Balabanto Posted March 14, 2009 Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 The Massive Champions Universal Deathmatch Logo appears on the screen, with Defender in a Jar as the dot of the I, and Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond in the center! Nick's Voiceover: Pure unmitigated, relentless good, without any compromise whatsoever!!!!! Johnny: Absolute, unspeakable evil, brought to you by the artifacts of the Elder Worm! Defender in a Jar: Also without any compromise whatsoever! Nick: Stop it, or we'll remove your speaking part! Defender in a Jar: Sorry! (Sounding Sheepish) Johnny: Tonight we'll discover who has the stuff to be the moral center of the world! Will it be the pure, savage, ruthless good of Coatlicue, the Purifier? Nick: Or the unspeakable evil of The Slug, a worm monster in a humdifier suit? Johnny and Nick: Tonight! On Champions Universal Deathmatch! The Logo explodes in a massive burst of blood, gore and fireworks, and the arena goes wild! Focus in on Johnny and Nick, wearing plastic sheeting as the heap of bloody goo rains down around them, sitting in a brand new armored booth. Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Johnny: (Pulling out Defender in a Jar) And tonight, on Champions Universal Deathmatch, we'll settle the biggest of big questions! Nick: Yes! Is it better to be good, or better to be evil? Defender in a Jar: I'm rooting for the hot girl in the Aztec headdress, because rooting for a heap of mucus in a humidifier is just gross! Johnny: So you're choosing the side of good? Nick: If she's good enough to wear a tight outfit like that, she's good enough for me! Defender in a Jar: Ohh, yeah! Well, Debbie's downstairs interviewing the contestants now, so we'll be back, after our weekly Nar-cola commercial! (Focus in on a big, smiling Ape, drinking a can of Nar-Cola, and peacefully eating a banana in a jungle. He drinks it, and transforms into a massive, war-machine style battle robot ape, unleashing thousands of rounds of ammunition and destroying the landscape around him!) Nar-cola! Making you ready to face the jungle that is the world today! (Focus in on the now destroyed jungle, where the Battle Robot ape is beating it's mechanical chest, and the Nar-cola logo) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Coatilcue, The Purifier vs. The Slug!!!! Defender in a Jar: And we're back! Say, guys, why are you wearing plastic sheeting? Nick: Oh, it's no problem, Defender. We just had to shake hands with the slug, and we didn't feel like even touching him. I mean, usually Johnny's the neat freak, but even I have to draw the line somewhere, and the Slug is it! (Gets out of his plastic sheeting) Johnny: Yeah, I need to kind of struggle here. (Struggles in his plastic sheeting, finally getting it off. A maintainence crew comes and takes the sheets away.) We'll be going live to Debbie right now! Debbie: I'm here with the Slug (Focus in on the Slug, in his humidifying suit. He drips mucus and unpleasant slime)!!! Can you get me out of here, Johnny? So...uh...Slug...tell us how you're going to beat Coatlicue? (Debbie shudders in fear) Slug: I shall consume her mind the same way I am going to consume yours! (Raises a mysterious, glowing ankh and points it at her!) WHA? You're...completely mindless! Debbie: Well, I do try to get my hair done right...Back to you, Johnny! Nick: Well, that doesn't look too good for the slug! He couldn't even affect Debbie! And now Coatlicue is making her way over to Debbie. This should be interesting. Debbie: I'm here with Coatlicue now, and she's looking fantastic in a brand new headdress and her purification amulet! Are those Prada heels? Coatlicue: Well, since I'm relentlessly good, I only shop at the best stores! (Flashes the crowd a winning smile!) Don't worry, this won't take but a minute! I'll mop that slug up in no time, and then you'll all be completely purged of wickedness. (Her eyes turn into a demanding leer as she spins and shows off her gorgeous, toned body in a bikini and a massive aztec headdress) Debbie: Wow, what a fashion statement! Are you guys getting this? Defender in a Jar: (Drools) Nick: (Drools) Johnny: I think so, Debbie! Debbie? Interview? Coatlicue: Well, it's time for me to get into the ring and get rid of this little ball of mucus for good, so bye, Debbie! I'll see you after the show! We can talk about shoes and other girly stuff....(Giggles, a little forcefully) Defender: Do you think Coatlicue's a... Nick: I don't think she's a lesbian! Johnny: Are you kidding? I think she might lose all her powers if she isn't a virgin or something like that! She's just that ruthlessly good! We'll be back with the introductions in the ring right after this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Coatilcue, The Purifier vs. The Slug!!!! Johnny: And we're back! Looks like both contestants are in the ring, Defender, so it's time for some more basic introductions! Coatlicue, staring at the Slug: By the blind eyes of the smoking mirror! You're even more disgusting than they say! And they say a lot! Slug: Soon your mind will belong to me! Then I will be able to bring my dark masters here, and crush your pitiful world in my clutches! (Mucus sprays against the front of his humidifier suit as he clenches his fist) (Mutual Hateful Stares) Defender: It's really amazing! They're staring each other down like they can't stop hating each other! Nick: That's because they really can't stop hating each other, Defender! It's completely impossible! So, let's introduce our referee for this match, the indestructible, Doctor Silverback armed badass of badasses...! Johnny: You know him! You love him! Defender in a Jar: He's... JUDGE MILLS LANE! Judge Mills Lane shoots a grapple line from up near the ceiling and swings down, with a massive apelike swing as he crashes into the center of the ring. Judge Lane: All right, you two. Let's go over the rules really quickly! There aren't any! Now, if there's anything else you want to say before the match starts? Coatlicue: I can't believe you made me fight an opponent who bathes in mucus! Even Peacemonger didn't have to deal with that! Slug: Your disgusting overrighteousness has earned you the right to drown in my oozing clutches! Coatilicue: I can't believe this! You're actually obsessed with your own mucus! Slug (Giving a noxious wink): If you've got it, baby, flaunt it! When I'm through with your mind, I'll make you my woman! Coatilicue: VIOLATOR! You will DIE A THOUSAND TIMES IN JUST ONE DEATH! Judge Lane (Raising his ape arm!): That's enough for me! You know these words and love them, people, so LET'S GET IT ON! Phase 12 Johnny: Well, Nick! That was certainly an auspicious opening! (Coatlicue raises her hands and launches a massive blast of wind at the Slug, which slams into him with a dull roar and knocks him off his feet) Coatlicue: Keep away from me, you disgusting, horrible thing! The pit that spawned you will reconsume you shortly! (The Slug sails out of the ring and lands in the crowd with a wet, sticky thud!) Slug: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (SPLAT! The Slug lands in a heap in the crowd and struggles to his feet) Nick: And an inauspicious landing! Slug: Now, I will drain your mind and make you my servant! You will breed thousands of glorious worm babies in my hot house, and you will serve only the Elder Worm! (Slug raises his Ankh and it shimmers with a weird, eerie light, pointing it at Coatlicue!) Coatlicue: AGGGH! (Clutches her head as the headdress shudders a little bit) Wh...what are you doing to me? Defender: Oh, please let her stay a bimbo! Debbie needs a friend! She's lonely! Post 12 Recovery Phase 2 Coatlicue: I'm not letting you do that again! (Coatlicue leaps into the crowd and launches a fearsome blast of fire at Slug as the hideous creature tries to escape) Nick: It looks like she's chasing him into the crowd, Johnny! Oh, this is going to get bloody! Slug: NO! Must stay moist so you can give me mucus babies! (Slug Dodges as the roaring blast of fire comes in. The blast misses, tearing up the crowd, who scream, dive for cover, and burn) Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Dead audience members tickets will be resold at intermission! Nick: Looks like Coatlicue has Slug on the defensive! Johnny: There's nothing defensible about him! He's a gooey, disgusting slug monster from beyond! Phase 4 Slug: Now you will face the glorious power of the Elder Worm, coursing through your frame, burning through your flesh, searing into your very soul! I shall enjoy enslaving your body to my will! (Slug raises the Ankh and the Worm gem on his forehead glows, blasting into Coatlicue as the reddish, horrid light fades) Coatlicue: That's funny. I don't feel any different. You...don't like fire, do you? (She gets a particularly unpleasant grin on her face) So...tell me, is being salted any different from caramelization? (Coatlicue fires another burst of fire, right into the crowd, which destroys a Nar-Cola stand as the Slug nimbly slips aside) Johnny: Whoa! That's our fifth vendor this season, Nick! Do you think we'll have any sponsors left? Nick: Sponsors? Yes! Cheap immigrant labor? Well, those guys are getting killed left and right! Say, Johnny, you don't think it's a conspiracy, do you? Defender in a Jar: I do! Phase 6 Coatlicue regains the advantage as she keeps walking forward towards Slug. The crowd appears to be getting out of the way as her hands charge up with another blast of fire. Coatlicue: You can't dodge forever, Slug! She grins a little bit as she opens up her hands and draws back to fire another bolt of fire, but a massive earthen fist rips up through the floor of the arena and tries to grab him instead. Slug: Heh! You'll never succeed...wha? (Dodges the Fire Blast, but is surprised by the rising fist of earth, which grabs him!) NO! I'm helpless! I can't get out! Curse you, tongued one! Johnny: Tongued one? Nick: Does that mean what I think it means? Defender: I think it means she's a lesbian! Johnny: This could be it for Slug! We'll find out when we come back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Coatilcue, The Purifier vs. The Slug!!!! Phase 8 Slug: Though I am imprisoned in your fist of earth, I am certain that your mind is not nearly as powerful as you imagine. Now, I shall free myself while your paralyzed form transforms into a much more delectable shape! Coatlicue: Don't be ridiculous, it didn't work befo...HKKT Nick: Oh, my god, they're both paralyzed! Neither of them can move! What's going to happen now? This could be extremely boring! Coatlicue: (Drooling and spitting in terror) NNGHG...HLLLKT... (Breathing hard) Slug: Now, my soon to be worm beauty, you shall experience the joy of transformation! Phase 10 Coatlicue: (Spitting and coughing as she clutches her head, freeing herself from Slug's paralyzing thoughts.) What did you do to me? All I could see and think about was spawning a new race of...YOU MUST DIE, YOU DISGUSTING UNNATURAL BEAST! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR HEART AND SACRIFICE IT! THE GODS WILL BE APPEASED! (Coatlicue's hands lift up, and massive blast of roaring fire hurtles towards the Slug) Nick: Looks like Coatlicue's not such a helpless bimbo, eh, Johnny Defender Jar: I like her already! Johnny: You like anything that moves, Defender! Slug: (Unable to dodge) AAAAAAAAAAAAA! FIRE! NOOOOO! DRYING OUT! (Sobbing whine) (The Earth cracks, blisters and explodes, and the Slug is hurled backwards into the remains of the Nar-cola vendor) Slug: (Slug stands up, and dusts himself off) Now you will feel the wrath of the Elder Worm. There is no way you can do that twice! I will prevail, and then you, tongued one, will burn only with desire for me. Coatlicue: Stop calling me that! (Winces as the images pour back into her mind, but she shrugs it off) If you still HAD a tongue, I'd cut it out and feed it to you! Phase 12 Nick: This is getting nasty! Coatlicue: I'm going to make certain that no one ever suffers your horrid thoughts again! I'm going to burn them right out of your mind! Slug: No..not more fire...please...no...I'll only mate with other slugs! I'll salt myself! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (There is a horrible roar as the Slug's suit cracks open, and the searing energy slams into the Slug, hurling him up into the scoreboard) Judge Mills Lane: Ouch! I'll allow it! (There is a searing bubbling hiss from the scoreboard, and some wet disgusting pops.) Johnny: I can smell the burning mucus from here! It looks like this is it for Slug! Post 12 Recovery Phase 2 Coatlicue leaps to the top of the Scoreboard and charges up her fiery hands, aiming down at the leaking, pulping form of Slug, embedded in the electronics below. Coatlicue: And this is for trying to mate with me! You disgusting heathen! (There is a horrid, wrenching roar as the Scoreboard disconnects and crashes down into the ring with a smash. There is a horrid electrical zark, and the burning, twisting form of the Slug is seen through the lights of the Scoreboard, burning and electrocuted to death. Then there's a wet bursting pop, and mucus sprays over everything in the ring) Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Oh, god, that's disgusting! I'm covered in mucus! Coatlicue: My heels! I can't believe this! They were three thousand dollars! Oh....my god, I feel so violated! Judge Mills Lane: The winner, and still the mightiest god of Central America...Coatlicue! (Focus in on Johnny and Nick, barely visible through the armored booth that's covered with mucus) Johnny: Well, that's it for this week! I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender in a Jar: Mggph...Hkkt...Mucus...covering me...can't see...need to be washed off... Johnny and Nick: Saying Good Fight! And Good Night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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