A rather large list that is sizeably smaller than my actual one.
This isn't my entire quote list, but I have an entire excel spreadsheet of awesomeness.
Seriously... This is just a few selections...
"F*** you and the horse you rode in on."
"You take the horse and I'll Jamie"
Steve and AJ
Side effects may include impotence with increased sex drive.
"Are you burning people alive again?"
"Just the corpses."
Jamie and Steve
I love you like Zeromancer loves white vinyl pants.
Leave him and I'll make made passionate sex with you.
Get the glowsticks out of my pants so I can think.
Don't sit there or your butt is going to smell like a**!!!
I'm Jackie, and I don't like riots or drugs!!
Why don't you support the elves? THEY LIVE IN A GODDAMN TREE!
If I wanted any lip from you, I'd peel it off my zipper.
Every time I see you, I vomit a little bit.
I'll duck duck your goose!
There's a sink right there! Now you're gonna taste like biscuits!
"Oh god… I'm a hick."
"Self-realization's a bitch, ain't it?"
Mary and Me 6/24/05
"We should replace you with a monkey."
"But monkeys fling POO!"
"… I think it would fit in fine."
"Probably. I fling verbal poo."
Me and Jackie 11/25/05
Everyone wishes they were in my demeanor, and by demeanor I mean pants.
Being fat isn't ugly. It's how you present your fat.
I'm like eggs. Over easy… No, wait.
Sadly, it's not the first time I've been drunk at church.
Tastes like expensive panties.
"Are you suffering from Lil John's disease?"
Me and Steve 1/23/07
"I ate the whole produce section."
"AND SHE'S LACTOSE INTOLERANT!"
Me and a very drunk Jamie 2/1/07
It's easy. It's like Irish people learning how to drink beer.
Resident Evil?!?!?!!! Oh yeah, 'cause nothing says "F*** ME" like rotting flesh.
It's like snakes on a plane. You're gonna get f***ed up… eventually.
Boobs just make beer so much better.
"What are we doing?"
"We're piercing our nipples and selling our souls!"
Me and Mary 6/2/07
"You made the quote book twice today. You MUST be drunk!"
"… not yet."
Jamie and Rene 6/2/07
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did we almost die?
When is the August 4th thing?
Women are like rabid wolves, They will smell your fear and weakness.
Who says he's not canoeing to Mecca?
Words are fun, Renee! Use them! … that's not a word, that's a fist!
"So, what did I miss?"
"We took over the world… You get Finland."
Me and Mary 8/18/07
"I love Samuel L. Jackson."
"That's not Samuel L. Jackson."
"Really? Well, I still love him."
Jamie and Me 9/21/07
I drank a lot of fight juice tonight.
"If that's the case, just move to Canada… You'll be safe there."
"I'm not moving to Canada because a squirrel wants to kill me."
Mel and Me 9/25/07
That's just like Wyoming. It doesn't exist. It's just the black hole of America.
His a** could melt the heart of the devil.
Breasts speak louder than words.
"I don't think Batman had a weakness that was glaringly obvious like Superman."
"Uh… He was pretty bad at taking bullets."
Mel and Me 10/18/07
Now I'm better and will spread my legs for pretty much anyone wearing a white coat.
It's going to be super happy fun sugar candy yummy party. It's sugar rush crazy. You will be so energetic you will be UNCOMFORTABLY energetic! You will be moving so fast that mother nature will tell you to slow down. You will run as fast as Kenyans. You'll be good at everything - running, football, basketball, weddings, parchesi and arson!
This is the homeless database… We call it… Steve
If someone stalks you afterwards, it's not considered sex.
"That's it! Make me an appointment with a random diety!"
"I'm sorry… what?"
Me and Mel 11/15/07
I'm outraged. I'm a rage of out.
"I really liked Vladimir's eyes…"
"… so I took them and deported him back to Russia."
Tim and Me 11/19/07
"It sounds like a cheap knockoff of Voltron you'd find in the dollar store."
"It's only worth the dollar if you coat it with GHB."
Me and Mel 11/20/07
Men being able to tie their shoes is sexy.
I sexually harass myself every night.
"I really needed some alone time."
"I'm glad I could be a part of it."
Jamie and Me 12/3/07
You have flour and water and you have glue. Add sugar and eggs and you have cake. I've always wondered what happened with the glue?
Justin r 12/9/07
I'm sorry, you don't have fire insurance. You have St. Elmo's fire insurance.
"I actually started thinking and it's making me crack the f*** up."
"Thank god porn isn't scratch and sniff."
Me and Mel 12/12/07
"I want a piggy back ride!"
"I'm not a wireless router."
Mel and Pat 12/30/07
Every time you use a dryer sheet a faerie dies.
I need to be disgusted at a more efficient level.
"But what do you expect from a Buddhist vegetarian?"
"Enlightenment… and probably anemia."
Me and Jackie 1/18/08
"You never cross the streams."
"I know. I learned that from Ghostbusters."
Falk and Brunette 2/10/08
I'm just trying to muster my Jedi resolve.
Holy crap, I'm hopped up on caffeine. I feel like I could outrun a puma… or a fat person IN pumas.
Alcohol gives me spirit fingers.
Your future child's mother is drunk.
We're gonna have a threesome with you.
Do I have to be there?
- Mary and Me 4/1/08
Watch out kids! I'm drunk with hypothetical power!
Porn is like duct tape. It define reason, understanding, and reality… and the good ones have great bondage.
I have dirty fingers 'cause I type dirty words.
Don't make me concentrate on your face with my fist... 'cause I'll do it.
Pat (to Mel) 9/15/08
“God was ghetto.”
”Yeah. He popped a cap in those Hasidians.”
Me and Seth 9/20/08
"Ash, you'll always be purple to me… EPIC!"
"That's nerd love right there."
Steve and Me 9/26/08
"So… Do you bathe using sarcasm soap in the morning ot do you always wear the aroma so strongly"
"It's my natural pheromones… You like?"
Mary and Me 9/30/08
"This villain stuff is hard."
"No wonder the hero always wins."
"I don't know any innocents, so we need to place an ad."
"WANTED: Innocents for capture, torture, and eventual evisceration. Masochists need not apply."
"Capture, torture and evisceration may not appeal to them… How about eventual icecream?
Seth and Me 10/4/08
She has the personality of an autistic coat rack.
"I am always willing to share my smart and pretty."
"If I were you, I'd charge. I bet you can make some mucho dinero."
"Unlike Kelis, my milkshake is non gratis. Enjoy."
"Yes, but does yours lead small children to the yard? If so, I'd return it."
"Just adult Gentiles. My milkshake brings all the goys to the yard."
*me laughing hysterically*
Seth and Me 10/8/08
"How did you know about the Squirrellords?"
"The secret society of arboreal wizards set on human domination? I read about it in People."
"Wow… they have everything."
"It was in the 50 Hottest Threats to Civilization issue."
Me and Seth 10/14/08
Today is looking good for that aneurism.
Dunkin Donuts would make so much money if they sold men there too.
I like the mullet. They should bring that back.
I'm gonna get hammered in every nation… I'm all about cultural awareness.
Your hair is a maelstrom of awesome.
“I've had brain surgery.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t make you a doctor.”
Mom and Me 11/3/08
"I am currently marveling at the many Obama signs in the crowd of last Thursday's Broncos/Browns game in Cleveland."
"I love Barrack and Roll."
"Barrack you like a hurricane."
"Barrack the Casbah"
"Once you go Barrack, you'll never go back."
"... oh man... you just won."
"I didn't even go to "Barrack out with your rack out"."
"Rock out with your Barrack out?"
"I am gonna call it my Barrack from now on."
"Or you could call it the O-Bama"
"I am tired of sitting on my Cheney all day."
"HA! I wonder if he says that himself…"
"Wiping with the Constitution for eight years has got my W all inflamed!"
Seth and Me 11/13/08
Vicki must have been adorable doing figure skating in the morning before school and hockey after school. I wonder if she ever got confused and body checked someone in a sequined leotard.
I wanna pierce my ****… No, I don't… Why did I say that? Ugh! My brain and my mouth are like two sisters that hate each other.
When I bust rhymes, them sh*ts stay broken.
It would explode my brain.
I don't know if I'm lucky or stupid.
"You don't want to open that can of worms. Great, now there's a bunch of laughter and worms all over the ground."
"You get to vaccuum."
Me and Ashley 12/16/08
"Hey you must be Mexican."
"Can I cross your border?"
"Yeah, I'll use that on your sister next time."
Ashley, Me and Steve 12/19/08
He's like a baby dog. If you don't talk slow, he'll get confused and piss on the carpet.
There's always room for jello wrestling.
Pfft… It's not better than sex… It's $16 wine.
I'm glad we're friends like this, 'cause anyone else would press assault charges.
"Whiners can't be winners."
"Ugh… What 1950's book of quotes did you dig that one out of?"
"It's from my new book 'Useless Aphorisms Learned From High School Coaches'."
"I may have actually just fallen in love with you."
"It happens. I have the number of a support group if you need it."
Seth and Me 1/2/09
"Time to put on your grey wig and house dress for the injury report photos."
"I don't really wanna take the time to do that."
"I'll put on mine and fake the knee injury. Do I look out for you, or what?"
"You're my knight in white hair and walker."
Seth and Me 1/9/09
The force is strong with me, but if it was stronger people would be flying through windows.
You never fail to disappoint me.
You touched me in a way that made me wanna call the cops.
I'm too dirty to ever wear white.
It smells like spiced placenta.
"Kickin it old school with the J.C."
"Up in tha Bethlehizzle."
Jamie and Me 2/13/09
The Hulk's shorts change size because no one wants to see a floppy green dongle… That's a lie. I'd totally buy that comic book.
We're filming a lung porno.
"I don't really want to share the toxicity a-churnin' in my brainpan."
"How very 19th Century grizzled prospector of you."
Me and Jackie 4/2/09
We broke up two years from now.
"Well the good news is the swine flu 'pandemic' is media hype. And since its now h1n1 flu instead of swine flu, you can pet pigs at the kiddie zoo again. Just stay away from the droid zoo."
"I do have a tendency of licking metal when it is a robot."
"I had heard rumors of your chromosexuality, but I paid them no heed."
Seth and Me 5/6/09
He was just recreationally using PCP... Well, I guess you don't use PCP to cure asthma...
"Are you an idiot savant."
"I don't know about 'savant'."
"Well it sounds fancy, so sign me up!"
Me, Jamie and Matt 5/16/09
"I think I'll donate that to Loaves and Fishes."
"In my mind, I heard you say 'hos and bitches'."
Me and Mel 7/14/09
"If you sweat sugar water, do [butterflies] swarm on you?"
"No... you can't grab them. They freak out... But if they land on you, a hitchhiker is okay."
"So, can you wear a bikini made of fruit roll ups?"
"As long as it's tasteful. "
Seth and Me 7/22/09
You know how they call that a muffin top? I want a mini muffin top.
"I've rarely said while being stabbed 'Oh that hurts so bad it fills me with joy'. I've also rarely been stabbed."
"I think I've been stabbed more than you."
"Yeah, but you did it to yourself."
Mel and Me 8/20/09
Don't have a stroke. I don't wanna take care of you.
He couldn't finish the game, but he was really good at pressing the "A" button.
Mighty Morphin Power Reavers
I think it was Jimmy. The San to my Chez.
I didn't miss anyone. I'm hard on the inside.
I just got to play jealous girlfriend because this disgusting guy in his late forties started grinding up on Jamie like a tween on Edward Cullen.
The guy was dumb. Apparently he thought the look of horror on her face was a 'let's have clothing sex' look.
Aahh! Things move so fast! New topic: Waterboarding the Cheetos cheetah.
"You smell good."
"That's 'cause I sprayed my face with cologne."
Vicki and Seth 9/12/09
Its like putting a pair of boobs on a car alarm.
Vicki 09/12/09 [Meg Ryan]
Whatever, its just iambic pentameter.
So just like last times... But new times....
Come on David Carradine... You're in Bangkok, can't you get a safety hooker?
You know its bad when the fake ghost hunters say you're faking it.
We were all like, no one can have sex cause then you're gonna die.
Eric 9/12/09 [Dudleytown]
"I'm baby proof."
"Have you been scotch guarded?"
Ceebs and Me 9/12/09
I got pulled over [when] walking.
My grandmothers native American name was "Blanche".
"What's a snuff film?"
"...It'll make you a star, baby."
Ashley and Bro 9/13/09
Vermont is the West Virginia of the north.
"You’ve been lying to me with every LOL, haven’t you?"
"Yes I have."
"If you’re just trying to goad me into spanking you, it won’t work."
"Curses! Foiled again!"
Me and Seth 9/14/09
"I don't listen to the news or follow politics or do anything that a real adult should. I'm like Peter Pan without those girly tights."