kickback

Here’s my advice for all you nine-to-fivers: Just enjoy your weekends and your reality television and your Applebees. Don’t start wishing that something interesting would happen. The universe takes those thoughts as a sign to kick you in the ass. Believe me. My butt has the boot prints to prove it.

I was at the country club, nursing a drink at the bar, and feeling sorry for myself. Down in the depths on the ninetieth floor, you know? I thought being here was what I wanted. When I decided to put roots down in Hudson and live like people, I didn’t intend to be a nobody. Now here I was with a legit invitation, no fake names or plus ones, hobnobbing with the bluebloods.

It was boring. It’s not like I hadn’t mixed with the elite before. Been there, done that, stole the T shirt.

Which was a pretty perverse feeling, because lately my life was just a little too interesting. After getting tired of the squalid little scandals and secrets of Hudson City’s glitterati, I’d taken a job as a goddamn superhero. I knew it was a bad idea, but I hadn’t known how damn scary my employers really were. I was afraid to stay and afraid to quit.

I was making progress in my occult studies, and that was also ulcer-inducing. Magic is a dangerous business, and my only teacher was a dead man’s journal. Yes, Virginia, there really are things man was not meant to know, and I had gotten a little too close to some of them. No wonder the nightmares were back.

But like a glutton for punishment, there I sat – Edison Palmer, the man who always knows better - wallowing in my restlessness and dissatisfaction. Naturally, the universe got its boots on.

She moved through the room like a barracuda through a school of minnows. She was sleek and dangerous, a predator in a little black dress and fuck-me pumps. She wasn’t exactly beautiful, but you couldn’t take your eyes off her.

At least, I couldn’t. No one else in the room seemed to notice her. They all looked right through her, even as they moved out of her way. Miss Czolgosz is full of tricks. You wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley. I speak from experience.

I have a few tricks of my own, but the night she snuck up on me she swatted me down like I was nothing. The memory still rankled. And she was just the hired help. She worked for a man called The Broker. He was supposed to be a big shot in the world of magic. He was supposed to be a lot of things, and the rumors stretched back over a hundred years. Urban legends want to be The Broker when they grow up.

I’d struck a deal with The Broker in that alley: Knowledge for service. He gave me the mystical tomes that I struggled with every night. And I owed him three favors.

I was pretty sure that whatever The Broker called on me to do would be unpleasant at best, probably very dangerous, and quite possibly fatal. It was not a well-considered trade. Seeing a pattern here? I really should take up sudoku when I get bored.

But the deal was struck, and there would be no weaseling out. Not if I wanted to keep all my limbs. If a tenth of the rumors were true, The Broker had an Old Testament kind of attitude towards people who broke faith. So when Miss Czolgosz turned to look at me and nod, I didn’t waste a moment in downing my drink and following her.

She led me through the ballroom, where casino night was in full swing, and headed for the terrace. The crowd parted for her as she walked, but not for me. By the time I'd sidestepped a dozen suckers and slipped through the French doors, I’d almost lost her. In the faint light of the crescent moon she was a dim shadow slipping across the lawn towards the golf course.

I sped after her, welcoming the exertion in the cool March air. She waited for me at the very edge of the lawn, statue still, looking down the steep incline to the ninth hole of the golf course.

“Miss Czolgosz,” I said in my best nonchalant tones, “I didn’t know you were a member.”

She remained perfectly still for a moment. Then she turned to face me. Her mouth worked but no sound came out. She had far too many teeth. Her face narrowed and stretched. Her shoulders hunched and swelled, and her arms seemed longer. Her fingers grew claws.

I wish I could say that it all happened too quickly for me to react. The truth is I just stood there and gaped as the creature revealed itself. It watched me with what I swear was amusement. Then with brutal speed it raked its wicked claws across my face.

I stumbled back. The magical charm around my neck pulsed. I touched my face with numb amazement and found no blood. The creature cocked its head and sniffed. Then it growled and leaped at me.

I ducked left, managing to just dodge the assault. But the thing was frighteningly fast. As it sailed past me its foot kicked out a powerful blow. I went down the hill, ass over elbow, and landed in a heap on the green. I scrambled to my feet and cast my eyes about wildly.

he thing was framed on the hilltop, sitting on its haunches. It regarded me like a cat deciding whether it was hungry or wanted to play a while longer. It still wore the little black dress and one black pump. I shuddered. It looked almost human, and that was more unsettling than a stranger shape. It growled again, and launched itself through the air, an owl descending on a mouse. But I was ready for it. Like I said, I’ve got tricks of my own, and one of them is pretty damn good.

A part of my mind left my body and rushed towards the thing. The creature huffed as it met a shadow strong as steel. My avatar bore the thing high into the sky. The creature scratched and clawed and slavered, but to no avail. My avatar is a projection of the mind, and nothing physical can harm it.

I sent my avatar as high as I could, until the bond between us felt stretched and weak. Then I changed directions and brought it down at full speed, slamming the creature into the earth. It twitched a moment, and went still. I took a cautious step towards it and froze as I heard something hit the ground behind me.

I spun around to find the stuff of nightmares. There were two more Miss Czolgoszes striding across the green. They wore identical black dresses and their faces and limbs were going through the same metamorphosis as the first one.

My instincts screamed at me to get back inside, back to the safety of light and people. But there was no knowing I’d be safe there. What if these things attacked the guests? It would be a slaughter, and it would be my fault.

I looked around quickly, making sure there were no more of the things coming. My avatar had sunk into the ground, unfazed by the impact that broke the first creature. Now I sent it through the earth towards the things loping towards me. The avatar arced up out of the ground at full speed, taking them by surprise, and hit one of the things square in the chest. It went down, and my other self began methodically punching it in the head.

The second creature kept coming. I looked around again. I was out of ideas, and there aren’t a lot of weapons lying around a golf course. I turned and ran, cutting towards the eighth hole. There was a cluster of trees between the eighth and seventh holes. Maybe I could grab a branch to hit the horrible thing with.

I’d forgotten how fast they were. I didn’t even get halfway there before it took me down in a flying tackle. I tasted sod and blood as my face hit the dirt. I lashed out ineffectually in panic, and didn’t hit it once. It flipped me over, sat on me, and raked its claws across my chest.

I cried out in fear, but not in pain. My amulet was throbbing again. The creature looked at me in puzzlement. I got in a good right hook that actually snapped its head back. It growled and wrapped its powerful hands around my throat and squeezed. My hands flailed at its face, seeking its eyes. The thing stank. My right thumb found an eye socket and jabbed. The thing howled and its grip loosened. I jabbed again and heaved, rolling us over so I was on top and drove my knee into its crotch.

I heaved myself up, kicked the writhing creature in the shin, and stumbled backwards.

“Know who taught me that?” I taunted. “Fucking Soldier Boy taught me that.” It was childish, but it made me feel good. Not as good as what was about to happen.

The thing sprang up, blood and gore trailing from its ruined eye, and paced towards me. It growled, but the noise was cut off as my avatar slammed into it from behind. It hit the dirt at my feet, the wind knocked out of it, and I spent a satisfying minute kicking its face until it wasn’t a face.

Adrift in the night sky, my avatar spied something stalking towards me. I wheeled, fists ready.

“Don’t do something stupid, Palmer,” a cool voice called. I peered into the gloom and swore. Another Czolgosz was coming across the green. But this one talked. And it was wearing a gray pantsuit instead of a little black dress. Come on Ed, put it together.

“Are you all right?” Miss Czolgosz asked. She actually sounded a little concerned.

I must have looked a sight. I was soaked in sweat, and the musk of the creatures clung to me. Blood trickled from my mouth and nose. My clothes had been neatly slashed in many places by those terrible claws. I ran my hands over the exposed skin and found no wounds.

“Your amulet protected you?” Czolgosz sniffed. “I didn’t know it could do that.” She sounded grumpy about not knowing.

“Neither did I,” I admitted.

Something moved in the corner of my eye. “Oh, come on,” I panted. Two more of the creatures stood at the edge of the green watching us.

“Are they wearing my face?” Czolgosz sniffed again. “I don’t like that.” She held up her left hand and her fingers danced in the air. She frowned, and then smiled coldly.

“I know what they are,” she said. “Oh, that’s very good. Only Redgreave uses that filth. You’re already doing a good job, Mr. Palmer.”

Her hand was still raised. She flicked it in the direction of the creatures, as if swatting a fly. And just like that, they burst into flames. The grass around them was not touched, but the hateful things melted and bubbled into foul goo.

The smell was appalling. It was a good long while before I managed to croak, “What the hell is going on?”

She looked at me and arched an eyebrow. “I’m here to collect one of the favors you owe The Broker,” she replied calmly. “Those things didn’t want you to take the job, I should think.”

“My deal isn’t with you,” I said carefully. “Why didn’t The Broker come himself?

“He’s been kidnapped. You’re going to rescue him, hero.” Without another glance in my direction she set off towards the trees. I sighed and gingerly rubbed my left flank. I was going to have a hell of a bruise tomorrow. This was all, quite literally, a pain in the ass.

I don’t know why life keeps kicking me in the ass. All I know is, someday I’m going to kick back.

I shook my head wearily and trudged after Miss Czolgosz.