QUARK
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Posts posted by QUARK
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Re: I need advice...
Dear Q.U.A.R.K.Hi. I'm a hero in the local "hero scene" - but, well, there's this girl that I like. She, uh, well, she's intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful, witty... and it turns out we have alot in common. She's also horribly evil.
But, well, I can't stop thinking about her. And I don't think it's mind control either.
What should I do? How do I break the ice? All I know is that between the red leather, whip, and lasso, I'm having trouble keeping my mind on my work whenever I have to deal with her.
Sincerely:
Frustrated Sidekick in Vibora
Dear Frustrated,
Your best course of action is to turn to the darkside. Not only will you have a better shot at scoring with that hot little vixen, I can assure you you'll have alot more fun being a villain. I look forward to seeing you at this year's Baddest Of The Bad Beach Brawl.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Quark -I've recently completed my on-line degree in "Completely Unlikely Nuclear Physics". With the job market being the way it is, I've had to take a part-time job within an established firm.
Just last week I was working day-shift when the do-gooders ran in. Most of my co-workers ran screaming, but I was grabbed by my section leader and told to man the self-destruct system. How can I, the smartest person ever to step foot in the door, be expected to sacrifice myself for my no-neck, butt-licking supervisor?
James Pedeaston, Super Genius
Dear Mr. Pedeaston,
It sucks being a working stiff (take it from my second cousin, who worked as a sewage overflow management system
). If you can't start a profitable business of your own using your degree, consider selling prepaid legal insurance. It's a service in huge demand and you can rake in a ton of cash from each client (especially those involved in supercrime). I've kept a comfortable lifestyle despite my recent demotion by selling policies on the side, and I highly recommend you give it a try.Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Q.U.A.R.K.,I am a fairly experienced super-henchman. I use my massive strength to bust open bank vaults and punch heros into orbit for my employers. It's fun work and the pay is nice.
My problem is this: a girl. I like this spooky ghost-controlling super-babe who wears nothing but leather. everytime I see her I drop a wall on my foot. But I am sure she only sees me as a "dumb brick'. I have a post-graduate degree in ornitholgy but because I can throw an aircraft carrier across the Hudson, everyone thinks I am an idiot. What can I do?
Thanks,
Mad Angus MacCray
Dear Mad Angus,
The female of the species very often has that effect on the male (if it wouldn't get me in trouble with HR, there's this cutie in Customer Service with a nice set of chips who...er, nevermind). If you get the chance to meet her outside work, you should be be able to win her over if you just be yourself.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Felicitations, my good Q.U.A.R.K. :As a soon-to-be world conqueror of refinement and impeccable breeding, I find myself faced with an intolerable affront to my dignity which I would be grateful (and generous) for your help in eliminating.
The recent culmination of a three year project by my team of hired, and frankly woefully overpriced scientists, was the successful bestowal of great superpowers upon myself, specifically the power to transform into a mighty being of solidified ionic energy. While this energy form has proven to be as capable as I was promised, its destructive power is such that to safely handle mundane items, not to mention articulate commands (my energy form is mute), I must resume human form.
I was understandably offended to discover that the process of transformation completely atomizes any garments I may be wearing, which do not reintegrate when I resume my human shape. This is of course an unacceptable humiliation to a man of manners. The inept techno-cretins I hired were unable to correct the problem or to devise any material that could withstand the transformation, and so of course are now small piles of ash in the dustbin outside my headquarters. (An outcome you would be wise to remember.)
I come to you now to request your assistance in devising a solution to my condition, or a stratagem by which I may avoid compromising my dignity in the eyes of my enemies and underlings. Your compensation shall be commeasurate with your success, or your failure.
Awaiting your response, I remain
Yours Sovereignly,
Baron Ion
Dear Esteemed Baron Ion,
I know of several underworld costumers who specialize in cliental whose powers have drawbacks similar to those you discribed. Contact information is being sent to you as you read this and I can assure you they will be able to resolve your problem.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
(busy week, time to do some catch-up)
Greetings great and dishonourable Q.U.A.R.K.It is with great humility that I address you. Meddling superheroes destroyed my VIPER base and the Council of Thirty (Those miserable dogs) have sent it's assassins to silence me.
How do I recover my lost honour?
How do I reconcile with the Serpent?
Humblly yours
The Sinister Samurai
Dear Sinister Samurai,
Your best chance to get back in good standing with His Scaliness is to track down the supermeddler who has been the biggest thorn in VIPER's side and bring them in- dead or alive, whichever is the most practical. But don't just go gunning for the dogooder unprepared; dig up as much as you can on their strengths and weakness and put together a solid plan of action.
Bad probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear QUARK,My girlfriend recently left me due to the machinations of a mind-controlling metahuman. ("Can't turn the power off", my @$$.) When I attempted to persuade her that she was being manipulated and should return to my loving arms, things got a little out of hand. The upshot is that I am now serving time in a reform school. (I'm sure her jaw will heal!)
While I am not exactly a genius, I'm good with machinery, and have been granted access to the school's machine shop. I plan to build a crude armored battlesuit, break out, and get my revenge on the mind-controller.
The problem is that he resides in a school for metahuman teenagers, and I may be forced to fight his teammates as well. Given my limited access to high technology, what weapons would you recommend I build in to maximize combat flexibility?
Thanks,
Jawbreaker
Dear Jawbreaker,
First, let me recommend you become a member of FOE (Fiendish Order of Evil), the equipment rental discounts at affiliated stores pays for itself after your first evil scheme, plus their fleet of medevac units can be a life saver when you encounter tough supers like those at this school you mentioned. As for the best non-tech-intensive armaments for your starter suit, I recommend a chaingun or two, a grenade launcher, a chainsaw, and a flamethrower.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Q.U.A.R.K.The end of the millennium brought out lots of panic and an upsurge in membership of dark and evil cults. However the cult ran into a snag with the old ritual sacrifice thing. There just doesn't seem to be any nubile virgins around anymore. And killing kids is just plain cheating. So where do you get a nubile virgin from nowadays ? Either sex but female preferred.
Sincerely
Death Tribble
Dear Death Tribble,
Uncle Lou and I are please to hear the dark cults are still going strong today and that you have no intention of watering down the timeless practices of the dark arts. As for the shortage of nubile virgin females in the modern day, there is just no way around it I'm afraid. What's more, any such rarity you do manage to procure will likely be the love interest of some uber-do-gooder who will thwart your carefully planned ritual and wipe out the lot of you. I recommend you stick to rituals that will allow you to tribute people nobody will ever miss such as telemarketers, petty criminals, and Richard Hatch from Survivor.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Access Q.U.A.R.K. :I received an invitation to guest host the 1st Annual Celebrity Roast to be held at an unspecified date at the Sanctuary Flambe and Smokehouse. The vict--erm--honorees include Michael Moore and Jerry Falwell. I'm hot to accept, but my co-host is none other than my old flame Cool Ice. I melt whenever we meet. The problem is, so does he. How can we hook up again without going up in steam?
Signed,
Burning for a Second Chance
Dear Burning,
I recommend you think twice about applying open flame to the likes of Moore and Falwell unless a) you and your boyfriend can withstand the massive explosion that will result and
there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet.Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Q.U.A.R.K.,Inspired by your last column run where Lady Virtue turned into Lady Vice (I've been following her career closely having all the issues etc) I have decided at last what sort of super villain I wish to be.
World Conquest sounds tedious, and simple cash flow seems tawdry, so I have settled on- Corruption!
Yes, I want to be a corrupter. I want to turn good girls bad. I want to sway good guys to the dark side. I wish to make the sweet sour and have a ball doing it. Thank you, for giving me direction for my villainous career.
If you could help me once more, I was wondering...
1) What method (Magic, Tech, Psychic powers etc) would you reccomend as best for corruption?
2) Who do you think would make a good target?
3) Where would be the best place to make my lair?
Sin-cerely,
just started in the evil game
Dear Just Started,
1) One doesn't need special powers to be a corruptor, ask any producer of a reality television program.
That said, I'd go the technological route, the other two options you mentioned tend to be abit iffy.2) As a wise ol' fellow once said, "There's a sucker born every minute."
3) I hear the Hamtons is nice (if it was good enough for Martha...)
I'm please to hear you enjoyed the exploits of Lady Vice and recommend you check out her spread in the next issue of SSM.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Pitfiend,
This is truly a disgrace, especially for villain of the Doctor's caliber (what ever happened to honor among thieves? Shame). The best way to recover your losses in this case is to set the place up as a decoy base/trap for the do-gooders. As long as you don't waste it on just any ol' group of caped clods, you should be able to get your money's worth afterall. When life gives you lemons, yada, yada.
Bad Probability,
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Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Mr. Easter,
It's always unfortunate when one's name makes one the butt of jokes, I can assure you it has happened to the best of us. While you can always kill the do-gooders who insult you, a less drastic solution may be to simply change your name. Consider something like Ben Dover, I.P. Freely, or Amanda Hugginkis (though the later may have a change of gender as a prerequisite). Good luck, and as always...
Bad Probabilty,
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Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers!
After a long hiatas, the supervillain advice column is back. I've reassumed my position as columnist after Uncle Lou returned to reclaim his position as Editor-In-Chief (he was hiding in a spider hole in Iraq all the time, who knew?). Unfortunately, Lou wasn't pleased with my attempts to "MAXIMize" SSM and I barely managed to avoid being fired outright, but that's the way the cookie gets deleted. So without further adu, I'll be answering your questions on everything from success in your carreer of evil to making the most of the supervillain lifestyle. Pestered by some meddling kids and their pot-smoking, talking dog? Worried you're just a couple of botched hiests away from a long stay in Stronghold? Want to be more respected by your fellow evil doers? Write in, I'm always ready to listen.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,
I wish to seek your advice regarding foreign competition. Lately it seems that American crime organizations are outsourcing more and more jobs overseas. It seems that Viper can pay an Indian or Chinese supervillain 1/10 of what they would have to pay an American supervillain.
My operations are being squeezed. My company is getting fewer assignments, and the clients are negotiating some hefty reductions in my fees. If this continues, I'll have to start downsizing and laying off some of my lackeys, and reducing the Super Science R&D budgent. I'll even have to contribute less to my Swiss Bank account as well.
What is an Awesome Supervillain such as myself to do?
Kosmic Krusher.
Dear Krusher,
Jobs being outsourced to cheaper labor markets overseas is an unfortunate sign of the times. The key to your organization's survival is to play even dirtier and more dastardly. Anonymously drop a dime on PRIMUS, UNTIL, and/or some superhero teams about these foreign villains and things should start looking up for you. In the meantime, consider talking to one of Uncle Lou's old cohorents for help with contract negotiation. Just dial: 1-666-MEPHISTOPHELES
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Mayday
Dear Quark.
For years I have been pursuing a career in politics. I have a beautiful wife, a respected career prosecuting criminals and on the dinner circuit, am photogenic and inherited wealth from my parents, but recently my wife suffered mental trauma and has become a vigilante, combing the streets at night in a leather catsuit assaulting criminals.
She refuses to attend any more political fundraisers or have children, in fact she says she hates me! People are starting to talk!
And I haven't had any since this happened a year ago. I don't know how much longer I can let his go on.
What would you recommend? Surgically alter an actress to pose as my wife, a quiet divorce, spill her secret Identity and play it as a tough stance on crime or a 10 step Stepford wife program?
I would also like to speak to Uncle Lou regarding my political career, I feel he can do alot for me. Is there a mailing address where I can leave a message should he return?
Anonymous in New York
Dear Anonymous,
With regards to your marital quandry, I recommend you discreetly hire a "professional" to arrange a little "accident" for your current wife and speak to my old friend Teleios about creating a wife more to your liking.
As for Uncle Lou, it's been months with no word from him but I will have one of my bikini-clad secretaries dust off Lou's old rolladex and see if one of his people would be willing to assist you in your quest for political power.
Bad Probability,
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Greetings Super Scum Magazine Subscribers!
Sadly Uncle Lou, founder and Editor-In-Cheif of our great publication, has disappeared to parts unknown and it seems he is never returning. While we at SSM are sadden by his loss, the show must go on to quote the Bard. And since I am the the senior most member of the staff, company bylaws say I am now in control (heh heh). My first official act as EIC will be to introduce SSM's newest feature in this issue:
The Supervillain Classifieds
In our new Classifieds pages, you our readers may place ads for everything from henchperson job opportunities, to those old doomsday devices and superweapons in your garage you'd like to sell. There's even a section for personals. NOTICE: Limited space available, please keep listings reasonably short.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Gary
Quark,
I just sent 8 bodies over.
Male/Female "hunk"/"babe"
Male "anonymous"
Female "child"
Male/Female "Old Fart"/"Old Crone"
Generic dog
Generic cat
Unfortunately, the shape shift model is a trifle unstable. It's safer shipping separate bodies.
Let me know what attachments and upgrades you want. By adding in Chemical X, these bodies can be greatly strengthened.
Kosmic Krusher
Dear Krusher,
Thanks again for the new bodies. If it can be arranged, I'm going to need a new shapeshifter body. You were right about the unstable part, though I believe there's a way to correct the problem (I'm sending you some specs and notes that might be helpful). In the meantime...
A SPECIAL ANOUNCEMENT FOR ALL SUPER SCUM MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS:
With the recent mysterious disappearance of Uncle Lou, I as the senior most member of the SSM staff will be acting editor and chief. Lou was last seen during the aftermath of an evil plot gone horribly wrong down at the Bad Sector Club. My contact at the Space Academy has recently informed me that he hasn't been by with the latest batch of Super Scum Magazines and other contraband goodies, so we here at SSM Headquarters fear the worst. I will keep you informed as further information becomes available
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Blue
Dear QUARK,
While cleaning out the recently confiscated base of the local group of evil-doers our team has run across some very interesting facts. I speak of the blow-up doll in the closet in the room of the team's leader (beneath a pile of stiff kleenex tissues), a past-due notice for electrolysis payments by the team's resident 'babe' villain, a collection of Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony paraphenalia in the room of the team's brick, and a series of badly written love poems to foxbat that belong to an unknown individual among the team.
My question is... is it wrong of us to release all of this information? We're heroes.. But come on! Just how many scruples do we have to have! We can be good guys and still leak this info to the press, right?
Dear Blue,
If they actually left embarassing items such as you've discribed just lying around, I'd say it's fair game. Infact, I for one would love to hear even more details if you have them.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by misterdeath
Beware of this, I tried sending QUARK a very nice biomorphic android for Christmas. Had it made up all pretty, with some nice enhancements, including a Reverse Phase Anti-photon Cannon.
It came marked Undeliverable, and it blew up when I opened it. Inside was a note, "Please, do not attempt this again."--L.C.F.
Sorry. Just an FYI. Took a few days to get bioplasm off the carpet.
D
Uncle Lou did that? Damn...
Okay, don't send the robot body to SSM HQ, send it to my idiot younger sibling Q.U.I.R.K. and he'll bring it to me (I bribed him with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City). In the meantime, it appears me and Uncle Lou need to have a little chat.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,
I've made great progress in Project 792 PTS. However, I find that I need an ingredient called Chemical X. An insanely intelligent (but highly redundant) colleague of mine has assured me that he can produce some, but given his prior track record, I have my doubts. Should I just bypass the middleman and kidnap the professor who developed the formula? It would be highly risky as his three daughters make fearsome bodyguards. However, possession of Chemical X would greatly enhance my chances of conquering the world.
Kosmic Krusher
Dear Kosmic Krusher,
I just so happens I duped the professor into giving me the formula for Chemical X last week (I still can't believe he really thought I was my goody-two-shoes brother, what a sucker
). I'd be happy to share the formula in exchange for your help in stealing one of Mechanon's back-up robot bodies, I'm sick of being couped up in SSM headquarters all day.Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Proemial
Dear QUARK
I am having something of a dilemma: A few years back I started my career as a Hero. You may remember some of my exploits in the Pacific Rim theatre, and that messy business involving the orbital war for Earth's magnetic field. Without meaning to trumpet myself too loudly, I did manage to kick a few world-conquerering schemes drummed up by so called geniuses.
Yes, and it looks like they didn't listen to my advice.
However, a few months back I got possessed by one your villainous comrades. Nice chap by the name of Parasite.I've known quite a few parasites in my time, the last one was my roommate in college.
Sadly his possession went a bit awry, and resulted in me going on a murderous rampage up the Eastern Seaboard of the United States for a few months. Many innocent people died, as well as some heroes and villains.Oh, THAT Parasite. Unfortuately, this happens alot with him. I told him to stick to possessing mere mortals but he just has to be a big shot.
Since the rampage, my old friends don't want to associate with me. In fact, many of them consider me no better than you murderous scum.Heroes can be so cruel with their value judgements
Anyway, to the point, I'm seeking some way of drowning the gnawing guilt that sits in my soul.Watch a couple of hours of "reality television", that's enough to make anyone's soul go numb.
Since I've noticed that you villainous types rarely seem to have attacks of conscience, I'm wondering if the villain route would be the way to go for a cure?Possibly, but if you plan to make a career of evil be prepared to go all the way. Nobody repects a bad guy who does things half-assed.
So, if anyone out there is in need of a helper who can fly faster than fighter jets, and can channel the inferno of the sun in order to slag aircraft carriers and small towns, please contact me.Seraphim
I'm sure a person of your talents will have no trouble finding a villain group or organization who'll be happy to have you as a member.
Bad Probability,
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MEGA BUMP!!!!
:eek: -
Re: Hmmm....
Originally posted by MaydayDear QUARK,
My husband and I were married just before his work permit expired and he had to return to his layer of Hell but I forgot which one it is. Has your uncle Lou seen my husband? Tall, red skin, tail, cloven hooves? I thought that perhaps the marriage would allow us to remain together and am fighting this deportation. When we are successful I will need to contact him.
We will still have more paid holidays and nude beaches than you, MightyBec. Suffer.
Mayday, heroine of France
Dear Mayday,
Uncle Lou could be persauded to help you and your husband with this "imagration issue" if you agree to do a favor for him in exchange. As for what precisely that favor will be, you'll just have to negotiate that with him.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,
I have been informed by the Very Important League of Looters, Anarchists, and Insufferable Ninjas (V.I.L.L.A.I.N), and the Grand Awesome National Genius Super Team of Evil Rogues (G.A.N.G.S.T.E.R) Local 666 that this solution is unacceptable. Apparently, all evil geniuses subject to VILLAIN and GANGSTER must have a fatal flaw. If I tried to circumvent the bylaws, I'm liable to receive an annoying cowardly advisor who gives bad advice, hinders all my efforts, sabotages my plans, appears all the time, and who I must strangely tolerate and not incinerate within minutes. (25 point DNPC
)I must find another solution.
Kosmic Krusher
PS VILLAIN and GANGSTER have informed me that they intend to conduct an audit of your activities. Apparently, they feel you've been violating a few bylaws as well.
Dear Kosmic Krusher,
Bylaws like those you mentioned are precisely the reason I'm not and never have been a member of VILLAIN or GANGSTER. I only answer to Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou") and if either organization causes me any trouble they will literally have HELL to pay.
Bad Probability,
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Originally posted by Gary
Dear Quark,
Apparently, I have a bad habit that I must broadcast all my villainous intentions to the heroes. I know that I am not alone in having this affliction. Many of my fellow world conquering evil mastermind and supreme genius colleagues have this same problem.
What is a suave Supergenius as magnificent, humble, and modest as myself to do?
Kosmic Krusher
PS Patriot, the attack on the French base starts in a week.
Dear Kosmic Krusher,
If you always feel the urge to anounce something during a fight, anounce the exact opposite of what you're really going to do. Better still, instead of anouncing what you're going to do next, start reading your laundry list or shopping list out loud during the fight.
Bad Probability,
). If you can't start a profitable business of your own using your degree, consider selling prepaid legal insurance. It's a service in huge demand and you can rake in a ton of cash from each client (especially those involved in supercrime). I've kept a comfortable lifestyle despite my recent demotion by selling policies on the side, and I highly recommend you give it a try.
there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet.
That said, I'd go the technological route, the other two options you mentioned tend to be abit iffy.
). I'd be happy to share the formula in exchange for your help in stealing one of Mechanon's back-up robot bodies, I'm sick of being couped up in SSM headquarters all day.
:eek: 
)
(In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
in Champions
Posted
Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!
Dear Major Tom,
With the timely return of Uncle Lou, the free flow of contraband goodies into the Academy should start anew very soon. Happy to hear you're renewing, don't miss the excussive fold out of Viperia in this year's swimsuit issue.
Bad Probability,