QUARK

BUMP!!!!!

Dear Highlord Brothers, Being the evil brother of QUACK, I fully empathize with your situation. Personally, I say why get bogged down with who's the good twin and who's the evil twin when you can BOTH be evil (it's a shame QUACK wouldn't hear me out on that point, I believe we would have made a great team). What the Hell, it worked for Tomax and Xamot. Bad Probability,

Dear Kosmic Krusher, If it's a new source of villain supplies you're looking for Uncle Lou has recently started a little side business that might interest you. He tells me he can get you virtualy anything your villainous heart desires...for a price. Bad Probability,

Dear Blue, Changing light bulbs is beneath a master villain's dignity, that's why we surround ourselves with all these slack-jawed flunkies. Bad Probability,

Bump!!!

Dear Overlord, Try taking a shower. Bad Probability,

Dear Bookworm, There is no way to tell someone that, so go ahead and do it and don't worry about his "feelings." Better still, consider purchasing a Zombification kit from: http://www.villainsupply.com Bad Probability,

Dear Dr. Typhus, Uncle Lou has many contacts in the music industry, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you get your foot in the door if you'll send him a demo tape. Bad Probability,

Dear Rage, Try the next big comicbook convention in your area, I sure you'll find many good potential sidekicks among the convention goers. Bad Probability,

BUMP!

Dear Kosmic Krusher, It is indeed hard to find good help these days. Two solutions to your personnel problems come to mind: [*]Look into replacing those willful, cowardy, and generally incompetent henchpersons with stalward, ever-faithful robots. [*]Purchase a zombification kit or two from http://www.villainsupply.com [/list=1] Bad Probability,

Re: Business arrangement Dear Patriot, Sales of SSM subscriber lists is really Uncle Lou's department, so I will pass on your message to him for consideration. As a rule though, we only sell subscriber information to F.O.E. (Fiendish Order of Evil) and similar groups, unless a subscriber expressly requests not to be on any mailing lists. Bad Probability,

Dear Duke, Attacking this costumed avenger's familiy is something I strongly advise you against. While some may tell you that going after the wife and kid is a good "psychological warfare tactic," I must warn you that doing thus will only backfire BIG TIME. To paraphrase Machievelli, If you make things personal the gloves come off. All of a sudden, an enemy who would have been content to see you tossed in a jail cell (which your lawyers can get you out of) will be out to send you on the redeye express to Hades (which all the lawyers in the universe could never save you from). If you must act on the the info you've acquired, I advise you to just frame him in civillian ID- something that will put him away for a long time. Bad Probability,

(Electronic Sigh) If I must, then I must... BUMP!!! Bad Probability,

Re: Shocking Hair Treatment Dear Inazuma, I haven't had much experience with hair problems (as a machine, I don't even have hair), but I believe there may be an ancient chinese gentleman in San Fransico who can help you. You'll find his shop a couple of doors down from the Imperial Dragon Chinese Resteraunt. Good Luck. Bad Probability,

Dear Doc, The easiest way to solve your current problem is to grab some Joe-Nobody off the street, drug him, surgically alter him to look like you, dress him in one of your spare costumes, and stake him out where Mr. Big and Dumb is sure to find him. Hide nearby with a video camera, record the incident, and secretly mail the tape to his girlfriend and the local PRIMUS office. Her horror at seeing what he did should bring their relationship to a quick end, and if he kills "you" in cold blood he could even get the death penalty. Bad Probability,

Dear Kosmic Krusher, Yes, you should take precautions. Patriot was on our subscriber list when the mole stole it, so it's a safe bet he's got a bogus Swimsuit Issue of his own to use against you. I suggest you and your henchmen train to fight with your eyes closed. Bad Probability,

A message from Uncle Lou:

Dear Mr. Adams, I gratifies me to hear your prospects are looking up. Bad Probability,

Re: Subscriber Dear Patriot, Enjoy your subscription. Bad Probability,

Dear Mr. Adams, The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors. Bad Probability,

Dear Unsatisfied, Unfortunately you have fallen prey to a scam by our most bitter rival, Super Sleaze Weekly. The SSM Swimsuit issue features Saphire, Witchcraft, and Lady Vice (Formerly Lady Virtue). I will talk to Uncle Lou about rectifying this injustice. Bad Probability,

Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers! The repairs to SSM's corporate headquarters are complete and the annual swimsuit issue is on the stands on schedule. I've settled back into my office and am prepared to answer your letters. I'll start off with one I didn't have time to answer when we were at the undisclosed secondary HQ: Dear Big City Bishonen, One of the hard realities of the vill- er, benevolent dictator racket is that world conquest is damned near impossible to achive on a shoestring budget. Where you stand now, you should make your number one priority acquiring some source of revenue that doesn't envolve holding the world for ransom with a doomsday device (which you probably can't afford anyway). Consider starting a Television Evangelist Ministry; not only is it a good way to effortlessly rake in the cash, but you will soon have a cult of fanatically devoted minions numbering in the millions. Bad Probability,