Houston GM

Quotes from Owlcon, part 2
 
Champions 3rd Edition "School Holiday"
 
Some supervillains and mercenaries took over a local junior high school. Strike Force was called in to rescue the students and faculty.
 
GM: Theron
 
Strike Force roster
Phosphene: teleporting martial artist
Lightrune: flying brick, can manifest an energy sword
Plasma Ranger: energy projector
Shadow Walker: ninja
La Panthere: enhanced human martial artist
Sammael: shapeshifter with 4 distinct forms (monkey, hawk, gorilla, allosaurus), uses a neural whip
 
While players were picking their characters...
Player: So, Night Walker is kind of like a ninja?
GM: No. He's exactly like a ninja.
 
Plasma Ranger jammed the mercenaries' radios.
Phosphene: "They're playing your song."
 
Sammael: (switching to gorilla form) "I'm a gorilla with boobies."
Phosphene: "I need to scrub my brain with bleach."
 
Strike Force quickly dispatched the mercenaries guarding the larger group of students and teachers. A smaller group of students and teachers was being held in the basement cafeteria by the supervillains and more mercenaries.
 
Supervillain roster
Denier: demon, leader
Briareus: 4-armed brick, unintelligent construct
Flare: fire projector
Sliver: martial artist, also used flechettes
Scanner: mentalist
 
As Phosphene teleported the members of Strike Force into the cafeteria's kitchen, the supervillains began to suspect that something was going wrong.
Flare: "Sliver, Briareus: go check out the gym. There's a problem upstairs."
Lightrune: (yelling from the kitchen) "No there's not."
 
Denier: "Impudent mortals! You will pay for this!"
Plasma Ranger: "Do you take credit?"
 
Sammael, back in gorilla form, slashed Denier with her whip. Then she turned to the mercenaries and made an exceedingly lewd gesture.
Sammael: "Who else wants a piece of this?"
Phosphene: "I need to scrub my brain with bleach ... again."
 
Lightrune slammed his fist down onto Sliver, knocking her out and cratering the floor beneath her.
Phosphene: "You knocked her into the sub-basement."
Night Walker: "There is no sub-basement."
Phosphene: "There is now."
 
 
Night Walker's player had forgotten to take his ADHD meds ... and talked non-stop.
Sammael (ooc): "You're the noisiest ninja I've ever met."

Quotes from Owlcon - part I
 
Pulp Hero "The Fiendish Plan of Dr. Mephisto"
 
The Sentinels of Justice investigated the mysterious disappearance of a skyscraper.
 
GM: Theron
Dirk Morgan: a newspaper editor
Huan Ju Morgan: Dirk's Chinese adopted sister, a martial artist
Dr. Diogenes Sinclair: a jungle doctor
"Pat" Garrett: an Arizona cowgirl
Jeremiah "Sparks" McGee: a mad scientist
Eugene Bullard: a black American fighter pilot who fought in French Foreign Legion during the Great War
The Amazing Bosco Patterson: an acrobat and brawler
 
A 27 story skyscraper was under construction. Then it disappeared. All that remained was the foundation.
Dirk: "I could have sworn that I parked it right here."
 
Elmo, a homeless man, was the only witness.
Bosco: (to Elmo) "There's a drink in it for you."
Elmo: (slurring) "I don't touch the stuff."
Bosco: "You don't touch it ... but you will drink it."
 
The Sentinels of Justice were attacked by a group of mooks.
Huan Ju: (catching a mook's fist in her hand) "Denied."
 
Pat tried to climb a fire escape to reach a gunman. The fire escape wouldn't lower, which left her hanging from the bottom rung.
Pat: "Could you give me a boost?"
Sparks threw his wrench at the mechanism, freeing it and allowing the fire escape to deploy.
Sparks: "I used my science."
 
The Sentinels of Justice tracked Dr. Mephisto down to his dirigible. While Eugene flew the plane, the rest parachuted onto the top of the dirigible, then climbed down through the superstructure. When they were attacked by mooks, Pat lassoed one of them and pulled him so he was dangling by one leg.
Dr. Sinclair: Piñata time.
 
While the rest of the team climbed down through the superstructure, Eugene discovered that the dirigible had a "trapeze": a mechanism which allowed it to deploy and retrieve a small fighter plane. The Sentinels' seaplane had a hook, allowing it to make use of the trapeze. Even though the seaplane was too large for this trapeze, Eugene managed to catch the seaplane's hook on the trapeze, wedge the seaplane up into the dirigible's hangar, climb out of the seaplane, fight off two mooks and sneak onto the dirigible.
 
Eugene coincidentally entered the dirigible just as the rest of the group climbed down out of the superstructure.
Dr. Sinclair: (to Eugene) "It took you long enough."
Eugene: "I had a hard time finding a place to park."
Bosco: "Parking is hell in New York."
Eugene: "I nearly got towed."

Quotes from Owlcon - part I
 
Pulp Hero "The Fiendish Plan of Dr. Mephisto"
 
The Sentinels of Justice investigated the mysterious disappearance of a skyscraper.
 
GM: Theron
Dirk Morgan: a newspaper editor
Huan Ju Morgan: Dirk's Chinese adopted sister, a martial artist
Dr. Diogenes Sinclair: a jungle doctor
"Pat" Garrett: an Arizona cowgirl
Jeremiah "Sparks" McGee: a mad scientist
Eugene Bullard: a black American fighter pilot who fought in French Foreign Legion during the Great War
The Amazing Bosco Patterson: an acrobat and brawler
 
A 27 story skyscraper was under construction. Then it disappeared. All that remained was the foundation.
Dirk: "I could have sworn that I parked it right here."
 
Elmo, a homeless man, was the only witness.
Bosco: (to Elmo) "There's a drink in it for you."
Elmo: (slurring) "I don't touch the stuff."
Bosco: "You don't touch it ... but you will drink it."
 
The Sentinels of Justice were attacked by a group of mooks.
Huan Ju: (catching a mook's fist in her hand) "Denied."
 
Pat tried to climb a fire escape to reach a gunman. The fire escape wouldn't lower, which left her hanging from the bottom rung.
Pat: "Could you give me a boost?"
Sparks threw his wrench at the mechanism, freeing it and allowing the fire escape to deploy.
Sparks: "I used my science."
 
The Sentinels of Justice tracked Dr. Mephisto down to his dirigible. While Eugene flew the plane, the rest parachuted onto the top of the dirigible, then climbed down through the superstructure. When they were attacked by mooks, Pat lassoed one of them and pulled him so he was dangling by one leg.
Dr. Sinclair: Piñata time.
 
While the rest of the team climbed down through the superstructure, Eugene discovered that the dirigible had a "trapeze": a mechanism which allowed it to deploy and retrieve a small fighter plane. The Sentinels' seaplane had a hook, allowing it to make use of the trapeze. Even though the seaplane was too large for this trapeze, Eugene managed to catch the seaplane's hook on the trapeze, wedge the seaplane up into the dirigible's hangar, climb out of the seaplane, fight off two mooks and sneak onto the dirigible.
 
Eugene coincidentally entered the dirigible just as the rest of the group climbed down out of the superstructure.
Dr. Sinclair: (to Eugene) "It took you long enough."
Eugene: "I had a hard time finding a place to park."
Bosco: "Parking is hell in New York."
Eugene: "I nearly got towed."

Quotes from Owlcon - part I
 
Pulp Hero "The Fiendish Plan of Dr. Mephisto"
 
The Sentinels of Justice investigated the mysterious disappearance of a skyscraper.
 
GM: Theron
Dirk Morgan: a newspaper editor
Huan Ju Morgan: Dirk's Chinese adopted sister, a martial artist
Dr. Diogenes Sinclair: a jungle doctor
"Pat" Garrett: an Arizona cowgirl
Jeremiah "Sparks" McGee: a mad scientist
Eugene Bullard: a black American fighter pilot who fought in French Foreign Legion during the Great War
The Amazing Bosco Patterson: an acrobat and brawler
 
A 27 story skyscraper was under construction. Then it disappeared. All that remained was the foundation.
Dirk: "I could have sworn that I parked it right here."
 
Elmo, a homeless man, was the only witness.
Bosco: (to Elmo) "There's a drink in it for you."
Elmo: (slurring) "I don't touch the stuff."
Bosco: "You don't touch it ... but you will drink it."
 
The Sentinels of Justice were attacked by a group of mooks.
Huan Ju: (catching a mook's fist in her hand) "Denied."
 
Pat tried to climb a fire escape to reach a gunman. The fire escape wouldn't lower, which left her hanging from the bottom rung.
Pat: "Could you give me a boost?"
Sparks threw his wrench at the mechanism, freeing it and allowing the fire escape to deploy.
Sparks: "I used my science."
 
The Sentinels of Justice tracked Dr. Mephisto down to his dirigible. While Eugene flew the plane, the rest parachuted onto the top of the dirigible, then climbed down through the superstructure. When they were attacked by mooks, Pat lassoed one of them and pulled him so he was dangling by one leg.
Dr. Sinclair: Piñata time.
 
While the rest of the team climbed down through the superstructure, Eugene discovered that the dirigible had a "trapeze": a mechanism which allowed it to deploy and retrieve a small fighter plane. The Sentinels' seaplane had a hook, allowing it to make use of the trapeze. Even though the seaplane was too large for this trapeze, Eugene managed to catch the seaplane's hook on the trapeze, wedge the seaplane up into the dirigible's hangar, climb out of the seaplane, fight off two mooks and sneak onto the dirigible.
 
Eugene coincidentally entered the dirigible just as the rest of the group climbed down out of the superstructure.
Dr. Sinclair: (to Eugene) "It took you long enough."
Eugene: "I had a hard time finding a place to park."
Bosco: "Parking is hell in New York."
Eugene: "I nearly got towed."

Celebrating the successful dreamchip run with a dinner party at Felix and Inkubus' apartment

Greenlight: My mother was really big on Natural foods. But it's taken three years on nutrasoy for me to really appreciate her cooking.

Felix: hmm. Nutrasoy autocorrects to Nut Raspy
Greenlight: I don't think I've been eating that for three years

But what should be on the menu? A garden salad from the hydroponic garden, crumbed real pork cutlets for the main course, and so on.

Felix: We'll hit that grocery.
Inkubus: No.
Felix: Not in a criminal sense!

Felix: Something simple for dessert...
Inkubus: Strawberry mousse with whipped cream?
Felix: I think I saw some nutmeg at the store.

The drinks with each course are an important consideration, too. Inkubus selects one of his favorites - an import from one of the Elf nations, that's 500 NuYen a bottle.

Felix: The wine locker has a better lock than the apartment.

Indeed it does. Including palm-print recognition, and a level four maglock.

Warhammer: What do you do when you get drunk?
Felix: You do not get drunk on this wine.
Inkubus: This is for special occasions - if I want to get drunk I go out.

Felix: I do wonder what will happen the first time someone breaks in here and sees all the security is on the wine locker.

A wild job offer appears! Apparently some band are trying to run out on their recording contract. The company want them and their album back. This sounds like an ideal job for Inkubus, given his links to Seattle's entertainment scene. The Johnson wants to meet us at a stripper bar.

Felix: The Pink Pitbull?
Inkubus: Is that the one where I have to wear a chain and padlock as a belt?

Greenlight: I was hoping somebody would know the club.
Felix: Why is everybody looking at me?

Inkubus: I think the rest of the party might like some warning if it's a male strip joint.
GM: They're women
Inkubus: OK
Titus: But they're all trolls.

Inkubus eyes the almost pornographic neon displays outside, and tries to resist temptation, just like he tries to resist everything else.

Warhammer: Just walk it off, dude.
Inkubus: Hey, I've NEVER had to pay for it.

Inkubus: I don't think you can use Orgasm on yourself
Felix: If you could, you'll never go out
Inkubus: True

The decor at the Pink Pitbull leaves something to be desired

Greenlight: Jesus Christ, this is like the shattered dreams of a 50 year-old Barbie

Greenlight: I thought we were retrieving property, not people
Titus: You honestly think the corps make any distinction?

Staking out the private recording studio where the band are believed to be working,opposite a mall.

Inkubus: Redmond Morgue?
GM: Mall.
Inkubus: Ah, not morgue then.
Greenlight: Depends on the day.

Inkubus: It'll be just our luck that they're a former Shadowrun team.
Felix: Thank you for that exercise in pessimism

Felix: I'm fascinated to see just how badly this can go wrong. There's a certain morbid curiosity.
Warhammer: That's why I came along

The band are indeed there - and proceed to leave in four different directions. And we only had one radio tracking bug. We hurriedly split up in pursuit. Titus gets sent after Bambi, the band's troll drummer.

Warhammer: Troll on troll.
Felix: You might want to rephrase that.
Inkubus: People will pay a lot of money to see that. Ever had a troll roll? I recommend it.

At least we managed to track some of them home to their shops and apartments. Unfortunately, some of us also get spotted. By a bizarre coincidence, the band's lead singer lives only a few blocks away from Inkubus and Felix. This suggests a new ploy - rather than drag them back to their corporate masters, persuade them.

Titus: Fetch the charisma stick!
Greenlight: Hoist the Charisma Beam! Free hookers and beer here!
Warhammer: Hwah? Where's that beam?

Greenlight: 'I have pointed ears, therefore I have charisma.'
Felix: Just ask Spock.
Greenlight: *turns Vulcan salute into a one-fingered salute*

Inkubus turns up at Whispering Wind's door, with a bottle of extremely expensive booze, to talk to the young woman about independent recording contracts and promotional opportunities. While he's there, however, Bambi calls up with a somewhat frantic tale about how they were tailed back to their shop by Titus. W.W. naturally assumes Inkubus is part of the snatch team, and rolls a concussion grenade under his chair. Lurking on the street, the youth Greenlight hears the explosion and comes running.

Greenlight: That was quick. It usually takes longer than this.
Felix: And the worst thing? It'll shatter the bottle.

Greenlight: Are you alright in there? We heard a loud banging!
Felix: *snrk*

Inkubus modifies the plan on the fly - if they can't be persuaded, perhaps they can be scared back into the fold. He plays stunned but innocent. Greenlight, outside the door, might be one of the snatch team! Inkubus proceeds to scare Whispering Wind with stories about how scary shadowrunners can be - after all, he has material to work from.

Inkubus: Did you say somebody was trying to kidnap you? Do you think that might be one of them?

Felix: 'Those guys are all crazy! They'll stop at nothing! I heard they kidnapped some Hoillywood exec's girlfriend right from his yacht!'

Inkubus: That grenade was supposed to stop a shadowrunner? It didn't even stop me!

Titus: 'They could be anywhere! Shadowrunners are like ninjas!'
Warhammer: 'Except for the troll'

Inkubus: You need a safehouse - somewhere completely unconnected to you. Hey! I live a few blocks away! Just a minute, I'll need to call my flatmate and clear it with him.
Titus OoC: Beware a social character doing his job.

Felix: He's just talked them into hiding out at our apartment
Warhammer: .... F**k, he can spin some shit, can't he? That's why I do the shooting and he does the talking.

Greenlight dresses like a villain from one of the Shadowrun movies, and follows Inkubus and Whispering Wind down the street, until they 'lose' him. Of course, once the entire band has been gathered at the apartment, there's a chance of blowback if they ever do find out how they're been conned. Text messages are hurriedly exchanged. Warhammer, Felix, and Inkubus will be babysitting the band. Titus and Greenlight wait to launch their attack. Warhammer and Inkubus do their best to make the band rethink going independent, while Felix plays the sceptic.

Inkubus: I'll convince them it's our safe house - what sort of idiot would take you to their actual home?

Inkubus: You need to have more faith in me.
Greenlight: I heard an explosion!
Inkubus: If I need help I'll scream
Warhammer: You have to admit a grenade probably meant trouble 'Where the fuck did that come from?!'
Greenlight: 'That escalated quickly'

Inkubus: You know that gangwar? I heard Shadowrunners started that, just to get one guy.
Felix: Yeah, right. *rolls eyes*
Warhammer: Some of my ex-military buddies say there's been a lot of runner activity in the neighbourhood
Felix: Oh, not you too.

Felix: What tail? You were probably imagining things.
Inkubus: Yeah? Seeing the same troll in two places! Explain that!
Felix: How would you tell them apart?
Inkubus: ....
Felix: Sorry.
Inkubus: Excuse my friend, he's from down south.

Warhammer: The important thing is that you lost the tail.
*doorbell rings*
Felix: I'll get it.
Warhammer: Shouldn't you check the security cam first?
Felix: Why? It's probably the grocery boy anyway.
Inkubus: Oh no... Felix... I'm so sorry
Titus: *kicks door in*

Inkubus casts a mass Orgasm Spell while the band panics. Felix hits the floor, pretending to be affected, and Warhammer blazes away with automatic gel-round fire, which sounds very impressive, but is unlikely to actually hurt or even hit anybody. It still does, however.

Inkubus: You're not supposed to be *successfully* defending them
Greenlight: 'Sorry, I don't practise missing people'

Bambi grabs for his own weapon, in blind panic, and manages to empty the clip into the ceiling. Felix, hiding behind the furniture, bites his tongue and manages to choke down his fury at the property damage to his home.

Felix: Maybe we can spin this into a rent reduction

Titus 'punches Warhammer out', and Greenlight steps in, surveying the screaming, twitching bandmembers and hefting his own weapons.

Greenlight: Nice hit, Akuma. Are you going to come quietly?
Bambi: *still pulling the trigger of the empty gun* Click click click!
Greenlight: Thought so. *charges with shock-maul and gel-pistol*

Inkubus attempts to 'rescue' Whispering Wind

Inkubus: Come on! I'll get you out of here! *stunbolt*

Titus: Right, you lot. You have a choice. Stun-rod or Tranq Patch

Band unconscious and terrified out of their wits, the team considers their next move. Truck them across to Titus' hide-out, for a start. Inkubus magically interrogates the band for the whereabouts of the finished album - apparently they've hidden it in a book - and Felix suggests using the spell Catalogue to locate it, at each of the bandmember's apartments.

Inkubus: I knew I kept you around for something. More than your share of the rent.

Inkubus wants to stay with the band, still pretending to be a helpful bystander caught up in the mess.

Inkubus: You're going to have to rough me up.
Greenlight: *Gestures Inkubus closer, cracks knuckles.... and gets out the make-up kit.*

But what to tell the cops, if they show up?

Inkubus: I'll tell them a version of the truth. I was entertaining a young woman, and a troll burst in, shot up the roof...
Greenlight: ... Burst into tears...
Inkubus: ... And left.

Starcops: And what did this troll look like, sir?
Inkubus: Big!
Titus: Same problem the cops have every time they need to ID a troll

Starcops: And the young woman?
Inkubus: I'll give them a good description - that's an amalgamation of my last three dates.

Felix: Congratulations on that masterpiece of theatre.
Titus: What if they ever come to see you afterwards, and we're all here?
Inkubus: 'Ooh, this is awkward. Hi! I'm a bastard.'

That's what I call a Presence attack.
 
The team rescued the hostages from Mechanon's minions, and Dr. Callahan, the superscientist, disarmed the Vortex Bomb (a refridgerator-sized device that would create a large implosion).
 
Dr. Callahan wanted to study the Vortex Bomb in his lab, so Midas and The Count, the team bricks, were carrying the Vortex Bomb back to Dr. Callahan's extra-dimensional vehicle....
 
Dr. Callahan: "We need to get away from these people. I don't want anyone to get a close look at my vehicle."
 
Midas: "We could wait until the police escort them away."
 
Dr. Callahan: "I want to get the bomb loaded before the police sieze it as evidence."
 
The Count: "I could get everyone to back off."
 
Dr. Callahan (cautiously): "Don't do anything rash."
 
The Count (loudly, to the crowd): "Please stand back. This bomb is heavy, and my arms are getting tired."
 
 
After they'd loaded the Vortex Bomb and were driving away....
 
Dr. Callahan: "You know, the bomb wouldn't have gone off if you'd dropped it."
 
The Count: "My arms weren't getting tired either."

Cassius has certain views about his subordinates, the other PCs. But Cog is a puzzle.

Cassius: Jrska, the Degenerate. Aladar the Fop, Rold the Attack Dog, Batholomeas the Dandy, and then there's you, Cog. I don't have anything for you. You're just around, doing your job.

Cog has been thinking about inventive applications of his medical know-how. In particular, biological warfare. With the aid of Nurgle, Chaos god of plague and decay, he should be able to come up with some really interesting pandemics.

Jrska: I'll help you with the rituals - I'll dress as a sexy nurse.

But on with the situation in Surgub, on Q'sal, where the rulers are busy and the lesser sorcerers are plotting. One of them has hired us to kill a rival. Even if this wasn't a planet dedicated to Tzeench, God of Change, this is an obvious set-up for a double-cross, and it only waits to see how many layers can be added to the plot.

Jrska: I'm certain there's a quadruple-cross planned, at least.
Cog: We'll probably find out they're working together to have us killed.
Jrska: How much do you want to bet the Stylite wants us to kill somebody else, and THEY want us to kill the Artifex?

And of course, there's the new PC 'Bartholomeas Jones' who claims to be on the run from his own marine chapter. We don't believe this, but will play along for now.

Jrska: Let's keep him at arm's length - Rold's arm length, preferably holding that soul-eating daemonsword of his.

Jrska: Think the Stylite will hire us to kill the Artifex, or just kill us?
Cassius: Flip a coin, basically.
Cog: It'll land on its side, given where we are.
Jrska: Or turn into a banana.

Perhaps we can find a way to complete the exact wording of the contract, if not the spirit.

Jrska: They do call an orgasm a little death... Maybe if i give the Stylite lots of orgasms?
Aladar: You'd need at least a thousand. You couldn't do it in the time we have left.
Jrska: I take that bet!

And of course there's the matter of the murder weapon, a daemon-sword crafted by the Artifex. None of us are willing to carry it, since daemon-weapons are notorious for seizing control of their bearers, and half of us already have other weapons that would get jealous.

Jrska: We'll let Aladar carry it - he's obviously incompetent, no-one will believe he's a threat.

Of course, we're debating all this in front of the Stylite's servant. No point trying to conceal it in a city of sorcerers, so talking openly at least lets them wonder if it's a triple or quadruple bluff. And Cassius and no doubt the Stylite have been scrying the permutations of the future anyway.

Jrska: You got any input on this?
Cassius: 'Here, carry this weapon that's been programmed to kill your master. Tell him it's a gift.'
GM: The servant's mouth is sewn up. It wasn't before.
Jrska: Silver wire sprouted from his lips.
GM: Q'sal is good for retconning things like that.

One of the city guards 'accidentally' drops a message from the Fourteen Factors - they want BOTH the Artifex and the Stylite dead.

Jrska: Quadruple betrayal then. But the big question is will the Factors let us get away alive afterwards?
Cassius: I'm wondering that myself.

Cassius' divinations revealed that the Stylite's disciples are the biggest complicating factor in whatever is about to go down. The Stylite doesn't seem to like them much either, as he screams and rants at the crowd of fiercely debating acolytes milling around far below his floating platform.

The Stylite: Why don't you all just fuck off!
Disciple: But what does he actually mean by that?
The Stylite: Get off my lawn!

There are a few more genuinely cryptic utterances collected and endlessly analysed by the crowd.

The Stylite: The black moon rises!
Jrska: 'Beware the Ides of Banana.'

We also find out what the Stylite used the hologenerator for - he's made his tower invisible, to discourage visitors. What now? And how to deal with the Stylite, if it does come to combat? Cog suggests we acquire a Pariah from somewhere, to cancel out the sorcerer's magic. Slight problem with that plan - those psychic untouchables are anathema to all psykers.

Cassius: You bring a pariah anywhere NEAR me and I will find WAYS, I will invent whole new fields of torture, just for you.

Jrska distracts the crowd, climbing up to straddle Rold's shoulders and address the multitude.

Jrska: He should be glad we're both facing in the same direction.

Cassius, Aladar and Cog sidle past towards the invisible tower. Jrska takes advantage of the somewhat ridiculous Khornate crest on Rold's helmet, after she's finished convincing the disciples to go harass the Artifex instead.

Jrska: I tap him on the helmet and steer him by the bunny ears over to where I can enjoy a packed lunch.

Aladar's player: I've been rolling bloody well this session.
Cassius' player: What did you just do?!?
Jrska's player: He's broken the universe.
Aladar's player: Oh... I just jinxed it didn't I.
Cassius' player: Thou shalt not summon the daemon Murphy.

The Stylite opens with a sorcerous attack to confuse Cassius, which at least resolves the question of whether or not we're going to negotiate. Cassius responds with excessive violence, and the psychic combat escalates, both using precognition to avoid each other's attacks, and each using every erg of power at their command in increasingly suicidal retaliation.

Aladar OoC: Your mind is filled by the eternal question 'what is one half of a pair of pants'

Cassius: I use Psychic Scream.
Jrska: Ow! He hates the noise already!
Cassius: I know >

Meanwhile, Cog is searching the basement for the hologenerator.

Jrska: 'Where does this extension cord go?'

Eventually, the Stylite's head vanishes, and so does Cassius, although the later is due to an attack of Chronological Incontinence. The rest of us have our own problems - Aladar is trying, and failing, to fight off daemonic possession, AND slavery to the Artifex' sword, and the entire tower is collapsing as the sorceries holding it up unravel.

Aladar OoC: Oh god, he was a load-bearing Boss

This is where things get weird - after Cassius reappears, and the rubble settles, we find Aladar alive and well. And we've all forgotten that the sword was a daemon-weapon. Or that the Artifex insisted will kill the Stylite with it.

Jrska: How did you survive that?
Aladar: I... Don't.... Know.

Jrska OoC: The daemon in his head and the daemon in the sword reached an understanding - one controls his body, the other controls his sword arm. And the daemon in the sword is saying 'drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword'

GM: There's no sign of the guard showing up. Funnily enough.
Jrska: They're probably off dealing with the riot at the Artifex's forge XD

Cassius invites all the bystanders to get looting, on the condition they help him find the hologenerator. Jrska then intimidates the bystanders into bartering over what they find, which irritates Cassius.

Cassius: I said that what they found, was theirs.
Jrska: Yes, my lord. And now they can trade with them.
Cassius: *grabs Jrska by the throat* But if they're busy trading with you, THEY'RE NOT WORKING FOR ME *hurls her over the rubble pile*
Jrska: *sailing away over the pile* My apologies, lord.

Aladar also find the Stylite's soul-vault.

Aladar: I found his wallet.

Cassius decides that now would be a good chance to get away from Q'sal. Preferably hiring the mercenary Gray to transport the enormous hologenerator (and sizeable soul-vault) up to our ship, in return for that cremated Inquisitor's ashes Jrska's been holding on to, 100 slaves, and a favour.

Jrska: The Factors want both the Stylite AND the Artifex dead.
Cassius: I don't care
Jrska: So this is a sextuple betrayal.
GM: .... Jesus. *Headdesk*
Jrska: You have to admit that is absolutely typical for a Tzeenchian planet.

Cassius: We need this transported up to my ship, on the condition that nobody, and that includes your crew, finds out what it is.
Gray: Is this going to endanger my ship and crew?
Jrska: I can't see any way it can - as long as you don't find out what it is.

We get the hell out of Dodge, having backstabbed not only the Artifex, by failing in our mission to kill the Stylite with the appropriate weapon (and then avoiding the sudden and inevitable betrayal afterwards), but the Factors as well, by failing to kill the Artifex. Cassius doesn't care - he thinks they were all morons anyway, and now considers the entire planet expendable.

Cassius: Add this planet to the list.
Jrska: You don't need no Stupid Evil.
Cassius: I'm starting to see myself as a force for evolution.
Jrska: Extinction's Angel, my lord.

( RPG system notes - two important characteristics in Black Crusade are experience points -d'uh - and corruption points. As PCs accrue corruption points, they also earn the 'gifts' and actual rewards, from the Chaos Gods. Aladar's player spends his points on the talent Cold-hearted, which makes him jaded, dispassionate... and immune to seduction. It also gives him enough corruption points for a 'gift', and though we don't know it yet a number of his organs have been replaced by daemonic mechanics. Which explains the cold-hearted neatly, but still leaves Jrska pissed off and disturbed by his failure to respond to her attentions.)

Jrska: You've changed... I don't like it.

Jrska: I brought fresh gerbils!
Aladar: Gerbils?
Cassius OoC: 'Again?'

Cassius' player suggests a few more improvements for Aladar.

Cassius' player: We need to up your armed combat skills, and implant you with a Halo Device. Then he'll be a pirate ninja robot alien zombie. In space.
Aladar: Well, my motivation is immortality.
Cassius' player: And Quick Draw! Cowboy.

Cog's been having ideas too. Even if he does invent something epidemiologically interesting, he'll need to get it into the population. Jrska's interest in recreational pharmacology suggests a way.

Cog: You could talk them into trying anything.
Jrska: I know. It IS my mission to bring sex, drugs, and rock and roll to the Imperium.
Cog: Yes. So, if I add my disease to the drugs... and to the addiction treatments...
Jrska: Ecstasy cut with anthrax.

Halloween party
 
Like any good roleplayer, I put on a persona to match my costume.
 
This year I dressed as a Rastafarian pasta chef.
Written on the back of my chef's coat:
Pastafarian
"Try de special sauce, Mon!"
 
random partygoer: "So where's your special sauce?"
me: (pulling a jar out of my pocket, and showing them a jar labeled 'Pastafarian Special Sauce') "Right 'ere, mon. You know dis be de real ting, 'cause it say so right on de jar." (flipping the the jar over to show the other side which was labeled, 'De real ting')
random partygoer: "What's in that stuff?"
me: "It be me secret family recipe. It be a special blend of herbs and" (pause) "more herbs."
random partygoer: "It sounds good."
me: "It be so good it make you see Jeezus."
 
my girlfriend: (suggestively) "I'll try your special sauce."
me: "You try anything me pull outta me pants."
 
Asking a woman to dance.
me: "Ay girlie, j'wanna come dance wit' I?"
 
After dancing with a pretty girl
me: "Dammit"
pretty girl: "What?"
me: (pulling a pasta spoon out from under my chef's coat) "Dare really be a pasta spoon in me pocket. For a minnit dare me tink me jus' 'appy to see you."
 
One of my friends dressed as a cheap hooker
cheap hooker: "Why don't you come see me anymore."
me: " 'Cause me see de two dollar pin to you belt an realize you raise you rate."
 
The cheap hooker costume had a strip of condoms hanging from her belt. When I danced with her and spun her, they swung out and slapped across my leg.
me: "Dat be de firs' time in me life me ever bin smack wid a condom."

Re: Quote of the Week From My Life.
 
I got a text at like 3am one morning. I decided to play with it...
 
Them (via text): BOA is providing $950 payday loans wired in two hours. NO Credit Check. Claim the cash at CashIn2Hrs.com and get funded now!
Me: Boa? Is that you, man? Wow! I haven't heard from you in a long time!
Me: It must be, what, seven or eight years? How have you been, man?
Me: You're still in Virginia, huh? Some things never change, I guess!
Me: What are you doing these days? Did that Communications degree ever pay off for you?
Me: Remember how we used to tease you about that? You would get so pissed!
Me: Man, we had some times, didn't we?
Me: Whatever happened to those days?
Me: I mean, obviously I know what happened.
Me: Things just got crazy.
Me: What with the court hearings and the craziness with all those reporters, things just got weird.
Me: Am I right?
Me: (about an hour later) No response? Hey man, why so quiet?
Me: I used to have to gag you to shut you up!
Me: You're not still mad, are you?
Me: Dude, that was like eight years ago!
Me: I said I was sorry.
Me: And it's not like you don't have another sister.
Me: Sorry man. That was low.
Me: You know I loved her too, right?
Me: And everyone knows it was an accident.
Me: I was acquitted, remember?
Me: I can't believe you're still mad.
Me: (the next day) Man, I'm sorry about what I said last night.
Me: It's just that when you texted me out of the blue like that, all those memories just came flooding back.
Me: And I won't lie, I was drinking.
Me: I know I promised to stop after that night, but it's hard.
Me: I still live with the memories.
Me: Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.
Me: I miss her, you know?
Me: I want her back.
Me: But she's not coming back, is she?
Me: (a week later) Dude, it's been a week since you texted me.
Me: What the f**k?
Me: You don't have the common courtesy to text back even once?
Me: Dude. You started this, not me.
Me: And now you're just going to go dark like this?
Me: How about a simple admission that this was just a mistake?
Me: Don't I even deserve that?
Me: Jesus, you're an a**hole.
Me: You know why she loved me more than you was because of cowardly s**t like this.
Me: Yeah, i said it. And I meant it. She loved me more than you.
Me: And you can go choke on it for all I care.
 
Stay tuned for the continuing saga. And thank god for unlimited texting!

The Further Adventures of Slaanesh's Lonely Hearts Club Warband - but first some discussion the Warhammer 40K mythology, and in particular the various incredibly bone-headed decisions by the Emperor of Mankind that made the Horus Heresy inevitable. Things like abducting Angron from the side of the slave army he had lead to a final stand against their oppressors, and not explaining to Magnus why the Warp was so dangerous, and not telling Horus that he was returning to Terra to oversee the creation of an interstellar Webway. All stuff to be filed under 'Tragedies that could be averted with a five-minute conversation'

    Rold Dundee OOC: We need a big poster of the civil war, with the caption 'This is why you should talk to your children'



Cassius, on why he has turned his back on the the Imperium of Man.

    Cassius OOC: I like the people, I just hate the government.... Oh god, I'm playing Lenin.
    GM: I assume you mean the Russian, not John.



Briefing Cassius on the events of the previous session, such as giving Garath the Tyrant's Cord

    Jrska: And he didn't try anything, and give us an excuse to kill him for his treachery!
    Cassius: *sarcastically* Gosh, I wonder how he became so influential.
    Cog OOC: 'I'm the nice kind of evil - I'll only stab you in the face.'



The New Mutant Army, while sizeable, is still grossly insufficient to crew a starship.

    Aladar van Rijn: We could just let them breed.
    Cog: That might take a while.
    Cassius: And it depends on them being compatible.
    Jrska: *perks up* My lord, I will make it a priority to check their anatomy.
    Cassius: Why am I not surprised.



Among Jrska's purchases - make-up, beauty product, fabric, sewing tools, etc, but not just for herself. After all, they ARE going to a party.

    Jrska: I look good in anything, but YOU three...



Cassius wants to acquire a cadre of minor psykers - to expand his repertoire of powers. His player misses the roll by 1.

    Shopkeeper: If only you'd been here five minutes earlier!
    GM: I'll let you have them but I'll keep it as a plot point that...
    Cog: Something is off about them.
    Cassius OOC: That's ominous.



Sadly, the GM disallows one of the many abuses of the Black Crusade rules - a harpoon gun with a 100-round ammo belt.

    Rold Dundee OOC: Four hundred rounds to reload.
    Jrska OOC: To nip down to Bunnings for a new roll of fence palings.



The Khornate mercs that deliver the New Mutant Army to the Chains of Judgement do have... interesting... news to impart. Apparently, one of our tech-adepts redirected their shuttle to another part of the ship. This is news to us, since we thought we'd already killed all the tech-adepts on board. Naturally, we play innocent, and hurry off to interrogate the nameless navigator about what has been happening in our absence. Apparently 'Father' has awoken. And Father is the ship's chief engineer, and he's currently converting Mother's cannibal tribe into servitors, while the various tech-adepts cybernetically slaved to his will attempt to repair the ship. Our delivery of 6000 mutants was promptly commandeered.

    Jrska: Yoohoo honey, we're home.

    Nameless Navigator: Rest assured they're being put to good use.
    Cog: What's this green stuff we're eating?

    GM: The navigator quite old and covered with feathers
    Rold Dundee OOC: He got into a pillowfight earlier.



Cog protests that he should be the one running the ship.

    Surviving Cannibal: I feel sorry for you
    Cog: Wait until you see my bill.
    Surviving Cannibal: Wait until Father finds out you want his job.

    Cog OOC: Hungry Hungry Hippos in Space
    Cassius OOC: I'm glad they haven't made THAT game into a movie.

    Cassius: I going to kill Father.
    Jrska: Or negotiate a peaceful compromise?
    Cassius: I plan to have a pointed conversation. With lots of punctuation.
    Jrska: In his torso? oh, sorry, that would be punctures.



Finding some of the converted cannibals attempting to repair warp-damage to some of the corridors, where the original crew were fused into the metal. Hacking into their brainchips allows us to find the safe route to Father, although bluffing our way past the heavily armed security servitors does prove necessary.

    Cassius: I'm not annoyed yet.
    Jrska: Well, technically we haven't lost any crew this way
    Cassius: That's why I'm not annoyed

    Jrska: Trying to sand somebody's face off the floor panelling, are they?

    Rold Dundee OOC: I love that we're getting our map from the Roombas.
    Cog OOC: I've never been electrocuted by a Roomba... Apart from that one time

    Jrska: You wanted a plasma cannon, didn't you?
    Cog: Not to the face!

    Jrska: We can always use Aladar as a distraction. His outfit is bound to confuse their optical sensors.



The Enginseer 'Father' is eventually convinced that Cassius is an acceptable Shipmaster, although he's suspicious enough to radio off a message to the nearest Inquisitorial outpost. Given that it's lightyears away, we're not overly concerned. 'Father' is also suspicious about having a mutant crew, and Jrska's presence on board, but Jrska convinces him that its all for purposes of disguise on mutant-held planets. Cassius claims that Cog will act as liaison between the mechanical and organic components of the ship, and Cog assures the Enginseer that Jrska is the ship's new seneschal and spiritual advisor.

    Jrska: Spiritual Advisor. I like that - I'll have to have that put on my door.



Along with Morale Officer and Chief Medical Officer.

    Cassius OOC : 'Turn your head and cough'



'Father' invades Jrska's personal space - like she cares - and spits out reams of dot-matrix printout. It's mostly a list of everything on the ship that needs repairing.

    GM: There's also a priority order of depilatory cream for the seneschal.
    Jrska:
    Cog: But when the fur grows back she'll be itchy and take it out on everyone.



And off to the Ragged Helix. Jrska assigns rooms and assistants to everybody. Cassius gets the most professional. Rold gets a few likely security types, but Jrska is careful to avoid anybody that could be the nucleus of a Khornate warrior lodge. She, of course, picks her own.

    Jrska: Interesting skin texture you have there. Are you like that all over? OK, you, you, that cute one hiding down the back, and Mister Tripod there.
    Aladar: Hey! What about me? Do I get cute ones too?
    Jrska: Nope. You do get the most sycophantic though.



And, of course, Jrska keeps her promise to Aladar, about showing him how grateful she is - turning up at his stateroom with a nice romantic meal and chilled bottle of amasec. For starters. She rapidly guilt trips him into accepting her advances, although her new prosthetic Pheromone Emitters certainly help, especially in a confined space.

    Jrska: Is it because I'm a mutant? *puppydog eyes* It's OK, we can do it with the lights off.



Aladar soon succumbs. Leaving him passed out, Jrska strolls off whistling a happy tune, and turns to her attendant servo-skull, Partybot 2000. The one with all the night vision cameras.

    Jrska: Did you get all that?



Minutes later her next target, Cog, is more resistant to her charms, despite a different ploy.

    Jrska: As chief medical officer it's my duty to know all about your anatomy. I know you cogboys are a bit sensitive about your meat-flesh, but I promise I won't tell anybody. Cross my heart *crosses the wrong side of her chest*



Then there's the problem of the surviving cannibals, who gave their fealty to Cassius and are somewhat aggrieved that he wasn't around to protect them when Father woke up. He solves this problem with admirable callousness, telling them there's plentiful food in the cyberconversion labs, and to go line up outside. A few more acts of treachery like this and the Chaos Gods may well reward him with his first mutation. Morphic resonance and his power armour's history being what they are, that first mutation will likely be wings. Appropriate, given his Storm Crow origins and Extinction's Angel title whenever Jrska introduces him.

    Jrska OOC: Sire? You appear to be growing feathers.
    Cassius OOC: POMF! Wingboner!

    Aladar: I'm bored
    Jrska: *leers* I can fix that.
    Cassius OOC: I bet you can.
    Jrska: It's my duty as morale officer. Please ignore any noises you here coming for Captain Aladar's room. I was going to work slowly, but if he's bored and we have five weeks... I'm sure I can have him in a gimp suit with his face between my thighs before then.



Rold finds a broken space marine power sword in the corridor outside his quarters. Despite the repercussions of the last time he picked up a strange sword, he picks this up too. He doesn't bother telling anybody about the discovery, either.

    Cassius OOC: 'I picked it up to see if anything bad would happen'. There's a quote for you.
    Jrska OOC: And epitaph, probably.
    Rold Dundee OOC: I've got as many Slaaneshi advances as Khornate.
    Jrska OOC: Makes sense. Poor impulse control is a feature of both.



At the Ragged Helix, we are challenged by a pirate vessal Aladar recognises - it was one of many that used to harass his fleet.

    Aladar: Don't you remember me?
    Pirate Captain: Remember you? Why would I remember the wart on some Nurglite's arse?
    Jrska: Nice one, I'll have to remember that. May I address them?
    Cog: Did you just say address or undress?
    Jrska: *shrugs* Both work for me
    Cassius OOC: A little from column A, a little from Column B.



The pirate is clearly shocked when Jrska sticks her head in front of the holocamera, and nervously escorts us to Prince Pseudanor's domain in the depths of the asteroid belt - a lavish and well-armed palace.

    Jrska: Let's walk in like we own the place

    Jrska: May I advise you, Lord? Aloofness is entirely appropriate for you here. Just pretend that nothing here impresses you.
    Cassius: That will not be difficult



Cassius is also unimpressed by the assorted debris from previous evening's debauch.

    Cassius: Shows a lack of discipline
    Jrska: Oh, I'm all about discipline. Isn't that right Aladar, darling?
    Cassius' player: You're enjoying this far too much.
    Me: Yes, yes I am.



But the palace IS the most lavish Jrska has seen outside the Inner Vortex and the demonworld Pandemonium, where she grew up.

    Jrska: Also known as the Party Planet. For lightyears around you can hear the DOOF DOOF DOOF.



The Slaaneshi pirate's court is swarming with a throng of libertines, freaks, and even a few demons, none of whom seem impressed by the frankly scruffy warband that just arrived in a wreck of a ship. But we do find out why Pseudanor sent those mercs after Jrska, demanding she attend his court. Since it's her beloved twin brother under a new name.

    Jrska: *squees like a schoolgirl and rushes forward, until she's blocked by his bodyguards.*
    Me: (to GM) You're just blocking me so I won't squick you with my intended greeting, aren't you?
    GM: Yes.

    Aladar: Holy crap, did that guy just eat a bicycle?
    Jrska: Don't worry sweety, you'll see a lot worse than that around here. Or better.

    Jrska: Hey cutie. Ever done it with someone that can lick their own eyebrows?
    Bodyguard: Yes.
    Jrska: Great! You know what to expect. I'll see you upstairs in 30 minutes - bring some friends.



Turns out Pseudanor is a bit upset with Jrska - mostly the way she went missing for 200 years and never sent any postcards. Also turning up again with such disreputably Khornate-leaning individuals like Rold is a bad sign. He intends to test her, and her associates, to see if she is still worthy of his support. Naturally, there will be six tests - six being the number of Slaanesh - based around Greed, Gluttony, Carnality, etc.

    Pseudanor: I am not convinced you are the person you were, sister.
    Jrska: Five minutes alone and I'll prove it.
    Pseudanor: That is just ONE of the tests.

    Cassius: Six Sins?
    Pseudanor: Six Delights.
    Cassius: Six Delights, then. If you betray us, you will taste the seventh - Wrath.



Jrska volunteers Aladar for the first test. After all -

    Jrska: This man was once a Rogue Trader - he risked his entire fleet against the minions of the Corpse-Emperor, in a blind desire for yet more profit - and LOST. Can any of you deny he embodies the finest standards of Greed?



His opponent will be Pseudanor's accountant, who wagers the locale of one of the legendary Treasure Dens in a simple game of chance. Since betting his life or eyes is too passée, Aladar promptly bets the ship. The ship isn't his, but Jrska points out that being so blinded by greed that he'll risk Cassius' wrath can only be a GOOD thing. Happily, he wins the first toss, and his opponent suggests a second bet - the combinations for the treasure den defences. Instead, Aladar demands six years service. And THIS roll ends up a draw. Jrska manages to talk them and the crowd into a stylish compromise - six years service, at the end of which he'll get the ship. As Cassius points out, if the ship is lost in those six years, the accountant's incompetence will be a contributing factor. He agrees.

    Jrska: Three cheers for the contestants!
    Cassius: Six.
    Jrska: Good point.



Next up, Gluttony. An eating contest against the giant heaving mound of flesh that was eating a bicycle earlier. Jrska turns her attention to the space marine psyker - after all, his biological engineering will give him certain advantages. Superhuman toughness, for one. And acidic saliva that should kill any food that tries to fight back.

    Cassius: You wish to test your gluttony against the genetek secrets of the Dark Age of Technology? Sir, I salute you.

    Plukus: Round one - The fried chicken!
    Jrska: A Subjutator Titan - aka the Slaaneshi Death-Chicken
    GM: That'll be the last round - the OTHER fried chicken XD



By the sixth round they've escalated to live food - in this case, Ravenous Face-biter Squigs.

    Cassius: I've fought planetary campaigns like this... the trick is to get the upper and lower lip at the same time.



Then on to the truly inedible, like a barrel of fuel oil.

    Rold Dundee: Chaser to the squig.
    Cassius: Haven't done this since I was a scout.
    Jrska: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!



But it's when they step thing up to whole human - two slaves dragged from from the audience, that Jrska steps in to assist. She reprimands the glutton Plukus for wanting to eat human raw. Any true sensualist would prepare the meal first. Her intention is actually to give Cassius' digestion a few minutes to recover, but instead Cassius loses patience, lifts up the next course, and sprays acidic spit over his face. Which indeed eats away the flesh. Such callousness is rewarded by the gods with mutation - a large pair of bird wings.

    Jrska: Must be all that fried chicken. Ladies, Gentlemen & Sacred Hermaphrodites! I give you Extinction's Angel!

    Rold: I wonder how they're going to keep escalating this.
    Jrska: Demonmeat. Eat the deamonette!
    Demonette: You only had to ask....



Or possibly auto-cannibalism? Happily, they don't have to - Cassius resorts to psychic disciplines for the next round, with the unfortunate - or fortunate - side effect of instantly putrefying all food in the room. Thus is too much for Plukus, who loses the L and the contest. Next up, Carnality!

    Jrska: *bouncing up and down* Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

    Me: How about a song contest? I'll sing the complete Doug Anthony All Stars catalog, and you can assume I win. Necrophilia, bestiality, unbirthing...
    Jrska: *sings excerpts from the relevant songs*
    Cassius' player: Open with World's Best Kisser, for that line...
    Jrska: *sings* I only kissed one girl before, my Grandma, on the kitchen floor, she dribbled and grinned, and said 'hey kid, you taught me things your Grandpa never did'.
    Me: And break it up with some Tom Lehrer, and the Ballad of Eskimo Nell
  Jrska: *sings* Stories of tortures, used by debauchers, lurid, licentious, and vile, make me smile. Novels that pander, to my taste for candour, give me a pleasure sublime, let's face it, I love slime.



But instead of Black Crusade - the Musical, Jrska faces a more ordinary test of her carnal appetites. Her opponent warns her that one one other person has survived her boudoir - Jrska's brother. Jrska gives him a delighted grin and two thumbs up, which he briefly returns. That's the joyful pervert she knows and loves.

    Jrska: Even if I don't survive it'll be worth it.

    GM: We'll draw a discrete curtain over the scene
    Jrska: Boooooooo!



Thanks to her patron's Mark, the pheromone emitters, and sheer awesomeness, Jrska has such a high charisma she can't fail the first seven rounds of the test. Mostly it's swapping tips and discussing her brother.

    Jrska: He makes the cutest noises when you do this.



But they do become increasingly extreme and strenuous.

    Jrska OOC: Lucky for me I'm female and therefore multiply orgasmic.

    GM: The courtiers listen with increasingly interested and appalled expressions, but all you see are the contestants' heads sticking out from between the curtains, when they request more supplies.
    Jrska: Bring me another penguin, this one's busted!



It all climaxes with Jrska's scream of triumph, and her challenger being helped to a chair and fanned down. The chamber itself, somewhat resembling the hotel room from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, is briefly considered as a museum piece to educate future generations, before they remove the entire chamber as is and dispatch it towards the heart of the Vortex so it can be closer to Slaanesh.

Jrska takes the time to change into something black and slinky for the next challenge - trading insults. Alas, her first plan of attack - getting her opponent to agree that Slaanesh is the youngest of the Chaos Gods, then demolishing that premise on the grounds that living things, even plants, have evolved insanely extravagant displays just for a chance to f*** since before there was even any intelligent life in the Universe - backfires when her opponent agrees. After that it rapidly degenerates into comments about Jrska's vaguely canine appearance, and then to criticism of each other's sexual habits.

    Jrska: If you think I spend all my time on my back, you need an education in doggy-style

    Jrska: I must compliment you on your understanding of Slaanesh. It shows an insight so concentrated, so pure... that one might almost mistake you for a virgin.
    Opponent: Being open to all experience does not require me to open my legs for anybody. One can find favour with the Prince of Pleasure by exploring a single aspect in all detail-
    Jrska: Oh,you're admitting you're monogamous then?

On Sacgrave, and getting permission from Cassius to acquire a guide, and tech support. Naturally, Jrska is doing the selecting. For a guide, she looks around for any obvious tourists - the one in somewhat singed Imperial finery - silk cravat, lace collar, long embroidered coat, and, of course, giant shoulderpads - looks ideal.


Jrska: Ah, the Imperium of Man, where your importance is determined by the size of your shoulder-pads, and how much you cut off your own field of vision. No doubt the Emperor went around in a giant sombrero and blindfold.
 
Aladar van Rijn, it turns out, is a Rogue Trader who barely escaped with his skin when the authorities discovered his growing interest in forbidden commodities. He lost his entire fleet in the subsequent battle, and then his flagship when he fled to the Vortex and crashed on Sacgrave. Jrska has of course chosen him because he looks naive. She's right, but he swallows her flattery so completely that she starts to doubt her own judgement - maybe he really IS competent.


Jrska: After all, he goes around dressed like that and he hasn't been accosted yet. Maybe he actually can look after himself.
 
Aladar's choice of a showy ceremonial sword in a universe where half the noteworthy people carry power weapons may be evidence to the contrary.
 
The nearest itinerant Heretek is easy to recruit as well, even if he refuses to give his name.


Jrska: Hi there cogboy, how would you like your very own starship engine to fondle?
 
Jrska: Just a cog in the great machine...
Cog: Not any more.
 
Of course, there's still the need to find the thousands of crew the Chains of Judgement will need. True, there's the cannibal tribe and their leader, Mother, but who is the mysterious Father?


Jrska: Does it really matter? There's probably a whole lineage. There's Great-Uncle, who rules the aft engine compartments... And Auntie Prunella. Nobody talk about her. Nobody.
 
Ensuring Aladar and Cog's loyalty - to herself - and simultaneously making herself indispensable to Cassius.


Jrska: Lord Cassius is supremely generous to those who pledge their loyalty to him. Of course, he demands the very best from his minions, and it is my duty to ensure that you do not waste his time. So impress me and I'll put in the good word.
Cassius' player: .... Wow. Off to one of the many wrecks on Sacgrave, where we have been told the Tyrant's Cord may be found. Things to avoid en route - the many Dark Eldar amusing themselves at the fighting pits, buying slaves, etc, and the mutant inhabitants of the ruins beyond the settlement. Although the latter may be useful as material components of Cassius' prognostications.


Jrska: Try not to attract their attention.
Cog: Don't piss off the Dark Eldar.
Cassius: Good advice for any Eldar.
Jrska: Well, the Light Eldar are less likely to torture you to death.
GM: ... Perhaps.
Jrska: The Light Eldar will kill you. The Dark Eldar will kill you - eventually.
 
Jrska: Hello mutants! Small, poorly defended party here! Easy pickings!
 
Somewhat suspiciously, Garath's crashed ship has not been stripped and salvaged yet. That might be because the shipyards of Q'sal are infamous for welding technology and demonology.


Jrska: Imperial ships run on AC. Q'sal ships run on DC - Demon Current.
 
Most of the crew appear to have survived the crash - and then, annoyingly, something went through the survivors like a chainsword through soft cheese. This something included at least one space marine, judging by the assorted human wreckage. We'll have to go back to the Whispering Halls, to see if anybody saw the thieves returning. And, of course, to eat, socialise, drink, etc.


Me: This being the Imperium, the potato is probably extinct and replaced by the Vampire Squash
 
Cog: Has anything big and nasty arrived recently?
Jrska: Apart from Rold Dundee?
 
Somewhat frustratingly, everybody seems too scared of retribution to identify the perps we're pursuing. Not unreasonable of them, so Jrska reasonably resorts to dragging a random pedestrian into an alleyway and torturing the information out of them. It's not much, but the antagonists include TWO space marines, a heretek, and a witch. Jrska turns the victim loose, still mostly intact.


Jrska: Don't worry about that, it'll work its way out in a couple of days.
 
The local liege promises us information if we deal with a small mutant problem he's having. Cassius' solution is to offer them employment, and eventual revenge. Jrksa checks off one item in her Corrupt Cassius mental checklist - Recruit Mutant Army. The liege does not, in fact, have much useful information - earning him a place at the top of Cassius' own mental list of People More Useful Dead - but a poke around the slave markets does turn up a few survivors of Garath's crew, going cheap due to their sorry state. They're reluctant to have anything to do with us or their attackers, but Jrska talks them around.


Jrska : I'm sure you'll be useful to my Master one way another - perhaps in his rituals.
 
As intended, they assume she means human sacrifice, and suddenly fall over themselves to be helpful. All Cassius actually needs are names to focus his precognition.


Cassius: I'm not about unnecessary cruelty.
Cog: You said that with a straight face. I'm impressed.
 
Cassius enacts his divinations, and Jrska is targeted by a Dark Eldar looking for someone to humiliate.


GM: As long as you keep grovelling, he's going to keep demeaning you.
Jrska: Don't knock it til you've tried it, sweety.
 
Jrska keeps the Eldar distracted by a fine display of cringing, long enough for Aladar to figure out what she's doing, and shoot the alien in the back of the head. Of course, since his choice of weapon is a pretty, but pretty feeble , laspistol, the ensuing melee comes as something of a surprise. Nonetheless, they triumph, and the Eldar's Agoniser sword and Lacerator pistol are claimed as trophies.


Jrska: *giving Aladar her very best leer* Remind me to show you how grateful I am, later.
Aladar van Rijn: 8-(
 
And off to the Vaults, in the hope of getting ahead of our enemies and setting up a high explosive ambush. Aladar's experience as a starship commander proves unhelpful.


Me: Despite them both being dark, you can't use 'Navigation : Space' underground
 

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Here are a few quotes from a couple of Champions games I've run. Canadian Sheild was the "serious" game, and MegaCity was a "Mystery Men" style low-point comedy series of games.
 
CANADIAN SHIELD
 
"I feel silly, I'm a career soldier, I've been to Sereyevo. I've been to Somalia...I've been to New York..."
-Staff Sgt. Berton, on being unsettled by seeing Jean Codere transform into a werewolf.
 
"I'm going to pull a hissy fit and I need to concentrate."
-Siren
 
WILDCARD: You don't get a day off of Canadian Shield because you have a runny nose
SIREN: Yes, but today you have two runny noses.
- on Wildcard's latest transformation, with two heads, four arms and four legs.
 
"I don't talk to men covered in snot."
-Tempo to Wildcard, trapped in a liquid polymer entangle resembling mucous.
 
BLUEFIRE: Why is Tempo the only one listening to me?
SIREN: She's new; She doesn't know any better.
 
"There's somebody home, but he keeps hanging up."
-Siren, on having a hard time mind-controlling a villain with strong mental defenses.
 
"Dodge? Why I have a Dodge right here!"
-Wildcard, throwing another car.
 
"Arrow should have one of those FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY signs on his head."
-Wildcard, after Arrow's second successful Move Through maneuvre.
 
"Isn't that just like a man; Just when you want to talk to them, they're out cold" -Siren, on her frustration at being unable to mind-control an unconscious foe.
 
"It's like having a baby, only you're the baby."
-Jean (Loup Garou) Codere, on how it feels to change into a werewolf.
 
"Hey, let's not forget our communications protocol people! This is an official business channel! Yellow alert is reserved for second & third base. Red alert is for home!"
-Martin (Wildcard) Gideon, after Arrow signalled a Red Alert, thinking his cousin Jake was in trouble, when he was, in fact, making out with Stephanie Wright.
 
"I can't believe it. His eyes didn't even drop when he was shaking my hand. I don't think that's ever happened before."
-Siren, on the Prime Minister's uncanny ability to not stare at her breasts.
 
"It's not good guys and bad guys, it's bad guys and WORSE guys!"
-Siren
 
MEGACITY MEGAMEN
 
"Oh, well, being defeated by a superhero team is good press too!"
-Evil Guy
 
Ta ta! Going on patrol. There may not be crime, but I might get lucky.
-Pink Panther
 
You're so open minded you've got a door at the back of your head
-Red Rocket
 
Your contacts squeaked that?
-The Hero With No Name, referring to the Red Rocket's subway mice informants
 
METRO MAN: She talks to mice.
RED ROCKET: Yeah, well, he thinks Jennifer Love Hewitt actually likes him.
METRO MAN: But I SAVED her!
RED ROCKET: And yet, the Restraining Order.
 
Look, I'm the pidgeon of justice!
-Metro Man, meaning 'paragon'
 
THE HERO WITH NO NAME: She's going to save my ass again.
RED ROCKET: That's what I do.
 
RED ROCKET: You're not the brains of this operation, are you?
THE HERO WITH NO NAME: Who is?
 
Lets conch this guy on the head
-Red Rocket
 
Your clue train has pulled out of the station
- Night Watchman
 
Do you remember the good old days when we fought crime?
-Red Rocket
 
RED ROCKET: Well, we saved the day again
METRO MAN: No, we were present when the day was saved.