McSweenys: Excerpts from the most popular selections in the superhero library

[Sociotard]

EXCERPTS FROM

THE MOST POPULAR

SELECTIONS IN THE

SUPERHERO LIBRARY.

BY G. XAVIER ROBILLARD

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Let's Go—Evil!

 

EUROPEAN DESTINATIONS—MULDERIA

 

The country of Mulderia is one of the last destinations you might consider for your worldwide tour of Evil, aside perhaps from Uzistan, which, at the time of this writing, no longer has an airport. A war-torn former Soviet socialist republic sandwiched between Romania and Ukraine, Mulderia has little industry, and would have agriculture if there were means to harvest teeming hordes of demobilized army regulars who stand on street corners and smoke cigarettes. If steely glares could be exported, this country would be rich, but as it stands it has little on its nearby European neighbor Latvia, or on the secret country of Clandestine—two of the can't-miss gems of international Evil.

 

The only notable destination in Mulderia is the castle of arch-villain and local police booster Count Loofa.

 

Surrounded by low-rise apartment buildings, Loofa's Black Castle is easily identified. Don't let the Gothic look fool you—the residence comes equipped with a modern surface-to-air-missile battery and the usual piranhas in the moat. Do not, under any circumstances, order the grilled swordfish from Terror on the Green, the house restaurant, unless you like overcooked fish or overpoisoned mango chutney.

 

 

 

Battling Recently Reawakened

Ancient Evils for Dummies

 

JACKET COPY

 

Don't be put off by how difficult this job might sound, even if you don't have a "high IQ." The truth is, people have been battling ancient evils since forever! And you don't need a doctorate from Harvard in evil-battling skills—battling ancient evils is no more difficult than being a plumber, a vice-presidential candidate, or even a quantum neurosurgeon. All you really need is gumption and this book, although it would be even easier if you also purchased the study guide on Battling Recently Reawakened Ancient Evils for Dummies, as it includes several real-life examples of regular folks who have successfully battled recently awakened evils.

 

 

 

Rand McNally's Atlas of Pirate Getaways

 

CHAPTER 1—PERMANENT GETAWAYS

OR AD-HOC HIDEOUTS?

 

Any pirate starting out has to consider her getaway island before obtaining a ship, crew, or treasure map. Though there are pirate getaways in each of the seven seas, each getaway shares typical features, so one need not worry about selecting a getaway that lacks the basic pirating needs. It is standard for pirates' hideouts to contain hidden volcanic lairs with a native species of amiable parrot that is bred not to shit on a pirate's shoulder and thin, easily dug sand for the long-term storage of treasure. The lawless pirate coast of Somalia, lacking most of these amenities, should not be chosen as a pirate getaway—some discerning buccaneers would argue that the Somali scene has been played out.

 

 

 

Flash Gordon's Superhero Handbook

 

CHAPTER 13—THE PLEA

 

The Plea is a technique taught to all superheroes, renegade cops, and attractive young doctors who wish to buck the system to do something for the good of all. You should use the Plea if you need an enormous favor: something that's illegal, outside protocol, or too complicated to explain without a half hour of expository dialogue.

 

It's a basic form of mind control, and can be mastered by most heroes. The hero doesn't even have to make any sense while employing the technique, as long as she keeps an earnest expression on her face and ends with a well-delivered "You're the only one I can trust right now" or "Your country needs you."

 

How do you know if it's working?

 

Your target will listen to the Plea. At first, he'll be skeptical, displaying a shake of the head or an eye roll, but, as you speak, his cavalier expression will morph to one of concern. He'll shake his head once more, as if to suggest that he'd like to agree but that the system would never let him get away with it. Eventually, the target's mouth will become a straight line and you'll recognize the look of grim determination.

 

"OK," he'll say. "I'll help. But you're going to owe me."

 

Note: You'll never actually owe them anything.

 

 

 

Clandestine: Its People, Culture, and Folkways

 

INTRODUCTION BY FORMER MI-5 SPYMASTER M

 

Almost nothing is known about the people of Clandestine, a country believed to be found somewhere in the Middle East. The Clandestinian people are secretive and almost never leave their beloved home, save for a onetime venture to Switzerland to make the sacred pilgrimage to the Swiss National Mechanics' Bank, often abbreviated as Mecha, so that they may set up their own secret, private, unmarked account, which they will use throughout their life. Notable citizens of Clandestine are believed to be Professor Moriarty, Keyser Söze, and the A-Team.

 

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G. Xavier Robillard's new novel, Captain Freedom: A Superhero's Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves, is available at all fine booksellers.