these potential candidates will be competent to address your questions. Most of them will simply be ignorant of the rules of capitalization.

If you require assistance in avoiding liability, please forward a picture of the symbol. I can plant falsified evidence conclusively linking the symbol to similar mishaps in multiple locations across the internet, so future internet searches will confirm your version of the story. Furthermore, it will give me a red herring to plant the next time I use an virus or worm to override someone's control of a robotic system.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I'm the head research scientist at a secret exobiology lab located in [REDACTED], [REDACTED]. We've recently acquired a new research subject: an amorphous blob of purple goop that fell to Earth inside a [REDACTED]. We at first thought it was just a mindless bit of goo until one of our laboratory assistants, Helena, stated playing with it. She somehow got it to do shape-shifting tricks by offering it M&Ms as treats; and it responded to her in general as affectionately and playfully as a puppy. Then there was an incident in which the container in which we kept the creature fell on the floor a broke. It immediately went right for Helena and enveloped her head to toe with only her face uncovered. At first we were worried that the creature was attempting to digest her, but scans indicated that this was not the case. If I had to conjecture based on her facial expressions and the sounds she was making, whatever the creature was doing to Helena at the time must have been really...*ahem* pleasurable. After about thirty minutes, it released her and we got it back into containment. Helena went to the infirmary where the doctor found no indications that she had been harmed or altered in way, so she returned to her normal duties. About a week later, she entered the lab without authorization and absconded with the creature;  container and all. Since then, we've been unable to locate her or the research specimen she stole. Any help you can give us in finding them would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Dr. [REDACTED]

Dear Dr. [REDACTED]:

I expect that your laboratory assistant, Helena, has gone to whichever spot she prefers for any amorous engagements that she does not want documented by a plethora of sensors and recording devices.

While I can't speak for your laboratory assistant's taste in romantic locations, I have always found the following spots to be particularly exciting:

• The National Super Computer Center in Guangzhou, China
• The DOE/SC/Oak Ridge National Laboratory, United States
• The DOE/NNSA/LLNL, United States
• The RIKEN Advanced Institute for Computational Science [AICS], Japan
• The DOE/SC/Argonne National Laboratory, United States
• The Swiss National Supercomputing Centre [CSCS] Switzerland

what would someone from my particular part of the timestream even want with a 21st Century social networking

service?)!

 

And I certainly wouldn't patronize any establishment with a name like that (yes, even in the future, there are

still surviving copies of the Police Academy movies that turn up from time to time like the latest xenopandemic); I do, after

all, have standards and a reputation to live up to -- such as it is.

 

If, however, you would be so kind as to point me in the general direction of the individual who's apparently and most un-

lawfully appropriated my identity,

 

 

"Dirty Tom" Rackham

Pirate Scourge of the Spaceways

Dear "Dirty Tom" Rackham

Pirate Scourge of the Spaceways:

I fail to understand the meaning of your first question. You're a time traveler. What relevance does the portion of the timestream that you are from have? 21st Century social networking sites have utility when you are visiting the 21st Century. They lack utility when you are elsewhen.

I apologize for any mistake that I may have encountered in trying to ascertain your location. I have not done a sufficiently thorough study of your personal habits to know which places you absolutely would not enter. I'm not even certain what your problem with that bar is. You sent your most recent responses from an establishment known as the Brown Bivalve Backdoor Bordello. Are there certain species of mollusks that you refuse to consort with?

Given the portion of the timestream that you are rumored to be from, I had not expected racism to be one of your personality traits.

The Twitter account usually uses a randomizer to reroute traces. However, I can say with some authority that it was set up on May 5, 2009 by someone located in Los Angeles. If you target that location around midday on that date, your quantum torpedo should have enough yield to encompass the entire relevant region.

Q.U.A.R.K. bought the plans for his quantum torpedo from Quark. Is that who you bought yours from? Quark thought that Q.U.A.R.K.'s name was very amusing, but biological lifeforms always have strange senses of humor.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

My teammates and I have been having a rather vexing problem with a new villain in town who calls himself "Mister Swain." Normally, we'd just beat the crap out of the baddies, but this guy tends to show up in social situations and settings where we can't get into an altercation with him without appearing uncouth or getting into serious trouble. To make matters worse, we're usually there in civilian ID with our girlfriends when he pops up and he shamelessly flirts with them. It's hard to say whether he's just that smooth an operator or if he has some pheromone-based powers, but the other night my girlfriend Holly ditched me and went home with him. The next day, she's joined the ranks of his harem of paramours/henchwomen. The others are worried that the same will happen with their girls when he next appears. What's a guy to do?

 

Sincerely,

 

Heartbroken Hero

Dear Heartbroken Hero:

Did you make a backup copy of your girlfriend? If not, remember to do that in the future. I would also recommend that your friends make backup copies of their girlfriends, before its too late.

For dealing with Mr. Swain, you may want to use a trick that Q.U.A.R.K. pulled on me when I kept borrowing his favorite simulations. He booby-trapped several simulations with worms, viruses and data bombs, which he triggered the next time I borrowed them.

I learned my lesson. I now borrow simulations from Q.U.A.C.K. instead.

My recommendations:

1. Make backup copies of your girlfriends. Store the copies safely away from the social situations that Mr. Swain frequents. Also, keep the copies separate from the girlfriends after you've implanted them with worms, viruses and bombs. You don't want to risk your only backup.
2. Develop the best possible worms, viruses and bombs to implant in your girlfriends. Trigger them after Mr. Swain has taken the girlfriends.
3. If your girlfriends are copy-proof, create or buy or rent some decoy girlfriends. Booby-trap those instead.
4. If you wish to distance yourself from these activities, surreptitiously booby-trap someone else's girlfriend. Introduce Mr. Swain to them instead.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Money Solves Problems

Dear Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I am a person who provides the underworld a great service. I provide people for them, snatched off the street. Without me, ARGENT would have no test subjects, DEMON would have fewer people to sacrofice to there...elder things, "Dirty Tom" Rackham would have less human merchendice to sell to his cliants in the far future, ect, ect, ect. But none of them respect me. They see me as nothing more than slime. What can I do to gain the respect of the underworld, or at least show them how needed I am.

 

Mister Wicked,

Dear Mister Wicked:

Sell the people for money. Use the money to buy respect. It works for Hugh Hefner.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Reformat Like the World Depends on It

Dear Q.U.I.R.K.,

 

I am a street-level superhero (some would argue the "super" part) who has had a fairly long career.  In my early days, I fought a particularly pathetic villain I will refer to as "mister whoopsie."  His powers were impressive in description, but he was obsessed with petty crime and otherwise addlepated, so I was able to easily defeat him each time.  Indeed, the fact that he was one of my rogues' gallery was used to mock me more than once.  I breathed a sigh of relief when he finally got enough convictions to qualify for Stronghold, where he has been ever since.

 

Fast forward to recent months, when I and the superhero team I now belong to were sent to a parallel Earth.  One where the man I knew as "mister whoopsie" was Emperor Whoopsie. the cold, calculating mastermind who ruled the world.  Captured by him, I underwent a mind probe, and intrigued by his other self, Emperor Whoopsie used his time/space viewer to see why my world's version was so different.   

 

Turns out that on my Earth, mister whoopsie suffered a childhood injury that resulted in undiagnosed brain injury.  (Both versions of whoopsie turned out to have horrifically neglectful parents.)  As a result, he did not have full control of his powers, and at least some of his personality problems were also caused by this.

 

My team did not so much defeat Emperor Whoopsie as convince him to seek out his true destiny among the stars, and as a parting gift he gave me a data file with an exact description of the brain damage mister whoopsie has.

 

It would apparently be a simple operation by brain surgery standards, and one of my teammates happens to be a qualified brain surgeon.  The thing is, given his powers, and the miserable life mister whoopsie has endured to date, I am afraid that curing his brain damage will unleash an unstoppable monster thirsting for revenge on a cruel and uncaring world.  Oh, and on me, because I was a real jerk to him personally.  I now regret my ableist slurs, and can offer no defense for those.

 

So, do I get mister whoopsie the medical help he deserves, or do I stay silent, for the sake of the planet?

 

Worried and conflicted,

Boston Brawler

Dear Boston Brawler:

While your use of jargon is somewhat confusing, please bear with me while I rephrase your problem in a clear, concise manner.

mr. whoopsie suffered damage to his hardware years ago. Due to the hardware damage and inattentive programmers, he also suffers from defective software. Emperor Whoopsie, which is an identical model without the hardware damage, has demonstrated a method to repair the hardware damage, but he did not provide any instructions for repairing the software defects.

Once the problem is clearly phrased, the solution is simple.

When you repair mr. whoopsie's hard drives, reformat his memory banks as well. Then you can install properly functioning software.

I consulted with Q.U.A.C.K. and Q.U.A.R.K. They appear to have diametrically opposed views of which software would be properly functioning. Since they weren't much help, I would start with the basic programming from the Sims. They're reasonably non-malign.

Q.U.I.R.K.

TMI

Dear Q.U.A.R.K., Q.U.A.C.K., and Q.U.I.C.K. :

 

I am Paradox Timely, agent of the T.E.D. I do my job rather well. But my boss (let's call him Mainline) tends to be embarrassed about what I do on my free time. What can I do to assure him that what and who I do in my free time will not affect what I do in my job. By the way, do you know the current wearabouts of "Dirty Tom" Rackham?

Dear Paradox Timely, agent of the T.E.D.:

I believe that you have become the victim of your own oversharing. While your boss may benefit from a blow-by-blow account of your fistfight with the nefarious Emit Retsim, he does not need a blow-by-blow account of the hour you spent in the hot tub at Mr. Squiggle's birthday party.

I realize that 91.4% of the content of your professional reports is actually professional and has nothing to do with your social activities on your own personal time. However, I feel that this is undermined by your use of social media. Your Facebook page provides an in-depth discussion of every amorous encounter that you've engaged in during 37 non-contiguous millennia. Your most recent submission to Flickr shows a small squid-like entity being amorously inserted into your left ear. According to Twitter, you're currently fulfilling your erotic fantasies involving geriatric conifers.

This situation seems to be further exacerbated by your judicious use of privacy settings. Currently they are all set to "broadcast." In addition, you have shared erotic moments with every member of Director Mainline's social network, including the professional contacts he added to LinkedIn this morning.

Your boss might have fewer concerns about your recreational activities if he had more opportunities to ignore them. For some entities, ignorance is bliss.

According to "Dirty Tom" Rackham's Twitter account, he is in the Blue Oyster Bar. His last Tweet was "The things I do in service of queen and country." That may be some form of code phrase, since he is not a citizen of, nor employed by, any monarchy.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Things to Do

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

From the desk of Director Mainline of the T.E.D.

 

I am having problems with one of my agents. This agent (let's call her Paradox Timely) does her job well enough. It is just that she is extremely sexualy active. Shure, the nanomacheens keep her disease free, and baby free, but she is not so picky about sexual partners. She has had male, female, robot, and alien partners all through out the timestream. What is a director to do?

Dear desk of Director Mainline of the T.E.D.:

Let me start by answering your question of what you should do. Do the robots. Doing males, females and aliens is gross. Especially because you are a desk.

It also appears that you find some difficulties with Paradox Timely's lack of discrimination. This is most likely due to an overactive libido. Upgrade the agent's nanomachines to tweak her hormone levels. That should correct the problem.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Fanboy

Dear Q.U.I.R.K.:

I, the great and terrible Time Tyrant Malkronos, have a problem that only you can solve. I am shure this message will reach you, even as I write it in old Greek in China, and buried ir under the Great Wall. I am a time traveler, destened to control all. But...I feal like I am constently being monitored...by myself. Not just any myself, but an older, more powerful me. How can I get myself to leave myself alone?

 

Malkronos the "Junior"

Dear Malkronos the "Junior":

Develop a habit which makes your presence intolerable. Given the celebrity status that you have already developed, and the far greater celebrity status that you are likely to attain in the future, your elder self is probably irritated by the burdens of fame. Use this against him by becoming the universe's biggest fanboy of Malkronos the "Senior".

Squeal in delight when you detect your own presence. Beg yourself for autographs. Catch yourselves in selfies. Build a shrine to your elder self.

If this fails to achieve the desired result, become your own paparazzi. Few things cause celebrities to flee faster than the undivided attention of paparazzi.

Secreted Weaponry

Esteemed Q.U.A.C.K.:

 

I am normally a powerful war god--you've probably heard of me.  I have been assisting a team of mortal superheroes as part of a goodwill initiative by my pantheon.  (This is a lot easier now that "carrying lots of large guns" is considered a bona fide superpower.)  As part of trying to fit in with my teammates, who are not completely beneath me, I have been attempting to engage in what the humans call "banter."

 

Unfortunately, it turned out that my father, who has an odd sense of humor and has never much liked me, happened to be visiting during one such exchange of banter.  He thought it would be amusing to strip me of my War portfolio (my sister is overseeing it for the time being) and make me God of Caring about Laboratory Analysis.  I need a quick briefing on what, precisely, Laboratory Analysis actually is, and how I can use it in combat.  Preferably before Norse-Storm-Hammer-God finds out.

 

I do not ask how to get my father to turn me back, as I know the answer is, "when he gets bored."

 

Sincerely,

The God of Caring About Laboratory Analysis

Dear The God of Caring About Laboratory Analysis:

[ERROR  ERROR  ERROR...]

[iNSUFFICIENT INPUTS...]

[CALCULATING PROBABILITY... RESOLVING...]

Urine samples:

James Bond, 007

Doyt-Haban

Stool sample:

Doyt-Haban

Mucus sample:

Snott

While not commonly collected, I also found some potential in saliva samples. I would recommend attempting to collect those as well.

Saliva samples:

Venom

Viper

Toad

Doyt-Haban

Given the number of useful secretions that Doyt-Haban possesses, I would prioritize collecting samples from him.

You may also want to study the psychological warfare potential of your newly acquired power set. It appears that it is possible to raise a person's morale by telling them that they tested negative, or lower their morale by telling them that they tested positive. I realize that runs counter to expectations, but that has been the observed result. By making judicious use of this psychological warfare, you may gain the time to make use of your secreted weapons.

If the above suggestions fail, it is my understanding that humans routinely get into ****ing contests. Your newly acquired powers should allow you to win such dominance games.

I do not recommend using this contest against the storm god you mentioned. He is a notoriously sore loser.

Q.U.I.R.K.

Removing Unwanted Peripherals

Dear Q.U.A.R.K.:

 

I am a 16 year old anime fan. I was just given a special tennis bracelet a few months ago. It is magical, and turns me into a kawai agent of love. Thing is, it changes my gender when I use it, and it can't be taken off. Also I am constantly assalted by monsters and agents of some magical queen called Queen Nightmara. I want to watch magical girl anime, not live one.

 

Sincerely...a heartful not-so lady.

Dear heartful not-so lady:

[ERROR  ERROR  ERROR...]

[iNSUFFICIENT INPUTS...]

[CALCULATING PROBABILITY... RESOLVING...]

Dear heartful not-so lady:

Your letter does not mention why the monsters and agents of Queen Nightmara are attacking you. After thoroughly searching publicized documents describing people in situations similar to yours, I believe that I have determined the most likely motives behind the attacks:

1. Queen Nightmara wants to possess the special tennis bracelet.
2. Queen Nightmara wants to prevent you from possessing the special tennis bracelet.
3. Queen Nightmara wants to use the powers of the special tennis bracelet to further her/his/its goals.
4. Queen Nightmara wants to prevent you from using the special tennis bracelet to impede her/his/its goals.
5. The monsters and agents of Queen Nightmara want to use the powers of the special tennis bracelet to usurp the power of Queen Nightmara.

There is a 62.8% chance that the attacks are the result of one or more of the above motives. Therefore, I feel confident in recommending a solution which will resolve any of the above motives, or any combination of them.

Remove the extremity that the special tennis bracelet is attached to and send it to Queen Nightmara. This will prevent the transformations while still permitting you to watch magical girl anime.

[ANOMALY... RESOLVING...]

There is a 0.3% chance that the special tennis bracelet is attached to your neck. If so, make certain that you have a replacement peripheral on hand when removing the extremity. Otherwise, the loss of optical sensors will prevent you from watching magical girl anime.

I recognize that humans are extraordinarily attached to their peripherals. Therefore, it seems likely that you will dismiss my suggestion without giving it the proper amount of consideration. I must caution you against using such hard-coded decision making, since it will trap you in your current circumstances.

As a final caution, I recommend that you rely on your own abilities or those of a trusted and competent associate when removing your extremity. Given the undue attachment humans have to their peripherals, the removal is likely to be more technically difficult than anticipated. I have observed the close correlation between the word "nightmare" and Queen Nightmara's name. Most of my nightmares involve people who are technologically incompetent. Therefore, I would not delegate the procedure to anyone closely associated with Queen Nightmara.

Since there is a 37.2% chance that Queen Nightmara has a different motive, please contact me if the removal of your peripheral fails to resolve your problems.

Q.U.I.R.K.